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The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/intimidation.htm
Continued from p. 1...
Options
Your primary choice is whether or not to take responsibility for
the things you can,
in order to reduce the fears that inhibit your and your kids' lives. Before deciding if you want to
do this, consider this Chinese folktale:
Once upon a time, a fierce
forest tiger caused a village to live in terror. It ate livestock at will,
and even killed several children and adults. The villagers hired a hunter,
and trapped the tiger. Respecting life, they built a stout bamboo cage for
him in the center of the village.
For many years, the tiger slept, and paced endlessly around the cage. The
grandchildren of the original villagers finally said - our tiger is old and
toothless. We should let him return to his forest to die in peace. They
dismantled the cage, and all gathered to see their old friend set free.
The tiger was bewildered. He looked around at the strange bar-less scene,
and at the nearby forest. Then he resumed pacing his measured square,
walking the boundaries of the cage that was no longer there.
How can you free yourself from your invisible cage of anxiety? Options...
Option:
envision a life where your ex mate's behavior doesn't
cause you or your kids significant anxiety. Remember what that felt
like? Hold on to that vision as an achievable goal, even if you
don't know how, yet.
Option: accept that to
reduce your anxiety, you must want to change...
Have you ever changed an attitude before? A habit? Remember how you did that
? Do you trust you can do it again if you (your governing subselves) want to?
Two more choices:
Option:
learn more
about the causes and
of
false-self wounds, and how to reduce them - i.e. investigate
co-parent
To start...
Choose a long-term outlook and the open mind of a student.
Then read the first 14 articles
here, and discuss
them with other family adults and supporters. As you read, notice with
interest what your
(subselves) say.
If they're skeptical about harmonizing your subselves, read
this, and try
this interesting exercise. Then...
Read the helpful paperback
"Embracing
Each Other," by psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone. It's about
recognizing and interacting with the "inner voices" (subselves) that you, your
ex mate, and all other family members have, and how
they react to each other and the world. Finally ...
Fill out these
11 worksheeets for yourself, then for your ex mate. This will help you decide whether
one or both of you are significantly dominated by a
false
self - and are unconsciously
any dependent
children.
If you feel you have
false-self wounds, begin to explore personal
- empowering your true Self to
harmonize and lead your
and life.
This and these other steps will eventually manifest your vision of life free of
intimidation!
If you feel your
ex
mate is ruled by a protective false self,
choose to see him/her as
wounded, not "bad" or
"sick." Doing this is one requisite toward improving your co-parenting
communications - which will cause a gradual change in your ex's reactions to you.
This
attitude shift from blame to compassion does not mean you condone your ex mate's
values, decisions,
or actions!
Stay aware of the
difference between your ex
mate's actions and her or his personal dignity and
rights. Your former partner is a wounded human being who
(probably) isn't
aware of being ruled by a false self, what that
and options like
these. If your reaction to this is "Yes, but...", know that your false
self doesn't trust that it's safe to take this option yet.
Options: commit
to improving the effectiveness of your communication with your ex (and
everyone else). Study the
guidebook
Satisfactions
or these articles, over
many weeks. Then act: with long-term improvement
as your goal, practice these
attitudes and seven
and see if you get
more of your needs met more often. Expect this to take
time, and enjoy small triumphs along the way!
|
Give special attention to
respectful
and clarifying and affirming your personal
Bill of
Rights. These are powerful tools your
true
Self can use to respectfully declare and enforce appropriate
boundaries
with your wounded, unaware ex mate. |
-
Decide if changing any of your
key attitudes would help
you co-parent your children more effectively in the long run. Option:
if you decide to change any attitudes, inform your ex of that, and why
you're doing it.
-
Try
(a)
normal and (b) conflictual communication
between you and your ex mate. See what you
learn!
-
Use this checklist of common
communication
blocks to reveal places your true Self can improve your
"normal" cycle of ineffective communications
with your ex. Then experiment with these
tips.
-
Study, discuss, and apply these ideas on identifying and resolving
stressful
and
conflicts, and
associated
-
Expect that as you
your true Self to
harmonize and
your
personality, and you become more skilled and
confident in using the seven conflict-resolution skills, you'll find that
asserting effective boundaries and consequences with your "intimidating"
(wounded, unaware) ex mate becomes notably easier over time.
How are you feeling now? Where do your thoughts go? Do you believe that
holding firm to your long-range vision of less intimidation, and making
patient, determined choices like these can help it come true? If your inner
voices say "No way!", say an affectionate hello to your well-meaning
and/or
subselves. If your subselves aren't ready to take responsibility and steps like these
to lower the anxiety they've been creating and enduring, try rereading this article next
month. Things change...
Recap
One of a cluster of
that typical
divorced-family and stepfamily members suffer is "an intimidating (hostile, aggressive, reactive) ex
mate." Their attitudes and behaviors cause fear and anxiety about threatened
pain, injury, or losses. This article suggests that "intimidation" (to make
timid) is a surface symptom of up to seven primary problems. Key among them
are
ex-mates' unawareness of false-self wounds, and effective-communication
basics, skills, and options.
The article concludes with several practical options an "intimidated" ex can
follow to release his or her ex-mate fears. The options begin with
accepting full responsibility for reducing the
intimidation you live with (vs. for changing your ex mate). With
Project-1 recovery, new attitudes, and new knowledge,
your
can learn to assert effective boundaries and consequences to
your (wounded) ex, and replace excessive anxiety with increasing compassion,
self-confidence, and securities.
Reflect: why did you read this article? Did you get your
met? If not, what
you need? What's the "next right thing" for you to do now?
+ + +
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