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Project 10 - evolve a
high-nurturance co-parenting team over time |
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Paths to Self and Mutual
Forgiveness
- p.1of 2
Options Toward Saying- "I Pardon You"
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Retired Board member
|
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/forgive.htm
This
is one of a series of Web articles
that suggests solutions for common relationship problems in divorcing families and stepfamilies. This
sub-series focuses on reducing
to co-parental team-work. This gives
perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site. Ideas here aim to augment, not
replace, other appropriate professional
Links below will
open a popup or new browser window. Use your browser's "back" button to return
here from the latter. The "/" in re/marriage notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.
Get the most from this article by first reading...
-
the basic
premises
underlying this site,
-
the key ingredients of a
healthy relationship and a
high-nurturance
family,
-
these stepfamily
basics and their
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves,
-
this overview of the pervasive [wounds + ignorance]
cycle
-
many divorced-family and stepfamily relationships are
notably
stressful, and common
of most
stepfamily role and relationship problems,
-
co-parents can
build high-nurturance stepfamily relationships, over time,
-
how
attitudes
and other factors
affect relations between divorced
parents; and...
-
This
summary of Project 10: building an effective
over time.
Perspective
As
this Christian millennium dawned, about 90% of American re/marriages follow the
psychological and legal
of one or both partners. For most adults and kids,
parental separation and divorce cause feelings of
hurt, anger, bitterness, guilt, loss, betrayal, resentment,
"failure," and sorrow. For the mates who initiate the legal process, these
brews may be offset by relief, determination, and new
hope.
Members of the biofamilies affected by a couple's divorce must "do
something" with their mix of emotional, spiritual, and mental reactions.
Divorces that involve minor and
grown kids often make it harder for family-members to accept their changes and
losses, and restabilize their lives.
Each
divorcing partner needs to "deal with" (react to) a mix of emotions
like
hurt,
remorse, sadness, disrespect,
distrust, and
hostility.
Some shrug,
and "go on with life." Others wallow
and seethe in an emotional soup for months or years. Still other divorced people
"get spiritual," isolate, pontificate, fornicate, or
stalk. Some of us "go inside," reflect, journal, and learn. Others
choose to "get counseling," or join a support group.
This
article focuses on a key aspect of this complex personal, family, and societal
adjustment process - divorced
co-parents' need to forgive - to let go of blaming themselves and/or
each other. partner for "what happened." I write this from personal divorce
experience and clinical consultations with many hundreds of divorced couples,
over 27 years.
Here
we'll consider...
-
What is
"forgiveness"?
-
Forgive what, relative to typical divorce?
-
Why is
forgiveness so vital for most divorced and stepfamily co-parents?;
-
What are
the minimum ingredients needed for true (vs. pseudo)
forgiveness?; and...
- Review key co-parent
options: forgive, hang on, or...
What
is Forgiveness?
Have
you ever forgiven someone, including yourself? Have you been
forgiven by another? What was involved? Microsoft's Bookshelf 96-97 offers
some synonyms: to pardon, excuse, or condone. These verbs mean
"to refrain from imposing punishment on an offender or demanding satisfaction for an offense."
In
the context of marital divorce and family separation, the "offense" is spouses
causing hurt, resentment, and painful losses and unwanted changes to family
kids and adults. "Punishment" is an ex mate (or relative) maintaining
significant...
"Satisfaction" can mean expecting and demanding that your ex mate (a) to truly
accept responsibility for causing divorce pain and loss, (b) feel genuine
remorse and regret, and (c) want to apologize for their marital
"mistakes" and "faults."
Both
of these involve one or both ex's blaming themselves and/or their
former partner - i.e. criticizing their character and/or behavior ("You broke
your vows to me - you betrayed me!")
Maintaining an attitude of
blame causes increasing
personal and (step)family stress. Do you agree that the need to
blame another person is usually based on the need to avoid self-criticism and
resulting shame and guilt?
Before reviewing
options for letting go of blame and resentments (forgiving) let's explore...
Pseudo and True Forgiveness
A basic premise in this site is that
normal
like yours and
your ex mate's are composed of
like an
orchestra or sports team is composed of individually-talented players. Too
little
in a child's
early years inhibits developing an innately-skilled personality "conductor" or
"coach" - a subself called (here) the
This means that
without skilled intervention, a
psychologically-
child may grow up being
controlled by bickering, impulsive subselves - a
false self. This results in up to
five psychological
which combine to cause
the adult significant health
and relationship problems - like (a) psychological and legal divorce, and (b)
compulsively needing to blame yourself or your ex mate for the related
pain, stress, and losses.
My
27 years' clinical experience with over a thousand
average ex mates and their new partners suggests that most divorced American adults and their
children and parents are significantly-wounded people who don't know
they're being controlled by a well-meaning, myopic false self. There are many
behavioral clues of
this unseen wounding.
Two key implications: significantly-wounded, unaware adults (i.e. their
subselves) seem to choose wounded partners - repeatedly. This raises the odds
of
creating a
low-nurturance home and wounding their kids, and eventual psychological and
legal
The common
false-self wound of
can cause
divorced parents to pretend to forgive themselves and/or their former
partner for divorce-related pain and betrayals.
Pseudo forgiveness occurs when one or more subselves say and
mean "I really forgive me/you," while one or more other
subselves (like an
insist
relentlessly "You scum - I'll never forgive myself and/or you
for what I (or you) did!" The ex mate's words say one thing, and their actions say the opposite: a confusing
The unseen
wounds and communication ignorance that cause double messages usually hinder
kids' and adults'
the many
that
occur during their long divorce
process.
|
Real
forgiveness happens when
all subselves
genuinely agree to stop blaming the "offender,"
and they trust the resident
true Self to make safe, effective
decisions. When this occurs, the ex mate's words and actions
consistently match ("walking your talk"), healthy grieving can proceed, new
can grow, and
mutual co-parenting trust and
respect
can (re)build, over time. Does this make sense to you? |
Implication: if genuine forgiveness is the healthiest long-term
adult response to divorce-related pain and loss, then
each co-parent should
themselves and their ex and kids
for
false-self wounds. If they find any, the next steps are to...
admit and intentionally
your own wounds (free
your true Self), over time;
intentionally convert
blaming your ex mate (attitude: "I'm 1-up/superior") to genuine
compassion ("we're
in human worth and
dignity"), while setting clear
with him or her; and...
evolve a high-nurturance
two-home family for your kids, and patiently help them to develop a
harmonious Self-led (capital "S") personality.
Co-parent
provides an effective
framework and resources for doing these steps, over time.
With pseudo and genuine forgiveness in mind, lets explore what
typical divorce "offenses" cause the human needs to blame and forgive. If
you're separated or divorced, what pain and losses have you experienced - and
inflicted?
What (Typically)
Needs to be Forgiven?
Every
divorced couple develops their own list of relationship "offenses"
- disrespect, dishonesty, insensitivity, betrayals, selfishness, etc. True
forgiving is easier if you can name
(and therefore meditate, discuss, and learn from) what is
causing your divorce-related regret, blame, guilts, resentments, angers, and
sadness. See if these samples help you do that:
Common sources of divorce-related pain ("offenses") can be separated
into secondary (symptoms), and primary causes. Without exception, the causes are unmet
For example...
|
Surface
"Offense" |
Unmet Primary Need |
|
"S/He was irresponsible with our
money"
"S/He never wanted to do anything together"
"S/He was just too
controlling"
"S/He was selfish, arrogant, and
|
"I felt disrespected, unheard, ignored, and
unsafe too
often."
"I felt unwanted,
unimportant, and bored."
"I didn't honor my boundaries and values, and lost my
self respect."
"I felt disrespected, unappreciated, ignored, powerless, unsafe, and
unloved." |
|
"S/He
was
to...."
"S/He was a lousy lover."
"S/He was sexually
"S/He wouldn't go to church with me or participate
in church
activities."
"S/He was away from home all the time."
"S/He didn't want (or enjoy)
children." |
"I felt too much pain, anxiety, guilt, and anger - and I finally lost
hope."
"I was too sexually unfulfilled."
"I felt humiliated, rejected, and betrayed, and
couldn't trust or respect (my mate)."
"I need a companion to share my spiritual journey and
community."
"I
felt too unimportant, unloved, bored, anxious, and undesirable."
"I really need to co-create new life, and enjoy nurturing kids with my
mate." |
|
"S/He
was way too involved with parents / relatives / siblings / friends / work /
hobbies."
"I did all the work."
"S/He wouldn't listen to me - I couldn't
'get through!'"
"S/He was too unpredictable:
s/he'd say one thing, and do another."
"S/He turned into a different person after we married."
"We
failed as spouses and parent." |
"I
need to feel deeply loved and special - and I haven't"
"I
need to feel spontaneously considered (respected) and appreciated,
not used or taken for granted."
"I
needed to feel respected , understood, and confident we could
problem-solve."
"I
needed to trust my partner was dependable and reliable, so we could plan
together."
"I
needed to be married to the person I fell in love with!"
"I
needed to feel competent, satisfied, successful, and proud as a mate and a
parent." |
Any
of these sound familiar?" Notice that the left column sounds like
judgment and blaming, and the right column sounds and feels
very different. Each item there relates to one or more personal and
that felt too unfilled for too long.
Option: collect reasons from divorced friends on
"why it didn't work out." See if you notice...
Four Themes
As a
professional relationship consultant, I've
noticed that typical conflicted co-parents tend to...
blame their partner for a mix of vague or
specific shortcomings; or they...
generalize ("We just couldn't
make it work."); and they
unconsciously...
focus on
surface symptoms, rather than
to discern their
primary needs and helping each other fill them, and...
some aware, honest divorcers say "I just felt too
inadequate, guilty, inept, dumb, and ashamed, too often. I couldn't fill my
partner's relationship needs well enough."
Note
that a second group of powerful "divorce offenses" aren't
explored here: inept parenting, and forcing dependent kids to endure
trauma, pain, and losses. Co-parents may forgive themselves and
their mates for divorcing, and may not forgive "bad,"
or irresponsible parenting
(by their standards.) Children forgiving their parents is an important separate issue.
Grandparents and other relatives
have their own
perceptions, values, and life agendas, which can hinder or help true
forgiveness of divorce wounds and losses. Senior adults also struggle with forgiving or
blaming themselves and/or a child for divorcing and hurting their
grandchild/ren.
The point: most U.S. re/marriages follow the
divorce of one or both new spouses. The
and its causes breed a variety of
hurts which each partner must choose to
forgive (release related resentments, guilts, shame, and anger at)
(a) themselves
and (b) their ex mate, or to blame one or both. Blaming and forgiveness have different long-term impacts on
family members and supporters, including any new re/marriage
partner/s. What are the most important effects?
Why Is Post-divorce Forgiveness Vital?
Compare your
answer with this:
The choice to truly forgive or continue blaming yourself and/or
your ex mate for traits or behaviors that promoted divorce powerfully shapes each person's...
-
self
esteem;
-
(personality) harmony,
and
and their...
-
the
chance to
- i.e. to
discern their unique life-purpose, and
develop it over time.
These combine to raise or lower...
|
Premise: if one or both
divorcing partners are unable to really forgive themselves
and
each other for divorce-related "offenses," their minor kids are more likely to develop or
amplify significant inner
Does this seem credible to
you? |
That promotes (secondary) family relationship and role problems, which
amplify each other. Unless intentionally corrected, that promotes
unconsciously
the
toxic legacy of unintentional wounding and lost
potentials to future descendents..
Both of these factors have a
profound effect on...
-
whether either
ex-mate commits to a new partner,
-
they choose,
-
and
and...
-
whether their new stepfamily
relationships are nourishing or stressful,
long term.
Amplified by millions
of American divorces and re/marriages involving several
children, these factors combine to stress the quality of life in your locale
and our continental society.
These reasons suggest that real post-divorce forgiveness
of yourself and your ex mate are essential for you and your kids,
and a social responsibility for every divorced person. What's your
opinion? Challenge: if
you're often controlled by a well-meaning
you'll probably ignore, intellectualize, defocus from, "get
bored with," "not grasp," or disagree with the ideas above.
Can you tell if your true
your
personality-team now?
 Continue by reviewing your options for
(a) truly forgiving
yourself, your ex mate, and any key others; and (b) inviting (vs.
demanding) certain others to forgive themselves and you.
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Updated
May 29, 2008
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