This
article explores your options if you're troubled that one or more of your
relatives don't
care much about you or "being a family." This differs from feeling
rejected
by,
with, or
disrespected by, your stepkin.
Get the most from this article by
reading...
-
premises about
solving any relationship problem
-
these basic suggestions
about stepfamily relationships
-
Factors that promote
high-nurturance families
and
satisfying relationships
-
this
introduction to
normal personality subselves (like yours)
-
that typical U.S. stepfamilies are significantly stressed, and the
common
they cause; and...
-
co-parents can team up on to avoid
or reduce these problems, ideally starting in courtship.
Perspective
on "Family Closeness"
All families fall
somewhere on a line between members feeling emotionally close
("bonded"), and emotionally
disinterested in each other ("detached').
Cultures, religions, ethnicity, ancestral traditions, and members' personalities
all shape a family's degree of bonding and cohesion.
On a "closeness" scale of one
(all members are strongly loyal to, and bonded with, each other)
to ten (members are notably
uninterested in each other), how
would you rate your genetic relatives family? ___ Your
partner's biofamily? Your present stepfamily, if any? ___
Early humans depended on tribal closeness in and between families for mutual
protection and survival. Typical kids were
surrounded by large extended families - siblings and cousins, aunts and
uncles, and world-wise grandparents. This has been true in America until just the
last century, as big-scale mechanization has made family farms
uncompetitive, and family members dispersed to different locations and
lifestyles.
Fifty years ago, psychologist Abraham Maslow suggested that typical adults and
kids are motivated by a universal
After satisfying primal needs for
(a) immediate and (b) future physical comforts
and safety, Maslow proposed that our next priorities are (c) to be part of a group -
to belong, and then (d) to be known, accepted, and valued in
the group.
Traditionally, multi-generational ("extended") families have provided a key way to satisfy that
primitive longing in us adults and kids.
Enter technology. As horse-drawn buggies on country lanes have become
swarms of vehicles, trains, and jumbo jets, the extended family in many developed
nations has physically dispersed. Sunday dinner with Grampa and Grandma is now a
cross-country phone call or e-mail to "stay in touch."
Many kids now grow up knowing distant cousins and kin only through photos, phone calls,
stories, and holiday cards.
Gender affects who needs family closeness and who doesn't. In her
interesting book "You Just Don't Understand," linguist Deborah Tannen joins
other social researchers in concluding that typical females have a higher need
for emotional closeness and community than the males they live with. There are
lots of exceptions!
So
some of us need the feeling of family bonds and closeness more than
others. Those that don't need it often never experienced it.
They learned as a child that "family closeness" meant no privacy;
lots of guilt, anxiety, and rules (shoulds and ought to's); and long, boring
gatherings where no one talked to you, and there was no one to play with.
Family identity, pride, and loyalty weren't emphasized by the busy adults,
who may have inherited that attitude from their ancestors.
Where would you put your childhood relatives on the continuum of
"close" to "emotionally distant?" How has that felt to you? You may have taken the closeness or detachment for granted. We say
"That's just the way we (family members) are."
First marriage gives young adults a chance to live in (vs. "know
of") a family somewhere else on the closeness continuum. One partner for
whom "distant" is normal, marries someone who is strongly bonded to,
and in frequent contact with, several generations of genetic and legal
kinfolk. That can range between a "good" experience (acceptance,
fellowship, camaraderie, and warmth) to "bad" - rigidity, intrusiveness, criticism, competition, and
phoniness.
causes fracture lines in some close extended
families. Puritan
and other religious traditions sternly equate divorce with parental and adult failure and sin. The
and
that divorce brings can drive once-close
relatives (specially in-laws) emotionally and geographically far apart. That's
amplified if in-laws originally joined together out of social duty,
politeness, and "niceness," rather than genuinely liking and
enjoying each other.
Re/marriage
after partner death or divorce brings co-parents and kids an even greater chance for
new experience on the family-closeness continuum. Typical stepfamilies
are built from
extended
biofamilies. Their cultures and closeness/detachment styles are much more apt to differ
than the two biofamilies joined by a first marriage.
This
raises the odds that some individuals and subgroups among your 60 to 100+
members will long for, or expect, other members of their big new family
to want to be "close." Part of the awesomely complex job of
and stabilizing these three or more multi-generational biofamilies is everyone learning and gradually
"adapting to" (flexing and accepting) each other's traditions, needs, and expectations about family closeness
and boundaries.
What
can be done if some members of your family don't flex and accept?
Typical Surface Problems
Someone
- a grandparent, uncle, cousin, co-parent, or child, feels significantly "upset"
(rejected + hurt + resentful + disappointed + frustrated + confused) because someone in
their extended stepfamily "doesn't want to socialize." Various
other stepfamily relatives may feel moderately to very upset about this.
To
illustrate the typical surface problems, let's say that Jack and Jill have
just re/married, and that all four of their parents live "not too far
away." Jill is the custodial mom of two "quiet" girls. Her
ex-husband's family was emotionally reserved and cool, like her own
kinfolk. She
and the girls have had little contact with her former in-laws since their
biofamily's separation.
Jack's family tradition is on the "close" end of the
bonding spectrum. They're all used to noisy family barbecues, parties, picnics, vacations,
holidays, and lots of phone calls. Family gatherings are open-house style.
People dress as they wish, bring something for the table, and
kids of all ages are warmly welcome. "Come early, and stay late" is
a traditional part of their members' written and spoken social invitations.
For
reasons lost in history, Jill's family had dispersed geographically, and
"didn't communicate much," beyond polite (dutiful) birthday and
holiday cards. She was used to this, and beyond occasional vague images of
"a nice family reunion," she accepted it as normal. She and her former
husband Charles had no extended-family closeness to miss.
To
celebrate their engagement, Jack's parents invited Jill's parents and married
sister to a festive dinner. Jill's kin came, were warmly welcomed, and were "proper" but
reserved. In the several years that followed, a social pattern emerged: Jack's
parents invited, Jill's parents came, but remained "cool." Her
mother and father
rarely initiated family gatherings with Jack and Jill or Jack's
"people."
The
stepfamily couple decided to have an
"ours"
child, and conceived a robust little boy they named Raymond. Jack's
relatives welcomed the infant with gusto. Jill's parents seemed
pleased but unenthused. That was in keeping with their brittleness about
Jill's sister's two young kids "upsetting things" when they all came
to visit (infrequently).
As
several years passed, tensions grew among the merging biofamilies. Jack
was first puzzled, then uneasy, and increasingly frustrated that their little
son was "growing up lopsided." He began to worry that Ray was
getting messages from Jill's parents that "you don't like me."
His
frustration grew because Jill seemed unconcerned, and wouldn't "talk
to" her parents about "being better grandparents" as Jack
wished. He felt awkward about approaching his in-laws directly. Holidays and
family affairs began to feel tense in and between their homes, as her parents
sensed "something" in Jack's behavior toward them.
Jill
felt torn about the closeness of Jack's boisterous clan. On one hand, it felt
good to experience the (alien) extended-family warmth and concern that she
was learning to trust as genuine. On the other hand, she felt that all the
phone calls, cards, gifts, and mutual entertainments were "a little much," at times. Jack enjoyed these more than she did, and expected her
to want to participate. During their courtship, He unconsciously
assumed that she would. They had never talked together about this.
As a
woman and wife used to family detachment, Jill - an introvert - felt obliged
to "be social" with her new in-laws. The sense of obligation began
to sour into resentment, as Jack didn't seem to hear or honor her need to
"back off some."
Jack's mother and father had each grown up with many sibs, cousins, and kin.
They began making good natured public jokes about Jill's "hermit"
parents. Underneath the humor was a flavor of criticism and resentment. Jack's
parents felt rejected by the other older couple, and disappointment they
wouldn't "join in the fun." They continued to "raise a
fuss" over Raymond and their other grandkids, while his other
grandparents "didn't."
As
months rolled by, tensions gradually escalated among all the adults. The three
kids felt it too, and were confused - fearing they were "bad" in
some way. Jill began making excuses for not going to Jack's family shindigs,
and Jack found himself alone in inviting his folks to their house for informal
dinners and special occasions. Jack and Jill each felt increasingly guilty, unheard,
blamed, and frustrated. Their attempts to "talk things over" didn't
seem to help.
There were other tensions too, over co-parenting, and
child
visitations and
financial support. Jill's youngest daughter seemed to accept and like Jack as a stepdad
"pretty good." Her older sister Paula made it clear she didn't
like Jack, because "I already have a Daddy!" Their were tensions
between Jack and his wife's former husband, Charles, who felt Jack was "too
bossy" with his daughters. Both girls complained to their Mom that they
felt Jack was "unfair," and "nicer" to little Ray than to
them, at times.
Jill
increasingly agreed with them, and hurt for her daughters. Jack said
"Honey, I'm doing the best I can. I think you're a little biased
yourself. You know I love your kids just as much as our boy." That's not
always what his actions showed, despite his goal of "treating all
our kids the same." He began to feel Jill was "too easy" on the
girls, and she felt he was "too rigid and harsh." Again - their
attempts to "talk things out" seemed to yield more frustration.
Jack
felt gusts of resentment at Jill's ex mate because of Charles' erratic child
support and "irresponsible fathering." He also felt critical of
Charles' parents for "not paying proper attention" to their
grandkids, (vs. "my stepdaughters").
Weary of former marital (and all) conflict, Jill balked at confronting Charles
about finances as Jack wished. Neither Jack nor Jill - nor any of their
parents - thought of themselves as a "stepfamily." This confused
Jill's girls, who's teachers and several friends said they were. No one talked
about this.
There were good times, too, contrasting with this deepening web of tension.
Jill and Jack truly loved each other, delighted in and cherished little
Raymond, and had bursts of real fun as a five-some, despite Paula's fierce
loyalty to her biofather Charles.
They
wanted to believe their problems were "normal" (which they
were, for a stepfamily). They didn't want to believe they
were at significant risk of psychological or legal re/divorce. Both partners were reluctant to consider
professional counseling to help sort their growing problems out and resolve
them. Jill "had lousy experience" with prior marital counseling,
feeling the male therapist had sided with Charles and "not listened to
me."
+ + +
What stands out for you about this vignette? Does it seem realistic? Do you
think Jack and Jill's family and marital "problems" will get better or worse
with time? Who do you feel is responsible for improving
some of these "problems" - and how "should" they go about
it? How do you guess the open and unspoken conflicts are affecting Jill's girls and
little Raymond? What may happen if Charles remarries - specially someone with kids?
Should Jack and Jill have another child?
This sketch is a composite of hundreds of real co-parent stories I've heard
since 1981. The main features are these:
1)
Jack criticizing
(a) Jill's parents for "not being good grandparents,"
(using his parents as a model); (b) Charles for
being "an irresponsible father," (c) Charles' parents for being
"uncaring toward their granddaughters," and (d) his wife for
"being too easy on your girls," and "not doing
something about these things."
2)
Jill feeling (a) torn and confused about Jack's relatives' family closeness;
(b) irritated at his
criticism of her parents, and at his "double parenting standards;"
(c) unexpectedly defensive of Charles and his parents; and (d) hurt and angry at
Jack's not listening to her about these.
3)
Ex-husband Charles
felt (a) resentful of Jack's "overstrict" parenting his daughters, and
he (b) retained significant confusion, hurt, and anger over Jill's divorcing him
and "taking his girls away." He didn't know Jack faulted his
parents for "not caring" about the girls.
4)
Jill's parents felt
(secretly)
about
(a) their daughter's divorce, and (b) honestly not wanting
to spend more time with their kids, grandkids, and Jack's relatives. They
also felt irritated and hurt at (c) Jack's covert criticism of them, and (d)
hearing that Jack's parents dubbed them "hermits."
5)
Jack's parents felt disappointed, rejected, and spurned by Jill's parents - based on their needs
for, and expectations of, "family togetherness." They were also
torn and guilty about judging the other grandparents, and increasingly hurt
and saddened by Jill's apparent reluctance to share the "family
times" that they valued. Finally ...
6)
Jill's daughters and their
little half-brother Ray felt increasing
tension in their home, and didn't understand where it came from, or what it
meant. The girls
were used to repressing confusions and worries, and lived with growing
anxiety and insecurity, They remembered all too well the badness
when Mom left Daddy, and took them away.
From these, the general surface problems net out to ...
-
Growing hurt, resentment,
and frustration among different extended
(step)family members over a variety of things, one of which is
significant "differences" over family emotional closeness and
distance. "Differences" usually involves complex right/wrong
judgments, and
several people feeling blamed, misunderstood, and unaccepted (rejected).
-
Repression of these
feelings (and the needs underneath them),
or attempts to "talk
together" (problem solve). As in this vignette, these attempts
between co-parents together and with other relatives often aren't
effective - i.e. they don't lastingly fill all members' various needs,
and lower composite personal and family tensions to "consistently
OK."
A final surface ingredient is ...
If you're in a complex family
situation like this, what can you do?
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/disinterest.htm