Preparations
To
optimize your results from trying to relate "well-enough" to your wounded
family member/s, first invest time and effort in steps like these...
1)
yourself for
significant false-self wounds, and commit to
any you find. If you're not ready to do this, the following
suggestions probably won't help you for now.
2)
Choose a multi-decade outlook, and clarify your life
When
your
guides your
you'll probably value your
and
above all else.
3) Affirm your
right to differ (respectfully) in
values, lifestyle, and expectations from your relatives - specially your
parents and grandparents. If some of your subselves disagree,
identify each of them and learn what they fear (like rejection, disapproval,
criticism, scorn, guilt, and conflict.) Work toward having such subselves
(a) accept
they are part of an
and
(b) trust your Self and other Regular sub-selves to keep you all safe enough
in all situations.
4) Clarify the specific
needs
you depend on relatives to fill for you - e.g. "I need you to....
-
help me feel I belong - i.e. I need to be
known, valued, and accepted ("loved") despite my flaws, failures, and
limitations. The opposite of belonging is exclusion,
rejection, or indifference.
-
provide a reliable refuge (security) and
support in troubled and uncertain times; and I need you to...
-
provide companionship and social normalcy
for me;
and to...
-
share holidays and unique family transition
events, like births, deaths, graduations, marriages, retirements,
birthdays, anniversaries, and reunions; and I need you all to help me...
-
define my unique
- e.g. "I'm descended from German, Scotch, French Huguenot, and Sioux
Indian ancestors."
-
(Add your other needs)
More
preparation options...
5) Non-judgmentally
whether each "problem
relative" has symptoms of significant false-self wounds.
This is not about judging them as
sick, crazy, mentally ill), or bad!
In complex or volatile situations,
consider using informed, objective
professional
to help you assess
relatives (inclu-ding kids) for significant wounds. Significant is a
subjective judgment.
6) If
you conclude that a relative is often controlled by a false self
(i.e. significantly wounded), see if you regard them
with respectful compassion,
vs. scorn, pity, disgust, suspicion,
jealousy, anger,
fear, re-sentment, or indifference. The latter emotions suggest you're
probably ruled by a false self too.
Feeling genuine (vs. dutiful) compassion and respect for
a "problem relative" will help your commu-nication with
them by sending genuine "=/="
Feeling compassion
and empathy does not mean you must endure stressful
attitudes or behaviors!
7) Identify the
specific rules and attitudes you've inherited about how to regard and
behave with your relatives and elders. Examples: "I must / have to
/ should / ought to...
-
respect ("honor") my family members
and elders no matter what;
-
love my family members, no matter
what;
-
support and defend my family members in all
situations;
-
want to
stay connected to my
relatives, and I must...
-
want to
include all my relatives in my
thoughts and prayers; and...
-
endure my family members' weaknesses and
limitations without complaint or criticism; and...
-
willingly
sacrifice my own needs and
preferences to preserve family unity and harmony; and...
-
want to participate in (and enjoy?)
family gatherings, no matter what; and I have to...
-
feel proud of us all, no matter what; and I
must...
-
want to preserve and defend our
family's
boundaries; and...
-
meet my senior relatives'
expectations of
me as a person and a descendent; and I should...
-
want to give my relatives and our
family priority over other relationships; and...
-
feel proud and pleased for my relatives'
triumphs and achievements; and I must...
-
want to honor our ancestral
family
secrets and traditions without questioning them.
-
(add your own rules about family
relationships)
Does it make more sense to you now that confronting wounds in your relatives
is harder than with non-family relationships?
Pause and reflect - what are you feeling and thinking now? Have you
ever reviewed your specific expectations of yourself relative to your
kinfolk and elders? Can you identify where you learned each
ex-pectation? Do you have stable personal permission to change or
ignore any of your rules without ex-cessive guilt, shame, or anxiety?
"No" is a sure sign of false-self
dominance.
8) Using your
Bill of personal Rights and these
change your
"rules about family rela-tionships" to reflect your unique values, identity, and integrity.
Examples:
-
I will respect my relatives and elders if
they merit it. If they don't, I need not explain or justify this,
and I may or may not discuss this with them.
-
I may or may not feel "love" for each
relative. If I don't feel genuine love, I need not feel guilt, shame, or
anxiety. Love, like trust and respect, must be earned.
-
I can use my own judgment to decide if,
when, and how to participate in family gatherings and traditions - and I
may decline without undue guilt, shame, or worry.
-
I can feel and express disagreement with any
relative's
attitudes, and behaviors without excessive
or fear
- and they may disagree with mine.
-
I need not depend exclusively on my
relatives to fill my needs for belonging, acceptance, and security.
-
I can define and enforce personal
and limits with any family
member without major shame, guilt, or anxiety.
-
I need not sacrifice my needs or welfare for
my relatives any more than I would for a non-relative. Sacrificing out
of duty or pity is self abuse.
-
I do not need to "save" or "stay connected"
to a wounded relative out of duty or ancestral obliga-tion. I am not
responsible for their wholistic health, welfare, or recovery, and they
aren't responsible for mine.
-
(Add your own relationship rules)
|
Can you imagine living by attitudes and rules like
these? If not, identify which of your protective
subselves don't trust your Self and Higher Power to keep you
safe from scorn, rejection, disapproval, and change. |
9)
Upgrade
your ability to spot and release outdated
guilts. This will free you to change and act on your relationship
rules and expectations comfortably if your Self guides your other
subselves.
And while you're progressing at all these preparation steps...
10) Intentionally
sharpen your communication
skills and effectiveness - specially your
and
listening skills. Stay clear on the vital
difference between surface needs and
and focus on filling the latter. Apply these
tips and phrases in important
interactions with wounded adults and kids (and everyone else). As you do this,
evolve effective strategies for
avoiding and managing these three
universal family stressors.
We just reviewed practical preparations for relating well-enough with
significantly-wounded relatives. Now let's put these preparations to work
with some...
Action Options
Numbering continues from above...
11)
Become familiar with these
general options for relating to wounded adults and kids.
12) Practice identifying the
personal and family benefits of relating "well enough" to wounded
family members (and other people). Compare these benefits to what you're
used to: frustration, hurt, anger, distrust, anxieties, regrets,
disappointments, confusions, guilts, and shame.
13) See if one or more other family members or
supporters are interested in false-self wound reduction, and team up with
them. Another option is to find and use (or start) a wound-recovery
support group to affirm and encourage
your efforts.
14)
what you really need from each "problem relative" -
i.e. define specifically what
you need to change
in each role and relationship. Use these
ageless
as guides.
15) With
your true Self solidly
of your personality, watch for chances to respectfully
your needs with
each wounded relative. Avoid feeling responsible for "saving" the person or
"show-ing them the light" - you probably can't.
Expect "resistances"
to your assertions, like threats, whining, outrage,
cutoffs, name-calling, criti-cism, scorn, excuses, justifications, earnest promises, and attacks.
Keep in mind that real (vs. pseudo) wound-recovery usually follows hitting true personal
often in middle age. There are exceptions.
Respond to any resistances calmly with
and firm reassertion and/or
Because you're challenging your family's status quo, expect relatives to
align "against you" (i.e. your challenging the family's traditional values
and code of behavior - e.g. "You know we never disagree with or
talk back to Grampa Eddie!")
Option 16) Consider selectively informing other family members and
supporters of what you're doing and why. If they don't know about
personality subselves and psychological
wounds, ask if they're open to
learn about them. Be prepared for "No" and "Not now." Option - call a
family meeting to discuss wounds, effects, and recovery options.
17) Regardless of how your assertions work out, appreciate your
courage and effort in trying to improve your family relationships.
18) In specially-troublesome or important relationships,
consider using informed professional help to clarify and assert your needs
and handle your relative's reactions. Effective helpers will know about
subselves and false-self wounds and what to do about them.
Special Cases
Some wounded relatives are harder to relate well with than others - e.g.
parents and grandparents; addicted, disabled, or dependent relatives, and
some stepfamily members (including ex inlaws.) These cases are specially hard if minor kids are involved.
Review these baseline options,
and then add these...
Parents and Grandparents
Most of us have distorted expectations of the adults who raise us - and
often vice versa. So a useful step in relating to birth parents and genetic
grandparents is to upgrade
childish expectations of them to realistic ones. Compassionately
accept they did the best they could for us - and never were
the gods and goddesses we originally wanted them to be. It also helps to
objectively assess whether each early care-giver got their childhood
needs met "well enough." Usually they didn't, through no fault of
their
parents and their unaware society.
Families generally assume that the effects of their adults' wounds
and behaviors are normal. So it's useful to reflect on
what your adults never taught you to expect as a child. Examples: effective
parents and grandparents should teach their kids...
-
how to communicate,
problem-solve, and grieve well. And...
-
encourage young kids'
spiritual questioning and growth, and promote...
-
healthy curiosity about what the child's
unique life purpose is going to be. Do you agree?
For more perspective, see this
summary of healthy parenting goals.
An important step toward forgiving - and relating well-enough to - our
inevitably flawed parents and grandparents is to identify and intentionally
childhood losses. Can you describe what opportunities you lost because of
your parents' wounds and unawareness? Typical losses are security, a
carefree childhood, encouragement to be our unique selves, self esteem,
and other basics. You're most apt
to be able to identify your early losses if you are co-raising minor kids.
Did you and each genetic grandparent have a chance to meet and know each
other? If not, that's a mutual loss. Try defining the basic responsibilities
of the role of grandparent, and compare that to how well each
grandparent "did" for you. Did they prepare each of your bioparents
well enough raise wholistic-ally-healthy kids? If you feel they didn't, can
you say why? Start by assessing them for false self wounds...
Because parents are literally "older and wiser," they and their adult kids
have to learn to see each other as co-equal, not superior-inferior, persons. Some wounded parents are frightened they'll have no value or social status
if they acknowledge their kids are fully functioning, capable adults
themselves.
If your wounded senior relatives chronically "talk down" to (belittle,
discount) you, part of learning to relate well with them is to (a) affirm
your own dignity and integrity, and (b) confront their 1-up attitude and set
limits with them. ("Dad, very time you interrupt me and use that
condescending (or sarcastic) voice tone, I'm going to call you on it.")
Option: in conflicts, ask parents calmly "Who's needs are more
important to you here - yours or mine?" (The best answer is "Your and
my needs are equally important to me.") Balance any confronta-tions about
your equality and integrity by acknowledging respectfully that in important
ways, your seniors do know more than you do about some things.
And give yourself credit: if you're reducing your own wounds, you probably
know more than they do about this vital task.
Overall, accept that you
probably cannot motivate your parents and grandparents to acknowledge their
wounds and start true recovery. You can plant seeds,
describe your own wounds and healing with-out expectations, and then let
go of feeling responsible for their enlightenment.
Option - you can choose to promote your relatives' hitting
(safe)
by not
them or ac-cepting a
(1-down) role and enforcing your boundaries with them. Doing this will
require your true Self to steadily lead the way!
Addicted, Disabled, and Dependent Relatives
If one or more wounded kinfolk are addicted to a substance, activity,
mood-state, or relationship, consider that all such toxic compulsions are
unconscious attempts to self-medicate unbearable inner
Your odds for gaining an acceptable relationship go up if you focus on the
addictive behaviors and the underlying wounds separately.
See
this for background on addictions
and relationship options. Then select options from the above to deal
with the addict's wounds and unawareness. These interact.
Significant false-self wounds
promote major health problems.
If your "problem relative" has a phys-ical or mental disability and/or a
chronic illness, your challenge is to balance empathy and respect with not
being extra tolerant of their stressful GWC behaviors.
The same challenge
applies to wounded relatives who depend on you for non-medical reasons. It's inviting to
c/overtly
pity handicapped and disadvantaged adults and kids. Doing that is inherently
disre-spectful, and will probably degrade your communications with them.
If a wounded relative becomes overwhelmed and hopeless about their mental
and physical condition and painful life,
avoid reassuring them - specially
if they're controlled by a
and an active
and
Logic will have no effect on
this, and will probably cause your relative to discount you and
increase their despair.
Be alert for becoming
with a disabled and dependent relatives - i.e. keep your
in balance and your boundaries clear and respectfully enforced. Do you know
the signs of code-pendence (relationship
addiction) and what to do about
this condition?
When Minor Kids are Affected
When
the behavior of wounded relatives threatens or stresses minor kids, it's
inviting to discount or ignore their wounds, and to lose respect for them.
The challenge in this case is to maintain your compas-sion for such adults
while confronting and setting appropriate behavioral limits with them to
guard depen-dent kids.
Keeping this balance while reducing your own wounds requires...
-
your true
Self to steadily guide your other
subselves, and...
-
effective-communication
attitudes and
starting with
It also requires
that you...
-
alert other family members to why you're confronting GWCs and
enforcing limits with them.
The hardest case is when
all adults in a child's home or family are significantly wounded. Then these
are essential resources for keeping your balance.
This
related article offers perspective and guidelines for
relating well-enough to wounded minor kids.
Stepfamily Relations
Compared to average intact biofamilies, there are many more
and
in
typical multi-home stepfamilies. So...
-
the
odds of significantly-wounded adults and kids are higher,
-
there are usually more concurrent
relationship
to manage - specially
and
conflicts and
with...
-
fewer social norms to guide you all, and...
-
less available
informed
help.
Typical new-stepfamily relatives don't know each other well or at all, so
they're reluctant to confront each other honestly until their several
biofamily systems
and stabilize. This can take four or more years from the originating
couple's co-commitment. The
best time to
potential relatives for sig-nificant wounds is during courtship.
Asserting your needs and limits with average stepfamily relatives requires
special tact, sensitivity, patience, and communication skill. Your minor kids
need you adults to assert to help protect
them against acquiring or increasing their own wounds.
Recap
This article defines "relatives," and extends these basic ideas
by proposing
options for relating to
family members. Doing this can
be specially challenging because of inherited rules (have to's, shoulds,
can'ts, musts, and ought to's) about deferring to, and not confronting or
disagreeing with, family seniors and "other people's children."
The article illustrates (a) traditional rules and attitudes, and (b) new rules to promote relating well-enough with wounded
relatives.
It also offers special perspective and guidelines for relating well to
wounded parents, grandparents, and addicted, disabled, dependent, and step family
members.
Two requisites for achieving good-enough relations with wounded family
members (and anyone else) are (a) assess for, admit, and reduce your own
wounds; and (b) intentionally improve
your thinking and communication skills and effectiveness.
Note
this related article about options for adapting to a
significantly-wounded mate.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - did you get what you needed from reading this? If
so, what do you need to do now? If not, what do you
Who's
answering - your wise resident
or
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