If Linda and Jim aren't sure whether her parents see them all as a stepfamily, they can ask the older people directly. The reason to do
so is to assess if Linda's parents are unconsciously applying biofamily
"shoulds and oughts" to this "money" situation.
Even if the older couple
says "Yes, we're a stepfamily," they probably believe some of the ~60 com-mon
stepfamily myths, without knowing it. If this seems a problem to Linda
and Jim (which presumes they have studied and discussed these stepfamily
realities
they can offer to give her parents copies of those pages or the related
guidebook, to help the grandparents' form realistic expectations.
It's normal for a divorcing
bioparent to favor his or her genetic kids, despite wanting to treat all
their dependent kids "fairly." This is specially likely if they
haven't resolve significant divorce-related
Note that all four co-parents and
their parents have to
their hurts, disappointments, angers, and guilts about the two divorces
preceding the couple's remarriage.
Asking the older couple what they need may reveal that their
criticism of Jim's preferential spending may be partly caused by their
guilt over the divorce trauma their daughter and granddaughter experienced.
One or both seniors also may not have
the painful loss of their daughter's first family.
Honest problem-solving
talk and respectful listening among the four (or more) adults may
shift the focus from criticisms about Jim's spending and
favoritism
to helping each other (a) resolve their divorce-related
guilts and (b)
their sets of
If Linda and Jim help each other to...
...they may motivate Linda's
parents to
and fill the primary needs causing their resentment about Jim's preferential
spending on his kids. If this seems like a lot of work - it is! So is
trying to maintain the marriage and family relations without doing the
work.
|
This best-case outcome
is unlikely if one or more of the four adults is significantly
and needs to
or ignore that. Co-parent
provides an effective way to
whether this is true, and if so, what to
about it. See these options for
relating well-enough to significantly-wounded people.
|
Review these primary causes
of most family "money" conflicts, and mull whether the steps in this
(simplified) example could significantly reduce them. Above all, note that
the web of personal and inter-personal problems in the example is
not
about money or fairness.
The core problems are each
person's unmet needs to feel genuinely respected, understood,
accep-ted, and valued by the others, and to feel competent at asserting their
values, and filling their needs. These core needs may also include (a)
learning stepfamily
and realities, (b) admitting and reducing major guilts, and/or (c) grieving
major losses.
Reality Check
Recall why you began reading this article. Then take stock of what you now
believe: A = "I agree," D = "I disagree," and
? = "I'm
not sure," or "It depends on (what?)":
My
partner and I are
each usually
by our true Selves,
or we're patiently
working to
achieve that together. (A D ?)
We both (a) accept that we're a
normal
stepfamily, and (b) we're clear on what that means. (A D
?)
We
each accept that most stepfamily role and
relationship problems are symptoms of underlying
(A D ?)
We place high priority on
helping each other learn how and when to use the seven communication
(A D ?)
We each can clearly describe the
process of win-win
and we usually help each other (a) use that process, and (b) avoid these
and
blocks. (A
D ?)
My partner and I have evolved an
effective strategy for spotting and resolving
values and loyalty
conflicts, relationship triangles, or we're patiently helping each other to do so now.
(A D ?)
My partner and/or I have a
significant problem now with one or more relatives that seems to be
about "money." (A D ?)
We (a) have
what we each really need to resolve this problem, and (b) we want to
respectfully invite each of our relatives to identify their primary
needs. (A D ?)
We're each clear on how to
apply these wise
to our "money" problem. (A D ?)
We
partners (a) now agree our problem is not about money, and (b)
we're clear on our options for filling our and our relative's primary
needs, over time. (A D ?)
We accept that we may have to resolve
relationship problems before we can do this. (A D ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice your
now. What does
it teach you?
Recap
Getting, saving, owing, accounting, investing, and spending money causes everyone
"problems."
Members of typical divorcing families
and stepfamilies are more likely to have such problems (and others) than
typical biofamily relatives. Though the details of money-related
family conflicts vary infinitely, there are common
themes to them all.
This
article describes typical surface "money-related" disputes among
family relatives, and hilights common primary
problems
that cause them. The article includes an example of how a
couple might work to identify their and their relatives' primary
money-related needs, and help each other fill them. The article closes with
a reality check to help you asses how you and any partner stand with the
ideas proposed here.
The
options here apply to any dispute among divorcing-family or stepfamily
relatives over "money." Four core themes are vital for effective
family-conflict resolution:
-
All adults wanting to have their
guide their
and...
-
accepting their stepfamily
and what it
and wanting to evolve
realistic
stepfamily expectations; and...
-
co-parents agreeing on their
long-term
family
and long-term
and patiently helping each other overcome any
to co-parenting
then...
-
helping each other (a) gain
fluency in seven
(b) genuine
for all kids and adults concerned, and (c) steady desire to learn how to
problem-solve
effectively.
How are you and your
doing with these themes, so far?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/money.htm