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http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/disinterest.htm
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1)
Your Ex Mate Ignores or Rejects
You - continued
Another key
option you both have is to compassionately...
Assess for Blocked Grief
Your separation and divorce process, and
what led to it, has caused all your adults and kids major
– broken emotional
/
bonds.
is usually a sign that one or both mates
are
significantly ruled by a false self, and they don't know that. That means it’s likely that one or
both of you don’t feel safe to move through the mental, emotional, and/or
spiritual levels of healthy
In my experience,
unseen
is
often one of several reasons family members avoid or reject each other. This is
usually a result of false-self
+ unawareness of the
for
healthy mourning + lack of
supports and inner and
social
to grieve. To see if
frozen mourning
is part of your ex's "disinterest," adapt the steps in
to suit your situation.
The good news:
if s/he's blocked in grieving, that's not your problem. The bad news:
as long as s/he's stuck, you and your kids must adapt to the
consequences, while working to avoid blaming your ex. We
don’t choose to
disable our true Selves or get stuck in our grief! Each of these can be
greatly improved, once admitted.
Grief-assessment
Options...
See how much you know about healthy grieving by
adopting the mind of a student, and taking this
quiz. If you have knowledge gaps, become well versed in
healthy grieving. Then honestly
assess yourself for blocked
grief. If you are stuck, evolve a plan to resume your loss-acceptance
process, and act on it.
After compassionately
your ex for
false-self wounds,
assess her or him for blocked grief. Depending on your conclusions, use
the
to discern what you
can affect and what you can’t.
Identify your
family’s
(a) when you were married and (b) now. If necessary, amend your
policy to create a "pro-grief" home and family. Teach your kids what you're
learning.
Invite your former partner to do some or all of
these options for all your sakes, not to manipulate, expose, or control, but
to heal. Consider bringing grief up
in conversations with your ex and with other people s/he listens to.
Disclose to your ex and/or key relatives any
difficulty you are having with grieving divorce-related or other
losses, without shame or guilt. Talking about
and the healing grief
process raises everyone’s awareness!
These are
representative choices. You have others!
We've been
exploring your options if your former lover seems to ignore or reject you.
A more complex situation occurs if...
2)
Your Ex Mate “Ignores” Your Child/ren
Are you a single
or re/married bioparent whose kids rarely see or hear from their
other parent? If so, this section hilights options you have toward changing
this, or accepting and making the best of it.
What’s the
Primary Problem?
Start by getting
clear on (a) what you want to change, (b) what’s in the way, and (c) what you can
affect or control. If your goal is to have your ex mate want more
contact with your kids, then your challenge is to change
your attitudes and behavior in a way that
raises your ex’s motivation, and/or reduces her or his anxiety.
Try standing in
your ex’s shoes. I suspect one or more of these factors may be causing his or her
parental “disinterest”:
S/He
feels too much pain when she interacts with your kids
– e.g.
a bitter brew of
+ sadness + frustration
+ incompetence + regret. Often this is caused by blocked grief (above), which is a symptom of
and
false-self
If you have a new partner, a variation of this is that contact
with your kids forces your ex to face the agonizing reality that a stranger
s/he doesn't know and may not trust is co-raising (influencing) your kids. And/or…
Your
ex is weary
of combat, and feels hopeless
that you and s/he can agree on
visitation,
money,
or custody details as co-parenting partners, vs. adversaries. If so, the
solution is for you two to patiently heal any wounds, and improve your
attitudes and
And/or…
Your
ex is in a
with a new partner who discourages your ex from seeing or talking to your
kids (or you). In my experience, the primary problems in this case are
false-self wounds +
+ discomfort with stepfamily
and its
+ ineffective communication skills
in both or all you co-parents. Another root problem
may be…
Your ex mate is so
wounded s/he can’t genuinely
–
attach emotionally and spiritually. If so,
pretending to want
contact with your kids (a
will probably evoke confusion,
distrust, and frustration. Another possibility is that…
Your
child/ren’s behavior causes too much
If they dislike, distrust, fear, blame, disrespect, or don’t care about your
ex, then spending time with them is hardly fun and satisfying. A variation
of this is your ex may not know how to interact comfortably with your
child/ren because of inadequate or toxic parenting in her or his early years.
A
special barrier occurs when a judge rules legally that
your ex’s visitations with your kids must be supervised by another adult in
a public place, to protect your child/ren. Merited or not, this is shaming
and restrictive, and usually inhibits enjoyable, spontaneous visitations for
everyone. Professional counseling for all of you (not just your ex) is probably required to
sort out your mix of causes and impacts, and promote gradual healings. For
perspective, see the counseling Q&A here and this article on
lose-lose legal fights between ex mates.
A surface problem that may be contributing
to your ex's "disinterest"
is guilt, anxiety, or frustration over delinquent or current child-support
conflicts. If so, you can reduce your half of the primary causes of this
problem. See this article for perspective and action-options.
A final possibility is
your ex’s
“disinterest” in your child/ren is due to a mix of uncomfortable
relationship stressors
with you, your kids, and/or significant relatives.
Part of the solution is to admit that, sort out multiple stressors,
and work patiently on reducing a few at a time. Option: work patiently at reducing your half of
these co-parental
for your and the
kids' sakes.
Your efforts over time may (vs. will) make
it safer for your ex to want more contact with your kids.
Pause and
reflect. We’ve just reviewed eight possible primary causes of your ex
mate’s “indifference” to contact with your kids. Were you aware of these
before you began reading? Do you see any new possibilities?
Action Options
Your choices boil
down to: (a)
what you really
need here, (b) accept what you cannot change, and (c) work patiently to change
the things you can. I propose that you cannot change the past, your mate’s
local and natural laws, your
family-members’
and the
weather. You can affect many other things, including…
How you view your ex mate’s
“indifference” – i.e. how you define “the problem;”
Your knowledge, attitudes,
and behaviors; and…
Your kids’, relatives’, and
supporters’ awareness, knowledge, and options.
Explore
your options for reducing the co-parenting barriers above with the
guidebook
Build a Co-parenting
Team after Divorce or Re/marriage. This book is augmented by
many Q&A and
Solutions articles.
Let's add some action options to the preparation-options on the prior page:
Acknowledge (vs. deny or minimize) that you feel
your ex is ignoring or rejecting your child/ren.
Adjust your
expectations. If you’ve felt powerless to increase your ex
mate’s co-parenting involvement, try the attitude “Maybe
I can find a way.” Avoid black/white thinking, and widen your goal from
changing your ex mate’s behavior to patiently building an
over time.
Decide how important this problem is
to you, in the context of your other short and long-term
and
Then identify
which of the primary problems above are true in your situation without blame
or guilt. Focus patiently on
improving them one or a few at a time.
Read and apply
the baseline articles and
options at the top
of this article. If you’re reluctant or ambivalent, assume that a protective
controls you.
Freeing your
to lead and harmonize your
becomes your highest-payback
current goal.
Assess the status of each of your co-parent team-building
(non/significant
now). Confront the probability that “I am probably
contributing to my ex mate’s attitudes and behaviors,” and
assess your attitudes and progress with
your half of each applicable barrier.
More
action-options...
If you have a
new partner, invite her or him to join you in
your long-range teambuilding effort and take appropriate steps above. If s/he is ambivalent, cynical
or pessimistic, you have
additional
team-building barriers.
Communications
between subselves and people are circular. Experiment with this
communication-sequence
technique to
see how you’ve generally reacted to
your ex's "indifference." Use your findings to try new behaviors,
and watch for better outcomes. Watch for behaviors like these:
_
I silently or vocally criticize and blame my ex, and keep telling him or
her what s/he must do. This is self-defeating because it
inexorably sends inflammatory
“You’re wrong and bad, and
I’m 1-up.” If your
Self is
s/he can change this to respectful
for better results.
_
I
pity my
child/ren, and overindulge them to offset their hurt. This may
stress you all indirectly by fostering
and
- specially if you have a new partner. Alternatives: in
age-appropriate terms, help your kids understand any of the above factors
that you think are relevant, and demonstrate empathy for them and your ex. Key:
s/he's (probably) not disinterested in
them (unless
conception was unwelcome), s/he's wounded, scared, and guilty, and hasn't
learned how to master those yet. And/or...
_
I criticize and scorn my ex
to my friends, family, and perhaps the kids, and I admit or deny this. This
behavior amplifies
your problem by polarizing you all and shaming and angering
your ex. Option: learn why you do this (to avoid
looking at your part of the action?), and replace put-downs with silence or
compassion, and self-aware
_
I reassure our
kids that their other parent’s disinterest is not their fault. This
is helpful if you don’t also blame their parent (or yourself), specially if
your kids are developing a
personality.
More ways you may have been reacting to your ex's "indifference" or
"uninvolvement" with the kids:
_ I make excuses for
my ex's actions to our kids. This may be an unintended form of
and may hinder
your child/ren from understanding what’s real. Alternatives are to
(a) affirm
your kids’ feelings and needs,
(b) be honest about your own, and
(c) when you feel they're ready, educate
your kids about the
in your
family.
_
I ignore, defer,
or minimize this problem because it's so painful and confusing. This is
understandable, and may change as you see and try more options. It also may
be a symptom of significant false-self
dominance
_
I over-analyze my
ex's choices and actions, and avoid assertions or confrontations. This
suggests that
and/or
subselves control you, and
reduces the odds that
your kids will get what they need from you caregivers.
_
I obsess about the
terrible wounds this (parental disinterest) is causing our kids. This may
indicate your
subself is dominating your
other subselves (personality) and
distrusts your true Self. Work at
_
I obsess about how
I felt when my parent/s ignored or abandoned me. If this
is part of a personal healing
program, stick to it! If it’s not, it’s a
vivid heads-up that you need such healing. Your protective
false self may be
avoiding the discomfort of that by over-focusing on your kids and/or ex
mate.
_ I often invite our kid/s to talk about how
they feel, and what they
(vs. surface needs)
from their other parent. I also (a) teach and encourage our child/ren to assert
their feelings and needs clearly and directly to their other parent, vs. me
acting as spokesperson and "switchboard." If they're scared to do
this, I model and
teach the kids (b) their human rights,
(c) empathic
and
(d) respectful
skills.
_ (Add any other response to your ex's behavior that
you're aware of)...
See if there's a "surrogate parent" (mentor)
available who needs to give the nurturance that your child/ren's other parent
can’t provide now. If there's a local chapter of
Big Brothers / Big Sisters, they can be a wonderful resource!
If you’re a stepparent and the “disinterested”
parent is your partner’s ex; adapt these options to fill your needs, and use
them as a framework for supporting your mate and stepkids. The same applies if
you’re a caring relative or professional supporter.
Periodically widen your vision and affirm your
efforts and progress at all your primary (vs. surface) Project-10 team-building barriers, including this
one. A final powerful option is to periodically redefine what you
and release those things to your
3) Your Partner's Ex Ignores Your Stepkids
There are several key factors that shape how serious a problem this is to
you, your marriage, and building a co-parenting team, over time. These
factors include...
-
how
you and your stepkids are,
-
how your mate's
response affects your respect for him or
her,
-
what your
are in this
situation,
-
what
affect you all, and
- how motivated and effective you adults are at
reducing them.
Because of these
many variations, I'm limited to some key general suggestions here in addition
to those above...
Decide if your
is in charge of your inner family. If not, focus on making that
happen before doing anything else.
Review the reference
articles
and preparation options on page 1, and follow those you feel are relevant. Pay special attention to
possible
and
and focus on
surface vs. underlying
(need conflicts).
Use your
and
skills to discern what you
in this situation - e.g. "I need to assert my needs
to my ex, feel heard, and do some effective joint problem solving."
If you need something to change, clarify if it's in you, your mate,
your mate's ex, or some combination.
Get clear on whose needs you're focused on filling
now.
Ask
yourself
"What's in the way of this change?"; and "If this change doesn't happen, what is that likely to mean to our
marriage and our other family relationships?"
Review these typical personal
rights and apply them to each of your
co-parents. Then review this problem-solving overview and example, and these
communication blocks and
tips.
Review your short and long-term personal
and decide how important it
is to focus energy now on changing something about this "ex-mate disinterest"
problem.
If this feels like "our
problem," ask your mate
what s/he needs in this situation, and then follow relevant options here
together. If this feels like "my problem," I suspect you have a
deeper (re/marital) problem. Review these Project-8 and
articles, and notice
where your inner voices (subselves) direct you...
We've covered a lot of ideas and options here! Pause, move your body
around, breathe from your belly, and reflect. Why did you read this article?
Did you get what you needed? If you didn't - what
you need now?
Recap
A
stressor
troubling many U.S. divorcing families and stepfamilies is one parent seeming to ignore or reject their ex mate and/or
non-custodial kids. The media tends to highlight "deadbeat dads," and focus on dollars and legal actions, vs.
resolving what causes the "disinterest." There's also a silent subculture of
divorced mothers who (a) can't bond with their child/ren because of unhealed
early-childhood trauma, and/or (b) are emotionally overwhelmed by local
circumstances, and/or (c) are legally deprived of child custody for
various reasons. All variations of this "indifferent parent" dynamic reduce
the co-parenting teamwork that your minor kids depend on you adults for.
This overview article proposes that such parental
“indifference” or “uninvolvement” is a surface symptom of a mix of
underlying
The article summarizes suggestions on
understanding and resolving the true causes of an ex mate's “ignoring”
or “rejecting” their conception partner and/or noncustodial biochild/ren.
The article closes with general options for stepparents troubled by their partner's
former mate "ignoring" their minor child/ren.
A core premise here is that
the ex mate's attitudes and
behaviors are only half of the (surface) problem. The other half belongs to
other uninformed and biased family co-parents (you),
relatives, supporters, and the media. The good news is,
you
have many options that can improve this and your other team-building
barriers over time. Doing so will raise your family’s nurturance level
- win-win-win!
