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of
- overcome barriers
to effective co-parenting |
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15 Options for Adapting to a
Psychologically-wounded Ex-mate
Choices if
S/He is Ruled by a False self
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
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 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/ex/wounded.htm
This
is one of a series of Web articles
that suggests practical solutions for common relationship problems in
families and
This
sub-series focuses on reducing
to co-parental teamwork. This
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site, and how to best
use it.
Ideas
here aim to augment, not replace, other informed professional
Links below will open an
informational popup or a new window, so close your browser's popup blocker.
This three-page article is written to (a) troubled, separated, and divorcing parents;
(b) any new partners of theirs (i.e. stepparents); and (c) human-service
professionals supporting these people and their families.
It's written to you if you feel
excessive frustration, anxiety, or exasperation ("stress") from the
behaviors of someone's ex mate. There are similar
Solutions articles about coping with "difficult" (wounded)
mates, kin,
and kids.
A basic premise in this nonprofit site is that most
adult relationship stresses result from (a) unseen psychological
from significant childhood
and (b) adult
of several key topics, including...
-
these wounds and their
common
-
what
the
wounds, and...
-
effective
communication and
problem-solving basics. Many divorcing partners are also unaware of...
-
how to grieve their losses (broken
bonds) effectively, and...
-
what it takes to "finish"
the multi-year, multi-level divorce process - specially when
mutual kids are involved.
A significant percentage of typical divorcing parents seem to have major difficulty
effectively co-parenting (nurturing) their kids and grandkids (and
themselves) because of barriers like
The most fundamental and barrier is significant psychological wounds in one
or both ex mates.
If you feel familiar with the concepts of low-childhood
Grown Wounded
Children
personality
and
false-self
scan the
following paragraphs or skip to these action-options.
If you know something about these
concepts but doubt or reject them, try this interesting
exercise and read this
letter to you
before continuing. If you're unfamiliar with the subself, GWC, and wounds
concepts, take your time studying these introductions to
personality subselves, the [wounds +
unawareness]
and
before reading further.
This article builds on these concepts to propose practical options to
relating well enough to a psychologically-wounded ex mate. If you're not sure whether your
"problem ex-mate" is "significantly wounded" or not, review this
comparison and these common
behavioral wound symptoms, and
return.
Perspective
As a professional stepfamily therapist since 1981, I've heard a
colorful array of passionate adjectives and adverbs describing ex mates. These
include the Claw, the Fang, the Bitch or Bastard,
the Wimp, the Wacko, the Stalker, the Prima Donna,
the Princess, the Slut, the Control Freak, the
and the
Often a frustrated
parent or their
new partner describes the parenting actions of an ex spouse as abusive, childish, thoughtless, insensitive, selfish, greedy, cruel, hare-brained, illegal, con-trolling, irresponsible, inept, stupid, dumb, and crazy.
When I've met these
"monsters," they usually feel misunderstood and misjudged, justified, ignored, betrayed, blamed, and
demeaned as persons, former mates, and as parents. With rare exceptions,
the ex mates I've met are
people who don't know it,
trying to do their best in a confusing, painful, conflictual family situation.
How can mutually critical and distrustful (wounded) ex mates and any new partners
(stepparents) evolve the caregiving
their minor kids urgently
need? This article proposes...
why many ex-mates' relationships remain
distrustful,
disrespectful, over-guilty,
and hostile, despite those attitudes
hurting their minor kids; and...
15 practical options that
ex mates can use to gradually improve and stabilize their
relationship, for their child(ren)'s sakes and their own. Doing this is co-parent
building a co-parenting
team. This three-page article concludes with...
an
example
of how some of the 15 options might be applied in a typical two-home
 Why
Can't Typical Ex Mates Heal?
If you haven't recently, review these premises about the subselves
that form normal human
False-self personality dominance feels normal. It ranges from occasional to
moderate, to extreme, depending on the degree of early nurturance-deprivation
and trauma. Significant dominance causes
two to six
psychological
These
wounds cause common behaviors in kids and adults.
Once these wounds are
understood and
any person can intentionally
reduce
them (heal) over time. One way to do this is called
Our personality subselves behave like an athletic team or an orchestra. Our
inner families of subselves
range from chaotic to harmonious, in general and in conflicts and crises. How
harmonious has your inner family felt recently?
As a
man and a professional relationship therapist, I've studied and experienced divorce
and stepfamily life since 1974. I've also studied recovery from
childhood neglect since 1986 and inner family therapy since 1988. I now believe
significant false-self wounding is
one of three reasons why over half of U.S.
couples
psychologically or legally.
Implications
|
If these premises are true in your life, there are probably some
unpleasant implications.
Until you accept
these realities and act on them, they will govern your days and nights and probably harm your dependent kids. |
Significant false-self dominance
means...
People ruled by false selves seem to choose each other
repeatedly until they choose
to free their true Self to guide their
personalities. Psychological
or legal divorce is a strong clue that both ex mates are
significantly controlled by false selves (wounded) and unaware of this.
Wounded co-parents often have trouble really resolving their
because...
-
They're
often distracted by
(between
their subselves) causing confusing
which they deny and/or don't know how to manage;
-
Wounded or not, one or both
partners are
of skills needed for effective win-win
and ...
-
(wounded) people frequently give
and perceive "1-up"
which always degrade
communication
Significant false-self wounds also mean...
Ex mates
are each at high risk of unconsciously choosing the wrong
(wounded)
to re/wed, for
the wrong
at the
wrong
This puts all
of you at risk of a(nother) sequence of stressful years and psychological or
legal
And...
If these realities apply to you and your kids, your protective false self
will try creative ways of
them - i.e. you will forget, disregard, dispute, not
understand, or ignore these ideas and implications. Like a tormented, self-medicating addict, you and/or the ex mate will continue
stressful false-self behaviors until you
and decide to
Pause, breathe comfortably, and notice your thoughts and feelings
right now. What are your
subselves saying about these four ideas? Is someone's ex spouse making
your life in/directly miserable now? If so, here are some powerful
options you can experiment with to improve your personal and household
serenities, and your kids' long-term chances for a healthier life...
Options
for Adapting to a Significantly-wounded Ex Mate
1) Prepare
Start
with a concept check: do you agree that communication between two
or more related people is always circular? That
is, person A's perceived actions cause person B
to react, which causes "A" to react, which causes "B" to react, which...etc.
Implication: if you change your
behavior, your ex mate may react differently.
That gives you some options, rather than feeling trapped as a resentful,
"powerless"
Next...
Check your focus.
Are you primarily intent on punishing or changing your or your partner's ex spouse? I propose that
your best
option is changing yourself
- e. g. the way you
and communicate with the ex mate. If your
ruling subselves are skeptical or resistant to this or need to hurt
the ex, the rest of this article will probably be of little
use - so focus on
Next...
Check your attitudes. Do you
really believe that by changing
something about yourself, you (and any partner) can significantly
improve relations with the troubled ex mate? If you can't honestly say
"yes," or something like "I don't see how, but I'm willing to explore
some new ideas," the rest of this article probably won't
fill your needs. As you read, note your thoughts and feelings.
If they're like "So what?", or "Too bad!", or "S/He
(the ex) earned my
attitude!" - that's probably
your false self
Now...
Check
your
and patience.
Can you honestly say something like "Improving my/our relations with
this wounded ex spouse over time is worth investing 10 to 20 hours of study"? If so, read on. Harvesting benefits from the options below will require at least
that amount of undistracted time, effort, and patience. Finally,...
Check
your time frame. If you conflicted co-parents are mostly focused on
"child visitations this spring," "summer vacation,"
"the coming Holiday," or "winning this court battle,"
you risk fighting the battles but losing the long-term "war."
Typical well-meaning false selves also prefer to focus
on the (unchangeable) past to justify their actions,
nobleness, and
"rightness," and/or to force the ex mate to
(publicly) admit their horrible faults and mistakes.
|
Your chances for gradually improving family harmony and
rise if your co-parents can help each other deliberate the
long-term effects
(e.g. over the next 15 to 25 years) of your current actions. Can you do that now?
|
If you and any new mate have taken these preparation steps,
choose the "mind of a student,"...
2) Learn, and Act
Study these inner
family and FAQ pages, this
false-self article, and these two linked articles on
Grown wounded Children. If your
false self judges the ex spouse as bad vs. wounded and unaware, your behavior toward him or
her will inexorably send insulting
This will surely
amplify your inner and mutual co-parenting conflicts, and wreck your chances for effective
Each day you
tolerate this, your minor
kids react to low family nurturance by unconsciously developing significant
false-self
|
Read
and
honestly
yourself and any partner for false-self wounds. If you don't, resign yourself to years of internal
and ex-mate torment. If you conclude that a
false self rules your personality, focus on
-
your
Otherwise, you risk trying a series of ineffective
with the aggravating ex mate,
which will probably make things
worse.
Reality check: re-read this article several years from now. |
See how these premises about solving
relationship problems compare to your beliefs. If your Self
(capital "S") guides your other subselves, I'd be surprised if s/he doesn't agree
with many or most of the premises. If s/he does, are you consistently applying
your premises to improving your relationship with the wounded ex mate?
More options for adapting to a wounded ex mate...
Study and discuss...
-
This brief, vivid
sketch about the inner
"tribes" in an eloquent stepfather (Michael Ventura) and his
wife and stepson.
-
Embracing Each Other - Relationship as Teacher, Healer, & Guide; by
Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Winkelman, Ph.D.; 1992.
This is an intriguing, practical introduction to how your and the ex-mate's
subselves interact. What these authors call inner dialog is called
here -
communication among your dynamic subselves. Next, read...
-
"Discover
Your Subpersonalities," by John
Rowan. This interesting paperback is about
you,
your child(ren), any new partner, and the problematic ex mate. Next, study
and discuss...
-
This
example of how
unseen false-self wounds affected this real stepfamily
couple and a helpless, wounded step-teen. Notice your feelings and thoughts
as you read. If you have a new partner, read this out loud to each other. Discuss how
this vignette compares to your situation. Option:
offer a
copy of that article to the ex mate and key others for information, not
blame or vindication. Next...
-
Follow the
links and discuss these common
to co-parental teamwork after divorce and/or stepfamily
re/marriage. Note the value of breaking complex problems into manageable
parts - "eating an elephant a bite at a time."
Study and experiment with the
you
can use to resolve internal and interpersonal conflicts with and about the
ex mate.
Pay special attention to the concepts of
and
Behaviors like phone hang-ups, not returning
messages, disparaging the ex to kids and others, hiring private
investigators and/or aggressive lawyers, and
filing court suits all send
the wounded ex mate insulting "I'm 1-up" R-messages. This will
steadily provoke her or his false self to react with hostility, resentment,
jealousy, suspicion, distrust, withdrawal, and/or
rage. Re-check your attitudes
about this wounded caregiver!
If you usually have
with the ex mate (i.e. if you're needs aren't met), see which of these
blocks
help to cause that. If your protective false self is in charge when you do, s/he
will probably
to make the
ex mate a villain and you a martyr,
or saint. Unless you're
of who
your personality, you won't
know this is happening.
Use the seven Project-2
and these
tips to patiently
reduce your half of these blocks
over time. This will only improve communication
if you genuinely see the ex as a
wounded, unaware,
with
whom you have strong
and
relationship
Also try
recent communication sequences with the
ex with an open mind. Beware the
natural tendency to fault the other co-parent and avoid your
half...
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