Walls, doors, curtains, fences, locks, clothing, (some) writing, and answering machines
provide physical boundaries. Words and thoughts like "No,"
"OK," "Stop," "Don't," "Not now," "That
hurts," and "Not that way" communicate
behavioral (interpersonal) boundaries.
So do speech dynamics, facial expressions, ("Noriko looked disgusted.") and body language.
Some boundaries
are communicated
unconsciously, and others intentionally. They regulate our dy-namic emotional
and physical comfort, moment to moment. We
set boundaries with ourselves ("I force myself to eat breakfast, though I'm
not hungry") and with other people. Asserting and modeling our boun-daries
and consequences over
time will shape kids' abilities to set and enforce their personal boundaries
effectively.
Effective
boundaries meet all affected people's primary needs well enough. They require...
-
self-
-
asserting the
limits and consequences clearly and respectfully, vs. aggressively or timidly; and...
-
enforcing consequences
promptly and firmly.
Like child
discipline, boundaries without meaningful consequences are
toothless.
Saying "I won't put up with your profanity!" means little, unless
there is a consequence that gives the statement some impact - like ending
a phone call, reducing contact, leaving the table or room, etc.
Absence of any of these three factors can cause relationship problems -
e.g. "I can tolerate your not eating red meat, but I won't go along with the
(aggressive, unempathic)
you dictate what we eat."
Boundary conflicts happen
when two persons' tolerances don't match. For example, "I need the
thermo-stat set to 78 degrees in the winter, with the windows closed;"
clashes with "Well anything over 68 degrees makes me real uncomfortable, and
I need my fresh air!" These are similar to
which are specially common in typical low-nurturance families.
Boundary violations
occur when someone accidentally or intentionally exceeds another person's
tolerance limit for something. When the violator is clearly aware of the
boundary s/he's crossing, their behavior sends an insulting
to the violated person.
Bottom line: interpersonal
boundaries and consequences inevitably affect the quality of any
relation-ship. If you're having a "boundary problem" with one or more
family relatives,
what are your options? The first one is to get clear on...
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Typical
superficial boundary problems with
relatives look like these:
-
Your grandmother calls your
house many times a week to "see how you are," then talks
endlessly;
-
A gregarious aunt and uncle
repeatedly "drop in" for dinner unannounced, and "stay
forever;"
-
A well-meaning grandfather
publicly criticizes your stepson's biofather as being "a lousy deadbeat,
and a poor excuse for a parent;"
-
Your new mate's married sister
lets her three-year old child damage belongings in your home, with-out
apology or offers to repay;
-
An adult cousin you confide in
about family matters repeatedly "tells the whole world"
(gossips), and gets huffy when you protest;
-
Your adult stepsister drives
your child to a school activity when she's drunk;
-
Your parents humorously
criticize your spouse's family as "bumpkins" and
"lowbrows;"
-
Your
wife's brother repeatedly acts lewd and seductive toward your daughter.
The theme of all these examples is...
a relative acts in a way that's
offensive to you (crosses your boundary);
without empathy for or awareness
of your limits or feelings; and...
you feel a significant mix of
disrespect, hurt, anxiety, frustration, guilt, and/or embarrass-ment (public
shame).
That brew usually evokes repressed or expressed resentment and
anger - specially if the boundary-vio-lation continues after you hint,
that your
relative (want to) change her or his behavior.
Boundary problems range from simple to
complex.
Simple problems occur when
(a) you
and your mate both dislike, resent, or fear a relative's behavior, and
(b) neither of you, nor any child, sees a major risk to your marriage or a
child's welfare from firmly confronting the relative. Many boundary conflicts in intact
biofamilies are "simple."
A
complex boundary
problem arises when...
-
you mates argue about the violation, and/or
the perceived risk of confronting the violator; or...
-
one or both of you
fear that confronting the relative may prompt legal, financial, or emotional
retribution from another relative. A variation
happens when...
-
a minor child is terrified that your confronting their relative will cause "something really bad" to happen to them
and/or someone they care about.
In simple and complex cases, family adults have three basic
choices:
Ignore, minimize, or tolerate the boundary violation,
hoping that the offense will "go away" by itself. The price of this choice
is usually some degree of ongoing irritation, guilt, and anxiety, - and
(often) allowing your
to control your life. Or you can...
Focus on the
surface
problem, which typically involves blaming the offending
relative overtly or co-vertly. This usually promotes escalating arguments,
avoidances, counterattacks, and hostilities that ripple and compound through the whole
fostering stressful
and
distrusts; Or co-parents can...
Work together to discover
the primary (underlying) problems causing the boundary problems, and use these
communication
to respectfully
and enforce their boundaries
with the
appro-priate people - starting with themselves.
Let's look at this last option ...
Identify and Resolve the Primary Problems
A basic premise for all that follows is that each adult is
responsible for spotting and resolving boundary
conflicts and violations among relatives that reduce the family's nurturance
level. Co-parents are responsible for defending minor kids'
boundaries, and teaching kids how to assert and enforce their own. Did your caregivers do
that?
Most boundary conflicts and violations among family relatives
are caused by one or more of these six problems:
1) One
or more relatives are dominated by a false self
and don't know that, or what to do about it. The solution is to commit to
wound-
and
via patient work at some form of
When this exists, it amplifies all these other problems:
2) One
or more family adults aren't clear on their personal boundaries
and/or consequences. An ef-fective solution is to use personal
and
skills to identify what you each need. See this
example
for perspective; or...
3) Family members
are clear on their boundaries, but they
(their ruling subselves) feel
and/or
about
asserting and/or enforcing them. This often indicates the
person is
or
(wounded),
and/or they're not clear on (a)
their rights
as dignified persons, and/or (b) their
as a couple;
4) One
or more people are clear on their
boundaries and consequences, and don't know how to
and enforce them effectively. They also may not know how to
identify and resolve related
and
conflicts, and associated relationship
Doing
together can solve this over time
if mates' true Selves are guiding their personalities;
5) One
or both mates
are
clear, justified, and know how to assert - and
the perceived consequences, realistically or not. The fears can be
combinations of...
-
the co-parents'
re/marriage is fragile, and one or both fear
possible separation or re/divorce. This
is a
problem, not a boundary problem!
See
-
someone
fears giving a relative full responsibility for (a) feeling their true
emotions, and (b) filling his or her own needs
- e.g. "We can't (safely) confront Martha on drinking and driving,
because (the unspoken family illusion is) your Mother would have a heart
attack!" Co-dependence is a symptom of
unclear or missing personal boundaries
which
often indicates false-self
semi-conscious
of
fear abandonment, excessive
and a fuzzy or
personal
identity. Progress on Project 1 can improve all of these, over time.
-
someone fears breaking one or more unquestioned
old
and (a)
being a bad person, and/or (b) outraging key relatives and being scorned
or rejected by them. The rules can be some mix or variation of
these:
"It is not (safe / "right" / legitimate /
respectable / "Christian" / ...) for (fe/males / kids
/ old people / in-laws / any family member) to ...
ask for (or demand) what you want; and/or to ...
express anger / strong feelings / disagreement / outrage / limits
/ ...; and/or to ...
confront (elders / a certain person / men / mothers / ...); or
to...
question or dispute this family rule."
This nets out to "Someone's
boundary is (or was) that we never confront or discuss personal
or household boundary violations in this family." A
special case of this fear is if...
-
Someone has hidden a
serious health, legal, or financial problem (e.g. addiction or
promiscuity) that will become known if co-parents openly confront the
relative's boundary violation. Major
are often signs of historical low family
and related false-self wounds in family adults and kids. The master secret is "We won't tell
ourselves or anyone else that we have significant family secrets."
This fear of confrontation
can happen when personal boundaries and key family
rules conflict: e.g. "I can't let Martha drive my child to
school when she's drunk" (personal boundary), and "your family
is denying Martha's chemical dependence and what it means"
(unspoken rule: "Our family members, including in-laws, don't talk
about Martha's 'problem'");
A final problem blocking problem-resolution may be ...
6) The person whose boundary was
violated is giving someone else the responsibility for reducing their
discomfort. A version of this is co-parents' discounting their own
judgment or ability, and over-relying on the advice or guidance of a close
friend, a family elder, or professional authority (clergy, doctor,
counselor, lawyer, educator, author, talk-show host, guru, mentor, boss,...).
A variation of this is feeling
major discomfort because you believe your relative is violating someone else's
boundary, and you feel that person should confront your relative.
("Well your Grandmother has some nerve, abusing you by
calling so often and rambling on so selfishly. You must be a saint
to put up with that insensitive old biddy!")
When either of these happen, it's
probable that one or more people involved (including gurus) (a) lack
self-credibility,
and/or self-respect, and (b) need to
being controlled by a protective
false self. Project 1 and related
resources
provide a way of assessing and healing this, over time.
|
The central premise here is that co-parents will have better success reducing
boundary-viola-tion stress if they (a) objectively
the underlying
(primary)
problems, (b) sort and prioritize them, and (c) acquire
knowledge and
problem-solving
to
cooperatively resolve
them (d) as mutually-respectful
|
Recall:
this site proposes that role and relationship "problems" are always
unmet primary (vs. surface)
So when you co-parents are conflicted or confused, help each other identify the unmet need/s
without judgment, and brainstorm together how to fill them without
sacrificing anyone's integrity (personal values and boundaries) or security.
Easier said than done, eh?
Concluded on page 2...
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http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/boundaries.htm