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THE
PROBLEM
Many sociologists guesstimate that almost half of
typical U.S. first marriages end in legal
divorce.
They also guesstimate (without
supportive Census data) that a higher fraction of U.S. stepfamilies
re/divorce legally within 10 years
of their founding.
More millions of partners elect to endure daily misery
(psychological divorce) rather than hire a lawyer. Re/divorces are
very common despite one or both partners
having been married before. The "/" in "re/divorce" notes
that it may be a stepparent's first union.
From 27 years' clinical research with
over 1,000 average Midwestern-US
co-parents, I believe there are
five interactive reasons for this tragic,
unremarked
divorce epidemic:
partners' significant
psychological
wounds from too little childhood
nurturance; plus...
partners'
unawareness of
several vital topics; plus...
These three stressors are
symptoms of an underlying problem: our society's condoning a silent
cycle of [wounds + unawareness] to pass down the generations.
These three
hazards combine to cause...
needy courting
partners to choose
the wrong
people (partner +
relatives) to commit to, for the wrong
reasons, at the wrong
time.
this is amplified for
partners with prior kids by little
informed stepfamily help in the media and most communities.
This nonprofit educational site exists to help co-parents and supporters
avoid or counteract these hazards, and evolve
high-nurturance
family relationships and prevent
divorce.
HAZARD 1) Courting
partners' combined sets of denied
psychological wounds caused
unintentionally by too little psychologicalandspiritual nurturance in early childhood.
Until they're spotted and healed, These wounds silently inhibit personal
health and relationships, effective communication, and life quality and
satisfaction.
HAZARD 2)
Typical partners' and supporters' unawareness of
core causes of (a) most
marital and family problems, and (b) how to
avoid or resolve them effectively
together. Restated: regardless of
maturity, family experience, and formal
education, typical courting and committed mates don't know what they
need to know, so they don't seek appropriate education.
HAZARD 3) Partners'
incomplete or
blocked grief over sets of majorlosses (broken bonds) from
childhood + major life changes, including leaving home, marriage, child
birth, any priordivorce or
mate/parent death + any re/marriage and
cohabiting.
Incomplete grief
silently promotes significant physical and psychological problems like
obesity,
addictions, and
depressions,
and usually inhibits forming healthy new
bonds - e.g. between
new in-laws. See this research report.
HAZARD 5) Little available stepfamily support
-i.e. no (a) meaningful US divorce-prevention
legislation, or (b) stepfamily-trained
clergy,
counselors, educators, doctors, lawyers,
support
groups,
classes, and programs, in most
communities and our media. Have you ever seen a class or group for
stepfamily co-parents advertised where you live?
Do you agree that these five factors could combine to promote major family stress and
legal or psychological divorce? Learn
more
from these
research-report summaries and this example
of the five hazards at work in a real stepfamily.
For
more perspective, review this summary of the main
causes of most family role and relationship problems
If this is the problem, you probably want to know...
THE
SOLUTION
It begins with family-adult educationon
these
five hazards.
That can
motivate courting adults to...
make informed (wise)
commitment decisions, and to...
Five projects are best begun during
courtship. Typical stepfamily couples have three extra Projects (3, 4, and
9). Eleven of the 12 Projects are ongoing (not
Project 7), and affect each other.
This
nonprofit divorce-prevention Web site and its six related
guidebooks provide research-based
education and resources for these
vital 12
family Projects. This site also offers a
free
re/marriage-preparation class based on Projects 1-7, for groups
and couples.
First-marriers can use the class also by omitting the two stepfamily projects.
These guidebooks are written for stepfamily adults, and much of their content
applies to all adults.
See how you feel about what you just read. A = "I agree,"
D
= "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends
(on
what?)"
All Courting and
Committed Couples...
Typical adult
survivors
of
low-nurturance (neglectful) childhoods are at significant risk of psychological
("false self")
wounds.
The majority don't (want to) know this, or what it
means
to them and their descendents. (A D
?)
Psychological wounds + lack
of information + little effective social warnings about these hazards during
courtship promote average
needy
mates choosing the wrong people to commit to, for the wrong reasons, at the
wrong time. In America, over half ultimately divorce legally or
psychologically, without really knowing why. (A D ?)
Typicaldivorcing parents and stepfamily adults don't know what they don't know about
personalities +
healthy relationships + family nurturance levels + effective
communication
skills + healthy
three-level
mourning + stepfamily
realities and
implications. (A D
?)
All stepfamily adults and kids
(a) have major
losses to mourn,
and (b) are at risk of
blocked grief because of
their psychological wounds and unawareness.
(A D ?)
There is little
informedhelp
available
to average stepfamily co-parents and supporters in the media or
their local communities - specially for courting couples. (A D
?)
Pause, breathe, and reflect on
why you read this. Did you get
what you needed? If not - what do you
need now? Who's
answering these questions - your wise
true Self,
or
"someone else"?
The Web
address of this page is http://sfhelp.org/5-overvw.htm
THE
PROBLEM
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