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Project 9: merge several biofamilies and resolve
many conflicts |
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Three Keys to Resolving
Typical Stepsibling Conflicts
Clarify Your Attitudes and
Expectations First...
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council |
 The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/sibs/basics.htm
Following any link will open an informational popup or new browser page,
so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this
non-profit site.
This is one of a series of Web
articles suggesting solutions for common divorcing-family and step-family
relationship problems.
This Solutions sub-series focuses on solving
common
between kids in
blended
stepfamilies. This
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best
use it.
Most ideas apply equally
to divorced or widowed parents and their minor and grown kids.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Get the most from this article
by first reading...
This
Solutions article lays the groundwork for others on reducing
significant
strife between and about stepsiblings, and resolving related conflicts within and
between their
stepparents and
bioparents (co-parents).
You're
probably reading this because you need to reduce or avoid some current relationship stress between
stepsiblings. My experience is: stress prevention is unlikely, and
major improvement is possible. What do you need to resolve your home's or family's
stepsibling conflicts effectively?
What Co-parents Need to Be Aware of...
Three keys to your long-term effectiveness in resolving stepsibling and
half-sibling problems are...
your basic
attitudes,
your core
expectations,
and...
some special knowledge.
Use the following to help you
clarify your status on each of these three factors, and promote constructive
talks among your co-parenting team...
Helpful Attitudes About
Typical Stepsiblings
Premises:
-
You can learn to become aware
(conscious) of your attitudes, and...
-
of their impacts on your
co-parenting success, and...
-
you can intentionally change
unhelpful attitudes to more effective ones.
Do you agree with these ideas? If
not, what do you believe? Compare your present attitudes about
stepsiblings to these...
1)
The
potential relationship between stepbrothers and stepsisters can be just
as "good" (satisfying, safe, and fun) as that between compatible genetic
siblings. However, it may take many months or years of various shared
experiences after parental re/marriage to evolve to
"good." The strength of the emotional
between them may approach that between healthy biosiblings over time - or it
may not.
The odds of stepsibs' relationships being "not good" (antagonistic,
disrespectful, jealous, distrustful, indifferent)
are higher than between average
genetic brothers and sisters. If this manifests in your family,
no one is
- unless you blame human nature! A core reason that this
"bad chemistry" occurs is one or both kids feeling chronically shamed, confused, and anxious
(insecure).
2)
Stepsiblings
who don't like each other (so far) are not
bad. They
usually start off as strangers competing for precious household and family
love, status, attention,
space, and security. Their rivalry
and jealousy may be friendly to bitter, depending
on many factors.
Kids of divorced parents are often
extra needy for household and extended- family emotional security and comfort.
This can amplify the natural
competition between
stepsibs. Remind yourselves and each other that
it
usually takes four years or more for (a) typical stepfamily relationships to
stabilize after re/marriage and cohabiting, and for (b) people
to like and
trust each other, if their personalities and environments promote that.
Another helpful co-parent attitude to grow is...
3)
Stepsiblings
who conflict
and/or
mutually about stepfamily
names, or
are not
bad or dumb!
(Example: "You are so moronic: my mother is not your stepmother.
She is your Dad's girlfriend. Get it?" Such kids are surely confused, insecure, misinformed
about stepfamily realities, caught in stressful
and
and
probably controlled by a
protective, over-reactive
If
this is pronounced or chronic, it probably reflects significant confusion and
in and between you co-parents and relatives.
Co-parents can best help such burdened kids by first
themselves for
these same condi-tions, healing and stabilizing them, and then patiently and
compassionately helping all their kids to do the same. A tall order
for everyone!
| 4) Internal
and
interpersonal conflicts are normal, inevitable,
and potentially helpful.
Your kids and other co-parents each may agree or not, based on their
caregivers' modeling and their earlier life experiences. |
A potential attitude conflict is whether all you co-parents see conflicts as
normal signs that someone is not getting key
met, and
therefore an opportunity; or (some of) you see conflicts as win/lose battles
over power and being right.
Do you know what your three or more co-parents' attitudes about disputes are? Note the big difference
between conflicts being unpleasant and scary, and their
potential to be helpful - if co-managed right. Conflicts are like
filling tooth cavities - often unpleasant, and necessary for long term health!
5) Another basic attitude to get clear on is
your and each stepchild's view of
stepfamily love.
needy co-parents can unintentionally polarize and stress stepsibs by implying
or demanding that they love each other and their stepfamily adults
(like an idealized biofamily). This is unrealistic! Help them and yourself focus on earning each other's
respect
and trust - those are achievable,
over time! A kind of love may or may not develop over
time. If it doesn't, no one is bad.
More helpful attitudes...
6)
Favoritism
about and among your stepsisters and stepbrothers
is normal and inevitable. An
implacable reality in most stepfamilies is that blood is thicker than water:
most bioparents naturally favor their own kids. They're apt to be more
lenient and forgiving with them, which can foster divisive
resentments,
rivalries, and
among
everyone.
Bioparents know their offspring better, love them instinctively and
with fewer or no conditions, and (usually) feel proud of their
personalities, behaviors, and achievements. You can help each other seek to
evolve child-ranking equality, but cut yourself
some slack: genes, parental love, and ancestry all make genuine (vs. dutiful)
equality tough to achieve.
Option: tell your kids something like "I'm working toward
loving you all the same way - and I really enjoy getting to know and
appreciate (each stepchild)." Kids are more likely to trust this reality
than a well meant but untrue "I love each of you just the same."
Doubtful.
 More
key expectations about stepsiblings...
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Updated
October 05, 2008
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