The Web
address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/legal.htm
Continued...
Options
Based on the above, you can choose to promote
long-term co-parental teamwork by...
-
intentionally healing from
past legal fights,
-
working to end
current legal fights, and...
-
avoiding
new ones.
Your odds for achieving these goals rise if
(a) your Self is
of your
personality, (b) you accept your stepfamily
(c) keep a steady,
long-range
view, and
(d) you’re
applying the ideas in
toward building the best co-parenting
team your circumstances allow. If these factors aren’t true for you yet, I suggest
you work on them first.
Let's look at each of these three options...
1) Heal From Past Legal Fights
If your legal
process was
significantly antagonistic, or you’ve had rancorous legal fights since then,
you parents probably have some major resentments,
and regrets to
release. Do you? These are probably part of a larger set of
from your years together.
A key first step here is affirming the
specific long-term benefits to you and your kids of healing
your half of these stressors. Doing so can nourish your self-respect and serenity. It
can also help improve co-parenting teamwork, end current court fights, and
avoid new ones.
Another key is whether you see this as my
healing project or ours. Can you see you two ex mates as dignified,
parenting partners who both love your kids and want to
nurture them? Do you want to value your ex spouse’s needs, feelings,
and dignity as
to your own, despite major disputes?
If you don’t yet,
shift your efforts to this if your
is guiding you. Otherwise, work at
What specific stressors do you want to
release? What blocks you from doing so? Your answers probably depend on
whether you initiated past legal combat, or your ex did. Whichever is true,
if you approach this as our healing project, your targets probably
include some or all of these:
1) A mutual-blame mindset: “The legal
trauma was your fault! “No, it was yours!” I suspect you both
caused the suit/s because of unseen false-self wounds +
unawarenesses +
Rancid blame may extend to relatives or friends who
sided “against me.” Usually toxic
block admitting your half
of this. If so, see Project 1, and these
articles on relating to wounded people and
forgiveness for perspective and
options.
2) Disrespect: your legal combat probably increased the reasons you scorn or pity each
other as persons, mates, and/or parents. Within the larger goal of
regaining respect and compassion for each other, see if there are specific
legally-related actions each of you took that your
delight in
reviewing. Focus on them one at a time, and see if the linked articles above offer useful
ways to let go of scorning or pitying yourself and/or your ex.
3) Resentment and anger: Do you
periodically replay your favorite court-related outrages and nourish old
resentments? If so, how does that help build the teamwork your kids need
from you both? If you “can’t help it,” a false self surely rules your
personality. Work on Project 1.
4) Distrust: my compassionate hunch is
that both you parents increased various distrusts of yourselves and each
other because of past legal combat. If so, it may help to identify
specifically what you distrust/ed, and then clarify specifically what you
need to rebuild now to help nurture your kids.
5) Reality distortions: it’s common for
wounded co-parents whose hostility or guilt goes public (as in a courtroom)
to mis-assume, misinterpret, and misjudge the attitudes,
motives and behaviors of their opponent/s – specially if there’s little real
going on.
If you parents can reduce the barriers above
enough, you’ll reach a point where you can review what you each thought was
happening, and correct major
The goal is not to vindicate or
justify, it is to remove sources of ongoing resentment, hurt, disrespect, and
anger.
6) Blocked grief: legal battles between
parents always cause or amplify important
for all involved
family members. Option: meditate on
what you each lost because of each
legal dispute, and use
resources to assess how you each are progressing at
mourning your losses.
Do the same for each of your children, and perhaps key
relatives.
is a sign of false-self dominance
and a
("anti-grief") environment.
It often promotes “endless” resentment, anger,
and avoidances.
The decrees
and orders of past legal
fights may add to these losses – e.g. unwanted and
“unfair” visitation, custody, and financial constraints. If so,
for reducing such stressors, and what prevents you from doing
your half, for your kids’ sakes?
Besides
healing
from past legal contests, you partners share the
option to…
Learn From the Past
You can (a) try to "forget" your court fights,
(b)
endlessly obsess about them, or (c) learn
from them. To do so, your Self (capital "S") must be solidly in charge of
your
Learn what?
Reflect honestly on core questions like these...
Q1: “Specifically how did my ex
and I each cause lawyers to get involved?"
below generalities
like "We just couldn't agree" (ask "Why not?") to specifics
like "Because s/he and I don't trust or respect each other, and neither
of us can listen to the other without getting angry (losing our true Self)."
Recall: this is about learning, not blame!
Q2: "Was my Self initiating or
responding to the legal action? How do I
To answer this
accurately, you'll
need to have progressed well on
You'll also be able to answer
"Was my ex mate being controlled by a false self in initiating or
responding to our legal conflict?"
Q3: "How did the process of the
court conflict affect each of our minor and grown kids, specifically?"
Option: list benefits and stressors.
Q4:
"What did each of our kids learn about interpersonal conflict-resolution from their
perception of our legal fights? Is this what I want them to learn?"
Q5: "All things considered,
was the
time, effort, and money we both put into our legal fights a net plus in my
and our kids' lives? Would I do it again?"
Q6:
"How would my ex answer these?"
Meditation, journaling, and/or
exploring questions like these with an objective counselor or
can
raise your awareness of what your legal conflicts and their outcomes
mean to you all. That can help motivate you to prevent new
legal fights and the long-term stresses and wounds they cause all of you.
Pause and reflect on your reaction to what
you just read. If your
is some form of “Yes, but…”, or “I
can’t (or won’t)…”, I doubt that your true Self is making your
decisions…
2) End Current Legal Battles
Pause, breathe well, and reflect: do you feel
some mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up,
grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene, purposeful, compassionate, and
clear now? If so, read on – your
is probably leading your
If you don’t feel these, or “anything,” I respectfully suggest you shift to
working on
What follows will only
bring practical benefits if your Self
is making your decisions!
| If your or
a child’s
is
in clear, immediate danger (a subjective judgment), and the custodial parent
won’t respect your
or can’t responsibly
fill the child's needs, then legal
force may be the best short-term choice. Otherwise, I
suspect… |
-
the surface reasons for your court battle
are not the primary reasons (page 1),
-
one or both of you parents is ruled by a
false self, and…
- you’re both too distracted and upset to
weigh the major long-term personal and family costs of legal combat
against gaining short-term relief.
Aggressive legal contests and decrees imposed
by strangers always increase co-parental distrust, disrespect, guilt,
hostility, and family disharmony. Legal suits corrode empathy and
compassion, lower the odds for future cooperation, and often increase
the toxic blame > counter-blame cycle you’re trying to avoid or end.
The
psychological and financial impacts will
detract significantly for many years from the co-parenting
your
minor kids desperately need. Legal fights
- or the threat of them - will probably add major stress to
any new primary relationships. The cumulative effect of
your warfare will probably lower the
of your family. A crude
analogy is trying to fix a flat tire by puncturing another tire.
When you’re approaching your death, will your
Future Self
look back and say “Our legal fight was the right thing to do.”? Will
your grown kids and their kids agree with that?
Even if you agree with these ideas, I assume
you see no better short-term choices, or you feel you’re powerless to
dissuade your ex from her or his legal campaign. See if any of the options
below offer viable ways to stop your courtroom warfare, and/or to…
3) Avoid New Legal Fights
