Project 10 of 12: build an effective co-parenting team over time
	Reduce Excessive Jealousy of Your Ex Mate Uncover and Resolve the Primary Problems - p. 1 of 2 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Retired Board member Stepfamily Association of America

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/jealousy.htm

        This is one of a series of Web articles that suggests solutions for common relationship problems in divorcing families and stepfamilies. This sub-series focuses on reducing barriers to co-parental teamwork. Read this for perspective in this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best use it. The "/" in re/marriage notes it may be  stepparent's first union. Ideas here aim to augment, not replace, other appropriate professional counsel.  Clicking links will open summary popups or a new browser window. Use your browser's "back" button to return here.

        The suggestions below will make more sense after you read ...

• the basic premises underlying this nonprofit site,

• the fundamental ingredients of a healthy relationship and a high-nurturance family,

• these stepfamily basics and implications,

• this introduction to normal personality subselves (like yours),

• this overview of the silent [wounds + ignorance] cycle that may stress you all,

• five reasons  most divorcing family and stepfamily relationships are extra stressful, and the common problems they cause

• 12 ways  co-parents can shift stress toward contentment,

• perspective on key factors that shape ex-mate relations, and...

• This overview of Project 10:  co-parent team-building.

        This article explores reducing excessive jealousy you may feel, by uncovering and resolving the primary problems underneath. The second page (of two) outlines options you have for dealing with an excessively jealous ex mate

  1) You Feel Significantly Jealousy of your Ex Mate

        In some of the hundreds of divorcing family and stepfamily couples I've met since 1981, an ex mate is significantly envious and resentful - jealous - of their former partner's new situation. The ex may camou-flage their envy, or hiss it to anyone who listens.

        The "green-eyed monster" can get triggered by their ex's new love, sex, child conception and paren-ting, money and material wealth, professional or social success, or "happiness." It may have been present in the ended marriage, or erupt after separation. Jealousy (among many feelings) is specially likely if one partner has an affair and rejects their mate for another.

What is "Jealousy"?

        Envy is longing for something that someone else has but you don't. Jealousy blends envy with feelings of...

• entitlement - "I deserve to have the love (or whatever) that Frank is giving to Joanne!";

• frustration at not getting what you want, need, or deserve;

• hurt, resentment, and anger about being treated disrespectfully ("unfairly") by someone;

• blame or criticism of your ex, your parents, God, or "fate;" and maybe ...

• guilt and/or shame that you feel these things, and have related "bad" thoughts.

What's the (Surface) Problem?

        Excessive ex-mate jealousy hinders (a) co-parenting communication, problem-solving, and teamwork; and (b) healthy grieving of divorce-related losses. It can also (c) promote distrust, dislike, and polarization between ex-mates' relatives and mutual friends. These amplify co-parenting barriers and lower the family's nurturance level, which stunts personal development and family bonding, and promotes psychological wounds.

        If the jealous one remarries, their new partner may amplify stepfamily relationship problems by also feeling critical and resentful (or jealous) of their mate's ex spouse - from loyalty and/or their own reasons. In the best case, new partners add a voice of moderation, reason, and conciliation.

        Even if a divorced parent tries to mute or hide their jealousy, their custodial or visiting kids will sense their Dad or Mom's "bad feelings" about their other parent. That promotes the children feeling anxious and insecure, and maybe fearing that they're doing something wrong or bad. In the worst case, the jealous parent openly scorns or disparages their ex spouse in front of their kids, or hints or demands that the child/ren must blame and reject their other parent.

        That fuels divisive loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Jealousy in one or both divorced partners usually adds to a rancid mix of distrust, disrespect, resentment, guilt, and hostility to form dislike - which fosters rejection  and exclusion.

        Bottom line: excessive ex-mate jealousy promotes a number of interactive family-relationship problems which hinder all family members from filling their (your) local and developmental needs.  

 How Much is Too Much?

       How do you decide if you should reduce your jealousy? Each family member and supporter will have their own opinion - including "I don't know." One answer is "If any of our related co-parents consistently feels I should reduce my jealousy."

       Another answer is "My jealous feelings and thoughts reduce my serenity and wholistic health 'too much.'" A third answer may be "I'm too uncomfortable with the effect of my jealousy on our young people." Either way - if you and/or your ex are burdened with excessive jealousy, what can you do - for your and your kids' and other co-parents' sakes?

Options If You're Excessively Jealousy of Your Ex

        Pick suggestions from this buffet to suite your taste, personality, and situation. This is not meant to be the way to cope with excessive jealousy.

Prepare

        1) Notice your initial attitude, without judgment. Is it "I can and will reduce the excessive jealousy that burdens me, starting now," or something else? If "something else," reflect:

Have I changed at least one other fundamental aspect of my personality before? (e.g. I used to - laugh when I hurt / lie, at times / never say "no" / never call the doctor / fear sex / ...)

How did I make that change? (e.g. consciously, or "it just happened"?; With help, or alone?; Gradually, or suddenly?; Because of a painful trauma, or just "It was time to change"?; With tools - like affirmations, prayers, reminders, images - or not?; etc.

Do I know anyone else who has really freed themselves from excessive jealousy? If so - how  did they do it?" If not - why not ask people I know if they know of someone?

        Option 2) Strengthen your motivation: meditate, journal, or tell a receptive friend in detail, the specific benefits you envision that will occur when you succeed in reducing your extra jealousy. How - specifically - will your and others' lives be better? If you're not clear yet, try identifying the specific discomforts that your jealousy causes you (vs. other people). Then allow yourself to vividly imagine your life to be free of those. Keep this vision, or a written description or symbol of it, where you can remind yourself along the way of why you're making this important personal change.

        3) Gain new knowledge: The suggestions below spring from the idea that the parts of your personality form an "inner family." If you haven't yet, invest in studying... 

An overview of the nurturance factors that you (and your ex, and your child/ren) needed to grow up wholistically healthy;

An introduction to the false-self wounds that most survivors of low-nurturance childhoods develop and cope with. This is probably about you and your ex;

An introduction to your inner family of personality subselves. Begin to sense whether your true Self or a false self is calling your shots - at least with your ex;

The intriguing relationship paperback Embracing Each Other, by veteran psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone; and...

Key attitude choices that shape your relationship with your ex spouse;

        Let me reassure you: having a group of personality subselves control your moment- to- moment thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations seems to be normal. Common reactions to first learning about this is skepticism, flavored with anxiety about "being crazy" or a "multiple personality." A recent American psychiatric survey suggests that the odds are about 95 to 5 that you are not. If you're skeptical about subselves, study this open letter.

        Option 3) Decide if you believe that stabilizing any lasting (second-order) personal change takes time and experiences. A folk idea (or truth?) is that it takes about three weeks to replace an old habit with consistent new behaviors, and the beliefs, attitudes, and  thoughts that cause them.

        Work toward some version of the belief that "This change (less jealousy) will take weeks or months of (experimentexperienceevaluatere-experiment) cycles to stabilize. Doing this will raise the odds that you won't get discouraged and quit.

        A final preparation for redirecting your jealousy-energy is to clarify ...

        4) How important is this change to you now, on a scale of 1 to 10? Your success odds here rise in proportion to the priority your ruling subselves assign to it.

        When you've done these four preparations, notice whether you feel and/or think differently about you, your ex mate, and your relationship. Do you see your "jealousy" and related feelings in a new way? How likely is it that your ex-mate relationship to date has been governed by your and/or your ex's false self? If your priorities have shifted, postpone working on redirecting your jealousy until you're satisfied you've progressed enough on your higher-ranking projects. Now you're ready to... 

Uncover the Primary Problems

Adjust Your Attitudes

        Jealousy is a normal human reaction. The several emotions that comprise it are a kind of energy. Combined with thoughts, emotional energies cause body sensations and behavior (actions). Your energy can damage things you value, go to waste, or improve and grow useful things. You can choose to direct your emotional energy, if you want to. How do you feel about these ideas?

        Try out the idea that "My jealousy energy is not 'bad'; (perhaps) the way I've unconsciously directed it has been destructive (to whom or what?). I can learn to channel this energy toward some good purpose." Consider another possibility: "My 'jealousy' is caused by deeper needs that I'm not yet aware of." Notice your self-talk now without judgment... 

        Do you have a Skeptic / Pessimist subself guarding your Inner Kids? S/He might cause sarcastic thoughts like "That's stupid! You've never heard of anyone 'redirecting their emotional energy'. That's wacko New Age psychobabble. Even if somebody might redirect, you sure can't! Don't buy into this!" Another subself might try to distract (protect) you with "This is boring and too intellectual. Let's (quit reading and do something exciting)." 

        If you have thoughts like these, they're probably well meant - and are not from your true Self. S/He's more apt to say "Hm, that's interesting. I never thought of emotions like that. We (inner family members) have never thought about 'directing our emotional energy' before. I wonder what's possible? Let's explore this safely..." When you can hold this attitude, continue...

Grow Your Awareness...

          Get quiet, undistracted, and comfortable. Bring paper and pen, or a tape recorder. Recall how you felt the last time your Self (capital "S") was guiding your personality. Request any distracting thoughts and images to "be still, for now," and free your Self to lead. Breathe fully from your belly.

        Now - without editing, focus intently on the things about your ex that evoke your jealousy. What are they, specifically? As thoughts come, write them down verbatim, or tape-record them. Try saying them out loud, and listen to the quality of your voice. If images or memories appear, write a few words that will identify them later. Notice any body sensations, like your breathing, heart rate, temperature, muscles... Jot some notes - including "no physical reactions" if that's so.

        Imagine your personality to be composed of a group of specialists, like an orchestra or sports team. Then try the idea that one or more of your specialists (subselves) are generating the thoughts and feelings you call "jealousy." Often, when people first try "parts work" like this, vigilant Skeptic and/or Cynic subselves can cause thoughts like "This isn't safe!", "This will never work!", and/or "I can't do this." A Blocker subself may "blank out" or jumble your thoughts, and/or numb your feelings. If you're experiencing anything like that, appreciate that your false self is striving to protect you. 

        Can you image your Blocker? Yes or no, try reassuring that personality part that you (your true Self) agree to stop this exploration if anything starts to feel too scary. If subselves don't trust you, refocus on respectfully lowering their fear/s. 

        If your Blamer does trust you, again focus what "makes you" jealous about your ex spouse: what is it that they have that you want for yourself? Trust the first reactions that "pop up." See if a version of one or more of these thoughts appears: "I want ___________ (something my ex has) because...

1) ... I deserve it, and it's not fair that s/he gets it, and I haven't!" [One or more of your personality parts fiercely believes that life must be fair - because if it's not, that would mean (some unthinkable catastrophe)]

2) ... it galls me that s/he should enjoy (love / sex / wealth / happiness / a child / a family / success" / "normalcy" / ...) after s/he hurt me so badly!" This is not jealousy, but resentment based on unacknowledged, unhealed hurt and disrespect;

3) ... I want my ex (or someone) to know what it feels like for me to have it too (because then ...)"

4) ... I want other people to know I'm just as good / healthy / happy / fortunate / capable as my ex is! (because I think or fear that they don't think I'm as good as my ex);"

5) ... I want others (who?) to stop (pitying / worrying about / nagging) me because I don't have it (too)."

6) ... (something else).

Do you see a pattern here? If you start to explore your jealous thoughts and related feelings nonjudgmentally (vs. repress, deny, analyze, or explain them), you'll usually uncover some real unfilled need/s hidden underneath them. How can you do this uncovering?

        When you're physically, emotionally, and mentally undistracted, imagine yourself as an expert news reporter. With objective interest and curiosity, prepare to "interview" the inner-family members who bring you their jealous feelings, images, and thoughts. Imagine as clearly as you can a safe, quiet, pleasant setting in which to do your interview - perhaps a real place, or one you invent. You're going to note, separate, and record your thoughts, images or memories, and feelings. There is no right or wrong here!

        In your inner safe setting, focus on one jealous thought. Invite the personality part who causes that thought to give you an image that represents them. You might get nothing, or a vague or clear "picture" or sense of some person, fictional character, animal, object, or memory. Stay aware that any inner picture is a symbolic image, like a costume - it is not your personality part. So if you picture your Mother or your part has "her voice" - it is not her.

        If you get an image, focus on it. If you don't, focus on the "voice" that gives you your jealous thought - or focus on the feeling that's attached to the thought. Remind yourself "This part of me is trying to help me, in it's own way." 

        As you focus on your "Jealous One," notice how you feel about it/her/him. If you feel anything other than genuine compassion and interest, it's likely that one or more other parts have blended with your Self, and you're feeling their emotions about Jealous One. 

        Ask these (unknown) parts respectfully to keep their feelings intact and "unblend" with you, so you can do this important interview. If they do, your feelings about Jealous will change. Thank the unblending part/s, and continue. If they won't unblend, redirect your interview to discover who they are and what they need now. Take all the time you need!

        To illustrate the interview process, let me assume the set of jealous thoughts you're focusing on is something like "I'm really jealous that Pat (your ex) has a new loving relationship that includes sex. Why can't I have that?! I used to have love and good sex with Pat, and then s/he took it away. I hate that (or Pat)!"

Self - "Mm - Pat's having another loving relationship really upsets you!" (using empathic listening).

Jealous - "Yeah, it sure does! It's about time someone understood how lousy this is!"

Self -"You really want to be heard and accepted."

Jealous (a little calmer) - "Yes I do!"

Self - "You miss the good feeling of being in love with a trusted sexual partner, and it really pains you that Pat has those now and you don't, any more."

Jealous - "I couldn't say it any clearer than that. It's really hard, every time Pat calls, or I have to drop off (daughters) Sarah and Tina, to get reminded..."

Self - "Like a scab getting ripped off..." (compassionate validation, without suggestions)

Jealous - "Right, right!"

Self - "Which bothers you more - that you don't have a love partner now, or that Pat does?"

Jealous - "They both bother me! It's not fair that Pat gets rewarded after dumping me, and I'm left alone  through no fault of my own!"

Self - "You're really angry at this injustice!" (An empathic listening statement, not a question)

Jealous - "Well, wouldn't you be? After all, s/he dumped YOU too!"

Self - "Yes, I have some feelings like that... Tell me, if you could find a safe, satisfying new love relationship, would you feel the same about Pat's new love?"

Jealous - (pause) "I'm ... not sure. Probably. I think I'd stop focusing on Pat so much..."

Self - "If you didn't have to focus on Pat and the injustice, what might happen?"

Jealous - "Nothing good..."

Self - "I'm not sure what you mean."

Jealous - "Well... we'd have to think about other things."

Self - "Can you tell me what other things?"

Jealous - "You know - like how bad we feel." (notice the "we")

Self - "How bad we feel about..."

Critic and Catastrophizer (other personality parts) interrupt - "Of course, you idiot! Failing at marriage! Being a terrible parent, and hurting (daughters) Sarah and Tina! Letting Mom and Dad down! Being a general loser! Having to face 'the dating scene' all over again! Having your sister pity us! Probably living without love and dying alone! This is a lousy, rotten situation, in case you haven't noticed!"

        Let's stop this example of uncovering what's underneath "jealousy," and review what happened. We started by getting undistracted, and focusing on specific "jealous" thoughts about (your) ex. We identified the inner-family member creating the thoughts, imaged them, and true Self began to "interview" Jealous respectfully, in a safe, undistracted inner (and outer) setting.

         Jealous began to reveal that focusing resentful, envious thoughts on Pat's "unfair" new love deflected conscious awareness from a set of judgmental thoughts that evoked a mix of intense guilt, shame, sorrow, and fear. Those feelings are usually brought to us by one or several Vulnerable parts - bewildered, lost inner children. Guardian personality parts are solely devoted to protecting our inner kids from upset. 

        In this case, the Guardian part we called Jealous was single-mindedly protecting several inner kids from disturbing thoughts from the Critic and the Catastrophizer personality parts, by focusing on Pat's galling new love - over and over again. There are probably other inner-family members involved that we didn't discover, so far.

        Implication: focusing outward (on your ex) and feeling envy and resentment may be safer and less unpleasant than focusing inward, and experiencing a painful mix of guilt, shame, sorrow, and fear. My hunch is that whatever your particular "jealous" thoughts are - they protect you from these core painful divorce-related thoughts and feelings underneath.

        Interviewing the inner-family member/s who bring you jealous thoughts and feelings can go in many different directions. This example is meant to illustrate the interview attitude (respectful empathy and curiosity) and process - not a cookbook dialog that you should or will have.

        Paradoxically, until you focus inward and heal your own wounds, protective "jealousy" about your ex mate will continue to promote your false self controlling your life, as long as you two need to discuss co-parenting and co-grandparenting things. That will inexorably lower your wholistic health and the quality of your relationships, as you age. It also risks unconsciously wounding the kids who depend on you, just as your unaware caregivers did.

        Reducing excessive ex-mate "jealousy" to acceptable - by your standards - usually requires doing some or all of these, over time:

Reduce your toxic guilt over doing a set of "bad  things" - breaking someone's rules (shoulds, have to's, or musts) about marriage, divorce, and parenting;

Convert old shame, reflexive self criticism, and habitual self-neglect into genuine self love, self respect, self compassion, and self encouragement - balanced with genuinely feeling those for all other living things - including your ex! ;

Convert self doubt, protective pessimism and cynicism, and terrifying catastrophic images and thoughts to a rock-solid trust in (a) your true Self's wisdom and judgment, (b) a reliable, responsive, benign Higher Power; and (c) a safe-enough Earth and Universe; and ...

Recognize, feel, vent, and let go of old hurts and angers at one or more childhood caregivers that we (i.e. parts of our personality) unconsciously and protectively project onto our ex mate.

        All these doable self-healing projects are optional recovery steps within your unique version of co-parent Project 1. They involve (a) taking full responsibility for the quality of your own life; and then working patiently to (b) empower your true Self to lead your other subselves (personality) over time; and (c) assign new responsibilities to your Guardian parts like Jealous One and Catastrophizer, and redirect their valuable energy to better uses. Once they believe that their original fears are groundless (e.g. "I really can trust Self to keep us safe!"), subselves change - often very quickly.

Recap

        If you have waves of excessive post-divorce jealousy about some aspect of your ex mate's life - I believe your "jealousy" is not the real problem. Those thoughts and feelings are real - and are probably vivid signals that you have some deeper personal issues to resolve. You can resolve them via Project 1 recovery - if you courageously shift your focus from your ex mate to understanding and harmonizing your own inner family, over time. Doing so is a priceless gift to you, your child/ren, and all other co-parents and involved relatives in your extended family.

Page two examines choices you have if your ex mate seems to feel excessively jealousy of you.

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Updated  June 05, 2008