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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
high-nurturance
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Eacharticle is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
need?
+ + +
This article outlines special options
for improving communications between divorced parents and among their family
members. What follows
comes from my clinical work with ~1,000 such adults and their families since
1981.
This article assumes you're familiar with these...
options for relating well-enough
to significantly-wounded people;. and
effective communication basics (slides or
text), and
problem solving (slides or
text).
common communication
blocks, and tips for better outcomes;
summary: seven powerful communication
skills you can learn (and teach your kids);
These factors cause dynamic concurrent
blocks like
these.
.
If
you disagree with these concepts, what do you think causes ineffective
communication?
This Article Exists Because...
Average separated or divorcing parents have a harder time communicating
effectively than non-parents because...
Most have a history of ineffective
communications with each other, which has usually contributed to
psychological and legal divorce. So they expect
ineffective communication with each other. This is often
self-fulfilling, strengthening their expectations and assumptions.
And...
The ongoing emotional and legal responsibilities of nurturing minor kids and
grandkids together add complex sources of conflict, and force most ex mates to stay
in contact. And...
Divorce may polarize both sets of inlaws and cause conflicts among them
about and
with the exes. This usually causes concurrent
values and
loyalty conflicts
and divisive
relationship triangles
which average adults (like you?) don't know how to spot or resolve. And...
Compared to kids in intact biofamilies, minor kids in typical divorcing and
step families have many extra family adjustment
needs that can spark
family-adult conflicts and confusions; and...
Many ex mates must evolve and abide by
legal parenting agreements
which shape their relation-ships; and...
Co-parenting adults in typical
stepfamilies have
webs of unique, concurrent, alien role and rela-tionship
stressors
that make conflicts more complex and more likely.
Can you think of other reasons many ex mates and their family relatives have
special trouble com-municating well with each other? These combined factors
justify making some special...
Special Ex-mate Action-options
With your true Self in charge, expand these basic
action-options with any
bof these that fits youyr unique situation...
Check conflicted adults for incomplete
grieving. It can hinder forgiveness, and cause multiple problems in your
family system. See this and this.
Check your ex mates' and relatives'
attitudes about each other. If they aren't steady, genuine respect and
compassion (despite disagreements), suspect that false selves are
sabotaging the essential forgiveness among you all that is essential for
effective communication. See these ideas.
Encourage all your family adults to get
clear on the difference between their
surface needs and primary needs.
Ex-mate conflict and frustration
over surface problems (like money, visitations, custody,
vacations, etc. will usually escalate and spread. learn to
dig down
to discern each of your primary needs in important situations!
Help each other evolve effective
strategies for these three common
stressors. They're popular causes of major post-divorce family
stress - specially between and about ex mates and their kin.
Check for
addictions in
any of your family adults, including grandparents. They are common in
divorcing families, and are guaranteed to cause complex family
stress, specially if an ex mate is addicted (self-medicating). If an
ex's parent/s are/were addicts (wounded) the odds are very high the ex
will be significantly wounded too. Any addiction is a family
problem, not a personal one!
Keep your perspective - confer with other family adults and
supporters and rank-order your current stressors (minor to
major). Ineffective
communication is probably a core contributor to all your
family role and relationship problems. Is improving the
communication effectiveness among all adults and kids
(not just ex mates) a high shared priority now? If not, why not?
With your Self in charge, use your
improving communications and to reduce any of these common barriers to
family teamwork:
# Status Check
Take a moment to assess where you stand now: T="True," F="False," and ?="I'm not
sure," or "It depends on..." (what?)
I feel a
mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused,
resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert,
aware, serene, purposeful, and clear, so my
true Self (capital "S") is probably
leading my other subselves (personality) now. (T F ?)
On a scale of 1
(consistently ineffective) to 10 (consistently
effective),
I
feel the recent com-munications between ex mates and any stepparents in our
family is about a ____. (Option: use a range, like “4 to 6”)
I can clearly describe_ what a true Self and false self are,
_
the six
false-self wounds that most co-parents are burdened
with, _ how they hinder effective communication, and _ what the main steps
are in Project 1. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe_ co-parent
Project 2, _
the seven communication
skills, and _ how the skills relate to each other now.
(T F ?)
Each ex mate
and other co-parent in our family can describe these clearly now. (T F ?)
On a scale of 1
(totally indifferent) to 10 (strongly motivated), my drive to improve my
thinking and communication effectiveness now with or without others is a ___.
On the same scale,
I’d rate the average Project-2 motivation of each adult in our family as a __
.
My current motivation
to become aware of each item above is about a __ now.
I can describe clearly
what I hope to get from reading this article. (T F ?)
I agree that
building an
effective co-parenting team for our kids depends directly on how
well we adults can communicate and problem-solve with each other and each
child.
(T F ?)
If there’s something
blocking me and/or any of our co-parents from working to improve our
communication, I know clearly _ what it is, and _ how to improve or eliminate
it.
(T F ?)
I believe we
co-parents can significantly improve our communication effectiveness
over time if we _ want to, and _ can agree on a viable plan to do so,
like Project 2. (T F ?)
I am teaching
the young people in my life how to communicate and problem-solve effective-ly now.
(T F ?)
Reflect for a moment… What did you just
learn?
Recap
Improving inner and interpersonal communication is a prerequisite
for reducing every fa,mily role and relationshiop problem.
Learning effective thinking and
communicating (problem-solving) is an ongoing family-wide project. Typical divorcing parents often have a
very hard time accepting this project, let alone mastering it together. Your
kids and descendents need you to find a way!
This article (a) recaps basic premises about effective communication; and (b)
expands these basic communication options
by...
summarizing why communicating with ex
mates can be harder than with other adults; and...
hilighting several special
action-options toward improving communication with and between
conflicted ex mates.
Note the practical guidebook for Project 2, Satisfactions
(Xlibris.com, 2002)
Reminder
(OK, nagging): your odds for improving your inner and mutual communication
rise steeply if your family adults
work together to harmonize
your respective personality subselves under the wise leadership of your true Selves, via
Project 1 or equivalent.
Are you all motivated to do that?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? If not, what
do you need?
Who's answering these questions- your wise, resident
true Self,
or "someone else"?
The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/cx.htm
Reminder
(OK, nagging): your odds for improving your inner and mutual communication
rise steeply if your family adults
work together to harmonize
your respective personality subselves under the wise leadership of your true Selves, via