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The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/lust.htm
This is
one of a series of Web articles proposing practical solutions to common relationship problems in divorcing families and stepfamilies.
This
sub-series focuses on reducing
to co-parental teamwork. The
introduction gives
background on this site and the author. Ideas here aim to augment, not
replace, other appropriate professional
This article assumes you're familiar with the
ideas in these:.
-
the basic
premises
underlying this site,
-
the fundamental ingredients of a
healthy relationship and a
high-nurturance family,
-
these stepfamily
basics and
-
the
many divorced-family and stepfamily relationships are stressful,
-
the
causes of most stepfamily
and
relationship problems,
-
co-parents can
grow a high-nurturance
stepfamily over time,
-
perspective on
key factors that shape relationships between divorced
parents, and ...
-
frameworks for
analyzing and
resolving typical role
and relationship problems.
Related articles explore options around
sexual tensions between mates, between
stepsibs,
and stepparents and stepkids.
What's the (Surface) Problem?
The sexual desire you once felt for your ex mate may not stop when you separate. Strong emotions that come up during separation,
and afterward - like anger explosions - can trigger gusts of sexual
desire. One of you may act seductive
towards your ex for several reasons.
These can cause a surface relationship
"problem" when someone feels that your or your ex spouse's sexual
fantasies or behaviors interfere significantly with ...
your (or their) wholistic
health, because of excessive
over your (their) "bad"
or obsessive sexual fantasies or behaviors; and/or...
your personal
security and life balance, if either of you stalks or
harasses the other for sexual (vs. revenge or codependence) reasons;
and/or...
co-parenting your child/ren
effectively after separation; and/or lust is significant if it...
blocks
some adult or child from fully
the major
caused by your separation and divorce, over time;
or if it causes one of you to...
use a child
as a sexual spy, confidant, or messenger
and/or
the ex-mate lust...
stresses a new partnership by causing
suspicion (i.e.
and/or resentment and
jealousy.
These problems are real. They're not
about sexual fantasies or impulses themselves,
they're about how they affect your
behaviors,
priorities,
kids, and/or key relationships.
I assume you're reading this because one or more of these situations applies
to you, or you want to support someone struggling with "an ex-mate lust
problem." What do you need - clarification? Information? Problem-solving
options? See if you can say why you're reading this article out loud
now...
As with most family role and relationship problems,
sexual tension
between ex mates (or co-parents) indicate underlying
primary problems.
Trying to reduce the surface problems (symptoms) may cause first-order
(temporary)
but won't fill
your
What can
fill them is identifying, owning, and
resolving ...
The Primary Problems
Looking below typical surface "sexual problems"
between divorced partners usually reveals some mix of these...
1)
One
or both of you deny sexual feelings for your ex mate, or
you deny that such feelings and related behaviors are causing significant
stress in or between your kids' related homes. Similar
are
minimizing ("Well, yeah - but no big
deal..."), intellectualizing ["Let's (unemotionally)
analyze why this
sexual problem exists..."], and
projecting ("It's
your fault: you keep coming on to me"). Like stalking and harassing,
any of these suggest significant false-self
in one or both of
you. Loss of your
perspective, wisdom, and
-leadership is the
primary problem. And/or...
2) You
receive sexual signals (language, touching, invitations,...)
from your former mate, and/or you send them such signals -
and feel confused about
your own feelings ("I'm
kinda turned on - and I feel guilty and uncomfortable, too.") Chronic ambivalence
always signals
that a
controls
your perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and behavior. That often causes the
ambivalent person (you) to give confusing
to
their ex - like saying with a grin or a playful voice-tone "Stop coming on to me!"
Internal (personal) confusion breeds confusion between ex mates (and
others).
3) Another possible primary problem is
one or both of you don't know how
to...
-
define your
(limits) with
the other,
-
your boundaries effectively, and/or how to ...
-
act
with
integrity
if your boundaries are violated.
These indicate a
+
unawareness of false-self
and effective
communication
And
perhaps...
4) One or both of you - and/or a new partner -
believe
that "(extra- marital) sexual thoughts, feelings, and fantasies are
sinful or
bad." Unexamined black/white beliefs like this can
evoke significant
and
If ignored,
these will degrade your wholistic health and your family relations.
5) One
or both of you is
the many big
losses (broken
bonds) from your separation, divorce, and family reorganizing into two or more
homes. If so, the primary problems are usually false-self wounds + ignorance
of grieving basics +
lack of internal and/or family
to grieve well. Patient work
on
can reduce these,
over time.
A
last possible root of your "ex-mate sexual problem" may be...
6) One or both of you ex mates has a sexual
If
so, excessive sexual fantasies or obsessions about an ex mate is probably part of a
larger pattern of compulsively over-sexualizing relationships and
social experiences and denying that to yourself and others. This
may be amplified by a relationship
addiction
My clinical experience is that any harmful
compulsion
indicates
significant early-childhood trauma and false-self wounds. One
symptom of a true addiction is fierce
of the compulsive dependency and it's obvious personal and social impacts.
Diagnosing and managing sexual and relationship addiction is beyond the scope of this
article and series. Libraries, and Internet and physical
book sellers and
sites, and local mental-health centers can
help you learn more about
assessing and managing addictions. Several
12-step programs provide materials and
support groups: Sexaholics
Anonymous (SA), Sex and
Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), and groups for
addict's partners. These differ in some priorities and beliefs like major
religions do.
Let's regroup: have you seen any surface problems here
that fit your (or someone's) situation? Do you have a
"significant sexual problem" with your ex mate? If so, let's
explore your...
Options
You've already taken the first option, which is to acknowledge the
possibility (or certainty) that you or an important other has "a
(sexual) problem." Other choices include...
-
learn more now, and
develop more options;
-
defer any action to "later;" or...
-
accept things the way they are now, with or without significant discomfort.
If you choose the first of these,
you may...
Ignore the primary problems, and attempt to resolve your
surface problems.
If you do this, I suspect that months or years from now, you'll admit that your
"problem" is the same or worse, or that it has manifested in another part
of your life. Pursuing surface solutions
teaches you long term what won't work, and what the core
issues are.
People like you make permanent belief and priority
when they finally
exceed their limits for
weariness,
and despair
and have proved that superficial changes don't fill their needs for long.
Or you may...
Research the primary problems above
to see if they apply to your situation. Options:
for false-self
in you and
your ex by working at
If your
Self
(capital "S") is disabled, evolve and work
patiently at a personal
plan.
Freeing your Self
to harmonize and guide your
will significantly reduce
your...
-
paralyzing ambivalences about your sexual (and other)
situations,
-
denials, minimizings,
procrastinating, and intellectualizing (defenses);
-
confusion about your
(limits) and anxiety about
enforcing them; and...
-
sending
to your ex, and harvesting doubt,
frustration, and distrust.
What would your life be like
if you could significantly reduce these? Note that over-sexualizing
relationships and situations (or repressing normal sexual thoughts and
impulses) may indicate some significant childhood sexual trauma and/or
sexually-wounded caregivers.
If you feel your ex mate is wounded, then study and act on
this.
To learn if
you're unclear on your sexual (and other) boundaries
with your ex mate: (a) describe what specific behaviors of
theirs "upset" you, (b) what specific behavioral changes
you need them to make, and (c) specifically what actions you'll
take if they choose not to change after you've
or demanded that
they do so. Specific here means some
behavior you could capture with a audio or video recorder. You can't
record "being a jerk" (a judgment). You can record
"using sexually-offensive language with me," or "touching
my body in a way I don't want you to." Use this
article as a resource.
To clarify whether you
can improve your communication
with your ex
- like asserting your needs and boundaries - read and apply
this
article. To expand communication options with your ex about sexual or other
relationship issues, try
your
usual communication sequence with them on specific topics (including
"we don't talk about it"). Does your sequence qualify as effective
communication? If not, use these
blocks and
tips to make it more effective.
Option: get quiet and try mapping your subselves' usual
dialog sequence (thoughts, feelings, and images) when they're focusing on your "sexual problem" with
your ex mate. Are your subselves
communicating effectively? Your Self can improve your
internal communication
once s/he's trusted to lead your other
subselves, and they all know these
basics.
To
assess whether blocked grief in you or your ex is contributing
to your "sexual problem," (a) get undistracted, (b) put your Self
(c) take this
quiz, and
review (d)
this and
(e)
Depending
on what you conclude, use these
Project-5 resources to help free up your
mourning, and/or to inform your ex about this important topic. Option:
discuss whether each of you wants to help your child/ren learn how to
grieve well, and
to form
families for your grandkids.
To see
whether your key attitudes about your ex and/or about sexuality are
skewing your perceptions, decisions, or behaviors,
-
meditate on
this,
-
compare this
sample Bill of Personal
Rights with your beliefs, and...
-
consider your reaction to these
statements. T = true, F = false, D = "it depends" (on what?),
and "?" = "I'm not sure now":
Sexual thoughts or fantasies about people other than your
primary partner are always wrong and bad. (T F
D ?)
Sexual thoughts or actions other than for procreation are
always wrong and bad. (T F D ?)
Sexual thoughts, fantasies, and impulses are normal and OK, as
long as I don't act on them with someone other than my primary
adult partner. (T F D ?)
Divorced parents who have strong sexual feelings for their ex
mate are sick, weak, wrong, and/or bad. (T
F D ?)
Healthy, mature men and women
should be able to control their sexual thoughts, fantasies, feelings, and
actions. (T F D ?)
I feel comfortable enough talking factually about my sexual
situation with my ex mate to my close friends, and to any counselors I'm
working with. (T F D ?)
I and/or my ex believe solidly in _ Hell, _
Christian sin, and that _ thoughts or actions of lust and fornication
other than to further God's plan are clearly sinful and shameful. (T
F D ?)
My true Self
to these
questions (T F D ?)
Your ruling subselves' beliefs about sensuality and sexual morality may be
distracting you with excessive
guilt,
shame, and/or anxiety. If so, this suggests the need for personal recovery
from false-self dominance, and the need to re-evaluate beliefs like those
above to see if they're yours or someone else's (like your parents, a
religious book or teacher, or a partner). If you're using someone else's
beliefs out of habit or duty, replace them with your beliefs,
and see if that brings you more calmness, clarity, and satisfaction.
Recall -