Premise - normal
like yours are composed of
like an
orchestra or sports team is composed of individually-talented players. Too
little
in a child's
early years inhibits developing an innately-skilled personality "conductor" or
"coach" - a subself called (here) the
This means that
without skilled intervention, a
psychologically-
child may grow up being
controlled by bickering, impulsive subselves -
This results in up to
five psychological
which cause
significant health
and relationship problems until the person chooses to recover.
My
27 years' clinical experience with over a thousand
average Midwestern-US women and men sug-gests that most American adults and their
children and parents are significantly-wounded people who don't know
they're being controlled by a well-meaning, myopic false self. There are many
behavioral clues of
this unseen wounding.
Pseudo forgiveness
occurs when one or more subselves say and
mean "I really forgive me/you," while one or more other
subselves (like an
insist
relentlessly "You scum - I'll never forgive myself and/or you
for what I (or you) did!" The person's words say one thing, and their actions say the opposite: a confusing
The unseen
wounds and communication ignorance that cause double messages usually hinder
kids' and adults'
inevitable life
(broken bonds.)
A common sign of false-self
dominance is the compulsion to keep replaying past offenses over and over,
and re-experiencing the original hurt, outrage, and resentment. Logic and
"willpower" are of little use in stopping this compulsion, because the
subselves that cause it believe they're helping you. Patient
can break this vexing dynamic.
|
True
forgiveness happens when
all subselves
genuinely agree to stop blaming the offender,
and they trust the resident
true Self to make safe, effective
decisions. When this occurs, the person's words and actions
consistently match, healthy grieving can proceed, new
can grow, and
mutu-al trust and
respect
may (re)build, over time. Does this make sense to you? |
Implication: if you want to forgive yourself or another
person but retain bitterness, resentment, and blame,
yourself for
false-self wounds. Then work to
your true Self to
your other subselves. Family
provides an effective
framework and resources for doing this over time. If ano-ther person is unable
to truly forgive, view them compassionately as
and
not "bad" or "holding a grudge."
Forgiveness,
Regret, and Remorse
Think of the last time you regretted something. What did that feel like? Did
you blame yourself for not having recognized or done something? Did you
blame someone else for "making you" do something you regretted? Both?
Regret ["If only I had (not)..."] may merit grieving the loss
of an opportunity. It may or may not merit forgiving yourself or someone
else. Typical
(GWCs) (that is, their biased Critic, Shamed Child, and Perfectionist
subselves) are prone to blame the host person for things beyond their
control.
Remorse is like regret with the added feeling of sorrow, as in "I'm
so sorry I (offended or hurt you). Remorse can be
spontaneous and genuine, or dutiful and strategic. Sincere apologies are a
common way of reducing remorse and regret - and may promote
reciprocal forgiveness.
Forgiveness vs.
Revenge
A primal reflex in some wounded people is "You hurt me, so I'll get even
(make you suffer)." Such people may quote the Biblical text "An eye for an
eye, a tooth for a tooth, or claim "fairness" as moral bases for their
behavior. America used nuclear mega-death as a response to Japanese
aggression and treachery.
Other responses have made global headlines: Mahatma Ghandi answered British
oppression and violence with passive resistance. Martin Luther King
advocated non-violent responses to racial abuses in America. Many other
world leaders have sought peaceful resolution between warring factions.
Themes that emerge from these polar reactions to aggression and offense are
self-protection and the pursuit of justice and equality. Premise -
protecting yourself and your people from harm is morally justified.
Retribution if you and your people are not in danger is not.
Premise - people who seek revenge for some offense are probably
guided by a primitive false self, and are unaware of that and what it means.
They didn't cause this, and cannot control it. As such, they deserve
compassion and forgiveness, not scorn or criticism. That doesn't mean
condoning their behavior or permitting aggression. How does your true Self
feel about this opinion?
Forgiveness, Shame, and
Guilt
Most healthy people who significantly offend other people feel some
("I did a bad thing") and
shame
("I am a bad thing."). Typical
carry excessive guilts and shame that can hinder or block appropriate
self-forgiveness. These can also promote dutiful (pseudo) apologies and
forgiveness of other people rather than genuine ones.
If you are
burdened by chronic guilt and
shame over old offenses or
other things, then
for false-self
and consider personal
Make guilt-free forgiveness part of your healing process!
Forgiveness and "Sin"
Some well-intentioned religions teach young kids and converts that violating
God's rules ordained in their Scriptures is an indisputable sin that needs
penance and redemption to avoid eternal damnation. Unless believers moderate
or reject this idea, they're prone to major guilt, shame, and anxiety that
hinder self-forgiveness and personal serenity. They're also at risk of
righteously judging others for "sinning," which doesn't foster true (vs.
dutiful or anxious) forgiveness.
For more perspective on this complex
subject, see this article.
Now let's use the perspective above to explore...
Requisites for Forgiveness
If
a child asked you "What do you need to forgive somebody?" what would you
say? The answer depends on who "somebody" is...
Option:
identify and
validate your forgiveness "rules." Over your years, you've
probably evolved semi-conscious attitudes (good/bads and right/wrongs);
and rules (shoulds, oughts, have to's, and musts) about forgiveness. Your attitudes and rules may differ for adults, kids,
parents, spouses, hero/ines, and other people.
For each belief or rule about forgiving people,
meditate on "Where did I get this rule? Is this my be-lief, or
am I using someone else's rules?"
Patiently trust your Self's
direction in evolving a set of authen-tic attitudes and guidelines, whether
other people agree with them or not. Reaffirm and use your
Bill
of Personal Rights!
Forgiving Yourself
Remember the last time you did something that caused you significant shame,
guilt, and remorse? How have you let go of those feelings - or have you? Two
unconscious strategies that some wounded people use are
("I don't feel anything") and
("I just don't think about it.")
Another popular way is
to convince yourself "I had do - I had no choice." (justi-fication and
rationalization). Another common distortion is minimizing - "Aw, It
wasn't really that bad." These are all false-self
strategies designed by diligent
subselves (like the
to spare your sensitive
and
from anguish. They are not self-forgiveness.
Implication - a major
requisite for self forgiveness is having your true Self steadily
guide your other subselves. S/He will own appropriate
responsibility for your actions, and will know what else is needed to
truly forgive yourself. That may include confronting...
-
your
and
to stop them from ceaselessly blaming you;
-
your
to stop her/him from protectively distorting reality; and...
-
asserting and enforcing
with other people who need to
criticize or scorn you for your
offense;
-
reminding all your subselves of your rights
as a dignified, worthy person;
-
validating any rules your subselves feel you
broke (guilts);
-
connecting your
and
Inner Kids with
your comforting
-
significant broken bonds and lost opportunities;
-
generating compassion and
empathy for letting a false self take you over, and
working to avoid repeating that; and...
-
deciding if apologies are warranted, and if
so, delivering them appropriately.
When your Self (capital "S") does these things, any significant or recurring
shame, guilt, and remorse should dwindle, and you should be able to talk
calmly about your offenses.
Requisites for Forgiving
Someone Else
The best case is...
-
your
true Self is guiding your other personality subselves,
-
the other person is guided by their true Self,
and takes genuine responsibility for their offense;
-
you use a respectful
to describe factually how their behavior affected you;
-
s/he expresses genuine regret or remorse, and may
apologize sincerely,
-
either or both of you are able to fully grieve any
losses; and...
-
neither of you is significantly influenced by any
other opinionated or affected people.
The challenge is - you can't make the other person want to
their Self, take responsibility for and regret their offense, or want to avoid
others' influence. Those must be spontaneous. So what can you do without those
ideal factors? Options -
-
choose to believe that forgiveness is a gift
to yourself - freedom from stressful emotions;
-
stay clear that forgiveness doesn't mean you approve
the other's actions, and doesn't regain lost trust
and respect. Decide if either of those
merits a respectful intervention, and follow the links.
-
see the
other person as
and
- with compassion, not blame, hostility, or scorn. The latter suggests a
false self rules you.
-
Decide if you need to alter your relationship with
the offender in some way - e.g. setting some new boundaries. Use your
as a guide. If you do, consider informing the other person (and any other
relevant people) factually (vs. punitively) of your decision.
Two special cases deserve comment - forgiving your parents, and your Higher
Power
Forgiving Your Parents
Despite their best intentions, all parents and caregivers hurt their
children at times. The hurts range from minimal to traumatic. Do you agree?
Ultimately, it's up to each of us adults to evaluate these hurts, and decide
if we need to forgive those people who raised us for some lacks, mistakes,
and offenses.
Common surface (secondary) offenses include premature conception, child
neglect, abuse, disre-spect, abandonment, emotional unavailability,
enmeshment, and harmful discipline. These do injure young
kids. Each of them is caused by
parents and grandparents being...
often don't become aware of their wounds and ignorance until hitting
in mid-life. By that time, it's too late to avoid injuring their kids. What
they can do is affirm they did they best they could, forgive themselves and
their ancestors, make amends where possible, and work to
their grandkids and descendents from wounds and unawareness.
If
your parents hurt you "too much," you can choose to (a) harbor hurt and
resentment about their surface offenses, or (b) award them compassion for
their wounds and ignorance, and appreciate the things they were able
to give you. The latter choice is more likely if your true Self is guiding
your person-ality.
|
Are you able to discuss this honestly with your parents now, if
they're living? If you are raising someone's kids, are you aware
of any wounds and unawareness in your family adults? If so, are
you doing anything
about it? |
Forgiving God
Some
religious people can feel betrayed or abandoned by God. For example, a
45-year-old client of mine had remained bitter at God for allowing
her beloved Mother to die when she was 13. When your Higher Power seems to
offend you, check for incomplete
on all three levels. If you find that,
check your birth-family's and present-family's
for
to
mourn. Then see these options.
Do these options seem reasonable? Do-able? How do
they compare with how you usually forgive of-fenders - or don't?
Let's see how these ideas apply to...
Forgiving Common Social Offenses
Compare this premise to your life experience:
typical adults and kids are offended by...
-
dishonesty and deception - i.e. lying or insincerity;.
-
betrayal - broken promises (trust);
-
abandonment; and...
-
ending
some relationships.
Let's look at each of these...
Dishonesty and Deception
As you know, lies range from minor to major,
and harmless to devastating. The impact of a decep-tion depends partly on who
the other person is, what your relationship is, whether you expect them to
tell the truth or not, and how the deception affects you.
Reflect: what's your preferred way of reacting to major lies and deceptions
- numb out? Hold a grudge? Pseudo pardon? Truly forgive?
You may be able to forgive the liars
in your life more freely if you consider why they do so. My
ex-perience is, average kids and adults lie because (a) they're
psychologically
(controlled by a false self), and/or (b) they don't feel safe telling the
truth.
The first merits your compassion,
not scorn or hostility. The second
suggests you may be unaware of doing something that makes truth-telling
unsafe - like ridiculing, criticizing, ignoring, or distorting. For
more perspective on both possibilities, see
this and this.
Forgiving Betrayals and Broken
Promises
How would you describe betrayal
to a pre-teen? Have you ever felt betrayed? Betrayed someone else?
Let's say that the feeling of
betrayal occurs when someone violates our trust. Trust (expectation)
may come from...
-
assuming someone will do something or be a
certain way, or...
-
having them agree to or promise something.
So
when someone doesn't behave the way we expect them to, the problem may be
our own misjudg-ment, not the other person.
Have you ever broken a promise or commitment? Do you know why you did? Did
you promise something you didn't mean to end or avoid some discomfort? Or
did something happen which changed your priorities? The first usually comes
from not knowing how to assert our
or
-
and/or not being clear on our personal rights.
Those may be amplified by being
or
(wounded).
If something
changes our priorities so we choose to break a promise or com-mitment, is
that a betrayal? Does it merit forgiveness and an apology? An
explanation? Regret? Notice your
now, and
Forgiving Affairs
Most primary partners expect and commit to emotional and sexual fidelity,
despite temptations. When one mate violates this - usually covertly - the
other feels betrayed on several levels, and shatters trust. The betrayal can
feel so primal that genuine forgiveness (vs. denials and repression) is hard
to grant.
|
Premise - most affairs occur because the (a) unfaithful
mate is not getting her or his partnership
met well enough, and (b) the mates can't
effectively. Underneath that, one or both partners may be
significantly
and may have chosen the wrong
to commit to, at the wrong
for the wrong
|
From this view, both mates may need to forgive themselves and/or their
parents for these factors that they didn't cause and weren't aware of. For
more perspective, see this article.
Continue by exploring
forgiveness issues in abandonments and typical divorces.
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