The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/sibs/basics.htm
More helpful expectations to adopt...
7) Expect
the stepsiblings in your sprawling new family to vary in their
attitudes about...
-
their bioparent's re/marriage in general,
-
the
people
their parent has committed to (step-relatives),
-
the new
in their
several homes, and...
-
where they're made to live and go to
school.
Also expect your kids' perceptions of their
relatives' attitudes about these four things - specially their other
bioparent's, if present - to strongly affect their own perceptions.
8) Expect typical stepsiblings to be confused and anxious about their personal and
family
"Who am I, and
who are we now?" This is specially likely for typical
"half" sisters and half-brothers who live in a multi-home
but have no
stepparents or stepsiblings.
This normal confusion may recede if all your
stepfamily adults (a)
your step-identity, (b) agree on everyone's first and last
names, and on (c) what to
call your stepfamily's ~15
(e.g. step-uncle, non-custodial biofather,
half sister,...)
Another part of stepsiblings' confusion is proportional to how clear and harmonious
you three or more co-parents and key relatives are about realistic your stepfamily role and relationship
expectations are. Co-parent
and
can help
you all with these - specially if you partners
began them well before committing to re/marriage.
9) Expect
conflicts in and between stepsiblings to be complex
mixes of
and mutual dis-putes. Further
expect that even stepteens
haven't learned how to sort out these stressors, prioritize them, and resolve them
effectively.
Your kids depend on your co-parent team to help them learn the concepts and
skills to do this. If you adults are (a) dominated by earnest but misguided
false
selves and are (b)
of stepfamily realities and life skills (like
and healthy three-level
- you'll
have a hard time consistently filling your kids' and your own needs.
A
high-return investment: work at the
starting well
before your re/marriage!
10)
Expect
(some) stepsiblings to question everything. So much is new, confusing, and unclear in typical post-divorce and
stepfamily life! As you know, healthy kids are inherently curious and
want to know "why?" Did you usually feel safe to ask
"Why?" as a child? How were your "Why's" treated? How
did that feel?
Because multi-home stepfamilies have lots of busy, needy members, making the
time and patience to validate and answer kids' "why's" is a
challenge. Your co-parents' degrees of consistent patience reflects what each
of your real personal and shared
are...
Finally...
11) Expect your
new co-grandparents and other
step-relatives to feel confused and inconsistent with stepsibling conflicts. Also expect (a) everyone to feel awkward around each other
at first, and (b) your
and
to
conflict often! Further, expect all your adults and kids to struggle with preferring familiar relationships, roles, and
homes to alien new ones. Talk together openly, specially with your kids, and
affirm the normalcy and complexity of your common
adjustments!
Option: Make adjusting these
a stepfamily-wide
project. Option: consider raising everyone's empathy and comfort level by a fun,
interesting, noncompetitive family activity like
The
Ungame or
LifeStories.
This is not a complete set of relevant
expectations. These 11 items illustrate the kind of expectations you
adults can intentionally adopt and encourage that will help you guide the
stepsisters and stepbrothers in your care through their welter of confusions,
anxieties, and competitions towards security, growth, and bonding over time.
A third key to helping your kids cope with their problems effectively is knowledge.
1)
At any age, each
child needs to
two or three sets of major
tangible and invisible
- broken emotional/spiritual bonds
- from...
-
(possible) childhood
deprivations,
-
biofamily reorganization after parental death or
separation, and...
-
stepfamily
and integration.
The three-level grieving process can take
many years after each batch of losses, and may be
if inner and outer
to feel and
express their emotions and needs are chronically absent.
Kids (and adults) who are mourning have little room or
energy to form genuine new
with stepsibs or steprelatives, including half-siblings
and stepcousins. Co-parents
do well to help each other progress with
(a) study grieving
basics, (b) assess themselves and each child for symptoms
of blocked
grief, and (c) consciously evolve and apply a Good Grief
for their homes and stepfamily. Do you have a
family yet?
2)
Your
stepsiblings have up to ~ 60
concurrent development and adjustment needs
to fill as they prepare for adult independence. Co-parents who learn to identify
and assess these needs and talk together as
vs. adversaries, can best help their kids sort out this maze and
master it a step at a time...
3)
Typical
stepteens are torn between their
normal for independence and their co-parents' need to bond and
form a stable "close" new family. In the best case, all
step-relatives will consciously acknowledge this with collective compassion,
and work toward acceptable compromises, over time.
| 4) Your
stepsibs may not know the vital difference
between
fighting or avoiding, and
Do you? In order to teach them the difference and show them how
to resolve conflicts effectively, you co-parents need
fluency and experience in the seven
communication
|
Recap