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The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/intimidation.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This
is one of a series of Web pages at
www.sfhelp.org
that suggests solutions for common relation-ship problems in divorcing families and stepfamilies. This
sub-series focuses on reducing
to co-parental teamwork. The
introduction
gives background on this site and the author.
Ideas here aim to aug-ment, not replace, other appropriate professional
Get the most from this article by first reading...
-
the basic
premises
underlying this Web site,
-
the
basic ingredients of a
healthy relationship and a
high-nurturance
family,
-
these stepfamily
basics and
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves (like yours) -
slides or
text,
-
most divorcing family and stepfamily relationships are
significantly stressful,
and 11 primary
they cause,
-
the
difference between surface problems and
that cause them
-
co-parents
should commit to;
-
perspective on
key factors that shape
ex-mate relations; and ...
-
frameworks for
analyzing and
resolving typical role
and relationship problems.
The Surface Problem
...
This site proposes that most (all?) relationship
problems are symptoms of
unmet
Where this is true,
and filling each
person's needs
leads to permanent problem resolution. Implication:
Feeling helpless, victimized, and intimidated by an angry / volatile / aggressive
ex-mate is a symptom of one or more of the primary problems
hilighted below. Once you're aware of the primary problems, you can reduce
each one, over time!
Intimidation means
"to make timid (fearful)." It occurs when one person feels significant anxiety
about
possible behavior of another - toward them, or someone they care for. The
feared behavior may be aggression ("I'll cause you discomfort!"),
traumatic conflict (overwhelm), and/or the
of some tangible or invisible prize, like
psychological or financial
security.
I assume you're reading this because you or someone you care for
feel too intimidated by your ex mate, and you seek an effective way of
reducing that. If so, the surface problem is your feeling intimidated
(scared), not your mate's behavior.
In divorcing families and stepfamilies, at least three things can amplify the
stress of an intimidating (aggressive, hostile) ex mate: (a) other
relationship
(b) how kids and
relatives react to co-parent conflicts, and (c) the
needs and values of one or two new partners (stepparents).
In other words,
"ex mate hostility" is not an isolated stressor, but one of an interactive
group of surface and underlying problems. Fortunately, most family role and
relationship problems have the same primary causes. So to raise family
harmony, co-parents do well to focus on identifying and resolving these
causes,
rather than on their mix of surface issues.
Sometimes re/marriage, cohabiting (and implied
intercourse), and/or conceiving a child with a new partner can cause
simmering jealousy, resentment, and rage to
erupt from a previously passive ex mate.
A variation of this drama occurs when a teen or adult child seems endlessly
bitter at, and rebellious toward, one or both parents who separate. This may also
happen if one parent - or a grandparent - enlists a child against their other
"despicable" parent.
This can become specially bitter and tumultuous if an ex mate
habitually disparages the other parent to their child, and
un/consciously distorts actual events for the cause ("Remember what your
lousy father did to me / you / us?"). Using or alienating a child for
"divorce" retribution can transform even timid parents and uninvolved relatives
into hostile warriors and Amazons.
|
So the surface problem nets out to something like this: "Through
no fault of mine, I feel
helpless to effectively protect myself from an intimidating
(threatening) ex mate."
If this describes you, what are your
options? |
Identify and Reduce the
Primary
Problems
If you feel powerless in this situation, you
probably have more options than you know! Start by sorting out what you
and what you
can't:
|
I can affect or
change... |
I can't... |
-
who
my
personality
-
my perception of "the
problem"
-
my
attitude and behavior toward my ex
-
my self esteem
and integrity
-
my
(limits)
-
my life
-
when and
I respond to my ex
-
if and when to invoke the
law
-
my kids' and/or kin's
involvement (with limits)
-
my ability to
limits
and consequences effectively
-
my
network and
-
my
self-blame and
I hang
on to
-
my ability to
past
-
the scope
and level of my
-
my kids'
attitudes and welfare
-
(add your own)
|
-
change my
ex's
needs,
priorities, values,
or spiritual faith
-
change the past
(e.g. your or your ex's childhood traumas) or human
nature
-
make my ex
want to
-
make my ex
want to change or
-
control how my ex perceives me,
my actions, or
our past
-
reason logically with my ex
at times, or at all
-
change the law
-
reduce my kids' need to interact
with their other parent and kin
-
-
|
Note that you can affect more things
than you can't. If your
is "Yes, but
...", a well-intentioned
probably rules
you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how badly do you need to improve your
"intimidating ex-mate" situation? Do your actions match your thoughts?
Take Responsibility for
Your Half
If you
want to feel less intimidated, it's up to you to change. If you hold your ex mate
responsible for changing your relationship, you (your governing subselves)
choose a
role, and give away your personal power. Note that
intimidation is just one of several
interactive relationship
Safe-guard
here provides
a framework to reduce each of them, over time.
|
Therapists Steve and Carol Lankton suggest "If you always do what you've
always done, you'll always get what you've always got." Does that
match your life experience? Fully accepting your half of the
relationship with your ex empowers you to
all items in the
left column above. |
This site proposes that most role and relationship
problems are symptoms of unfilled
The primary problems
distressing you are
probably a mix of those below.
See which apply, and then we'll look at your options.
1)
You and/or your
ex are not aware of being controlled by a
reactive
If so, that
will relentlessly promote a
relationship
and all of these
It may also
promote your ex being stuck in the rage
phase of grieving past losses - including some in childhood that
(logically) have nothing to do with you.
If so, your ex's rage and threats may
really be
about something childhood caregivers did (or didn't do), long before
meeting you. If so, you cannot change that. You can
and decide
how to respond to your
ex.
False-self
control promotes all of the following problems:
2) You
don't (yet)
respect yourself and/or your partner
as a person and/or in the role of co-parent. If so, you probably don't have a clear definition of
your basic rights
as a dignified, worthy person - and/or of your ex mate's equal rights.
One or both of you may be
of
childhoods. If so, it will be hard for you to
admit that, until you
and honestly
for false-self wounds. And/or...
3) Wounded or not, you ex mates
probably don't know these communication
basics and
If
true,
will enable
you to clarify your personal
rights, and
and enforce your
and consequences with your ex more effectively.
Prerequisites are (a)
your
true Self
(capital "S") to guide your
other personality
and (b)
adopting a genuine attitude
of
and compassion
for you both. Another possible primary problem is...
4) You
haven't
your divorce-related (or other) major
well
enough, and are unable to set and enforce
your boundaries with your ex effectively, so far.
And/or, your ex
may be
in grieving, and is
unconsciously using
rage and intimidation as a way of prolonging emotional contact
because really saying "goodbye" is unbearable. You cannot
make your ex grieve and let go - and you can set and enforce
your boundaries. And it's likely that...
5) One or both of you
are
unaware of how to manage
and
conflicts, and
associated
Added to false-self
wounds and ineffective communication, this causes significant frustration,
which may fuel your ex's aggression. Another possible primary problem is...
6) You
(your ruling subselves) believe "I'm bad or wrong if I
get
A variation is your
subself
insisting "I have so much repressed anger, if I express it, someone will die!"
Both of these are
suggesting your true Self is
They prevent your using your valuable
anger-energy to assert and
enforce your needs and boundaries with your ex. A final primary problem may
be that...
7) You've been traumatized by past interpersonal conflicts, and
(your subselves) feel "I don't like conflicts. I've never experienced confrontations being
useful, and/or
I don't believe I'm competent or tough enough to manage my needs
effectively." This usually results from problems 1-3 above. All can
be corrected!
Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings now. Is
your Self
your other subselves? Do you feel you have one or more of
these seven primary problems? If so, let's review your key...
Continue
with a range of
options to deal with
these primary problems...
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