The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/kin/sf-id2.htm
Continued...
Now you know (a) what a stepfamily identity conflict is, (b) why it's
important to you and your kids, and (c) three options you have for
responding to relatives who resist accepting your identity and/or what it
means. The most challenging option is respectfully confronting such relatives.
Let's make the abstract ideas on the first page more real by an
illustration...
Example: Confronting "Dad"
Let's assume that you mates have agreed you want to confront, say, one of your
fathers, who is
outspoken and opinionated in denying your stepfamily identity; and (b) you've reviewed and followed
any guidelines on page 1 that feel relevant to your situation. Recall:
confrontation
means "co-parents (a)
and respectfully
their opinions and primary needs (about stepfamily identity), and (b)
empathically
to their relatives' opinions and needs, to (c) begin a win-win
process.
Let's further assume that none of you have lived in a stepfamily before,
that you've never talked with your Dad honestly about your prior divorce, and
that you have two minor kids living with you - his new stepgrandkids. Finally,
let's assume that his wife usually "goes along with Dad." and defers
to his opinion here.
You've asked if he agrees that you're all a stepfamily, and he blusters
and say's something like "That's ridiculous. Step-schmep - we don't
need to use silly words like that, we're just a family!"
How might you
plan and do an effective confrontation?
This example is meant to illustrate your key options, not be a rigid formula. Adapt these steps to fit your personalities and unique situation.
Use the
numbers to help you partners discuss specific options together if you're
each reading a copy of this page.
As with most significant assertions, your odds for success rise if
you mates plan
a confrontation with your father, rather than barging in impulsively.
Planning Options
1)
Do
a
"Self check." Are your and your partner's respective true Selves
this assertion? If not, which
have taken over, and why? Do you each know how to
your Self (capital "S") to guide your
If
not, (a) lower your expectations about this confrontation succeeding, and
(b) give
higher priority together.
2)
Affirm your
rights as persons to assert your needs, opinions, and values to
Dad without undue guilt or anxiety. Refresh your belief
that respectful confrontation here will (a) strengthen your self esteems
and your remarriage, and probably (b) raise your stepfamily's nurturance
level, and improve your and your kids' security and well-being;
3)
Affirm
Dad's dignity and
rights to his own values and opinions. He's not
wrong, he has
that shape his
stepfamily-identity rejection. He and his wife
may also lack some factual information about stepfamilies, since they've had
no prior reason to learn it.
4) Get clear
on what you need, specifically, from the confrontation. Some common
goals might be...
we need this
assertion to come from you and me together, not just one of us; and...
we want Dad and Mom to
hear why we think this identity-agreement is important for all of
us; then we need...
him and Mom to genuinely
accept our identity as a stepfamily (or some equivalent term),
and then...
agree to use some
we all agree on to refer to his relationship with his new
daughter-in-law and two stepgrandkids - without sarcasm, ambivalence,
or embarrassment; and...
we want him and Mom to feel
and
by us, and we want the same from him; and finally...
we want the kids and their
other co-parents to know what we're doing here, and why.
If we can't get these
needs met, we'll settle for ("plan B")...
Mom and Dad's agreeing to read the
information about
stepfamilies that we provide, and then discuss it with us; and then...
we need both of them to try out
seeing and calling us a "stepfamily," to see what it "feels like."
Either way (plan A or B), we need...
Dad and Mom's acceptance that
we'll choose to use stepfamily
terms and
even if they don't agree with
them yet (".. so Anna's son is your step-grandson, and you're his
step-grandfather."); not to control or manipulate them, but because we feel it's best for
all of us, long term.
If appropriate, another planning option is...
5)
Decide on
a time and place which will minimize distractions
(like phones, kids, TV) and optimize effective mutual listening.
Then you mates discuss who you
should be present. If Dad is particularly proud (competitive,
defensive), perhaps a 1-on-1 is
better than having Mom there. If you choose that, also decide if you want to
tell Mom in advance of what you're doing. A related decision is whether to have your kids or selected others present
to (a) experience the confrontation process and (b) feel like they're
important and included. Depending
on many things, this is a chance to model how grownups resolve significant
respectfully for
everyone.
6)
Imagine compassionately what responses Dad is likely to
make to your assertion, and prepare for them. If this is a
potentially explosive situation, you mates consider role-playing how you'd (a)
use
to his likely responses,
and then (b)
your specific needs
calmly and respectfully.
7)
Agree on a
way of affectionately reminding your partner to stay focused if someone
brings up another family issue before you're done with this family-identity
assertion. This might be a hand signal, a sound, an eye roll, or a word or
two...
8) Remind
yourselves that clear, effective assertions often bring new awarenesses to
light. If that happens with your Dad, be prepared to shift gears to
a new issue, and deferring resolution of this identity-conflict to
another time. Stay flexible and resilient, and pace yourself...
"Progress, not perfection..."
9)
Do
a final
attitude check:
are you looking at this process as a chance to improve your stepfamily
relationships long term, or is this an onerous, scary chore that you
(your ruling subselves) resent? The former usually has higher odds of success. Finally...
Act on Your Plan
Assert your
opinions and primary needs to Dad (and any others), and use
and
to assess the outcome. Did you
(a) get enough of your needs met (b) in a
way that felt good enough? Affirm your effort, and clarify what you
learned together.
Notice what you're thinking and feeling now.
Have you ever planned an
assertion as thoroughly as this, in a high-emotion conflict? If it looks like
a lot of work, it probably is. And the payoffs are probably high for
you all, long term. Do you care enough about your stepfamily relationships to
invest this effort? Your actions demonstrate your real
here, and who's
directing your
more than your words.
Example: Handling "Resistances"
Here's how
a new stepfather might respond to his Dad's resistances to "acknowledging that
we're a stepfamily," using (a) an
of mutual respect,
and
(b) communication awareness, assertion
and empathic listening skills. In this vignette, "You" are the
stepdad, your new wife is
Penny, your Mom is Janet, and your resident stepkids are Nate and
Becky.
You're asserting to your Father with Penny present, and your Mom and the kids absent.
You - "Dad, we
really need your help with something. You've said you don't feel it's
necessary to call us a stepfamily - and we do. Would you listen to our reasons?"
Dad - "I still feel
it's nuts..."
You - "You see no
point to this." (Empathic listening - Dad nods and grunts in
agreement, feeling heard.) "And we really
need you to listen to our reasons - will you do that now?" (Patient
re-assertion)
Dad - "Well don't
take all day about it. What do you want to tell me?"
You - "As you know,
a stepfamily has at least one stepchild and one stepparent. That's true of us.
I'm obviously not the biological father of Nate and Becky, yet I'm
co-parenting them with Penny. I'm their stepfather, Dad, and they're my
stepkids."
Dad - "I understand
that. What I don't see is why you need to use this term 'step.' Why not
just say they're 'our kids'?"
You - "You see no value to using
'step' here." (Empathic listening again -
respectfully summarizing what he said, without judgment, explanation, or question).
Dad - "Right.
What's the big deal - am I missing something here?"
You - "Yes, you are. Penny
and I have been reading about stepfamilies, Dad. They're more likely to
divorce than first marriages - and we don't want that to happen to us and the
kids. Once is enough!"
Dad - "Mm. I didn't
know that. And you think us calling ourselves 'steppeople' is going to prevent
that?"
Penny - "Not by
itself, Frank, no. What we're learning is that if we don't use stepfamily
titles - like stepson, stepfather, and stepgrandfather (smile), we risk
thinking and acting like an intact biological family."
Dad - "Well what's wrong
with that? A family's just a family - people living together, and so on..."
You - "You feel
there's no difference." (Empathic listening - Dad nods). "Dad, we just
learned that stepfamilies like ours are different than average
biological families in over 60 ways! That means that standard
biofamily norms and expectations often don't work in a stepfamily. They cause
problems, and Penny and I don't want 'em for any of us!"
Dad - "I don't get
it. What's so different about a stepfamily?"
Penny - "Yeah, we
didn't get it either, until we began to read and think about this." (She
hands Frank copies of
this and
this.)
"Would you and Janet just take the time to read these? It's about all
of us. Then let's talk again about who we are, and what to call each other. We
really want our marriage and this family to work!"
Dad - "We want that too, Penny. We sure don't want a repeat of... well, we don't want to
go through that again. Sure, we'll read this. Doesn't look real
complicated."
You - "Thanks, Dad. We
really need your and Mom's help here."
Does this read like a "confrontation"? How would you have navigated
this exchange? Notice how this sequence could have turned out much
different if "You" didn't use empathic listening to acknowledge
"Dad's" views and feelings. The normal alternative is to argue
("Yes, but..."), interrupt, lecture, generalize, accuse, get
and/or bring up old baggage ("You never listen!").
Because you (a) expected Dad to resist, and (b) didn't judge him badly
for it, you avoided an argument and some "bad feelings." (c) Dad felt heard
(respected), so (d) his
stayed "below his ears" and
(e) he could hear you and Penny. When
that happened, he was willing to do what you asked - read about stepfamilies,
and perhaps try calling you all a stepfamily and
acknowledging his strange new role as Nate and Becky's step-grandfather.
If your Mother and/or anyone else had been present, the process would have
taken longer, but the theme would be the same: (a) prepare well together
with your partner, (b) expect resistances and know how to handle them, (c)
help each other stay focused on one issue, (d) use a genuine mutual-respect
attitude with all participants, (e) give new information about stepfamilies
as appropriate, to justify your assertion, (f) handle expected resistances
with empathic listening and re-assertion, unless you get new information.
Keep your perspective: if your balky
relative/s agree to use stepfamily terms but aren't motivated to learn what
your identity
you're still at risk of their unconsciously causing stress by using
biofamily expectations.
Incidentally, note the possibility that
step-relatives accept the stepfamily's identity and what it means, and the newly-re/weds don't.
Do you think most relatives would initiate a planned exchange like this? How
about most counselors? Friends? Do you think most clergy would emphasize the
new "stepfamily" identity with a co-parent couple planning a
re/wedding? In
my experience, this is very rare.
Recap
A relative's
unwillingness to acknowledge that they're part of a stepfamily can
cause co-parents and kids significant confusion and stress. If
co-parents don't acknowledge their step-identity either, significant surface
conflicts are unlikely.
If some or most adults in new stepfamily (a) don't learn what being a stepfamily
means to them all, and (b) avoid using "step" titles with each other,
they risk
unconsciously expecting their family
and relationships to feel and behave like
those in (idealized?) intact biofamilies. That's like
expecting a poodle to act like a cheetah. They're both four-legged
mammals, but...
Unrealistic relationship expectations cause an
escalating cascade of tensions, frustrations, and disappointments, over time.
Mixed with
factors, kinfolk's unawareness of,
minimizing, or opposition
to, their identity as a stepfamily can promote accumulating
stress which burdens everyone.
This two-page article offers guidelines, linked resources, and an illustration to help
co-parent couples plan and deliver an effective, respectful assertion about
their stepfamily identity to resistant or unaware co-relatives.
Success is most likely if (a)
co-parents' true Selves lead their respective personalities, (b) they're
aware of what being a stepfamily means, (c) they're fluent enough in the
seven Project-2 communication
and (d) they invest time in planning their confrontation (assertion) well
together.
Resources
-
Overviews of co-parent
(accept your step-identity...) and
(...and learn what it means).
-
This
worksheet to help
assess if someone accepts their step-identity
-
This Solutions
article on options of a
mate rejects your
stepfamily identity. Adapt this article if an
ex-mate denies or rejects
your stepfamily realities;
-
This summary of what stepfamily identity
means to typical members;
and...
- Questions and answers
about stepfamilies and other topics
Reflect on why you read this article - did you get what you needed? If not,
what
you need?
+ + +
