The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/disinterest2.htm
Continued...
Identify and Resolve the Primary Problems
A necessary first step toward resolution is to acknowledge ...
-
there are lots of
concurrent
"problems" here,
-
different family members have
different "problems",
-
no one family member can solve
these "problems" alone, and ...
-
each "problem"
is really a complex mix of individual needs that aren't being met
well enough. This implies that tensions will drop and stay down if all
family adults involved get clear on what they each really need, and
negotiate
The learnable skills of
and
can help to do this.
Do you agree?
Next, get clear on the vital difference between
surface needs, and underlying
Focusing
on surface needs (symptoms) usually means the primary needs will keep recurring until you identify and fill them. Becoming
aware of your primary needs requires you to quiet all
and outer "voices" and commotion; focusing; and
listening,
sensing, and accepting your thoughts and feelings without
judgment.
If you're not used to this, it can seem hard! For example, Jill's surface
needs are "to stop feeling torn and uncomfortable about (a) socializing
with Jack's relatives, (b) arguing with her husband over several things, (c)
her daughters' growing anxieties, and (d) disagreements with ex mate
Charles." She has several dozen other dynamic current needs to balance
and fill, too - many of them semi-conscious. Each of these four items has a group of underlying
real needs.
"Stop feeling torn and uncomfortable about socializing with Jack's
relatives" really means "I (Jill) need...
to feel consistently and
genuinely understood,
accepted, and respected by my husband, my kids, and my genetic
and legal relatives (in that order); and I need ...
my husband to want to
compromise and honor my need for more emotional distance with his family;
and underneath those, I need ...
to respect my own feelings,
needs, and values as worthy, and to act in a way that protects my
integrity and dignity without jeopardizing my marriage and my kids' and
my security."
Until you get used to
your underlying
using a skilled objective listener (which
excludes most friends and relatives) can be a high-return investment.
If equally motivated and secure, co-parent partners can help each
other do this vital exploration as teammates.
Once you get "clear enough" on your real needs, a third empowering
project is to prepare to (a) communicate your needs effectively, and
to (b) learn your kids' and relatives' primary needs. Preparation for both these begins with
honestly assessing your attitudes about each person involved. Once again, this may involve going beneath
surface opinions
("Jack's parents are really nice...") to what's real:
who's needs do you generally value
(respect) more: yours, theirs, or both of yours equally?
Your perceived actions (more than your words) will broadcast
to your other family members that will determine your
communication effectiveness.
Once you achieve a genuine mutual-respect attitude, then the next
vital preparation is to learn about effective communications
between your subselves and with other people. Do this by studying and experimenting
with the seven
communication
One of these
skills is respectful
- telling others what you need in a way they
can hear you. Jill and Jack hadn't been able to do that, and they
didn't know what to do about it.
The next option toward resolving the concurrent primary problems here is to
grow your awareness of
and
conflicts, and how to resolve them; and
how to spot and dissolve associated
All three of these normal relationship dynamics promote
inner and interpersonal strife, which inhibit healthy bonding among family
adults and kids. Jack and Jill's situation had many interactive values conflicts, and
they (and their relatives) didn't know how to spot, discuss, and resolve them.
Jack's clan valued family closeness. Jill's family didn't Their group need was
to acknowledge this major difference without judgment, shame, or guilt, and
without trying to convert each other - then to work co-operatively
toward acceptable compromise.
There were also many triangles operating at once, like these:
|
Critic /
"Wounder"
Jack
Jill's
parents
Jack
Jack's
Parents |
Victim /
Target
Jill's
parents
baby Raymond
Charles
(Jill's ex)
Jill's
Parents |
Rescuer /
Defender
Jill
Jack
Jill
Jill |
Such triangles usually generate significant loyalty
conflicts, where one person feels impossibly trapped trying to please two
or more beloved others who are opposed about something (say values) -
and expecting or demanding "loyalty" (side with me!) If
unattended, these often promote re/divorce.
Resolving stepfamily loyalty conflicts requires all participants to get clear
and honest about their real
Those priorities often conflict, internally and interpersonally. That
justifies ...
Another high-payoff preparation for resolving "family-closeness
problems:" becoming experts at discerning
from external or interpersonal disputes. Like most of us, Jack
and Jill were oblivious that when they tried to "talk things over,"
they had three concurrent sets of conflicts: (a) Jack's
internal squabbles plus (b) Jill's inner clashes, underlying
(c) the
several surface battles between their two groups of subselves. From
long habit and social training, they only focused on the latter.
Being aware of, and motivated to own and resolve, inner conflicts is a
big step. It requires Jack and Jill
to (a) develop and use the skill of
and to
(b) take personal responsibility for filling their own needs, rather
than wishing or demanding that their partner (or someone) fill the needs for
them. Can you and your partner do that pretty consistently?
Open minded, courageous co-parenting partners who really explore their
inner
conflicts honestly will usually discover their lives are being unconsciously
directed by a well-meaning, inept
That means a group of unruly, reactive
are shaping Jack's and Jill's family role and relationship
expectations and decisions every day, instead of their wise, far-seeing
true
Selves. Protective false selves seem to form automatically to
survive
childhood years. More than any of the other factors above, I believe
false-self
is the root cause
of conflicts like the family-closeness struggle we're exploring here.
How can you tell if you and other key family members (including minor and
grown kids) are unconsciously
ruled by a (well-meaning) false self? Commit to
exploring
here:
for false-self
wounding. A follow-on option you have is to ask your co-parenting
partners and key relatives to assess themselves, also - for your and your
minor children's sakes.
One tragic trait of false-self dominance is a reduced ability to
with others - i.e. to form true emotional/
attachments (vs.
I suspect that this, plus a brew of
long-hidden
and
causes afflicted families to
be on
the "detached" end of the closeness continuum. The same is true for
married mates, who range from enmeshed
(compulsively over-bonded) through interdependent, to independent (detached, weakly
bonded).
My experience since 1981 with over 1,000 typical American co-parents is at
least 85% of us were significantly dominated by false selves and
didn't know it. Once false-self wounds are identified and accepted (vs.
denied), true personal
can
your
to natural leadership of
your other subselves (personality), over time. Recovery !
Let's sum up. Suggestions for identifying the
real problems underlying
extended-stepfamily conflicts over family closeness and
"disinterest" net out to ...
1) acknowledge there are
a set of significant relationship problems, and decide to work on any
that you have - vs. feeling responsible for fixing others' problems);
2) prepare to resolve
your problem/s by ...
-
Working toward an
"=/=" attitude of mutual respect for yourself and others
involved;
-
Learning the difference
between surface needs and underlying primary needs, and
unearthing your primary needs in this complex situation;
-
Learning seven
effective-communication skills, and encouraging other family members to
do the same;
-
Learning how to spot and
resolve values and loyalty conflicts, and relationship
triangles together; and ...
-
Learn to separate inner
conflicts from interpersonal conflicts, and take responsibility for
yours, without excessive guilt, shame, or resentment. This usually
leads to ...
-
Self-motivated assessing for
symptoms false-self wounding, and if found, shifting leadership of your
inner family (personality)
to your true Self over time, by real (vs. pseudo) recovery.
How do you feel about these resolution steps? Know anyone who's tried them, with or
without counseling? I'd be surprised if you did. Know anyone who has major
divorced-family or stepfamily conflict? I believe they would benefit greatly from these
steps, and so would their kids! Once family adults progress on preparation steps like these, they're
ready to come together and effectively resolve their conflicts as
vs. opponents. This usually involves honest mutually-respectful
discussion, everyone understanding what each person really needs, and
brainstorming and experimenting with
win-win
compromises.
This might look like Jack and Jill sitting down first with Jack's parents,
then with Jill's. The younger couple would be clear and agreed that their
marriage was second only to their respective integrities and wholistic healths. They would
honestly discuss the difference between Jill's family tradition of emotional
detachment, and Jack's family's valuing closeness, and assert their needs respectfully. The initial discussion goals would be mutual understanding and acceptance. If those
evolved, the next objective would be to use the seven communication skills to
find some compromises to their different values and loyalty conflicts that were
acceptable to all - including the kids.
Two possible outcomes of these discussions are
(a) most or all
members willingly flex toward respectful acceptance of each other's values and
needs without judgment or resentment, or (b) one or more relatives don't
flex and accept "enough." In that case, family members who remain
"upset" will harvest a better life quality by
what they can't change, letting go of trying to control or change others,
and focusing on other problems and opportunities.
Reality: some families bond better than others...
If these steps looks like a lot of hard work which includes taking
significant risks and making some basic life and relationship changes - it
is. As always, you can look at such steps as an onerous duty,
or a challenging investment of time and effort that will yield priceless
results. Is your glass half full, or half empty?
Recap
Two universal, primal opposing human needs are for community and privacy. One
of the minor to major stressors in all families rises from members' differing
needs for emotional closeness and distance. Because typical stepfamilies are
built from three or more extended biofamilies trying to
the chance of significant
inner and interpersonal disputes over family
closeness and distance is higher than in typical intact biofamilies.
When some stepfamily relatives are "upset" (hurt, confused,
frustrated, angry) because other relatives appear "disinterested" in
socializing or bonding, there are a series of proactive steps the upset adults
can take to attempt resolution. This article proposes a sequence of such steps. The steps are based on adults' respecting each family
member's right to choose and
their own comfort level
without major guilt, vs. following ethnic,
ancestral, social, and media "musts" and "shoulds."
One of the ~60 differences between typical
stepfamilies and intact biofamilies is that the overall bonding, or emotional
attachment, among blood and legal relatives is generally weaker in
stepfamilies. This is specially true in new stepfamilies. When that happens,
even to excess (in someone's opinion), no one is wrong or "bad"!
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