Can broken trust be rebuilt intentionally?
If so, how?
Does building trust require a special
vocabulary? If so, what is it?
When it comes to teaching kids well about
how
and who to trust, and what to do about distrust, an
main responsibilities are to...
How
did you do? Have you ever thought about these questions before? How would
your other co-parents (or parents) do with these? (Option: print this and ask them!) If
you skipped answering the questions - what does that mean?
What's Different About Stepsibling
Distrust?
Most
minor biological sisters and brothers lived together for years . They've
learned what to expect from each other, though they and the
world keep changing. In contrast, typical stepsiblings are strangers.
They may meet occasionally when their parents are dating, but really don't know
(what to expect from) each other if their parents move them into the same
house or bedroom.
Stepbrothers and sisters who live in different co-parenting homes and visit
periodically have an even harder time "getting to know (whether to like
and trust) each other" - so growing trust (and respect) is slower.
Depending on their personal history and personality,
each of your minor or
grown kids trying on the alien role of "stepsibling" will
regard their new stepsibs with an initial attitude somewhere between
high suspicion and full trust. Over time, shared experiences will determine
whether those attitudes change or not. Kids' ages, gender, emotional security
and self confidence, and the number of bio and stepsiblings all affect whether
trust grows or shrinks.
A
major trust factor in most new stepfamilies is whether each child feels
emotionally secure enough - i.e. consistently noticed,
loved, special, protected, and important. If they don't, new resident
or visiting stepsiblings are instant competitors of unknown competence for
their home and family status (smartest girl, funniest boy,...), and for their caregivers'
precious love, time, attention, and approval. How do you think the long
process of family
dis-integration affects the emotional security of typical
minor kids?
Kids
who are used to low psychological
from
their caregivers may either be protectively indifferent
("I don't care") to new stepsibs, or exceptionally anxious about,
and suspicious and jealous of
them. Many typical divorced parents (like you?) unintentionally pass on the low-nurturance conditions that one or both ex mates inherited from their
ancestors.
Note
the value of distinguishing who your child distrusts: there's a
major difference between your boy or girl not trusting their stepsibling, and
distrusting you to not betray them by liking (respecting, enjoying,
appreciating, loving, preferring) this new kid "better" than them. Scary
possibility! Specially if the "new kid" is super smart, funny, obedient,
creative, popular, attractive, and a school star.
Another key trust factor that most bioparents don't encounter is who's
house am I (the stepchild) living in?
Stepsibs are apt to be more
secure and trusting in their own (custodial) home than those required to
visit or live in a strange house. Do you see the trust in one or more of your kids shift
significantly when they visit their "other" home?
Finally - as with us adults, stepsibling distrust can be hard to separate from dislike,
disrespect, disinterest,
jealousy, and sexual
tension. Your adult challenge is to assess each of these in your
"upset" stepsibs,
and offer help and guidance with each stressor individually. Doing this
patiently raises your
odds of providing effective caregiving, and building personal and stepfamily wellness,
over time!
So
if two or more of your stepsiblings don't trust each other enough now
(according to someone)...
What's
the (Surface) Problem?
Though details will vary "richly," common surface symptoms of
excessive stepsib distrust are - one child...
won't let the other into their living
space, or use their "things;" and/or...
won't talk honestly or intimately to the
other about their thoughts, feelings, dreams, or needs; and/or...
won't ask the other for, or accept,
help with school, social, or household problems; and/or a
distrustful sib...
won't include their stepsister or brother in social
activities; and/or...
accuses the other of lying or stealing, privately or
publicly; and/or...
objects strongly to the other child touching
them.
Can you think of other symptoms? A theme to help you distinguish the symptoms
of distrust from those of dislike, disrespect, jealousy, and disinterest,
is to ask yourself whether the focus child's behavior seems motivated by
of physical and/or emotional discomfort. As
you know, lots of things cause discomfort - guilt, shame, anger,
hurt, anxiety ("worry"), doubt, rejection, indifference, ridicule,
boredom, embarrassment, intimidation, sarcasm, confusion,... even pity, lust,
and sadness. Distrust is uncomfortable, too!
For example...
"Naw, I won't ask (stepsister) Alex for help with History.
The last time I did, she said she would, but then always made excuses (... and I felt betrayed, disrespected, and hurt.")
suggests a surface
problem with distrust. When you co-parents experience distrust symptoms
like those above between two or more of your kids, you need to...
Identify and Resolve the Primary Problems
In mulling the options below, stay aware that
trust exists (or doesn't)
because of our steady need to feel safe from emotional and physical
discomfort and pain. So distrust and suspicion aren't "wrong" or shameful, they're healthy coping reflexes!
Key possibilities:
Primary
Problem 1) Your distrustful child is excessively "insecure"
(anxious, fearful) as a person, or in one or more of their roles [boy / girl,
daughter / son, student, friend, Mom's / Dad's buddy, dog trainer, best
Grandchild, Girl Scout, cheerleader,...). This insecurity causes them to "over-react" to
an assertive or attractive new stepsib. I believe the real problem
underneath insecurity is always toxic shame.
From past experience, the child absolutely believes "I'm a worthless,
unlovable person / girl / boy."
Solution options: Kids
learn pride or shame early from their primary caregivers. If your (step)child is ashamed, it means one or more of their prior caregivers (i.e. Mom and/or
Dad) was or is probably ruled by a protective false self and was significantly shamed themselves as a
young child. To find out if this was true and
learn what to do
to stop shaming adult behavior, you co-parents can _ make
Project
1 a high shared priority together. Doing so will probably improve many
relationship problems among you, over time! Also...
_ Consider assessing your home and family habits about adult praise
and criticism. Unaware, psychologically-
adults can give praise that hurts
("You're report card shows you somehow got a little less stupid this
period. Nice going.") Other co-parents may be uncomfortable about praising or encouraging others at all, specially "someone else's kid." Help each other learn to give
positive affirmations and encouraging criticism ("Hmm - Let's see what good
thing this "D" on your English test can teach us, OK?")
_ Review these ideas about effective child
discipline, in general, and in a stepfamily. Over time, the way you adults set and
enforce behavioral limits will have a profound effect on your kids'
self esteems, emotional securities, and mutual trust!
The over-riding co-parenting goal here is helping your insecure child build their
self confidence and self esteem, over time. How did your caregivers do that
for you?
Primary
Problem 2) Your distrustful (step)child is getting double
(mixed)
messages too often from their stepsister or brother - which leaves them
confused, uncertain, and doubtful. Excessive or
compulsive double messages are always a sign of significant
false-self wounding. In a child, that powerfully suggests that one or both of their
parents or other caregivers were or are controlled by a
false
self.
Solution options: Again: raise your awareness and grow your choices by doing
Project
1 (assessing for false-self
dominance). If that is the core problem, true adult
recovery makes your child's recovery possible, over time. Trying to heal your
insecure child without healing their psychologically-wounded co-parents first is usually a fruitless
solution.
Option: (a) study the seven communication
in co-parent
Then
(b) teach them to, and model them for, all your kids. Include
explicit terms and awareness to help them spot and report a double message
("Janice, your words say you won't go into my drawers, but your actions
say you will.") Then teach your kids how to use
respectful
and
to declare and enforce their
personal
rights and boundaries effectively. Your
coaching and modeling these will probably work better than lecturing...
Primary Problem 3) You
co-parents are unconsciously modeling excessive doubt and
distrust
for yourselves, each other, your kids, and/or someone else ("I've
never met an honest lawyer / Democrat / saleswoman /...yet"). This
silently encourages your custodial and visiting children to (a) feel
subliminally insecure, and (b) be judgmental, guarded, suspicious, and skeptical. A
related possibility is that you co-parents may not have seen any reason yet to
talk together about forming a policy in and between your homes about
family-member trust. A "policy" is a group of implied or spoken
rules that start ["You should (not) / must (not) / ought (not) / can
(not) / have to... ] Note that "no policy" is a policy!
A
possible real problem preventing you all from talking together as a
co-parenting team is unhealed ex-mate distrust,
disrespect, resentment, disinterest,
intimidation, jealousy, and or
hostility. Under those usually
lurk (a)
adult psychological
wounds,
contributing to (b) blocked grief, and
(c) unawareness s. Once
admitted, all can be improved! One
symptom of these three core problems is co-parents vehemently denying the
reality that they're teammates a multi-home
stepfamily with common child-raising goals.
Solution options: you adults help
each other to become aware of your own individual and collective
values, habits, and policies about interpersonal trust
- in general, and with your stepfamily members. Talk and evolve common ideas on how to build
trust together intentionally, if it's missing. Ever thought of doing
that?
Option:
assess your personal and co-parental
priorities honestly. If building and keeping trust within and
between you stepfamily members isn't really important to you, then
acknowledge that without guilt or shame. Stop flogging yourself to solve your
child(ren)'s problem. If trust-building is important to you but you
don't know how - read on!
Options:
study this sample family good-grief policy,
and use it to inspire a written stepfamily-wide policy about trust; and
base your policy on your stepfamily mission
statement. Do you have one yet? Complex, multi-year stepfamily mergers
really need one!
Option:
Work at co-parent Project
3 (clarify your stepfamily identity and
and Project
4 (turn
60 common stepfamily myths into
realistic expectations) together. Do these with your minor kids' long-term welfare in
mind. If you're not willing to do that now - what does that say about your
real life priorities?
Another possible unseen problem beneath excessive stepsibling distrust is...
Primary Problem 4)
You
mates have one or more serious, scary personal-health and/or re/marital
problems that you're avoiding by focusing on one or more
"kid-related" problems - like "excessive stepsibling distrust."
Mysteriously, one of your kids may be unconsciously cooperating by
choosing a family-scapegoat role. S/He's "acting out" so everyone can
focus on their "bad behavior" instead of the real adult
problem.
If
you all are avoiding, it is surely a symptom of deeper problems: (a) one
or more of you co-parents is used to
being dominated by a false self. That suggests that
(b) because of
[unseen inner wounds + normal human
+ unawareness ], (c)
one or both of you may have made up to three wrong re/marital
choices.
If
so, and you and/or your partner divorced before, it's likely that
(your false self) will do anything to
avoid the horror of another relationship "failure" -
specially if you're a middle- aged bioparent. Perspective: some people estimate that
over half of U.S. stepfamilies re/divorce
legally or psychologically...
Solution options: screw up your courage
and (a) work at
and Project 7 thoroughly and honestly, in that order. Choosing objective professional
help to do this can lower your risk of protective self-deceptions
(denials). Together, these two projects will start to reveal if you and/or your
mate (and ex mate/s) (a) are psychologically
and if
(b) one or both of
you made wrong remarital choices. I propose that it's better to know that now
and take positive action, rather than ruefully own it years from now as an
elderly person with wounded adult kids and grandkids...
Yet
another possible hidden cause of your "stepsibling distrust" problem is...
Primary Problem 5) You
adults aren't clear and united yet on how to effectively resolve
relationship
problems in and between your co-parenting homes. If so, it probably means
your kids aren't either, including identifying and resolving their distrust
problems. Quick test: can you name the seven communication
that promote
effective communication and problem-solving? Most people can't.
Solution option: _ read
these articles on healthy relationships, and
basic premises about solving relationship problems.
Then _ make co-parent Project
2 a high shared priority. Once
you co-parents get grounded and raise your fluency in these seven vital skills,
then model
them and teach them to your kids. Then use the skills together to help
your kids resolve problems beneath and caused by excessive distrust.
Primary problem 6)
You co-parents may be _ vague or unclear about the symptoms and
important differences between step-sibling distrust and dislike,
disinterest, disrespect,
jealousy (insecurity), and possible sexual
tension. You also may not _ be clear and _ united enough
in defining each of your co-parenting roles
(caregiving responsibilities.) Finally, one or more of you may not yet be aware
of the four concurrent sets of needs that typical stepkids
(like yours) have.
Solution options: _ follow
each of the links above, and tailor and apply the ideas you find there.
Then _ read this summary of stepkids'
typical needs. Based on that, _ assess
each of your kids for their status with their set of needs. Then _ do
Project
6
to get clear on which of you adults are responsible for doing what, for which
child.
If
you adults can all...
- agree you're a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily with common goals (# 3
above); and...
- are well along on learning the seven
communication skills together (# 5 above); and...
- are each and all clear enough on what...
_ an effective
co-parent, and a...
_ high-nurturance
family, and a...
_ healthy
relationship is; then...
- you'll be able to cooperatively
resolve values differences, loyalty conflicts,
and relationship triangles that will
arise among you as you do this vital caregiving work. (Whew). Condition:
this is most likely if each of your three or more co-parents is sure
they're usually being
guided by their true Self. Are
you sure of that now?
You've just read a lot of abstract words and suggestions. Where is your mind
focused? What are you feeling? Recall why you began reading this article:
what problem/s are you trying to solve? Now that you have an overview,
consider reviewing each of the six proposed real problems above, one at
a time. See if one or more feels "right" for your situation.
Recap
Over their years together, biological sisters and brothers grow clear expectations of how each other will
act in common situations. They learn what to trust
and distrust about each other. New stepsiblings are usually strangers. Their
life experience has either taught them to be suspicious of strangers, or
inherently trusting.
When bioparents remarry, everyone starts to unconsciously assess which of
their new step-relatives are trustworthy (won't cause discomfort or pain), and
which aren't. Kids who are insecure from prior family events and low parental
nurturance can be extra distrustful of their new co-parent/s and
visiting or residential new stepsisters and stepbrothers.
When distrust is chronic and excessive, it blocks healthy bonding and
relationships among all affected stepfamily members. This article offers
some basic perspective on how trust forms in childhood, and outlines typical surface
problems - i.e. symptoms of (step)sibling distrust. Then it proposes six potential real problems underneath these typical surface
symptoms, and co-parental options for resolving each of them.
Because your kids know less of the world than you adults, they need your help
in intentionally building healthy trust (safeties) between them. The higher
your "TQ," or trust quotient (knowledge) is, the better you'll be
able to help them grow faith in each other. If you caregivers can each clearly
answer the TQ questions in this article, you're well armed to provide that
vital nurturance!
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http://sfhelp.org/Rx/sibs/distrust.htm