The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/money.htm
This is one of a series of non-profit
Web articles suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily
relationship problems. This Solutions sub-series focuses on solving
common
between step-relatives. Most
ideas also apply to divorced biofamilies. This
gives perspective on this
non-profit divorce-prevention site, and ideas on how to best use it. The ideas here aim to augment, not replace,
other qualified
professional
The
"/" in re/married and re/divorced notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union. Co-parent means any caregiving adult in a
Following
any link will open a summary popup or a new browser window. Use your
browser's "back" button to return here from new windows.
Some stepfamily research has concluded that money is
the second most common stepfamily (surface) stressor, after child-raising
confusions and conflicts.
This article...
hilights common surface money-related disputes among steprelatives,
proposes what the underlying primary problems are, and...
illustrates
practical
resolution-options for these problems.
This article is similar to others
on money-related conflicts between
ex mates and
spouses.
Get more from reading this by
first studying and discussing...
-
factors promoting
families
and relationships;
-
this
introduction to
the
that govern normal
like yours;
-
typical stepfamilies face, and the primary
they cause;
-
co-parents can team up on to avoid
or resolve these problems, as they
their three or more biofamilies over years
of patient effort; and...
-
basic suggestions
about optimizing roles and relationships among stepfamily relatives.
To
make your time more productive, try saying out loud specifically why
you're reading this article: what do you need?
Perspective
Across eras and civilizations, money ranks with lust, religion,
hunger, and freedom as a primal human motivator. Money can
bring power, social status, freedom, security, relief, and pleasure. Seeking
or losing these can
evoke the full range of intense human emotions. Acquiring and spending money are
to some wounded
people.
All families have financial "problems."
Typical stepfamilies have more
financial strife than intact biofamilies, because of (a)
unresolved divorce issues and (b) having to merge
multi-generational ("extended") biofamilies with potentially very different
assets and values
about wealth, debts, and security. "Money problems" are part of a
mosaic of stepfamily stressors within and
between co-parents' and relatives' homes.
This
site proposes that typical social role and relationship problems are usually
surface symptoms of deeper unfilled needs. Until co-parents become
aware of this and focus on co-operatively filling their
problem symptoms usually keep recurring. Let's look at some...
Typical
Surface Problems
See if you recognize any of these common financial disagreements among stepkin. The details vary
infinitely, and the themes are constant. None of these problems
happen in the same way in intact biofamilies:
A grandparent makes a new
will, and causes hurt and resentment by leaving nothing (or less) to their
stepgrandkids.
A stepmother's mom and dad
deeply resent that their new son-in-law spends more money on his own kids
than on his stepchild, their grandchild.
An uncle loans money to his
bio-nephew for college tuition, but balks at loaning his brother's
stepdaughter money for her education.
A stepfather's sister is
publicly contemptuous that her brother's wife refuses to sue her ex husband for
back-due child support, and that her brother won't "make your bimbo
stand up for herself and her poor kids."
At year-end holiday
gatherings, a well-to-do family matriarch lavishes gifts on her genetic
relatives, and inexpensive token gifts on her steprelatives. She
scathingly denies this, and/or shames anyone who confronts her on it.
At a large holiday stepfamily dinner, an opinionated grandfather criticizes his daughter's new husband
for giving his visiting children "such a skimpy allowance."
Hostility flares between a re/married
couple's four parents because one senior couple won't co-sign on a loan
for the younger couple's major house repair.
Stepfamily tensions rise
because an ex wife's father scornfully condemns his teen grandkids' new
stepmother for "selfishly making them pay for their own car
insurance."
What are you thinking now? How would you react in stepfamily situations like
these? They're just a few of the scores of silly to destructive
surface disputes that can simmer or seethe between stepfamily relatives.
Though the details of such situations vary infinitely, there are...
Two or more (usually more) stepfamily adults have a
over someone's opinion, decision, action, or value about...
-
Something of significant financial value to someone;
causing...
-
"bad feelings" among
two or more stepfamily members - i.e. mixes of confusion, hurt, resentment,
guilt, shame, anger, contempt, and anxiety. These feelings...
-
temporarily or chronically polarize individual
homes and the extended stepfamily into groups of
which...
-
causes some (a) kids to feel uneasy and "bad;"
(b) re/married
couples to distance, fight, or unite; and (c) involved stepfamily members
and supporters to feel
"uncomfortable" to various degrees. These...
-
promote (a) avoidances,
disrespects, distrusts, and phony politeness; which (b) lower
family-members' motivation to form relationships; unless...
-
someone tries to "make things better": e.g. confronts the
antagonists, and/or tries to mediate the financial disagreements -
with or without "outside help." This can...
-
(a) reduce some or most family tensions, (b) have no effect, or (c) increase
relationship
among stepfamily relatives.
Does this summary match your life experience? Each of these elements can (a)
increase family stress or (b) be a focus for reducing "financial"
conflicts. Which stepfamily member/s would you say are responsible for (a)
understanding and accepting this sequence, and (b) resolving it?
If some of your stepfamily relatives are significantly stressed about
surface "money issues," what causes them, and how can you all...
Identify and Resolve
the Primary Problems
Premise: in
situations like those above, money is
not the problem. Surface stressors like these occur because
two or more stepfamily members...
are
they're ruled by a narrow-visioned, reactive
Combined with other primary problems below, false-self
promote
and mutual conflicts,
perceptions, and inhibit effective communication and
and/or...
ignore,
discount, or dispute their stepfamily
and unconsciously rely on inappropriate
biofamily expectations
about roles, relationships, and money to themselves and each other; and/or
they...
disagree
on who
to their stepfamily ("Pat's ex wife's opinion about Marla's college
fund doesn't count!"), and aren't motivated to resolve the hurt, resentment,
and confusion that causes; and/or...
the
step-relatives are distracted from identifying their primary
money-related needs by some of these
relationship
and (a) they don't know that, or (b) how to reduce the barriers;
and/or they...
have
about
something related to money, and (a) don't know that or (b) how to resolve
values conflicts effectively. The values can include opinions about how
"good" (bio)family members are supposed to earn, save, spend,
invest, bequeath, share, talk about, and feel about "financial
responsibility," "money" and "debts;" and/or several stepfamily members...
are
caught in one or more
and associated relationship
and (a) aren't aware of that or (b) how to resolve these common
stressors effectively together; and the conflicted step-relatives...
don't know how to (a)
their respective
(b)
them effectively, and/or how to (c) do
win-win
together.
Once
stepfamily adults are aware of these primary problems, they can improve each
of them, over time. Pause, breathe,
and notice your thoughts and feelings now. If you have a specific "money
problem" with some step-relative/s now, try to imagine the problem is
really one or more of these primary causes.
Continue
with options for reducing these
primary problems...
<<
Prior page /
Add to favorites
/
Print page
/
Email this article's address
>>
