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http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/disinterest.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article...
The ideas below will make more sense after you
read...
-
the basic
premises
underlying this site,
-
the fundamental ingredients of a
healthy relationship and a
high-nurturance
family,
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves (like yours)
-
the silent [wounds +
ignorance] cycle
-
these stepfamily
basics and
-
most divorcing family and stepfamily relationships are
significantly stressful, and
the
they cause,
-
co-parents can shift stress toward shared family
satisfaction,
-
perspective on
how attitudes shape
the relationship between divorced
parents,
-
key
factors that shape the relationship between typical ex mates;
and....
-
This
overview of co-parent team-building
(Project 10)
+ + +
Minor kids of divorced parents suffer when their
noncustodial parent seems uninterested in their welfare and/or in caregiving
cooperation. The implied shaming message is “You’re not important to me.”
This was an agonizing reality young Sarah McLean
was growing up with, as her biofather Ted seemed to show little interest in how she
was doing.
This article explores your options toward reducing
three surface co-parent-teamwork barriers:
your ex mate seems indifferent to (a) you and/or (b) a minor child living with
you, or (c) your partner’s ex seems to ignore your stepchild/ren. Each
of these fosters divisive
and
and lowers
the
in your kids’ several homes. If you're struggling with an
over-involved non-custodial parent or relative,
see this.
|
The real causes
of post-divorce relationship cutoffs and rejections are usually co-parents’ combined
inner
+
+
communications. These
can be amplified by ex mates’ disrespect,
distrust, and excessive
guilt. |
If you
want to reduce ex-mate “indifference,” you have many options.
Prepare
Build a
foundation for positive change by doing things like these:
Coach
yourself to be aware of when your
is
your decisions.
All these Solutions articles assume you're able to do that. If
you can't (yet), refocus your initial efforts on doing
Use
these
often
to
help you discern and accept what and who you can control, and what you can’t.
Adopt
and keep a long-range
outlook (e.g. the next 10-20 years), and make patient co-parent
a steady high priority.
Develop
your awareness of
traits of a
, and
use that to evolve a (step)family
with your
.
Use
the ideas and resources
in the articles linked above and
to improve any of these
to cooperative co-parenting.
Periodically remind yourself
and any partner of the important difference between first-order (surface
behavior) and second-order (core attitude)
To encourage your
“indifferent” ex mate to become an active co-parenting teammate, your
subselves must want to make one or more second-order changes…
Assess
whether you or your ex
are in protective
of significant
false-self
Use the
steps and resources in the
guidebook or Web checklists to
yourself. Then assess your ex mate. Note the possibility that some
traits or behaviors of your ex may activate your
false self (“I turn into a
different person when I talk to Jamie.”) The same may be true of your
ex.
| If your ex
has
a low-nurturance
childhood, s/he may be unable to care about
other
people. People afflicted with this horror typically aren’t
aware of it or
it, and/or don’t know
about it.
The inability to
bond usually means a person has all six false-self wounds,
which has tragic
|
Also note that
adults and kids who can’t bond well
have little to
when relationships
weaken or end, so they may appear cold, hard-hearted, selfish, insensitive,
and indifferent. These are symptoms of their tragic
psychological wounds and unawareness.
More
preparation-options for raising your ex-mate's cooperation...
Change
your
attitude
about your ex from blame, criticism, rejection, or pity (implication: "I’m 1-up") to
compassion for their wounds, unawareness, and limitations. This doesn’t
mean condoning or ignoring behaviors that have hurt or frustrated you or the
kids. Your odds of making this vital attitude change rise as your own
self-love and self-confidence improve, and your and your child(ren)'s
divorce grief progresses. As you shift toward a genuine attitude of
compassion and
your
communication
will probably
improve, over time.
Review this sample
Personal Bill of Rights,
and see if you
believe that it applies to your ex and yourself equally. If your true Self
guides you, you’ll see your ex mate as having as much human dignity and
worth as you do, despite her or his behaviors. You’ll also be able to
see your situation as “our (family) problem,” rather than something
your ex mate must fix. Your attitudes, unawarenesses, and past and/or recent behaviors are probably
causing half of this "disinterested ex-mate problem"!
In conflicts and impasses,
evolve and review a list of the
that each adult and child in your family tries to fill every day –
including your ex mate. Develop your
and
skills to do
this.
Empathically
evaluate
whether your ex is
key divorce and/or other losses, and is unaware of that - or doesn't know what to
do about it. Use the steps and tools in
to do this. If s/he appears blocked, consider telling
her or him non-judgmentally why you think so. Accept that thawing frozen
grief is your ex’s responsibility, and is not within
Freeing your blocked grief and helping your kids with theirs
are!
If
your ex was or is
to a
substance (including sugar and fat), an activity, a person, or an emotional state,
review your options.
Choose to see addiction as
a strong symptom of inner wounds, and a desperate unconscious attempt to
self-medicate intolerable
- not a despicable moral
failing, “weak will,” or “character defect.”
each minor child for the
six
that low family
nurturance promotes, and do what you can to guard and heal your kids.
Be
alert for
and
among your
active
and in and between your co-parenting
homes. Invite other family adults and kids (including your ex) learn how to
spot, resolve, and avoid them.
Premise:
You can choose to change some things about
yourself, without losing your
identity, integrity, or dignity, that may (vs. will) increase real
co-parenting teamwork between your ex and you. Limitation: if your (or your
partner’s) ex mate is ruled by a
and
it, their dominant
subselves may continue to ignore or reject you no matter what you or the kids
do.
The preparation
options above apply whether your ex seems indifferent to, or rejects you and/or you
child(ren.) Now you're ready to add some...
Action Options
We'll focus on reducing three kinds of family "disinterest problems":
-
Your ex ignores or
rejects you,
-
S/He ignores or
rejects a minor child, and..
- Your partner's ex mate ignores your
stepchild.
1)
Your Ex Mate Ignores or Rejects
You
The symptoms are
unmistakable: unanswered phone and email messages; silences and curt responses
in person, with little or no eye contact; emotional coldness and distance...
Behaviors like these imply the disrespectful
"Your thoughts, feelings, and
needs don't matter to me." That's being
ignored. A more painful
message is: "I think you're a bad (wo)man / parent / person, and I want
nothing to do with you." That's
rejection.
Both
of these are surface problems which block the nurturing parental teamwork your minor kids
depend on. Neither is likely to improve until
you want to change
some attitudes and unawarenesses. Then your behavior will change, and your
ex’s may.
If you
both wanted to conceive kids, being ignored or rejected later by your
conception partner can painfully cheapen and dishonor the love, intimacy,
and dreams you shared in co-creating a new life. It can also feel
like your partner duped you, and/or you deceived yourself. Both promote
and doubting your own judgment and wisdom.
Your ex's ignoring or
rejecting you may really be dominant subselves
avoiding intolerable feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, and
that
occur when communicating with you. If so,
s/he’s avoiding these intense discomforts, not you or your child/ren! S/He may also be
in the rage phase of
normal grief. This often comes from
repressed childhood anger, and lack of inner
to
express hurt and anger without guilt, shame, or anxiety. If so, your
opportunity is to learn how to keep your true Self
your
rights clear, and your
clear and firm, when your ex’s false
self needs to rage.
See what your
governing subselves think about the benefits of these...
Options
Choose
to believe that trying to improve relations with your
ex mate is a gift to yourself and your kids. It is not submitting to,
pleasing, or saving your ex, or sacrificing your values. Test the idea that
communications are circular. if you change your attitudes and behavior, you’ll
eventually get a change in your ex mate’s behavior.
You don’t have to be a
passive
or martyr, unless your
persuades you to be.
Honestly
admit your half of what (you think) caused your
Option:
tell your ex, when your Self is
you, and your ex is not
distracted. If you feel guilty about some past behaviors that affected your
ex, consider making a genuine apology to her or him to
free yourself.
Assess
each of you for
This
relationship barrier appears to be very common in average divorced and
stepfamily co-parents. It stems from false-self wounds +
unawareness + unintentionally living in an "anti-grief" environment. See more detail on this option below.
Ask
your ex what s/he’s needed recently from you and
isn’t getting. In particular, ask if s/he feels that you
respect, trust, and hear her or him enough. If s/he’s willing to
answer, really
even if it sounds like criticism. Deepen your awareness and empathy by
studying and applying the communication skill of
Strive for attitudes of genuine compassion and mutual respect
for both of you, rather than blame. Encourage your
protective
to not get
defensive, resentful, and critical of your ex or yourself. And you may choose
to...
Ask
someone
you trust
who knows you and your ex if any of your behaviors may promote your ex mate's
ignoring or rejecting you and/or your child(ren) recently. Do this when your
Self is in charge, and listen, rather than
defending, explaining, guilt-tripping, rehashing past hurts, or blaming!
Review any legal battles you and your ex have endured together, starting with your
divorce. Note that people hire lawyers when they feel unheard, hopeless,
and powerless to get their
needs met. Unless your legal experiences were
genuinely co-operative, you’re each probably harboring some residual hurts,
resentments, disrespects, and distrusts from them. Unhealed, these can amplify
co-parental avoidances. Use the options in
to
help reduce any of these barriers over time. Finally, consider...
If
you or your ex had an
that contributed
to your divorce, suspect that unresolved reactions to that (guilt, hurt,
resentment, scorn, jealousy, shame, grief) are contributing to your ex’s
rejecting you. Consider that marital affairs usually occur because of one or
more of these:
Mates couldn't communicate and problem-solve
so core relationship
go unfilled, and one partner
eventually seeks to fill them with another partner; and/or....
One or both mates had unrealistic needs or
expectations of the other, and didn’t know it or couldn’t admit it;
and/or...
One or both partners
major
childhood
and
and the affair is a symptom of
resultant
false-self
Possibly the person initiating the affair was or is unable (vs. unwilling) to
be needy and vulnerable, give and receive love,
and genuinely
commit. Each of these signals false-self dominance.
Notice the themes
of these seven options. Because your situation is unique, you may have other
useful choices. If you’re resistant to any of these, they're probably the most
valuable! Let's look at two of them briefly...
B) Clarify Your Part in Your Divorce
First, clarify the scope of what you associate with
it encompasses far more than the legal process you endured!
It takes courage and vision for most divorced
partners to own their half of the break-up without blaming, justifying, whining, minimizing,
defocusing, playing "if only," and avoiding personal responsibility. If your
ex perceives you as blaming him or her for your relationship's demise,
genuinely owning your part in it without looking for a payoff can
foster better co-parenting relations. Notice your
now...
If you choose to
work at this challenge, I suggest you start with
to see if your
