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Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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Options for
Responding to Excessive
Jealousy in Your Ex Spouse -
part 2 of 2
Decide if You Want
to Be
Active or Passive
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council
|
 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/rx/ex/jealousy.htm
Continued...
This page explores choices you have if your ex mate is excessively
of
you. The prior page outlines options you have for
uncovering and resolving the primary problems underneath excessive
jealousy you feel about your ex mate. If you haven't read that yet, do so now, and
return.
 What's the (Surface)
Problem?
The symptoms are many and varied: snide comments ("Well you're just
sitting pretty on top of the world, aren't you?"); "looks;"
sarcastic voice tone; burst of anger; physical or conversational avoidances;
whining, blaming, snubbing, lateness, child-related arguments, resentful
accusations,... Behavior patterns (messages) like these from your ex mate can mean
several things.
One is that your ex may be unable to
the
of your former relationship, your intact family, and the
dreams you shared. Another is that s/he is still enraged (hurt) that
you rejected them (if you did). Another possibility is that they need to deny
their own contribution, and blame you for the ongoing separation-related pain
in their and your kids' lives.
A fourth possibility is that your ex mate is excessively jealousy of
you - as a person, a beloved custodial co-parent, a desired partner with a new
love, a respected extended-family member, and/or a successful
professional.
The complexity of people and human relations makes it unlikely your ex's
behaviors stem from just one thing. Whether the cause is obsessive jealousy or
a mix of these motivators - what's the problem?
If your ex behaves like the examples above, I suspect you experience at least
two "problems" - (a) fluctuating frustration, indignation, and
irritation (or anxiety) when you communicate with them; and (b)
conflictual co-parenting: difficulty
your child/ren
effectively as separated loving parents.
A third problem may be how your ex mate's behaviors (and your
responses) affect your child/ren.
If your ex is extra jealous, your minor or grown child/ren pick up
mixed or critical messages from their other parent about you - which puts them
in the middle of a stressful relationship
If they're torn and uncomfortable - so (probably) are you.
Because human communications are circular, a fourth possible problem is
you - the semi-conscious way you usually react (verbally and
otherwise) when your ex acts jealous. S/He may perceive your
responses as critical, disdainful, dishonest, boastful, phony, evasive,
cowardly, or something equally nettling.
All of these reactions have one communication dynamic in common: the
embedded in them is received as either "I'm 1-up (better than
you)," or "I'm 1-down (worse than you)."
If you're in a stepfamily, your ex mate's jealousy and resulting behaviors may
also be contributing directly or indirectly to relationship problems with your new
partner, and/or a stepchild or in-law.
So what does all this mean, and what are your choices? Bottom line:
your ex mate seems excessively jealous or resentful of you. That attitude may be
blended with unresolved upsets with your past or present actions, traits, or
circumstances. These make it hard to co-parent effectively with them, and may
stress your kids. Those cause you stress.
Premises
Toward growing your own serenity and protecting your child/ren, reflect
on these baseline proposals:
If your ex is excessively jealous - you didn't cause it,
and
Protesting, explaining, or arguing may make you feel
better locally, but (a) will not change their beliefs, perceptions,
or behavior; and (b) will probably increase your and their
frustrations, impatience, disrespect,
and distrust, over time. Those will
degrade your co-parenting communication effectiveness, which will
hurt your kids, and raise your guilt and
anxiety. Does this match your experience?
-
You can control your
attitude
about your ex, and your responses to their jealous behaviors;
-
You can sort out concurrent relationship
and work to resolve them one at a time; and...
You can
influence (vs. control) your kids' relationship
with their other parent: you can (a) listen, empathize, and validate
your kids' feelings, if they're caught in a toxic relationship triangle. You
can also teach, model, and coach them to (b) set clear
(unhook from a triangle), and
(c) respectfully
their needs, with their other parent. Finally...
You
can defer acting on these, because acting will generate some
conflict before serenity - or you can begin some of these options now...
Options
1) Change your
attitude about your ex mate and their
behaviors from critical to compassionate. It's very likely that your ex mate
is significantly
To research that, read the
articles objectively do the worksheets
in Project
1.
If your ex is ruled by a
false self and
that, that's equivalent to them having an unchosen disability like a club
foot, partial blindness, or a collapsed lung. Would you despise and ridicule
them if they had one of those, or feel compassion?
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Be clear: building a genuine attitude of compassion for your wounded ex
mate does not mean you have
to endure their behaviors! It does mean that you can assert your
boundaries with them firmly and respectfully ("We're of equal
dignity"), rather than disdainfully or critically ("I'm 1-up").
It also means you can choose to avoid pitying them - which inherently
implies the same shaming attitude.
|
Coach yourself and your kids to stay clear on the vital difference between
your ex mate's dignity as a unique talented and flawed human being, and their actions.
This clarity can empower you to steadily communicate with your ex respectfully and powerfully,
which is likely to harvest the same in return, over time.
2) Take charge of your responses to your ex mate's jealous
behaviors. Your first goal is to get centered, (put your
true
Self in charge). Then get clear on (a) how you feel,
(b) specifically what you
and
(c) what you can and
Then (c)
your
needs and boundaries clearly, firmly,
and respectfully; and (d) follow through with any
consequences (vs. threats) that you asserted.
Is this what you do with your ex normally?
Start by clarifying how you usually respond when you experience your jealous
ex. Do this by recalling and
a
vivid example of the sequence of your recent interactive behaviors.
Nonjudgmentally, see if your responses are among these normal ones:
-
argue
-
justify
-
threaten
-
interrupt
-
pretend
-
catastrophize
|
-
blame
-
explain
-
preach
-
ridicule
-
bargain
-
plead
|
-
withdraw
-
demand
-
moralize
-
discount
-
rehash the past
-
lose focus
|
-
attack
-
complain
-
punish
-
tune out
-
withhold
-
rage
|
See
anything familiar? None of these responses promotes
communication! Look at each step in your communication-sequence map and
mull honestly for you and your ex: "Who's governing this person at this
point: their true Self, or a false self?
The
responses above usually happen when a
person's false self rules their personality. You can choose to do
otherwise!
To
increase the frequency of your true Self leading your other subselves, work
patiently on
- personal
While you do,
grow your fluency in the seven communication
Use them to change your
response-sequence with your jealous ex mate to include...
-
using empathic
when they behave jealously (this does not mean you agree or submit!);
-
using
and
to learn what your and their current primary needs are;
-
using (a) respectful
to declare your specific needs,
and consequences, and
(b) empathic listening to respond to their expected
resistances without losing focus
-
using awareness,
and
to spot and invite
resolution of any communication (vs. co-parenting) problems you and
your ex encounter;
-
creatively use all seven skills to brainstorm
OK solutions to your mutual primary needs, and...
- using assertion to affirm your and
your ex mate's positive behaviors and communication
Does
this look like a lot of complexity and work? At first, it is! So was
driving a car, or doing your job, when you first began. You can do
these steps, over time if you want to.
In
action, this option sounds something like this...
Your ex: "Well, how are you
enjoying the mega-thousand dollar multimedia center you bought with my money?"
You - calmly
recalling your conclusion
that s/he's
not rude, insensitive,
stupid, or bad: "You sound really resentful, as you say
that." (metatalk observation, not a criticism);
Ex: "Me resentful? Just because
you and your jerk lawyer walked off with 90% of our assets after you dumped me
- you think I shouldn't feel resentful?"
You: "You're really enraged
because you feel the whole process and the outcome was so unfair - and you
feel justified in resenting me and the process." (this is empathic
listening - not agreeing!);
Ex: (confused by your calm respectful
response) "Well, uh... you finally got that right."
You: "I can't change your
perception, or rewrite our history. I'm truly sad you're burdened by so much
anger and resentment."
Ex: (sarcastically,
distrusting
your sincerity) "Yeah, sure you are. And pigs can fly, too..."
You: "It's hard for you to trust
that I mean that." (more empathic listening);
Ex: (again startled by your reaction) "Of
course it is, after all the crap you've dumped on me."
You: "(ex's name), I need to know
what you need from me so you'll start to bring down your resentment over past
things we can't change. Our kids really need us to get past this together. I
know you want what I want for them..." (clear, net assertion, based
on your common co-parenting objective);
Ex: (startled) "Huh? You want
to know what I need?" That's a first!"
You: "I guess you haven't heard
that question from me very often, have you?" (genuinely respectful
affirmation, not defending, explaining, groveling, attacking, giving examples,...)
Ex: "That's for sure..."
You: "Well, I mean it now. What
can I do to help lower your resentment of me and our past, so we can give the
kids the best we've got in the present?" (reasserting what you need with genuine
Ex: (angrily) "Well you might
start by admitting that you gave me the shaft! I know this is too much to
hope for in my lifetime, but you need to apologize to me." (Expectation
confirmed. Your ex is probably ruled by an angry
personality subself who is generating their thoughts, feelings, and speech. Your
ex is
not choosing this, and you can't control it);
You: (calmly, with steady eye contact) "You're saying you'd let go
of some hurt and resentment at me if you heard me acknowledge how hurt you've
been by my actions." (Note - this is an empathic-listening statement,
not a question. It is checking to see if you're hearing clearly,
not agreeing! Such clarity - combined with a genuine mutual-respect attitude - is the core of effective problem solving.)
+ + +
How
does this small example of applying the seven communication skills - based on a
genuine mutual-respect
attitude - compare with how you usually think, feel, and respond to your
jealous (wounded) ex mate?
If
your protective subselves are thinking "This is unreal. I
(or we) could never talk like that...", I challenge you: why not? I teach communication skills, and have seen many
average adults learn
to speak their version of this example, with patient study and
practice. Yes you can learn to communicate like this - and then teach
your kids how.
offers tools, and shows you the way...
Let's continue exploring your options...
3)
Sort
and rank the current (vs. historic) relationship problems with your ex,
and focus on one at a time. It's unlikely that jealousy is
the only stressor you feel with your ex. You can choose to sort
out the several concurrent problems, and decide which you want to focus on
first. This whole site, this
and these selected
resources provide a
framework to help you do so.
For successful sorting,
and
is that your true
Self be consistently
your personality during the
process. Is s/he yet?
Option 4) Influence (vs. control) your kids' relationship with their other
parent. Is the mix of jealousy, resentment,
distrust,
disrespect,
guilt,
and hostility you two exchange causing your
minor or grown kids to choose between you?
Do they feel their other parent needs them to side with them against you? Are
they feeling torn (false-self ruled) and guilty for somehow causing the tension between
their parents?
If
so, here's an outline of several powerful options you have:
- Probe respectfully, and
empathically to each child alone. Some vocal kids need no probing - they'll broadcast their
feelings (if not their needs) loud and clear, directly or indirectly
("acting out"). Other kids (including "adult kids") are
more distrustful and reserved (not less passionate). They need gentle,
sincere, persistent invitations to express what they feel.
If
your child/ren feel caught in a stressful, confusing
between you co-parents, it may be hard for them to say honestly
what that feels like. It's even harder to say honestly what they
need.
Your respectful, patient, empathic listening can help them feel safe, over
time, to do that.
Your
options here include resisting the instinct to fix your child, and just
listen and affirm what you hear - without burdening
yourself with toxic guilt and shame, and/or anger at your ex spouse.
The comfort you can provide your child by hearing them and affirming
their feelings - without explaining, analyzing, defending (if you feel
guilty), reassuring, or bad-mouthing your ex (or someone) - can
be enormous! Has anyone ever done that with/for you?
- Teach your child/ren
(a) their basic rights as
a worthy person, and (b) how to
their rights, opinions, and needs effectively
with their other parent (and everyone else). Modeling and teaching your
child/ren these seven communication
is a priceless
bequest. Do
your kids know them now? Do they see you using them with them
and their other parent? Can your child/ren use the skills effectively
with their other parent?
Your
child/ren will need to some core beliefs to empower them to assert
their feelings and needs. See if you think each of your kids believes...
-
I have personal Rights,
just like my Mom and Dad do;
-
It's OK to
disagree respectfully
with my parent, and to say so - without guilt, shame, or anxiety;
-
It's OK and good to tell a
parent what I feel - including anger; fear or worry,
confusion, shame, and guilt; without being guilty, ashamed, or afraid;
-
It's OK and good
to tell a parent what I need. Doing this doesn't mean my Mom or Dad
must give me what I need; and...
-
Parents
have feelings and needs just like kids, and they're just as important
(not more important) as kids' needs and feelings. The best
thing is to try and find a way together that I and my parent both get most or all of what
we
need now, in a respectful
way. That takes talking, listening, risking, and patience.
How
might your assertion-guidance sound?
You: "I'm wondering if you ever
feel stuck between your Mom(Dad) and me - like if s/he ever says bad
things about me around you." (Probing for information)
Child: (variety of responses,
including "I don't know...")
You: "Well, if you ever feel
of us, I'd like you to know some ways you can handle that. It feels bad to
be caught in between two people you want to like you." (respectful
affirmation, and saying what you need);
Child: (some response, including silence
and avoiding eye contact);
You: "If either your Dad(Mom) or I
say something bad about the other one - either in front of you, or on the
phone, or in another room - and it makes you feel bad - here's something you
can do. First: learn how you feel." (This part varies by the age of your
child, and what they know).
"Next, pretend you're a reporter with a video camera. Reporters just get
the story, they don't blame anybody." (Is that what your child believes?) "Think about what your Dad(Mom) or I just did that made you feel bad, that you can record with your camera and microphone." (Fill in some
examples)
"The last part is for you to ask me or Mom(Dad) to be quiet and listen to
you. Then report to us: 'When you (say what you recorded), I feel ________.' Then if
you want to, you can add '...and I need __________.' "
Some
"I needs" are "I need you to...
not call Dad(Mom)
names;"
not ask me to agree with you about Mom(Dad);"
talk to Dad(Mom) directly, if you have a problem with them;"
ask me how I feel, and what I need - and
listen to me;" and I need you to...
stop fighting all the time, because it makes me feel bad."
How
do you think each of your kids would react to your version of this coaching?
How
well this assertion training works depends on how well (a) you and your ex listen
to your child, and (b) who's needs you fill first. If you and/or your
ex feel anything other than a genuine "your needs and mine are of equal
value to me now" attitude, your child will learn that respectful
assertion doesn't work (get their needs met).
Another option you have for teaching effective relationship skills to each
child is to show them this
diagram, and explain each of the three roles in language they can understand.
Then explain what's better than being in any of the three - mutually
respectful (=/=)
Ask them to go
on a "triangle treasure hunt" to help you spot and end any triangles
in your home or in your family.
Lastly, if you elect to do any of these options, inform your ex mate what
you're doing, and why - respectfully.
One option is to print this article and give them a copy for information and discussion.
Recap
This
article focuses on reducing or responding to excessive
jealousy between you and your ex mate. Chronic jealousy can
greatly inhibit grieving your divorce losses, and stress you both and your
minor and grown children.
Excessive jealousy is usually a sign of serious
false-self dominance.
Use the ideas and steps in
to see if
that's true with you and/or your ex mate. If it is, personal
- including some form of
- can promote your
harmonizing and leading your
other subselves, over time.
Because all behavior is interactive, your reaction to your mate's
jealousy may be part of the problem. Two powerful options you have are to
your usual communication sequence with them, and look for instances of either
of you having a
attitude.
If you
do, a powerful choice is to change your attitude about your ex from
"You're 1-down" to "You're
not
bad." Doing this does not mean you have to accept hurtful behavior
from him or her. If you "can't" genuinely make this
(core attitude) shift - you're probably used to being controlled by a false self.
Your
kids are probably affected by your or your ex's excessive jealousy, and any other
to co-parenting harmony. Modeling and
teaching your child/ren effective assertion, listening, and
problem-solving skills
can empower
you and them to avoid getting caught in lose-lose-lose relationship
triangles.
+ + +
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Updated
July 30, 2008
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