This article offers ideas on how co-parent couples can adapt to
relatives who don't accept (so far) that you're all in a
together. Doing this is part of
co-parent
- accepting your stepfamily identity
and agreeing who belongs to your stepfamily.
To get the most from this article, first read...
-
this slide presentation of
stepfamily basics
-
summary: how typical multi-home stepfamilies
differ from intact
biofamilies
-
these basic suggestions
for more harmony among stepfamily relatives
-
this
introduction to normal personality subselves (like yours)
-
most stepfamily
re/marriages are significantly stressed, and the primary
they cause
-
the
co-parent can team up on to
prevent and reduce stress in and between their homes, over time -
ideally starting in courtship.
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Typical stepfamilies are
in some ways to intact biofamilies - and
differ on over 60 other ways.
These differences have major
for stepfamily adults and kids. From
27 years' professional experience with hundreds of
average Midwestern-U.S. stepfamilies. I observe that typical stepfamily
relatives (a) don't (want to) know these many differences, and (b) ignore or reject
the appropriate label of
stepfamily.
This family-
confusion
promotes significant problems by expecting the family to feel and act
like an intact biofamily.
Premise: co-parents'
is
one of
that stress most
stepfamily re/marriages and homes. The stress causes millions of
re/marriages to
eventually break up psychologically or legally, after years of growing
dissatisfactions. This lack of awareness is potentially deadly,
because typical courting or newly-re/wedded co-parents (like you?)
don't know that it threatens their and their
kids' health and welfare, so they see no reason to learn what they need to
know - until crises occur.
|
A
common toxic unawareness is genetic and legal kinfolk not knowing, or denying, that they're members of a
multi-home stepfamily. Such people don't know that... |
average U.S. stepfamilies
appear to
psychologically or legally more often than typical biofamilies.
This puts all members at risk
of (more) significant trauma and
family role and relationship
expectations
that are normal in intact biofamilies often don't work in - or even harm
- stepfamily re/marriages and co-parenting relationships. This means that
well-meant
advice that
supporters offer troubled or new stepfamily members may stress
them;
and
typical step-relatives are unaware that...
all kids and adults in their
new
have to revise up to 15
traditional
and invent up to
- e.g. step cousin, half
brother, visiting stepsister - over time. This requires developing and agreeing on titles, names, and rules
(shoulds and oughts) to go with each role. Family members are more
comfortable when they feel consistently "I know what to expect from, and how to act with, each of my
many other stepfamily members - in a variety of normal and special
situations."
|
Note that relatives rejecting your stepfamily identity is different
than rejecting stepfamily membership ("You may be in a
stepfamily, but I don't belong to it!"). Family
merit separate consideration.
|
A prerequisite for solving family-identity problems with relatives is all co-parents
(including both divorced parents) accepting (a) their step-identity
("Yes, we are a stepfamily."),
and (b) what it
This
article assumes that you and any partner have
accepted these, by working at co-parent
and
If not, I suggest you re-focus on
doing that first, before reducing problems
with your relatives.
How can you tell if you have a significant problem with relatives rejecting
your stepfamily identity?
Problem Symptoms
Some kinfolk are blatant about denying you all are a stepfamily, while others
can be subtle, or may never have thought about it. "Blatant" sounds
something like "We are not a stepfamily. We are just a
regular (or "normal") family - period!"
Another version of blatant: "I wish you'd stop calling her Gina's stepmother.
She's Armando's wife, OK?"
Avoiding or rejecting stepfamily
at home and/or in public are sure signs the person is confused about
or
uncomfortable with their
"step-" identity. A third sign is an adult who habitually avoids talking about prior family
divorces, re/marriages, and/or former in-laws. Here are some other
typical symptoms.
If some or all of your relatives aren't overt about accepting or rejecting your
stepfamily identity, ask them. That might sound like "Uncle
Walt, do you agree that when I married Marla, that made
us all a stepfamily, and made you a step-uncle to her kids?" If you're uneasy about asking,
there's probably some other unfinished business worth problem-solving...
Note that it's your and your mate's
responsibility to initiate this important identity research.
You're potential rewards are (a) avoiding psychological or legal
and
(b) protecting dependent kids from (more) family trauma. It's unlikely that your relatives will initiate an
"identity check."
Some re/marrying co-parents and kin are already in
stepfamily because they're an adult stepchild, or because their ex
or a sibling has committed to someone with existing (prior) kids. If true for you, this
stepfamily-identity issue may have already come up. Even if your
relatives agree on your clan's "step-hood," your partner's kin
(including "ex in-laws") may not have agreed on (a) who
you all are yet, and/or (b) on what step-hood
to you all.
If you do query some relatives to learn their position,
be ready to explain why
you're asking. It's a chance to do some useful stepfamily education at the same
time. If "Uncle Walt" (or whoever) asks "Why is that important?" Do you have a clear answer beyond "Oh, I was just curious."?
For perspective, follow the links in
this
If you and your partner poll at least the relatives you have
significant contact with, you'll probably come up with a mix of reactions. Some will say
"Sure we're a stepfamily." Others (a) will be unsure, (b) may
strongly reject the reality, or (c) pretend to go along, to avoid
something.
If you get any of these responses, you partners need to decide whether that merits some effort. For
illustration,
the rest of this article focuses on a
common problem: one or more of your kids' co-grandparents denies,
rejects, or minimizes your step-identity.
Another common problem is that one of you mates, and/or an ex mate, has a sibling who's opinions are powerful in your home and/or your
If you or your partner identify a grandparent or sibling who rejects or
ignores your
stepfamily identity and you don't confront them on this,
you (a) don't yet appreciate the long-term value of doing so, or (b) you may fear
something. Both of these are probable signs that you and/or your partner are ruled by a
protective
Identify and
Confront the Primary Problems
If a co-grandparent or sibling is unsure whether
you all are a stepfamily, ask if s/he's clear on
what
a stepfamily is. This presumes you are clear! Option: copy this
summary of
stepfamily
facts, and ask your relative/s to read and discuss it with you. Then ask if they now agree that you all are a stepfamily.
Words can make a difference here. Some people
dislike
the prefix "step-". That's often because they semi-consciously associate that
with (a) being "second best" or "unnatural," and with (b) prior
marital and perhaps parenting "failure." These are misconceptions.
Stepfamilies have probably outnumbered
biofamilies throughout human history until recent medical and nutritional
advances. Stepfamilies usually have more people-resources
(members) than typical
intact biofamilies, and can be just as nourishing and warm if adult members
to create those
blessings over time
|
doesn't have to be seen as a shameful "failure" if people understand
factually what caused it: a mix of unseen
psychological
+
unwise (need-driven, unaware) commitment
+ ineffective communication
|
If you clarify what a stepfamily is and grandparents or siblings still resist
accepting your step-identity, you partners have at least three choices:
Accept their resistance,
and work on helping your kids accept your stepfamily identity
and what it means despite their relatives' difference of opinion;
Accept the resistance for
now, use stepfamily titles, terms, and implications openly and non-combatively with
those relatives, and wait patiently to see if they change their
minds over time; or...
Don't accept their
resistance, and confront them respectfully now on your important
In choosing one of these, you mates probably have many factors to
consider.
Consider using this
scheme for
long-term
success: except in emergencies,
mates put your personal
first, your
re/marital
health second, and all else third.
Doing this protects all of you from potential re/divorce trauma. For
perspective, consider this "Key to Mental Health"...
"Settle for disorder in
lesser things for the sake of order in greater things;
Therefore, be content to be discontent in many things."
Let's explore your third option:
Respectful Confrontation
Here, confrontation means "co-parents...
-
and respectfully
their opinions and primary needs about stepfamily identity to key
relatives, and...
-
to learn the relatives' opinions and needs, so they all can...
-
do win-win
together to fill everyone's primary needs well enough.
How does this compare to your and your
partner's definitions of confrontation?
Resolution of any family role or relationship problem begins with (a) mates
their true Selves in charge, (b)
and
their primary needs, and (c) resolving
and mutual conflicts about their most important current needs - as
teammates. In other words, get in synch with your mate (if any), before
tackling "identity" problems with relatives.
Use these
communication
and resources, and this
framework to
resolve any problems together. If you mates have trouble agreeing,
suspect that well-meaning false selves
are in the way and refocus on progressing at
together.
If you partners choose to
one or more relatives, keep other family members appropriately informed:
tell your kids and
other co-parents what you're doing, and why. To raise your odds of success,
consider these choices:
Option:
help
each other stay focused on one thing at a time! Typical stepfamilies have lots of concurrent conflicts
on things like stepfamily identity; membership; names and
titles; family roles (responsibilities) and related rules; priorities; rituals
and
traditions; assets and debts; and parenting values, goals, and styles. (Whew!)
Co-parent couples who (a) are each
by their true
Self, and (b) are developing their
can raise their
effectiveness by respectfully reminding each other
to stay focused on one or two problems at a time. Co-parents ruled by a
false self may grow
overwhelmed by a maze of concurrent
and mutual uncertainties and conflicts. This promotes avoidances, impulsive,
reactive decisions, fights, and/or paralysis. Any bells ringing?
Option: help each other to be aware
of the
you're
sending and receiving. "R" stands for respect - an
essential
for effective communication. Use
and
skills to
spot "1-up" or "1-down" R-messages, and replace
them with "=/=" (mutual
respect) attitudes. People ruled by
have great trouble with this, until
real personal
helps convert old
to genuine self respect. How are you doing with that
vital project? How about
your partner? See
From old childhood reflexes, co-parents are used to respecting their
parents' and grandparents' needs, opinions, and dignity more than their own. If
true for you, (a)
your Self
(b) evolve a credible Personal
Bill of Rights, and (c) authorize your subselves to use it with
your relatives - with
minimal
guilt, shame, and anxiety! Expect strong resistance from your false self
and your relatives - and do it anyway!
As you (a) sort out your problems and goals, and (b) prepare to confront your relatives on
their not accepting your
stepfamily identity, another useful option is to
help each other remember the difference
between surface needs and
This
will help you avoid focusing fruitlessly on surface problems (symptoms), and
missing the core needs that cause them. All behavior - including communication
- aims to reduce each person's current
Option: many divorced-family and
stepfamily adults are
of too little early-childhood
One implication is they may be
unable to
and/or
well. Frozen
mourning can hinder or block new-stepfamily members from bonding over time.
Your relatives' resistance to accepting your stepfamily identity may be a
symptom of their inability to mourn significant losses related to prior
death, divorce, or other major traumas.
| Use the tools in
to
compassionately assess whether the relative/s who deny your
stepfamily identity are stuck somewhere in the
three-level
Stuck or not, help each other intentionally evolve a
family environment. Consider talking to
your relatives about your perceptions, while accepting that
persuade or force them to grieve. |
Note that
blocked grief usually signals
unawareness of (a) significant false-self
and (b) healthy mourning
basics and
Co-parent
provides
people who are ready to
with a
practical way
to identify and reduce their wounds.
Co-parent
can help you all thaw frozen grief and evolve a
home and stepfamily.
Option: identify the spoken and silent rules
in your childhood families about grieving. Outdated rules like
"It's wrong (weak, shameful) to cry in public" may inhibit your
relatives' inner and social
to grieve. Ask your relatives about your
and their ancestors' rules about (a) publicly acknowledging losses, and (b) feeling and
(c) expressing the confusion, rage, and sadness that indicate healthy
mourning. Try describing your respective childhood-family
on grieving,
and see what you learn...
Option: you partners
grow your fluency with these seven communication
before trying any important
confrontation with your relatives - i.e. work patiently on
together. The skills of
and
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/sf-id.htm