To
get the most from this article, (a) say out loud what you hope to get from
reading it, and then (b) read these first:
-
three
basic suggestions about stepsibling relationships.
-
perspective on
solving any relationship problem
-
factors that promote a
family and satisfying
relationships
-
a brief
introduction to
who controls your personality
-
a summary of what it
to be a stepfamily
-
that combine to
typical multi-home stepfamilies
-
a summary of what typical stepkids
need
Home
and family harmony depends (partly) on whether all members feel respected
enough by each other - and themselves.
If re/married co-parents feel
that one of their kids feels too disrespected by a stepbrother or stepsister -
what can they do? This article offers perspective on that question, and
sketches common surface versions of "the problem." It then
proposes what the possible primary problems are, and suggests options for
resolving them.
Perspective on
Respect
What
core human need would you say is the most consistent and powerful in shaping
all human relationships? Many would say love. Others might
say compassion. My vote is respect - the sense that
we ourselves, and others, genuinely value, appreciate, and admire us, and
judge our opinions, values, and needs as important, worthwhile,
and legitimate.
Only
rare people can truly love someone they don't first respect. Have you
ever known such a person? Are you one? Think of the adults and
kids you love. Is there anyone among them you don't respect? Can you
think of anyone you feel loved by who doesn't seem to truly respect you?
What
do you feel is the opposite of respect? I'd say scorn
(disdain, contempt, disgust) and/or indifference ("you're not
even worth an opinion"). Even if we dislike someone, we may still
respect them - or at least some of their abilities, values, or
achievements.
Premise: a
hallmark of real
is shifting from craving respect from
others and fearing their scorn and disdain;
to earning solid self-respect for our
own values, traits and choices regardless of others' reactions. Abraham
Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, Galileo, Joan of Arc, and Martin Luther King earn the
respect of each new generation for their courageous actions in the face of
massive opposition and personal danger.
They
inspire the rest of us who seek the holy grail of personal
by consistently acting on our own opinions, values, and needs in the face of
misunderstanding, disdain, rejection, ridicule, and aggression. How are you doing with
that Grail search - are you "true to yourself" often enough?
Two Sources of Respect
Moment-by-moment contentment or discomfort spring from two sources: self
(internal) respect, and social (external) respect. My experience is
that kids and adults who lack real self-respect may over-depend on external
respect to fill their quenchless need
to feel acknowledged and valued. They're dubbed "thin
skinned," defensive, "oversensitive," and "needy."
Know any kids who are or were labeled like that?
Can
you think of a child who is so "well adjusted" that s/he (a)
respects and empathizes with other people, and (b) is truly immune to
what others' opinions of them? How do your current adult needs for
inner and outer respect compare with those needs when you were, say, seven or
13 years old? Premise: typical kids and
adults are specially needy for outer
(social) respect, because they haven't had enough time, experience, and
encouragement to form solid self-respect.
Note
that respect comes in lots of flavors: we respect ourselves and
others as persons, as males or females ("Nancy's a good
woman,"),
and in each of the different roles we're currently "doing" -
parent, sibling, student, employee, taxpayer, citizen, neighbor, friend, parishioner,
cousin, Earthling,... We differentiate: "Harry's a real craftsman - but
I wouldn't buy a used car from him." From
that perspective, imagine each of the custodial and visiting kids in your life
now. What are the different respects that are important to each one of them?
Do they feel enough self respect, in your judgment? If "no,"
how are they trying to fill their normal human need to feel worthwhile and
valuable these days?
Most
U.S. stepfamilies form after bioparents divorce.
Events that promote divorce often
both cause and result from adults and kids feeling too little self and
mutual respect. When such people don't know what to do about that, then
personal identities, relationships, and families dis-integrate. Did that happen to you and your kids? To your partner?
One
implication is that typical kids and adults forming a new stepfamily have
higher self doubt and confusion - i.e. need more external respect -
than peers in intact healthy biofamilies. How do you feel about that? If so,
it suggests that typical stepkids have a higher need for respect from their
peers and caregivers than kids in intact
biofamilies.
Are Typical Stepkids More
Sensitive?
The minor children in your stepfamily
may be extra alert and reactive to how you co-parents and their new
stepsiblings "treat them." That's code for whether they
feel respected enough (a) as persons and (b) in their
several family
by you adults and each of the kids they live with and visit. All
kids act selfish and disrespectful at times, as they learn socially
acceptable behavior. A subjective question all co-parents (like you)
face is "When is a child's disrespectful behavior - or discomfort - too
much?" Here, that becomes "When does one stepsibling's
disrespectful behavior to another merit your intervention?" Your call.
A
vital point here is to ponder "How does respect occur? Where does
it 'come from'?" Life suggests that
we each grow the opinion "I respect you (or I don't)" based
on (a) our values about good people, and (b) our perception of another
person's behavior and personality. Thus
genuine respect falls among
those human qualities that can only be earned, not demanded or expected.
The
third factor is our perception of other's behaviors toward us. We may
interpret a voice tone, glance, body motion, or action as
"disrespectful" when it wasn't meant to be. Kids or adults who
others' behavior like that are often controlled by a
Competing subselves cause the vexing communication phenomenon of
Here that can look like a stepbrother or sister saying "No, I
really like (my stepsib) Pat," while their actions toward Pat
often feel disrespectful. Consciously the child's false self believes they
respect their stepsib, when unconsciously they don't. Both are true!
Awareness of
disagreements can help you understand and react well to
stepfamily (and other) disrespect.
Most
kids, and many adults, aren't clearly aware of the points above. That means they (you?) have neither the concepts
nor the vocabulary to describe accurately what's going on, how they feel, and
specifically what they need. - e.g. an average child can't say...
"Gee, Dad, I'm feeling too
disrespected by my insecure, psychologically-wounded stepsister Jane. I need you to teach me
how to be effective at asserting and defending my dignity and personal
boundaries, so she and I both gain respect for me, and my anxiety, guilt,
and frustration shrink to acceptable levels. OK Dad?"
I
assume you're reading this because one or more of your (step)kids complains
(or doesn't) about being "treated badly or unfairly
(disrespectfully)" by one or more stepsiblings. Either you feel
badly for them, or they feel too disrespected, or both. These are three
different problems...
Before exploring what's really going on and what to do about it,
note
the difference between stepsib disrespect and
dislike,
disinterest, and
distrust.
These are all close cousins, and merit different adult responses. One
of the first best things you can do is to assess a troubled stepsib
relationship for these, and deal with each one separately.
Now
that we have some basic concepts to work with, let's look at...
What's the (Surface) Problem?
See
if any of these are familiar...
-
"Mom, Jack (my stepbrother) won't stop
tickling me when I tell him to. I hate that! (so please make him
stop);"
-
"(Stepsister) Laura, I can't believe
you read my diary!"
-
"Dad, (my stepbrother) Mark hid my
science project, and it's due tomorrow. He won't tell me where he put it!"
-
"Millie, your daughter constantly
interrupts (my daughter) Marge at the dinner table. I think you ought to
talk to her about that."
- "You know, Alisha, (your daughter, my
niece) Trish told me yesterday that her stepbrother has 'accidentally'
barged in on her when she's taking a shower three times this past month.
Did you know that?"
In each of these, how would you describe the behavior of the
"aggressive" stepchild toward the other? Do their actions seem
"disrespectful?" You may view each incident as trivial or not, or
"kids just being kids." Two keys are (a) how the receiving child feels,
and (b) what s/he needs to feel potent, secure, and dignified. Do you recall
how incidents like these felt to you as a child?
Whatever the details, the theme of the surface problems here is...
one stepchild behaves in some way once or
regularly that "feels bad" (disrespectful) to a stepsister or stepbrother,
who...
may or may not try to (a) "fight back"
(set boundaries), (b) ask an adult or older sib for help, (c) say and do
nothing (repress their feelings and needs), or (d) avoid their disrespectful
stepsib. Any of these may cause...
the aggressive stepsib to feel
powerful, and (a) polarize people in one or both related
co-parenting homes into "us" vs. "them" camps, which
(b) hinders stepfamily bonding and (c) causes webs of other
relationship and role problems; which (d) stress co-parents'
personal serenities and re/marriages. If not corrected, this
(e) lowers the emotional security of all
kids and adults, which...
Helps us understand why millions of
average
U.S. stepfamilies eventually break up or
endure
ongoing
misery.
|
The basic surface problem:
(a) one
stepchild treats another disrespectfully once or often, and (b) they and
their (c) co-parents don't know how to respond effectively. That is,
adult caregivers in each of the two affected homes either aren't aware of the
disrespect, or don't know how to fill each child's, and their own,
well enough.
|
Let's build on the ideas above to explore your options to...
Identify and Resolve the
Primary Problems
In what follows, a "problem" is one or several unfilled emotional/spiritual
needs in one or more of your stepfamily kids or adults. A
"conflict" occurs when the current primary (vs. surface) needs
of two or more stepfamily members clash.
Use these ideas as ingredients of a solution. Select those you feel fit your
unique situation, and keep the others in reserve. In my
29-year study of
stepfamily relationships, many of these primary problems appear universal:
1) One or more of the
kids and co-parents involved in your "disrespect" problem bears significant
false-self
This causes significant
emotional numbness, reality
and
reactivity in each wounded person, because they've lost the guidance of their wise
true
Self. They're unaware their (your?) daily lives are controlled by a set of protective,
short-sighted
My clinical experience from two decades of study and consulting with several
thousand divorced-family and stepfamily members is that unseen false-self
wounds +
+
communication are the primary causes of family (and most other human)
relationship distress.
Options - you co-parents
commit to working at some version of
together. Keep a long range attitude while you do. The benefits are
beyond price - personal and family serenity and
Notice your thoughts and feelings right now:
if a false self rules your personality, you'll probably (a) not comprehend what you just
read, (b) postpone following the links above, (c) have skeptical
thoughts ("what stupid psychobabble"), and/or (d) feel
vaguely "anxious."
The implacable truth seems to be - if false selves dominate one or more
of your
you'll
(a) probably have escalating major personal health and relationship
across the years, and (b) try unsuccessfully to resolve them by making
first-order (surface attitude)
Personal
from false-self wounds can set you each free from this, and empower your
kids' true Selves to guide them wisely throughout their life adventures.
Primary Problem 2) You co-parents are
automatically reacting to endless local problems rather than learning how to
prevent them.
Options:
do
together [draft a (step)family
and co-parent
Then take your long-range vision and specific
goals
for your family, and adjust your attitudes about
solving household and family conflicts from short term / quick McFixes to
long-term "fireproofing." Stay focused on your far goals!
If you do this together, you partners will see your "stepsib
disrespect" problem as a chance to build some vital stepfamily
foundations over time. That will help motivate you to work patiently
towards resolving more of the underlying problems below. If one or more of
you co-parents are too resistant to, or
for this, assess for...
3)
One or more of you co-parents are (a)
unclear and/or (b) ambivalent on your life
and/or (c) your ruling subselves don't steadily rank creating
a high-nurturance stepfamily high in
long term
importance. Your
actions speak louder than your words.
Options:
(a) invest in filling out this
worksheet, and (b) evaluate what the results mean to you and
your family long-term. Note: if any of you co-parents is ruled by a false self, your results and
conclusions may be significantly
and your
protective subselves will deny that.
4) Co-parents aren't (a) aware of, or (b)
consistently using these communication
Reality check: can you name
and describe each skill, and when to use it? If not, it's certain that your kids can't either
- which will hinder them throughout their lives.
Options:
(a) help each other progress with
together. As you do, (b) teach your minor kids the seven skills, and (c)
model them. This will help you resolve...
Primary Problem 5)
common or one-time family
confusion over who needs what.
Options: use the communication skills of
and
to clarify what each
person currently feels and
This isn't as simple as
it might sound. For example:
"Millie, your girl
constantly interrupts (my daughter) Marge at the dinner table. I think you
ought to talk to her about that."
I'd bet this simple sentence
represents four different sets of concurrent problems:
-
Millie's husband needs
to (a) be a "good biofather" (respect himself) by (b) protecting his
daughter from aggression by (c) politely getting his wife to act,
to avoid (d) inner and (e) interpersonal conflicts around his trying to
discipline his stepdaughter directly, because he's (f) ambivalent about
his stepfathering role; and...
-
Young Marge
may or may not be aware of her need (a) to learn how to effectively
confront a disrespectful interrupter to (b) earn self-respect and (c)
social confidence by (d) effectively asserting her boundaries
("standing up for herself"), while (e) earning and (f) keeping the
respect of the other three people; and...
-
Biomother Millie needs
to (a) feel respected by the others and herself as a person,
a woman, a bioparent, a stepparent, and a wife; and to (b) protect her daughter from unfair criticism; and
(c) promote harmony (low conflict) in her home, to (d) teach
her daughter Marge "good manners," and to (e) be
"fair" to her stepdaughter and be a "good stepmother"
- i.e. Millie needs to feel
genuinely respected by all three other people and
herself.
Finally...
-
Millie's daughter, Marge's
stepsister probably needs (a) to lower anxiety by clarifying her
status (rank, power, priority, role) in their new stepfamily. She also
probably needs (b) to feel acknowledged and important
("listened to"); (c) respected by herself and the three
others; and to (d) test to see if the adults are
reliably in charge of their home, so she can feel safe enough.
How many foursomes like this do you think are aware of the dynamic interplay
among all these concurrent needs, and how each person is trying to fill them?
Did you ever realize how much is really
going on at your dinner table?
The point: a major option you co-parents have in dealing effectively with
stepsibling disrespect (and all other relationship problems) is to
help
everyone get clear on what they feel and need
now.
Is that your habit so far?
6)
Family ignorance about what self and mutual respect, pride, dignity,
empathy, interpersonal boundaries (limits), and integrity are.
Reality check: can you clearly define each of these seven things out
loud? Can your other
co-parents? Can each child?
Options: you co-parents (a) get clear on
each of these factors, then teach each of your kids what they are (b)
conceptually and (c) in action. Then - by modeling and instruction - (d) help each of your children
develop the vocabulary to
and talk clearly about each factor. This will help empower them to resolve their own respect
conflicts and needs. Also assess...
Primary
Problem 7) Your kids (and maybe you co-parents) are fuzzy on your
rights
as dignified human beings in any social situation.
Options:
(a)
read this sample Bill of Personal Rights. Use it
to (b) draft your own Bill, and then (c) help each of your kids do
the same, over time. These human rights are potent tools for earning self
and mutual respect, and are the basis for effective, anxiety-free
Does this feel realistic to you? If you
adults aren't clear and harmonious on your human rights, perhaps...
8) You co-parents aren't yet
(a) clear and (b) unified
on several basic family relationship and role factors.
Options: Study and discuss
the readings at the top of this
article. They can help you caregivers avoid this widespread primary problem:
9)
You co-parents and kids are unaware of your shared
Fewer than 10 of the ~1,000 divorced
and re/married co-parents I've consulted with since 1981 were aware of this
daily behavioral sequence in and between their homes.
Options: Use
(a) your long-range perspective (# 1 above), and (b)
and
skills, to cooperatively (c)
your typical conflict-resolution communication process. Then non-defensively
(d) assess for these common communication
blocks and (e)
resolve
them effectively with the seven skills (# 3 above). Use these
tips and
phrases to help.
Communication mapping will help also you avoid...
Primary
problem 10) Someone is focusing on a surface problem,
rather than on each person's underlying
(# 5 above), and no one else is aware
of that (#
9).
One implication is that even if you resolve the current surface
"problem" ["I want you adults to punish my stepsister Gina for
(disrespecting me by) reading my diary"], the underlying problems will
recur until you co-parents resolve them.
The real problems here might be Gina feeling very (a) insecure and (b)
jealous
of her new stepsister, and needing to slake anxiety, resentment, (and
curiosity) needs by "sneaking a peek." Another probable unconscious
motive is both girls needing to test for adult reactions to see
(c)
who's in charge in their home, and (d) if each girl can reliably get key
and adjustment needs
met. These are psychological, not rational needs
- so don't expect
logic to resolve
them!
Options:
(a)
help each other to become familiar and fluent with the universal primary needs linked above. Then
(b) help each other view every family
role and relationship "problem" as a treasure hunt: the surface symptoms
conceal a hidden prize - the kids' or adults' primary needs. The payoff:
spotting and filling primary needs permanently resolves the surface problems!
Another possible primary problem underlying too much stepsibling
disrespect is...
11) Three or more of you are
unaware of being stuck in a (a)
and
(b) one or more related
For example: the disrespected child is the victim, and a
co-parent (you?) is riding to the rescue. Both stressors are common on all
families,
and promote escalating
and mutual conflicts. They permeate all your stepfamily
role and relationship
problems!
Options - follow the links
above; and tailor, share, and apply what you find.
We've just skimmed 11 possible
primary problems underlying the surface
symptoms of excessive disrespect between two or more of your stepsiblings.
Your situation probably includes several of them. Reflect for a moment:
-
Why did you read this article
- what were you looking for?
-
What have you learned here?
-
What do you feel like doing
with this new knowledge, if anything?
-
Why?
Follow each the links above, and print, copy, and distribute
the articles you find, if useful. Then patiently tailor, discuss, and apply
what you find to your present stepfamily "disrespect" situation. If
one or more of you co-parents are psychologically
and impatient (#
1), and/or you're stepfamily-building priority is low (# 3),
you'll
follow your false self's opinion that this is "too much work."
Recap
This article focuses on the surface problems and underlying primary needs
that cause a stepbrother or sister to feel too disrespected
(ignored, discounted, rejected, manipulated, used) by
another. Excessive sibling (and adult) disrespect is probably more common in
blended
stepfamilies than healthy intact biofamilies. It's a close relative of
stepsibling dislike,
distrust,
jealousy,
hostility,
and disinterest.
The main themes suggested here are: (a) you co-parent partners help each other
maintain a long-range perspective, and (b) view your stepsib
"disrespect" problem as a chance to patiently
and resolve
one or more of primary problems above. The alternative is to keep putting out endless family relationship "brush
fires" across your years without investing time and effort into
"fireproofing the forest." If you model a "brushfire"
attitude as perhaps your caregivers did, your kids and their kids will
probably do the same...
+ + +
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