In these articles, "relatives" refers to
related genetically and legally to each
minor and grown child in the family. Dead relatives are included because
their values, reputations, achievements, wounds, genes, and mementos affect relations among
surviving family members. "Relatives" includes stepsiblings and half-siblings;
and their grandparents, step-cousins, aunts and uncles and their spouses.
Typical multi-generational stepfamilies can have well over ~80 members
living in many widely-scattered homes!
What kind of relatives would you like to have? Why? Think of all the
families you've known in your life. I suspect they range
from "awful" to "ho hum" to "wonderful." Now
think of your own relatives, living and dead - the roots, branches, and
leaves of your family tree. Where would they
fit on that spectrum? How would the kids in your life answer that question?
Your mother
and father? Have you ever discussed
how your relatives affect your family's
What criteria do you use to measure whether relatives are "awful" to
"wonderful"? One way of generalizing is "If aunts, uncles,
cousins, and
grandparents generally create pleasure, safety, and inspiration in my life,
they're wonderful. If they usually create significant
discomforts,
they're awful. If they create neither,
they... (finish that as you wish). Restated, "Awful relatives seldom fill my
primary (vs. surface)
Wonderful relatives fill my primary needs
consistently, reliably,
and cheerfully."
Our surface needs change all the time. Our primary needs remain
pretty constant as we age - e.g. our needs for enough dignity
(respect), comfort, safety, stimulation, recognition, rest, space,
fulfillment, purpose, meaning, inclusion, and acceptance are steady.
|
Each of your awful and wonderful relatives has the same
primary psychological and
needs and personal rights that you do. Do you agree?
|
I suspect you feel "individually and collectively, my blood and
legal relatives now range from...
How would your life change if all people you designate as
"relatives" suddenly vanished for good?
Premises
If any stepfamily relatives cause you,
your partner, and/or your kids significant stress,
use these premises to clarify what you believe. That can help you identify
your needs and your options to reduce the stress.
If any
premises cause strong reactions, meditate on why... In what
follows, A = "I agree," D = "I disagree," and ? =
"I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
1) Families have existed in every age and culture because they fill
some basic adults' and kids'
better than any other human group. All families follow a predictable
developmental path over time. Stepfamilies have extra
stages in their
paths, compared to intact biofamilies. (A D ?)
2) You belong to a family composed of living and dead genetic and other
relatives, and always will. Your family is unique in some ways, and like all
other families in other ways. Depending on many factors, your family can
range between a loving, nurturing haven to a consistent source of
(A D ?)
3)
You
are half responsible for
deciding (a) whether you
and each relative shall have a "relationship" or not; (b) the current awful to wonderful quality of
each
relationship, and (c) who's responsible for improving awful
relationships. (A D ?)
4) At
any moment, you and each relative have minor to major
Each of you can consciously choose one of these
basic attitudes (a) situationally and (b) over time:
-
Filling
my needs is
more important to me than filling yours (I'm "1-up"), or...
-
Filling
your needs is
more important to me than filling mine ("I'm 1-down"), or...
-
Filling your and my needs is
equally
important to me now ("we're equals"), or...
-
I really
about
your or my needs.
A common source of inner and mutual conflict occurs when
one or both people aren't clear on their
primary needs. Even if they are clear, conflict will occur if one or both people perceive that the other doesn't value their
needs, rights, and dignity as being
as valid as their own. That may be true or a
Both stressors are likely when any
relative is often ruled by a
(A D ?)
5) The local and overall qualities of your relationship with each family adult
and child depends
on how
often you each feel your primary needs are filled well enough by the other person. You
are responsible for (a) knowing your primary (vs. surface) needs and
(b)
and filling them, and each relative
is responsible for filling theirs. (A D ?)
6)
Some relationship needs can only be filled spontaneously
by another person - like love, respect, trust,
acceptance, and caring. Expecting or
any of these from a relative is
self defeating: if they pretend, that's (a) a confusing
and
(b) the need is filled out of duty, guilt, or fear.
We're taught from infancy
that "family members are supposed to accept, love, and
respect each other."
The
reality is "depending on many factors, blood and legal relatives
may or may not care about, like, respect, trust, enjoy, or love each
other." That's specially true of stepfamily relatives, including
"ex in-laws." Each of your stepfamily members can accept this reality
without guilt, shame, or anxiety; they can or
and seek the unattainable
ideal. (A D ?)
Here are seven more basic premises about relations between stepfamily members. Do you need a stretch break?
7)
You may need something from a relative that they
can't supply, or they don't want to - and vice versa. You
are responsible for choosing what needs of theirs you're willing to try to
meet, and they're responsible for the reverse. Many family-role and relationship
conflicts stem from un/consciously expecting or demanding that a
relative fill your needs, when they can't, or choose not to.
For example, demanding your relative (or anyone) to
respect you is
inevitably lose-lose, because...
-
True respect can only be given spontaneously;
-
You may not be acting in a way
that earns his or her respect;
-
If s/he's a
person, s/he probably
can't respect you until s/he (a) admits and reduces her
and (b) is self-motivated to gain enough self-respect (reduces excessive
and/or...
-
S/He really does respect you,
but the subselves ruling your personality are
that because
they feel inferior
(shamed).
True
can reduce this over time. (A D ?)
Premise 8)
Relationships
among your step-relatives (or anyone) are shaped by each person's
un/conscious (good - bad, right - wrong) attitudes about key
subjects. Our culture and most religions promote judgmental
attitudes about
re/marriage, re/divorce, ex mates, and stepfamilies. Typical adults aren't
aware of their option to change some key attitudes to increase their
family's nurturance level. Once they are (a) aware
of toxic attitudes and (b)
by their true
Self, anyone (like you) can change their core beliefs. (A D
?)
9) Relationship and family-role "problems" are usually a mix of
conflicts and
interpersonal
conflicts. You are responsible
for
identifying and resolving conflicts among your subselves. Conflicts
are unfilled conscious or unconscious
needs.
Conflict resolution happens when
underlying primary needs are filled "well enough for now." Focusing on filling surface needs like money, possessions, and
social events promotes (a) arguing or avoiding, vs. problem solving, (b) the problems
(unfilled needs) recurring, and (c) growing
distrust in your "problem-solving" process. (A D ?)
10)
"Problems" between relatives (or anyone) are
often caused and maintained by
they try to solve them - i.e. ineffective communication
is the primary
problem. Using the
communication
with a genuine attitude of
can
reduce any relationship conflict, including internal
ones! You are responsible for half the decision to do this or not.
(A D ?)
11)
Relationships with kinfolk are
unique
because of our inherited expectations of how
relatives are supposed to feel and act together. For instance, you're supposed to
invite your relatives to certain events, like weddings and funerals, whether
you care about and enjoy those people or not. Our media and churches relentlessly promote the ideal
of relatives wanting to spend time together, and wanting to care
about each other. This is more true about blood relatives than in-laws.
Most people long for a warm,
loving, happy multi-generational family where everyone laughs, sings,
eats, listens to, cares about, hugs, respects, and enjoys each other genuinely.
This is specially true for those of us who didn't experience that as
kids.
When one relative doesn't enjoy spending time with another, they may
feel
and anxiety because of these idealized
expectations.
Your family adults can (a) identify
what old or semi-conscious rules (shoulds, oughts,
and musts) shape their relationships, and (b) adopt a different rule, without guilt, shame, or anxiety. To
do this, your true Selves must be
and you need to be clear on your personal
rights. The
alternative is to live by someone else's rules, which will
cost you your integrity and
The primary problems are...
-
lack of (a) personal
and (b)
guilt-free permission to live by your rules and accept their
consequences, and...
-
one or more of you expecting or demanding other
relatives to
conform to your
rules and values.
(A D ?)
Reality check: review your stepfamily relationships and
identify a "problem" you have with one of them. Then mull "What are the
shoulds, oughts, and musts that are causing
my stress?" Example: "A 'good' person should always
(want to) visit hospitalized relatives, and/or want to
call,
send flowers and cards, and offer to help at home."
Continue
with two more premises, and options for improving
relationships among you all
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The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/basics.htm