 |
|
of
- evolve a
high-nurturance co-parenting team |
|
If an Uninvolved Ex Mate
Becomes an Active Co-parent
Options for Managing the Changes -
p. 2 of 2
by Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/reappear2.htm
Continued from p. 1...
Options for Resolving Specific
"Reappearance" Problems
The bioparent's return is likely to cause personal
(internal),
re/marital, and co-parenting problems. Lets look at options for
managing each of these. Notice that we're taking a complex situation (a
bioparent seeking re-inclusion) and breaking it into manageable chunks. Is that what your
adults usually do in and between your homes?
1)
Likely
Personal Problems
When an inactive bioparent reappears with little or no warning, standard
reactions most affected adults and kids will have are...
Confusion - the mental
part of grieving any loss is to transform uncertainty and
puzzlement into conscious, stable understanding. Depending on the way the
Mom or Dad reappears among you (hesitantly, apologetically, belligerently,...),
each of you will have lots of questions
to resolve. How you all handle this depends
on what your personal and family communication
are: assertively ask
for answers, or to wonder, mull, analyze, and assume in private.
The latter choice risks major misunderstandings.
Option: grow clarity here by having a "question
treasure hunt." You co-parents poll everyone affected by the
parent's reappearance, and seek, validate, and collect everyone's specific
questions. This can be specially helpful for each child! Family dinners
are often good times to do this.
Along with the normal
grief emotions of shock, anger, and sadness, another common personal
"reappearance" reaction you kids and grownups may experience is
significant...
Anxiety. To varying
degrees, you all will feel uncertain what will happen to the status
quo that existed before the missing parent resurfaced, until your
household and family
(system) rebalances. Anxiety is a
low-grade form of
There are lots of reasons to be
anxious ("worry"). Does s/he mean us harm, or health?
How will this (reappearance) affect our finances? Our child-visitations?
Our daily lives? Why did s/he come back? Why now? What
does s/he want? How do the kids feel? What old conflicts may
return? How will our relatives react? Will s/he vanish again? if
re/married, what are these new (step-relatives) like?
As you know, there's a link
between the confusion (lack of information and clarity) above,
and your anxiety. The degree that each of you feels anxious will depend
largely on who's running your respective
- a
or a wise, far-seeing
To enable the latter, see
co-parent
Another common personal need each member of your nuclear stepfamily homes
will have is to...
Vent - Most kids and
adult who feel safe from criticism or indifference in their homes
and family will express their feelings and opinions about the
bioparent returning, without invitation. If any of
your stepfamily members feel unsafe to express their
emotions and needs, they may wait for you to ask them - like "So
Jeannie, how are you feeling about Bill moving back to town?"
If
they answer overtly or not, your choices include receiving their
feelings with respect or judging them - "Why in the world
would you feel that?" Note that some family members
won't know how they feel for a while, or at all.
Emotional numbness is a sign of false-self wounds, and an unsafe (low-nurturance)
environment.
Like inner and
social
to feel, permission to honestly vent (express) is an
essential ingredient for healthy grief - and all your adults
and kids have some losses to mourn, as your family system
readjusts to including the new adult over time.
Another normal reaction that your kids and co-parents may have is to...
-
Hope that the complex
change in your stepfamily roles, relationships, priorities, rituals,
finances, and realities will be "for the better." Another poll
you co-parents may take is "Do you expect our family to be better or
worse off because Maria and her new husband and baby are now among us?"
Expectations are what each
of your false or true selves project will happen. Hope is
what you want to happen. It's helpful to share both of these with
each other, including the returnees! Are you clear on what you and
your mates and each child expect and hope for here?
And you each will need to...
-
Reduce conflicts effectively. Your missing bioparent's return will cause some significant
and interpersonal conflicts (below). Each of your co-parents and kids will
probably have a set of inner conflicts ("Part of me feels
relieved Phyllis is back, part of me is angry and wants her to get lost,
and another part feels guilty that I feel that way!") Your
returnees have inner conflicts too! You co-parents can choose to acknowledge and validate (vs.
deny or minimize) inner conflicts and help each other resolve them. Do you
grownups do that now? Do your kids know how to do that?
These are five personal problems your adults and kids will probably face
when your "lost" bioparent "re-activates." If not resolved, any of these can
promote stressful
false-self dominance. If that
happens, odds go up fast for ...
2)
Potential
Re/marital Problems
Here a "problem" is any reaction that you or your partner have to this
adult's return which significantly reduces your...
The most likely reason any of these would occur if one of your ex mates
"returns" is that their presence or perceived intentions cause one
or both of you partners to lose the guidance of
your true Self. If one or both of you have been
unconsciously dominated by a false self anyway, you're at higher odds of
having an interactive set of these re/marital problems.
Specific re/marriage-problem symptoms to spot and heal are...
- typically a stepparent grows resentful that their mate is
now giving too much priority, time, and attention to a child and/or
their ex mate, rather then to them; or...
sexual
unease
or jealousy - a stepparent feels their mate is attracted to, or
fantasizes about, sexual interaction or reunion with their former lover;
or...
about
money (child support);
child
custody,
visitation, or other
co-parenting issues; and associated...
These usually bloom with loyalty conflicts, and are likely if
one or more co-parents have the psychological symptom of
The three
polarized triangle roles distract partners from the
(mutual respect) attitudes
they need for effective problem solving.
When any of these symptoms appear, the underlying primary re/marital
problems are usually...
Your patiently investing time and effort in co-parent
and
can improve both of
these, over time - perhaps with informed
professional
The last set of issues you may encounter from a "lost" bioparent reappearing
is...
3)
Potential
Co/parenting
Problems
Each dependent child has a unique mix of
developmental and
family-adjustment needs.
A "co-parenting problem" is anything that interferes significantly with your
caregivers effectively assessing and helping your kids fill their set of
needs. Some dormant items in the
adjustment needs will probably activate when their "other parent"
shows a new interest in them.
By definition, most roles and relationships among everyone in your
will change because
the biodad or mom is now active.
Your
question is not will we have co-parenting problems, it's which ones
do we have, and how do we resolve them together?
Basic questions your kid/s
will need empathic help in resolving will probably include...
How
do I feel about having been (abandoned) by my parent, and now having them
re-enter my life? What if I feel several things (which is probable)?
What do I need from her/him now? What if I can't or don't get it?
What if I can?
How can I rebuild trust and respect for them now - if I
want to?
Does this give me reason to hope (or fear) that my bioparents will get back
together? (This is usually not subject to logical discussion!)
What
will their presence mean to the people I live with? Will it affect my
safety and security?
Will
Mom and Dad start fighting again? How will each of my siblings and
relatives react here?
What
kind of boundaries (behavioral limits and tolerances) do I need to set with
each other member in my home and stepfamily now?
Each child - including any who aren't related to this "new" adult, like
"ours" kids - will certainly have other questions to answer as they adjust
to all the inner and family-system changes that manifest. Some key resources
to help you co-parents navigate...
Re/read
this Memo from Your Child/ren,
and consider giving copies to the
"new" adults;
Together, update
your assessment of each minor child's
status including new half or stepsiblings with their daunting
sets of tasks, and invite the new
adults to see and discuss your conclusions;
Based on this,
update your co-parent
and
invite the new adult/s to evolve their own - hopefully based on a
meaningful stepfamily
You and
your kids redraw your stepfamily genogram
(map) and invite the "new people" to see it and draw their own
version. This will promote discovering and (hopefully) resolving any
major new stepfamily
and
conflicts that will burden your kids (and you). Involve key relatives, too!;
You adults review how to
"map" your family's
structure, and do so together to
see who's running your homes and (outer) families... Option: give the new adult/s
a copy of these five pages if they're not
familiar with this tool.
Stay alert
for
in each child, and activate your plan to
if you see any. If you have no
active family Good Grief
work at
together - and invite your
new members to join you. If they decline, at least keep them informed;
Finally...
Consider
inviting the new people (including relatives) to
play the non-competitive
Ungame
or
LifeStories
with you and the kids, as a safe, interesting way of beginning to reconnect.
This probably won't happen until you ex mates "clean up" any
between you, for your and your kids' sakes.
That
won't happen until you're each consistently
by your
respective
and
you
know how to use the seven
to problem-solve effectively together.
As you see, your kids will have lots of reactions to sort out (as will you
adults), and you co-parents have many concrete ways of nurturing and guiding
them safely as your stepfamily mobile resumes it's balance over time.
Recap
In a minority of U.S. absent-parent and step families, a bioparent
"vanishes" emotionally, physically, and financially after divorcing
their child/ren's other parent. Then for various reasons, s/he
reappears - temporarily or permanently, with or without a new partner and
perhaps new step/kids. S/He hints or demands to resume active parenting
of their original child/ren, causing many inter-related shifts in the
This Solutions article (a) proposes four
situational tasks that typical co-parents need to master when this happens, and
(b) suggests some basic strategies to help do so. Then article looks in more depth
at specific personal, re/marital, and co-parental problems
that you co-parents will probably face, as your web of stepfamily
relationships adapts to the biomom's or biodad's reappearance, over many months.
Reflect: did you get what you needed from this article? If so - what do you
want to do next? If not - what do you
now?
Resources: these articles
on managing complex
stepfamily changes, and pacing them
effectively.
+ + +
<<
Prior page Add to favorites
/ Print page
/ Email this article's address
>>
home
/ site overview
/
directory /
site map
/
Q&A /
/
solutions
/
site search
/
glossary
research /
free course /
guidebooks
/
NEW
forums /
resources / feedback
and/or subscribe / *
Updated
November 30, 2008
|