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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/guilt.htm

Continued...

        Perspective: recovering from the process of divorce requires basic changes in each mate and dependent child. A primary task is everyone grieving their respective sets of tangible and intangible losses (broken bonds). Another is each family member reducing related guilts to normal, and forgiving yourselves and each other, where appropriate. Typical minor kids of divorce have a range of other developmental and adjustment tasks which they need knowledgeable, empathic adult help to master.

        This article attempts to single out one of a group of concurrent divorce-related stressors which all affect each other - psychological wounds + ignorance + guilt + shame + grief + anxiety + ineffective com-munications + distrust + disrespect. To promote "divorce recovery," each of needs patient individual focus and effort. This article offers options for doing this with one such stressor - excessive divorce-related guilt. 

Does Your Ex-mate Feels Excessively Guilty?

        Again, there are many reasons average men and women feel significant guilt and shame about separating and divorcing - specially if they're parents. Restated: typical mates feel they've broken many important old family, religious, and societal rules if they choose to divorce. If their mate initiates an unwanted divorce, there are still many rules that get violated ("We should have gotten marriage counseling.") How can you tell if your former partner feels excessive guilt and shame? Consider these common symptoms:

• probably or surely suffering from false-self wounds

• notably avoiding discussions about the divorce and its impacts

• chronic over-protection of minor kids

• unrealistic cheerfulness about "our new life" (possible denial of intense shame, guilt, and losses)

• repeatedly saying things like "I feel so bad (about the causes and impacts of divorcing)

• over-apologizing to the kids and/or their grandparents

• chronically saying with regret "If only I (we) had..."

• relying on mood-control (e.g. anti-depression) medications - though this often suggests false-self wounds and blocked grief as a primary problem

• (add your own)

        Whether your ex feels significant (vs. normal) guilt has to be a subjective decision. If you're not sure if s/he does, you can (a) ask your ex directly, (b) ask other people who know her or him well, and/or (c) ask any counselors or therapists familiar with your situation.

        Status check: to help clarify your situation, pause and reflect - on a scale of one (my ex has no significant divorce-related guilts) to ten (s/he is consumed with such guilts now), how would you rate your former partner?

If So - So What?

        Recall that excessive guilts typically (a) indicate major false self wounds and unawareness; (b) promote a crippling (old?) attitude of inferiority, which skews relationships and hinders effective communication; (c) often hinder effective grieving of key losses, and (d) deprive minor kids of a healthy model of how to handle guilt effectively. Another common impact is in divorces involving minor kids, excessive guilt (and other stressors) can foster major battles over child custody, visitation, and financial support. In turn, these usually contribute to significant loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. These are specially complex and challenging if and when potential stepparents and step-siblings enter the picture.  

        Bottom line - if your ex feels significant divorce-related guilt (and other stressors) and seems paralyzed about reducing it, that will increase the role and relationship problems you all experience as you adjust to the many changes from reorganizing into a stable two-home family.

Who's Problem is This?

        Part of widespread adult "unawareness" about human relationship problems is being unclear and/or disagreeing over (a) who needs what, and (b) who's responsible to fill whose needs. Because divorce affects all bonded family members and requires many complex personal and family adjustments, it can be confusing to decide who "owns" the problem of "significant ex-mate guilt."

        Premise: because significant guilts affect all family members, all family adults share the responsibility of helping each member to spot and reduce excessive guilt, over time. Restated: it is not just your ex mate's responsibility, but yours, his or hers, and other concerned adult relatives. If you adults are using professional divorce-adjustment counseling, I propose your counselor/s share the responsibility to spot and help to reduce excessive guilts among all of your members.

       From this perspective, if your ex appears to be burdened with significant divorce-related (or other) guilts, consider these...

Options

        Premise: your first responsibility is to yourself. If you have significant false-self wounds, your first priority should be (a rule) to commit to patiently reducing them and related ignorances. Project 1 in this site and its related guidebook offer a practical framework and resources to help you do this.

        Part of healing significant false-self wounds is intentionally reducing your own excessive shame and guilts over time. As you gain experience with this, you'll gain wisdom and perspective to help motivate other wounded family members do the same - like your ex.

        If you feel s/he suffers from excessive guilts, consider these options:

        Ask your ex to read this article online or from a printed copy, and then discuss it with you - as partners with a common goal, not adversaries. Online is better, because the linked other articles give more depth and perspective. If s/he seems receptive, describe your concern about her or him possibly bearing false-self wounds and/or excessive guilt.

        Ask your ex to identify the specific behavioral and moral rules s/he feels s/he broke in splitting up. For each such rule, the next useful question is "Where did you learn that rule - is it yours, or someone else's?" Note that if your ex is ruled by a false self (a) s/he won't know it, and (b) her ruling subselves will probably resist the idea that s/he has the right to define his or her own behavioral rules. In other words, your ex might agree with the concept of upgrading her or his divorce-related rules, but won't really do that. 

        Whether or not you feel this direct approach is viable, consider telling your ex about your efforts to reduce your own divorce-related guilts. If you're uncomfortable doing this, it may mean you two have significant barriers to relating as teammates with at least two common goals - nurturing your kids (if any, and divorce adjustment and healing.

        If you are parents, another vital co-parenting discussion to have is about how each of your children is doing with (a) their developmental and divorce-adjustment needs, (b) handling guilt and shame in general, and (c) handling their divorce-related guilts in particular. If either of you have a new partner, see this article about managing stepparent and stepchild guilts.

         Incidentally, note that these options apply to other people affected by your divorce as well as your ex - e.g. your parents and grandparents. They probably feel some degree of responsibility, as in "What did I/we do wrong?" Part of grieving their divorce-related losses is answering the question "Why did our child divorce?" The core answer is probably "We unintentionally passed on the [wounds + ignorance] cycle we each inherited."

Recall the premise here that excessive guilt is a common symptom of significant false-self wounds and ignorance. If you think your ex suffers from these, read this article for perspective and options. This is vitally important if you two are parents or grandparents!

Recap

        This  Solutions article is one of a series on reducing post-divorce stressors between ex mates. It applies these basic ideas to reduce excessive divorce-related guilts in yourself and your former partner.

        A basic theme here is that excessive guilts come from (a) a false self ruling the personality, and (b) not knowing that unnecessary guilts spring from trying to live by other people's moral and behavioral rules (shoulds, have to's, ought-to's, musts, and can nots).

        A related premise is that part of "maturing" is learning to evaluate whether other people's rules fit you as a unique, worthy adult, and replacing those that don't fit with more appropriate personal values and rules - without undue shame, guilt, and anxiety!

        This article offers (a) perspective on divorce and (b) changing old rules using "parts work," and (c) illustrates typical old and new personal rules about separation and divorce. The second half of the article  offers perspective and options if your former partner seems to be burdened by excessive guilt. The larger issue is whether s/he is dominated by a well-meaning false self.

        Whether or not you and/or your ex suffer from excessive guilts and other wounds, any minor or grown kids you have will probably need your help in managing their own guilts and other adjustment tasks. Also - if and when either of you ex mates choose a new partner and prior kids are involved, you all can expect to experience a new set of significant, confusing guilts (and other stressors).

If you're in this situation, or may be, see this article for perspective and options. Also, recall that this site proposes that significant guilts usually accompany excessive shame - the feeling that comes from some personality subselves believing "I am a worthless, bad, unlovable person." If you haven't yet, study this companion article on recognizing and reducing excessive shame ("low self esteem") as part of a program to reduce false-self wounds.

        Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not - what do you need now?

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Updated  October 30, 2008