The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/approval.htm
Continued...
We just reviewed typical symptoms of problems related to disapproving
stepfamily relatives. Now let's look at what causes these symptoms,
and options for resolving them:
Identify and Resolve the Primary Problems
Premise: significant step-relative disapprovals are usually caused by a
mix of up to eight primary factors. Most of these also apply to typical
intact and divorced biofamilies. Once co-parents identify and
prioritize the factors, they (you) can resolve or improve each of them!
Note that several of these primary problems focus on you partners,
not your critical or rejecting relatives - i.e. you are part or all
of "the problem"!
Use the summary below and these
reference articles to evolve a way to adapt to your relatives' disapproval.
As you read, note whether you feel these primary problems are burdens or
opportunities...
1) One
or both of you partners is protectively
(a)
that there are significant problems with relatives' disapprovals
(judgments), (b) discounting (minimizing) the problem/s ("Oh no big deal,"), and/or
(c) either or both of you are (c) criticizing and blaming others, and avoiding taking
personal responsibility for confronting and resolving these problems. All
three of these are signs of a dominant
Solution: help each other
progress at
That involves learning some
basics, then thoughtfully
11 checklists to assess
You're assessing for symptoms of a
childhood, and
related false-self
If
you have significant wounds, commit to evolving a meaningful
recovery program before trying to adapt to relatives' disapprovals. If your
mate and/or disapproving
relatives are wounded, see these optionms for relating well-enough to them.follow the
links for perspective and options.
For perspective, my clinical experience with over 1,000 typical American
divorced and stepfamily co-parents is that conservatively (a) ~80% of them
have inherited significant false-self wounds, and
(b) didn't (want to) know that, or (c) what it
Implication: the odds that one or more of your stepfamily adults is often
controlled by a false self are significant - so you need to research this
for your and your descendents' sakes.
Another likely primary problem promoting relative's disapprovals is...
2)
You
co-parents can't agree on "
is the problem?" (i.e. who's
aren't met well enough?); and/or "Who's problem is this
(disapproval):
mine, yours, ours, or someone else's?"
Such disagreement is a symptom of co-parents (a) not knowing
effective-communication
basics and
seven effective-communication
and (b) bearing significant false-self wounds (# 1 above).
Solution: commit to helping each other
progress on...
-
(assess for false-self dominance, and
your
and...
-
(learn
win-win
together, and invite your relatives and kids to learn
and use it.)
If you co-parents have trouble committing to these, your false selves are
probably too distrustful or chaotic, and/or they caused one or both of
you to re/marry the wrong
for the
wrong
at the wrong
Use
resources to evaluate that.
Another primary problem may be...
3) You
co-parent partners and/or your
relatives haven't clearly accepted (a)
your
as a stepfamily,
(b) what
that identity
and/or
(c)
to your
Solution: Co-parent mates
help each other do
(clarify
your stepfamily identity and membership), and
(scout for and convert unrealistic stepfamily
myths
into realistic expectations, and apply them). Then invite all your relatives to do these projects with you, for their and your kids'
collective long-term benefit. And possibly...
4)
You
adults don't yet know how to identify,
sort
out, and resolve...
Solution: discuss
each of these linked items thoroughly, one at a time. Seek agreement on
a clear definition of each stressor, and a viable strategy to resolve it. Any
strategy must include (a)
your Self
of
your other
(b)
evolving a true
attitude, and (c) applying these seven communication
And/or your discord with some step-relatives may stem partly from
...
5) One
or both of you co-parents - and/or
one or more relatives - are unclear on your personal
or re/marital
and
and/or you don't know enough about
and
to assess whether
two or more of you are tangled in an over-dependent
relationship. If you can assess this, then perhaps you don't know how
to rebalance the relationship boundaries permanently.
Solution: Follow the "more
detail" links in each popup above,
and read the related articles out loud to each other. Then add the ideas and
options in
this article.
If you co-parents are clear and united on your personal and re/marital
boundaries, it may be that ...
6) One
or both of you mates (a) don't know how to
your boundaries and
consequences effectively, and/or (b) you (your subselves) are
to do so
for some reason.
Solution: each of you...
-
evolve a clear definition of your
rights as a dignified
person,
-
adopt a genuine attitude of
-
your primary needs with each disapproving relative, and...
-
adapt these effective-assertion
to fit your situation. As you do...
-
Empathically expect your relatives to resist,
criticize, attack, ignore, or blame. If they do, they're not bad,
they're probably
and
Resources:
this
assertion-practice
exercise, these common communication
blocks, and these
useful phrases.
Perspective: you can only change your
half of each family relationship.
Trying to wheedle, cajole, demand, threaten, hint, or manipulate your
relatives to become more like what you want them to be is inherently
disrespectful and self-defeating.
Use these
liberally as you
confront your relationship problems.
If fear blocks you from asserting your primary needs and enforcing your boundaries,
you're probably controlled by a false self. See
# 1 above.
A final root of your discomfort with a disapproving relative may be that...
7) One
or more of your stepfamily members haven't progressed enough with
major losses.
This may mean (a) they're ruled by a false self (see 1 above); and/or they need
(b) more time and/or (c) internal and (d)
family-member
to grieve,
before they're ready to form new stepfamily bonds.
Where this is true, it may be that
(e) one or both of you partners can't
(f) define accurately and/or (g) agree on...
-
what
healthy
grieving is,
-
how to assess for
of blocked grief, and/or
-
to promote freeing that up in adults or kids; and/or...
-
you and your relatives haven't evolved an
effective
yet;
and/or...
-
two or more of you are hindered from normal
grieving by some of these
and you (a)
this, or (b) don't know how to resolve them.
Solution: (a) help each
other progress with co-parent
together,
and (b) if appropriate, tell your relatives
about that Project and invite them to join you. As you progress, (c) teach and model healthy
three-level grieving to your dependent and grown
kids.
The overall strategy to reducing or adapting to significant disapproval from
one or more relatives (and many other step-problems) is for you partners to
work patiently at Projects
and
together.
+ + +
We just surveyed seven primary problems that
(I believe) underlie typical surface relationship
problems among step-relatives, including "disapprovals" of divorce,
re/marriage, and parenting styles, and choice of new mate.
The dozens of
Web links you see in the text imply (a) how much there is to learn and apply,
and (b) how many options you have! Recall that one of
major stepfamily stressors is co-parent
and ignorance
(lack of information).
Status
Check
See where you stand on the key ideas in this article, and how they apply to
your situation: T = "True," F = "False," and ? = "I'm
not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
I'm sure that my
is
these questions now, or if not, I know which
control me now. (T F ?)
I (a) fully accept that we are a normal
now, (b) I understand and accept what that
to all of us, and (c) my partner and each key stepfamily relative
accepts these too. (T F ?)
I and my partner (if any) agree on who
our stepfamily now, or we know how to permanently resolve this
disagreement. (T F ?)
My partner is, and/or I am, significantly stressed
now by one or more relatives' apparent disapproval of something related
to our divorce, re/marriage, cohabiting, parenting, finances, religion,
and/or choice of mate. (T F ?)
My partner and I understand and accept the
difference between surface problems and underlying primary needs that
cause them. (T F ?)
We are now clear on (a) which of the seven primary
problems in this article pertain to our "disapproving relative/s"
problem, and (b) how to reduce each of them together, or
(c) we're committed to studying the links above to evolve an effective
resolution strategy together. (T F ?)
Each of us accepts that we are responsible
for resolving our "disapproval" problems, or adapting to them - not our
relative/s. (T F ?)
We partners (a) accept that stepfamily role and
relationship problems come in clusters, and we are each clear on (b) our
long-term priorities, and (c) how to
separate,
and stay focused on
one or a few problems at a time. (T F ?)
I'm sure my partner would answer these items the
same way I have. (T F ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice your
without judgment...
Recap
One of many challenges confronting typical divorced and stepfamily co-parents
is various
with
biological and step-relatives. These conflicts are often significantly
shaped by (a) lack of stepfamily
knowledge
and realistic expectations;
and (b) many (bio-family) social, religious, and ancestral shoulds, oughts, and musts
we inherited - e.g. "Family members should love,
enjoy, respect, and want to support each other.".
A high minority of U.S. families have separated and divorced. The
disappointments, frustrations, guilts, pain, shame, and resentments from the
divorce
(vs. the event) fuel many inter-relative conflicts. Re/marrying
co-parents bring sets of these conflicts into their new stepfamily, and these five common
add more
disputes.
and
mutual conflicts are more frequent,
more complex, and impact more people in typical stepfamilies, compared
to average intact biofamilies. The living and unborn descendants in
your stepfamily depend on you
co-parents to acknowledge this, and
learn to solve the
you experience (like disapproving relatives) effectively, as nurturing
As you evolve and work your problem-solving strategies, help each other
apply these resources:
Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what
do you want to do next? If not, what do you
now?
+ + +
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