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of
- evolve a
high-nurturance co-parenting team |
Resolve "Money" Disputes
Between Ex Mates
"Child-support"
Conflicts are Not About Money!
by Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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|
 The Web ad dress of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/money.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
The
suggestions below will make more sense after you read ...
-
the basic premises
underlying this site,
-
the fundamental ingredients of a
healthy relationship and a
high-nurturance
family,
-
these stepfamily
basics and
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves (like yours),
-
this overview of the silent
[wounds + ignorance] cycle
that may be stressing all of you,
-
the
most divorcing family and stepfamily relationships are extra stressful,
-
the common
causes of most stepfamily
and relationship
problems,
-
co-parents can
evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily,
-
perspective on key factors
that shape relationships between divorced
parents, and...
-
this
of Project 10: co-parent
team-building.
This article explores common money-related conflicts between ex mates,
seven possible root causes, and options for resolving them. Note these related
articles about
money conflicts with spouses and
relatives.
Perspective
From
consulting clinically with hundreds of divorced co-parents since 1981, I
conclude that there are three kinds of
common divorce-related "money problems":
-
conflict over
asset and debt ownership in making a legal
property settlement.
-
arguments over financial child support,
- living adequately on a significantly-lower income
after divorce, which often requires evolving and living by a realistic
budget.
Typical ex mates feel conflicted over these
and
interpersonally - a little to a lot, and temporarily or chronically. Disputes over
property settlements usually fade away, as time and
progress and
exes adjust their lives. Battles over child support, often aggravated by other
family conflicts, can continue into the kids' early-adult years or
beyond.
| One
implication is that one or both stepfamily mates may have significant clashes with
former partners (and each other) over "money." This adds to
and stresses kids, new partners, and concerned relatives. |
In
the worst situation, couples get embroiled in
"never ending" court battles
with ex mates over the amounts, promptness, and uses of
money designated for child-support. If severe and chronic enough, these emotionally and financially draining fights contribute
to eventual re/divorce. The kids are caught in the middle.
This article focuses on options for reducing significant
current disputes over "money" among divorced and
stepfamily co-parents
Like
all other co-parent stressors, "money
problems" have surface symptoms and underlying primary
problems. Ex mates who are unaware of their
and
they communicate, focus repeatedly on the surface issues.
This usually prolongs the conflicts, and creates new ones.
A better option is
learning to
to the unmet needs below
the surface.
Typical Surface Problems
Whatever the details, most divorce-related financial disputes have these
elements. See if you see yourselves here ...
1)
Divorcing adults disagree (blame,
defend-explain, and counter-blame) on a mix of symptoms like
these:
The amount of money
owed by one adult to the other, legally and/or morally, as a
responsible person and co-parent. This can include unresolved disagreements
about pre-divorce debts (like credit card obligations), or debts
that one partner brought into the union.
The promptness and
reliability of payments due: "Jack is always late with
his check."
What the paying parent should do to earn enough
to meet child support obligations ("If you were any kind of real
father, you'd get a second job!")
How the receiving parent spends the support money:
"My daughter wears tattered clothes to school while her mother buys
Gucci boots and hot tubs for herself ..."
The receiving parent
manipulating or forcing
the other co-parent to pay, e.g. by withholding
child
visitations,
garnishing wages, legal suits, public slander and humiliation, and/or
by using a child or relative to plead or demand.
And ex mates can fight about...
Which parent is responsible for
which child expenses, and to what extent. This can
generate complex fights over who's insurance or bank account should pay
for dental, medical, and optical care; and/or....
What school
and/or activities a child should enroll in, and who will pay related
expenses; and/or...
How one co-parent manages (spends, accounts for,
saves) their money,
justified by their kids' welfare ("You're selfishly jeopardizing
Anita's future by taking frivolous Las Vegas trips instead of building her
college fund"); and/or...
Family adults' decisions about wills and estate plans:
who's leaving who
how much to whom? Stress can build if one ex mate won't
make or update a will - specially if they're "wealthy;" and/or...
If, how, and when each child is taught
to earn and manage their own money, and by whom ("By giving our
sons $40 a week with no strings, you're teaching them to expect money to
fall out of the sky. That's going to hurt them later!")
And a common "money" stressor is ...
The
one parent communicates with the other (or
doesn't) about financial conflicts ("If I bring up anything to do with
money, Janice hangs up.")
In worst cases, separated or divorced ex mates will have many or most
of these surface
conflicts going on at once, and others!
Another common source of frustration is...
2)
One
or both ex mates
try to resolve disputes like these, and their attempts fail. This increases both
parents' feelings of blame, guilt, hurt, resentment, distrust, frustration,
pessimism, cynicism, weariness, and hopelessness. Their "upsets"
tend to amplify or create other health or relationship problems like
"snapping at the kids," "depression," addiction/s, and sleep or digestive problems;
Another common element to the surface money clashes between divorced ex
mates is ...
3)
How
kids react to their parents' battles. They can numb and withdraw; get scared and
overwhelmed ("act out" at home or school); try to distract their
parents from fighting; and/or feel responsible for
comforting or defending one parent, and feeling guilty about "taking sides." Each child's reactions are shaped by how well they're
filling their mix of several
dozen concurrent developmental and
family-adjustment needs, including
major
Kids' reactions like these add to co-parents' stress, and can
become new sources of blame: "Alex, if you weren't so irresponsible
about the money you owe, Jenny wouldn't have these stomach aches!" This
blaming gets amplified if the child's reactions costs
money (e.g. for counseling or exams and medicines). Battles also escalate if co-parents don't know how to manage
and
conflicts, and related
relationship
Another
stress factor is
...
4)
Relatives and friends take sides,
try to mediate, or distance. This can contribute to one or both ex
mates feeling
"ganged up on" and/or rejected. Another support-shift occurs
if one co-parent hires a lawyer, who aggressively increases antagonisms by
imposing outsiders' ideas about "what's (financially)
fair and reasonable."
5)
"Money conflicts" get worse or
better (or cycle) with time, as judged by each affected child and adult. Asset
and debt conflicts don't stand alone. They're part of an ever-changing
family-environment kaleidoscope,
which makes it hard for ex mates to focus on any one or two need-conflicts
until they're permanently resolved or
A final common surface
"money" conflict is...
6)
One
or both ex mates bond with a new partner. Dating,
re/marriage, and cohabiting always upsets role and relationship balances
in
multi-generational bio-families.
New partners have their own financial values, assets, and debts, and are
usually unclear on their financial responsibilities to their new partner and
any stepkids.
New
stepparents become opinionated about the ex-mate's financial decisions and
actions - and their partner's reactions to them. If an ex mate pairs up
after separation
and/or after the other one begins to date seriously, personal and relationship
stresses can soar for many reasons.
Can
you think of other factors that cause typical post-divorce and stepfamily
stress over ex-mates' decisions and behaviors around "money"?
| Premise:
none of these are the
primary problems. As long
as co-parents, friends, relatives, counselors, and attorneys focus on surface issues like these, the
"money" (and other) conflicts will probably multiply and escalate, over
time. |
If
that's true, then what should divorced-family and stepfamily co-parents
and their supporters work to change?
Identify and Resolve the
Primary Problems
A
mix of basic problems (unmet needs) cause most
conflicts between divorced and re-committed co-parents and kids. See which of
these fit your situation:
1)
Psychological wounds. One or more
of your co-parents has
too little childhood
and is unaware of, or
the
resulting psychological
and what they
to you all. One
common meaning is that you don't respect
yourself and/or your ex mate. Others are you can't communicate, relate, or
parent effectively.
A
third common impact of unseen wounds is adults' inability to balance
long-range goal-setting,
planning, and problem-solving with wrangling over current conflicts.
Reality check: would you say each of you ex mates is clear and
focused on your long-term
personal
and
missions? Typical
protective, disorganized
"run off in
all directions" trying to fill immediate needs ("You must pay for
Millie's clarinet lessons!") vs. doing that and working patiently
toward essential long-term goals like wound-recovery and improving adult
communication and teamwork. Is this true in your family now?
|
Solution: Patient,
self-motivated work on some version of co-parent
(personal
can
significantly reduce false-self wounds and their impacts over time. It can
also lower the odds of
your child/ren! |
Primary
problem 2) You and/or
your ex (and any partners) don't know or use
effective-communication
basics and
This
hinders lasting conflict-resolution on any co-parenting or
unfinished pre-divorce disputes. Solution: While you heal any
false-self wounds
(Project 1),
learning and using these basics and skills cooperatively
can help you to
reduce every one of these interactive co-parental
Another unseen primary cause of co-parent "money-fights" may be...
3)
One or more
of you co-parents (or kids) are
unable to
your many
tangible and
invisible
separation, divorce, and co-habiting
(broken bonds).
Grief can get slowed or
by
dominance + unawareness
+ living in a
family and society. When family adults can't model and encourage healthy
mourning, kids often become blocked grievers too.
|
Blocked
grief inhibits the self and mutual forgivenesses
that are essential for co-parents to raise minor kids (including stepkids) as teammates with a common goal, vs.
disrespectful, distrustful antagonists. |
A
common dynamic occurs when some
want to divorce
(end discomfort) and others don't. Before true recovery, this promotes
or continues a vexing, confusing
relationship:
After separation, one or both ex mates distance (draw new emotional
boundaries) and don't want to
grieve (accept) lost relationship benefits or fantasies (like dreams of
reunion).
Unresolved arguments over money and other topics can keep
you two unhappily connected, which may be feel less painful than "letting go" and re-experiencing
early-childhood
abandonment agony.
Solution:
patiently work at healing any wounds
as you improve your thinking and
communicating
As you do, help each other evolve pro-grief homes
and relationships, and identify and free any blocked grief - i.e. add
Not a week-end task! Notice your thoughts right now...
4)
Another probable root of your ex-mate "money" problems is that you co-parents
haven't evolved an effective strategy to master (or avoid)
or
conflicts and
associated relationship
Significant family-member conflicts are symptoms of each of
these.
Solution: Follow the links,
and take responsibility for your part
in these, and tailor the ideas you
read to fit you and your situation. Option: ask your ex (and mate) to do the same, and talk
together about these three common stepfamily stressors as caregiving teammates, without
blame! This is about learning and nurturing (filling needs), not
competing!
Primary
problem 5)
Another primary problem may be with interpersonal boundaries.
Post-divorce biofamilies and stepfamilies are often
polarized into "us" vs. "them" camps. Because
money is an emotionally-charged subject for most people, well-meaning friends, relatives, kids, and/or professionals
(clinicians, clergy, educators, and lawyers) can be very judgmental
about the surface
facets of your money (and other) disputes.
If
true for you, caring supporters may be distracting you from focusing on
what
what your
kids
need, and how to best fill all your immediate and long-term needs. If any
of you co-parents are ruled by a
false
self, relying on or appeasing others' strong opinions can be very
appealing.
Option: draw a simple map (diagram) of you ex
mates and your kids. Draw a dotted line around you, and put all others outside
that circle. Post that somewhere you can see it every day, as a reminder to
and enforce your own boundaries. Invite your ex mate to help. If s/he
won't or can't, you two have a separate
problem to work on.
Help
each other stay aware of the difference between advice you invite, and
suggestions others need to give you to fill their needs. Can
you adults each define clearly what a personal or household's boundary is? Do
you know what it takes to enforce a personal or
relationship boundary effectively?
6) You and/or
your ex may be unconsciously using
surface "money" disputes to avoid scarier conflicts like:
As long as
your co-parents covertly agree to focus on surface money (or other) issues, you may
avoid admitting tough problems like these. If two or more of you are doing this, it's
very likely that a
protective, short-sighted false self is trying desperately to guard you and/or
your ex (i.e. your
from pain and loss.
Staying stuck on surface issues like these points implacably to primary
problem 1 above. Listen to your thoughts now
...
Because these are difficult issues to assess objectively, consider hiring a
to help you assess
for disguised personal and relationship issues like these. A veteran clinician
experienced in (a) post-divorce and/or stepfamily counseling, (b) "Adult
Child"
and (c)
("parts-work")
could be ideal.
+ + +
To solidify your learning here, rescan the 10 common
surface
money issues typical ex mates struggle with.. Then rescan the
six underlying primary problems above. Does it make sense to you that many
divorced, harried co-parents don't know the difference, struggle fruitlessly
over mixes of surface problems, and rarely fill their primary needs?
To really
appreciate the composite challenge for co-parents in typical new stepfamilies,
study this outline of co-parents' ~ 30
common adjustment tasks. These are often concurrent with combinations of
surface "money" (and other) problems!
Are
you feeling overwhelmed? The
good news is that divorced or re/marrying co-parents deciding
together to work on long-term stability and happiness for their kids
can reduce this maze to just
(before
re/marrying), or
after re/wedding.
Patience, commitment, teamwork, faith,
and love can master them all.
Options
Reflect on your choices now. You read this article to fill some needs.
Are you clear on what you really need in your complex relationship
situation with your ex mate (or whomever)?
Note your choices now:
Do nothing with what
you read here, for now.
Follow some of the links above, over time, and increase your awareness; but take no
action yet.
Meditate and/or
journal about what you read here. Free- associate without judgment,
and use a tape recorder or paper to capture your subselves'
objectively, like a
scientist or reporter would.
Mention some ideas
from this and/or linked articles to some key people in
your life for general purposes.
Give copies of this (or
related) articles to your ex and/or selected others like a counselor or
receptive parent or friend.
Do that and discuss
these six core problems with them. Then assess you and your
ex for possible "fits."
Try one or more of
by yourself.
Ask your ex mate to join
you in doing one or more of these projects as a co-parenting partner ,
for your kids' sakes.
Postpone any of these
choices until you're less distracted (by what?), and re-evaluate your
options "sometime."
Do what you've always done,
in hopes for a better outcome.
Vividly imagine a future
life for your kids in which you and your ex significantly raised the level of
co-parenting co-operation between you. Variation: get quiet and have a
discussion with your wise Future Self
about which of these options is the best choice at this time.
Imagine asking your kids as
grown adults what they wish you and their other parent had done for
them at this time in your lives.
(add your own options) ...
Recap
Arguing over money-related issues is common among divorcing
and re/married U.S. co-parents. Because financial assets represents status, control,
freedom, power, and security, such arguing can be fierce and long-lasting. So
are its effects on family relationships, securities, and the family's
This article
begins with a brief
perspective on financial conflicts between ex mates, and outlines 10 common surface
problems they
fight about. The article then summarizes six primary
problems that cause most "ex-mate money problems," and proposes specific
solutions to resolve them.
The article ends by highlighting key options you have after reading
this.
Options: break complex stepfamily problems into smaller ones,
|