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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles
augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
|
This article is primarily for family adults who have
significant chronic conflicts with other adult family members - specially
with co-parenting ex mates. Premise:
intentionally modifying key atti-tudes can help prevent or reduce (vs.
resolve) some family conflicts. |
About
Attitudes
All kids and
adult form conscious or unconscious attitudes - judgments
- about persons, places, and physical and abstract things. Attitudes are
a class of beliefs that are polarized between good / bad; right / wrong; nice / not nice;
desirable / undesirable, safe / harmful, healthy / toxic, normal / abnormal, etc.
Attitudes come from real and fictional heroes and mentors and from life
experience. They range from minor to explosive, depending on the context and
the behaviors and social reactions they cause - (e.g. burning heretics and
witches, and bombing abortion clinics, churches, or other public places).
Attitudes may be rational ("swimming with sharks is a bad idea") or based
on hearsay and faith ("blondes tend to be dumber than brunettes and redheads").
Many attitude may be questioned and
modified in the right circumstances, which will usually cause related
changes in behavior. A classic example is atheists or agnostics converting
to the attitude that "God is real and good."
The pressure to agree with certain family and societal values to avoid scorn
and rejection - or even punishment - can powerfully shape a child's or
adult's attitudes. An underlying dynamic is the attitude "Anyone who
disagrees with my or our attitudes about (something) is bad / wrong / inferior / a
sinner / an enemy." Have you experienced that?
To
get the most from this article, first
inventory your attitudes about divorce, remarriage, stepfamilies, and
related topics. Also get clear on your attitudes about attitudes - are they
useful / not useful; flexible / rigid; important to you / unimportant; etc.
+ + +
As
a professional stepfamily therapist since 1981, I've heard the stories of
over 1,000
and remarried co-parents and couples. About
90% of their situations involve
children and one or more ex mates. The other ~10% are widow/ers,
who's former spouses often still have great genetic, psychological, and
often financial influence
on their surviving family members.
Well over half of their complex
stories involved significant ongoing conflict between prior (ex) mates.
Most hadn't found an effective way to reduce their conflicts, which were
co-parents and kids alike.
I’ve heard a rich medley of ex-mate descriptors like Fang, the Claw,
psycho bitch, idiot, bastard, compulsive liar, irresponsible, crazy,
uncaring, selfish, malicious, insensitive, abusive, stupid, ignorant,
hopeless, wacko, heartless, and
evil. I’ve also heard ex mates described as “a really good parent,
but a lousy mate.” These are attitudes (good-bad judgments) of the wo/man’s
worth as a person and/or as a co-parent and spouse.
Reflect: what adjectives do
you usually use to describe your and/or your partner’s ex mate? Do your
adjectives describe the kind of person s/he is, or how s/he does at the
of parent? What
adjectives do you think s/he uses to describe you? How do you think these
attitudes affect...
Our U.S. divorce epidemic
forces millions of parents and kids to live a stressful paradox, for years:
one or both mates say “I no longer like, respect, or trust you, and I
choose not to live with you; but I must interact with you because of my love
and responsibility for our child/ren.”
|
This article suggests key
attitudes and expectations that can promote your co-parent
and long-term
caregiving effectiveness and satisfaction.
Use this article and series to
become aware of your caregivers’ attitudes and expectations, and what
they may mean to you adults and kids, short and long term.
|
Before you continue, check: is your
reading these words?
If not, do you know who's currently
of your amazing
(inner family of subselves)?
Premise: your current and long-term marital and child-raising satisfactions
depend on your inner-family
and key attitudes.
Once your family adults are aware of your attitudes, you may choose to
discuss and shift some of them for current and long-term benefits.
What attitudes?
Before exploring your attitudes about each of these and what they may mean
to you and your loved ones, do a…
Status Check: See
what’s true for you now: T = true, F = false, and “?” means ”I’m not sure, or
“It depends on..." (what?)
I see both bioparents of
each child in my life, and any new partners (stepparents), as co-equal
of our multi-home
now. (T F ?)
I can clearly define what “an attitude” is. (T F ?)
I believe our family adults' attitudes have a direct effect on
(a) the
quality of our co-parenting and (b) how our dependent kids will “turn out,”
long term. (T F ?)
I feel attitudes can be consciously _
chosen and _ changed if there’s reason to do so.
(T F ?)
I’m responsible for the attitudes I hold. (T F ?)
When planning and making childcare
and family decisions, and in family
conflicts,
I’m usually aware of (a) my attitudes
on the factors above, and (b) those of each other adult involved. (T F
?)
I’m comfortable discussing key (a) attitudes and
(b)
expectations with each of our family adults now. (T F ?)
I feel my partner (if any) would answer “true” to each of these items now. (T F ?)
At this time, (a) we co-parents have no serious “attitude problems” about
family issues; or if we do, (b) we have an effective way of
them
now. (T F ?).
I’m sure that my
is
these questions
now. (T F ?)
Pause and note your thoughts and feelings. What do they mean? With this
fresh in mind, let’s start our "attitude safari" with your belief on…
1)
Attitudes: Relevant or Not?
Have you co-parents ever discussed your “family attitude policy”?
Do any of you have biases or prejudices about certain family
attitudes and the people who hold or promote them? If all your family adults
and supporters met together, imagine if anyone would disagree with
these key attitudes:
Forming attitudes (good/bad, better/worse, or right/wrong judgments) is
normal, human, and neither god or bad.
Attitudes and other
beliefs shape kids' and adults' behavior directly and unconsciously;
Certain
attitudes are “better than others” - i.e. they are more effective in promoting personal
healing, mutual respect, effective co-parenting teamwork, and high-nurturance relationships
and families.
It’s good for co-parents to help each
other become aware of their key
and attitudes, and intentionally shift their attitudes toward those that are more
effective.
Co-parents ignoring or being unclear about family-related
attitudes is
bad
because it risks hindering long-term success with their common goals. And…
Thoughtfully forming and
owning your own attitudes, rather than passively accepting the attitudes
of family elders and others, is necessary to evolve a person's true
and
Separating attitudes from the people that hold them is
good, because it minimizes the chance of hurt, resentment,
anger, and hostility.
Pause and reflect: can you think of other attitudes about human,
relationship, and family attitudes that your family adults and kids would
benefit from? How comfortable are you at discussing attitudes like these
with your family members (including kids) and key supporters?
Status Check: Overall, I feel our adult's attitudes
about key attitudes helps our stepfamily (True False
Unsure)
2)
Ex mates: Bad vs. Wounded?
Do you believe some people are better than others? Do you feel some
people are bad by choice or nature? If you judge an ex mate in your
family as a “bad” person or “bad influence” on your kids, it
will taint every negotiation and interaction you have with them. Your kids
lose.
One reason: your family adults communicate to fill your current needs.
A
universal need is to feel respected - specially by your family members
(right?). The
of your communication depends directly on the
that you each
perceive from each other. If you or an ex mate decodes “You don’t respect
me (as a person or a co-parent)” from the other’s behavior,
-
hurt,
resentful, defensive subselves will probably take over, causing...
-
your
to rise “above your ears,” so...
-
your abilities to
empathize, and
drop fast, and...
-
neither you nor the ex get your
met.
This is specially likely if
either of you is a
person with low
self esteem.
If you’re not aware of this happening and what it means, you each
will learn to expect that any time you and an ex mate interact, you and/or
they will feel “badly” (disrespected and unheard), and that com-munications
“won’t work.”
This dooms important co-parenting negotiations before they
start. Ex mates using lawyers or
letters to negotiate, avoiding childcare contact, and repeated fights and
phone hang-ups are clear signs this has happened. Everyone loses.
Typical ex mates have a history of painful interactions and disagreements,
ranging from minor to massive. New conflicts between your co-parents are
inevitable as your stepfamily
evolves. Be-cause
love has been replaced by
indifference or
distrust, disrespect,
jealousy,
anger, and/or
fear, ex mates often judge
each other as bad (unworthy, immoral, sick, selfish, uncooperative,
spiteful, etc.)
For your kids’ long-range welfare and your old-age contentment,
I urge you to choose and promote the attitude that a “difficult” ex
mate is
and
(vs. stupid), not
bad. This doesn’t mean you must accept or excuse toxic behavior from
them. It means you can
your needs, opinions, and boundaries respectfully (with an
vs. sending
provocative “1-up” R-messages that will raise the ex’s defensiveness,
resentment, hostility, and antagonism.
When a child “acts out,” do you see her or him as a bad (unworthy,
inept, unlovable) person, or do you focus on respectfully teaching them the impact of their
actions?
Your ex mate needs
respect as
much as you and your children do. My experience is that “disrespect”
and “hostility” from an ex mate usually is a combination of hurt, anger,
distrust, guilt, shame, and anxiety. These are often seasoned with
which is a sign of
inner
and
Would you agree that none of these merit moral
censure or scorn?
A
corollary: if experience and your values have taught you to view an ex
mate as bad, sick, or evil, that will shape what you expect of her or
him. If you expect conflict, selfishness, aggression, or the like, your
attitude will leak and may unconsciously encourage behaviors like that.
Notice your reaction to
these ideas. Are your inner voices insisting that (a) someone's ex mate is bad
and that (b) you shouldn’t or “can’t” view them as wounded and unaware
instead? If so, I’d bet that a well-meaning
is running your life
- at
least relative to the ex mate. Have you (and the ex mate) worked at
yet – honestly?
Status check: Overall, I feel
our co-parents' attitudes about the value and dignity of each ex mate
strengthens our family relationships and nurturance level now. (T F
?)
Next, what’s
your attitude about…
3) Personal
Responsibility vs. Blame
If a storm causes a tree branch to break your window, would you growl
“You’re a bad storm (or branch)?” If someone intentionally withholds
relevant information or lies to you, do you blame them - judge them as wrong
or
bad? How do you usually feel when someone blames you for causing them
discomfort, or for not behaving the way they wish?
Thomas Gordon, the founder of
Parent Effectiveness Training (PET), proposes
that parents of an upset child get better long-term results when they ask
themselves “Who’s problem
is this, yours,
mine, or ours?” In co-parenting conflicts, change “child” to “ex mate,” and
ask the same question.
Premise:
you and each of your co-parents are each ultimately responsible for filling
your own needs. Do you agree? If an inner voice says “Yes, but…”
suspect that a false self controls you. Implication: if an ex mate
(or anyone) frustrates, hurts, attacks, or ignores you, your partner,
and/or a child you care for, s/he is responsible for her or his actions, and
you are responsible for possibly
promoting those actions, and reacting to them. The reverse holds true
too.
As you know, our (perceived)
behaviors affect other peoples’ comfort, and their behaviors affect ours.
Human nature decrees that if you blame another for causing or prolonging
your discomfort, s/he will feel hurt, frustrated, guilty, attacked, and/or
angry if you express your judgment disrespectfully – or are perceived
to do so.
|
In a co-parenting conflict, each time your attitude is “It’s (my or your
ex mate’s) fault, not mine!” you lower your chance to build an effective
co-parenting team over time. Your kids are the biggest losers, followed by
your older selves.
|
Try this: in a recent or your next co-parenting conflict, ask yourself “What
have I done that promoted the ex to act this way?” Dishonesty begets
dishonesty, insecurity, and distrust. Disrespect breeds disrespect.
In any problem with an ex mate or
other co-parent you are almost certainly half of the problem!
The good news is, that means you can improve your half - if you choose to. You
may promote the ex fixing his or her half if you dig down to identify what
you really
and
it to them
respectfully.
Incidentally, your
(subself) blaming
you for a co-parenting problem breeds self-doubt, guilt, and shame.
Lose-lose-lose.
Note: if
an ex mate in your family
a
childhood, s/he
probably is burdened with excessive
Those can manifest
as “having a hair trigger,” over-defensiveness, hypersensitivity,
selfishness, conceit, lying, or “never owning responsibility or
apologizing.” If you blame a co-parent for these traits as being bad,
you...
miss the underlying
causes, which the ex denies and can’t control until s/he chooses to
(see
invite increasing inner
and family conflict, over time;
reduce your odds of
co-parent teambuilding and lower your family’s nurturance level; and
you....
risk unintentionally
wounding your kids.
Bottom line: for teambuilding success and a high-nurturance family, I
encourage all your family adults to...
-
choose the attitude “I am
responsible for my half of any family (or other) conflicts,” and..
-
help each other replace false-self blaming with effective
See
How's your
motivation to do these now - honestly?
Status check:
each of our co-parents consistently
takes genuine responsibility for their half of significant conflicts among
us now. (T F ?)
Another key attitude that will
shape your relationships:
4) Is
Divorce Morally Bad or Wrong?
Over half of Americans who have married recently
divorce legally or
psychologically. Our Christian tradition decrees that we view (a) sanctioned
marriage as a sacred commitment to our mate and God, and (b)
desertion, and
as morally wrong,
and disobedience to God.
As a young child, were you taught to not hurt other people - specially other
kids? Do you still hold that value? Do you agree that divorce causes
everyone affected, including minor and grown kids and grandparents, pain?
Do you view legal or psychological
divorce as a shameful failure or
wrong?
|
Premise: If any of your co-parents or key supporters views
divorce or divorced people as significantly wrong, bad,
sinful or (shameful) “failures,” that toxic attitude will
probably hinder your forming an
effective co-parenting team over time, and lower the nurturance level of
your family.
|
This judgmental attitude about divorce promotes personal
These in turn foster...
-
false-self dominance (psychological
-
ineffective thinking, communicating, and
problem-solving;
-
family
and relationship
and...
-
anxieties,
distraction, and
Do any members of your extended
family believe that
families are “not as good as” intact
biofamilies? Does anyone believe “kids of divorce don’t do as well,”
or “are likely to divorce too”? I suggest there’s little constructive value
in debating or “dis/proving” opinions like these. It‘s more useful to focus
on the effects any such attitudes have on your co-parenting expectations,
relationships, and teambuilding.
I recommend you co-parents help other family members view divorces as…
-
sad
and regrettable, not
bad;
-
symptoms that one or both mates were/are
and significantly
not bad or
wrong;
-
a
learning experience that has the potential to promote personal awareness,
and growth;
and...
-
causing major
that all family
adults and kids need to
over many months.
I further propose
that the attitude
that kids and adults in divorcing families are normal people with talents,
limits, needs, and dreams, and
an important set of personal and
relationship adjustment tasks to master in
addition to their normal developmental challenges.
They are not inferior persons - they're burdened with major wounds,
losses, and adjustment tasks that typical high-nurturance family members
don't have.
Status check:
our family adults' personal attitudes about divorce
and divorced people clearly strengthen our stepfamily now. (T F ?)
Recall: we're reviewing 10 key attitudes that can improve or hinder
your relations with your and/or your partner's ex mate. The next one is
your attitude about...
5) Re/marriage and
Stepfamilies
From tradition, media influence, and unawareness, your co-parents and
supporters may have harmful attitudes about stepfamilies and their
members:
“Remarried people couldn’t
get it right the first time (there’s something wrong with them)”
“Stepfamilies are alien, abnormal, and not as good as traditional (intact
bio) families.”
“Stepparents and stepkids are unnatural and second
best compared to bioparents and their children.”
Attitudes like these are toxic because they breed subtle or significant
anxiety, pessimism, dishonesty, guilts, shame, and defensiveness. Because most
divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents seem to come from
childhoods, they
already wrestle with feeling unlovable, inept, and unworthy – specially if
they view prior divorce as a (shameful) “failure.”
A symptom of adults or kids holding attitudes like these is avoiding public
admission of prior divorce, remarriage, and/or step-hood. (“We’re just a
regular family…”)
More nourishing attitudes sound like…
“Remarriage demonstrates
the power of love and hope over fear, and the normal human longing to
share the security, companionship, and joy of a committed primary
relationship.”
“Stepfamilies have the same
potential for nurturance, security, pride, growth, and fellowship as any other
kind of family. They
are
different, not better or worse.”
“’Stepparent’, stepchild,
and stepsibling’ are
not people.
They are similar to, and different than, bioparent and biochild roles.
There is nothing inherently inferior or superior about these ancient
family roles.
If all your (step)family members were together and undistracted, and someone
read these attitudes out loud, what might happen?
Status check:
Our family adults' attitudes about
remarriage and stepfamilies clearly strengthens our
relationships, loyalties, and unity now. (T F ?)
Concluded
on page 2...
