The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/halfsib.htm
[file:///C:/prf/SI/site/intro-insert.htm]
A sibling is a brother or sister.
When two children have the same biological mother
and different fathers, or the same father and different mothers, they are "half-siblings" because they share one half of
the genes that full biosiblings (same mother and father) have. This article for
co-parents, older kids, and supporters offers perspective on what
it's like to be a half sibling, and how half-siblings may affect stepfamily
dynamics, structure, and development.
To get the most from reading
this, first read...
-
These stepfamily
basics and
and the...
-
millions of U.S.
stepfamilies are highly stressed; and...
-
factors that create a
("functional") family; and...
-
the primary
of most stepfamily problems,
and...
-
this perspective
on conceiving an "ours" child in a stepfamily;
and...
- these
premises
about all stepfamily relationship problems
If
you know a minor or grown half-brother or half-sister, keep them in mind as you
read this. Option: ask that person to read this article and comment
on it.
This two-page article includes...
Example
Martha
Hendricks had divorced her first husband Jeff when she was 27, after a
six-year marriage. She retained custody of their sons, Frank (3) and Alex
(5). Three years later, she remarried Nicholas Barker (39), the divorced
custodial father of Louis (9) and Cathy (12). She took Nick's last name, so
their three-home nuclear stepfamily included...
-
Martha and Nick Barker, Lou and Cathy
Barker, and Frank and Alex Hendricks; and...
-
Jeff Hendricks and Sheila Barker, the kids'
other bioparents.
Their
included four sets of
grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins living all over the country. If
Jeff or Sheila started to date another partner seriously, the
Barker-Hendricks stepfamily would expand to include the new partner's
multi-generational family.
Two year after exchanging vows and moving into a new home and weighing
the complex pros and cons, Nick and Martha joyously conceived an "ours"
child - Martin. The four other kids ranged from excited to indifferent
about the new Barker, their half-brother. Many things changed with
Martin's birth: family routines, including food shopping and meals;
space
(Frank and Alex had to room together);
finances (Martha shifted to working
part time and took a pay cut); and Nick and Martha's wills, insurance coverages,
and chances for
undistracted intimacy.
Frank and Alex discovered that their Mom suddenly had less time for each of
them, and was often more harried and tired than she used to be. Visits to
favorite relatives were different too - often the adults and cousins focused
on the baby, so the other kids - specially Frank - felt "demoted" at times.
He had lost his life-long rank as "youngest child," which had brought him
special attention before Martin's birth. As the oldest child, Cathy (15)
had mixed feelings about her new role as chief baby sitter.
Neither Martha and Nick had any prior experience with co-managing a stepfamily
or parenting half-siblings. So they each had lots of uncertainties and
questions, as did their kids, relatives,
and close friends. Their early goal was to treat all the kids the same, and
ignore the roles and titles of stepson, stepdaughter, stepbrother,
stepsister, and "half brother." The adults referred to
Martin as "your baby brother" to the other four kids, which encouraged
them to call him "my brother Marty." This habit unexpectedly
caused some confusions and unrealistic expectations when Marty started to go
to school.
Martin symbolized Martha and Nick's deep commitment to their remarriage,
which caused all four existing kids to lose any lingering hope
that their bioparents and birth family would reunite. Martha's son Frank
took this specially hard, though he told no-one how sad and angry he felt.
Martin's birth caused the same painful loss for Martha's ex husband Jeff and her
Mother Nan, who hadn't consciously realized she hadn't fully grieved
(accepted) her daughter's divorce. She liked her former son-in-law, and
they stayed in touch.
Over coffee with a good friend, Martha confided that having an "ours" child
raised her confidence that she and Nick would never redivorce. Like many
co-parents who minimize or ignore their stepfamily
she and Nick
underestimated the inevitable web of stressful
and
conflicts and
that Martin's
arrival would cause them all, including their ex mates and some relatives.
They also had little awareness of what it would feel like to be a
half sibling as they all shared experiences and grew older together. As they
mature, typical half-sibs experience questions and feelings that other
family members and supporters may understand, but usually can't really
empathize with.
Similarities and Differences
Can you describe what a social
is? Brother,
sister, and half-brother or sister are family
roles, not people. So saying "Marian's a great sister" really means "I
love the way Marian fulfills my expectations in the role of my
sister," not necessarily that she's a great person. This distinction
may be useful if anyone in your family "doesn't like" another child
- e.g.
"You need to respect Marian's rights and dignity as a human being, even if
you don't like the way she behaves as your (step/half) sister."
In some ways, being a half-sib is no different than being a full sib. Both
have personal identities and
developmental and
family-adjustment needs,
personalities, names, problems, talents, friends, school and/or jobs, hobbies,
dreams, possessions, limitations, and bodies. These similarities can mislead other family
members into ignoring or minimizing the differences, and what they
may mean to the half-sib and their family. There are at least seven
interactive differences, which can each range between "no
problem" to major personal and/or family confusion, stress, and conflict:
Let's take a brief look at each of these...
Planned or Unexpected Conception?
Whether a child was mutually wanted and planned powerfully affects
any family. Four situations can occur: (a) both parents genuinely want
to conceive and nurture a child together, as Nick and Martha did; (b) one
parent wants to conceive, and the other is ambivalent or doesn't want the
20-year obligations of parenting (again); (c) neither parent intends to
conceive, and is (unpleasantly?) surprised by doing so; and (d) one or both
parents choose to abort an unwanted child.
The
last three scenarios can cause major short and long-term stress in
and between mates and other family members over time, which are beyond the
scope of this article. These stressors may manifest as "half-sibling"
problems," but have nothing to do with the child. The problems usually stem
from...
-
one or both parents being wounded
of
low-nurturance childhoods, and...
-
the couple making one to three unwise
(e.g. chose not to
honestly discuss whether each wanted to conceive kids or not); and...
-
one or both parents or existing kids aren't
well-enough along in
prior
and...
-
the parents and key family supporters probably
aren't able to
and
effectively as nurturing
teammates.
Each of these factors will lower the
family's
This inevitably
promotes many secondary
problems,
and puts co-parents' descendents at risk of inheriting the toxic effects
of the [wounds unawareness]
Conception Timing
Divorce or mate-death, re/marriage, cohabiting, and combining and
stabilizing three or more biofamilies are complex, stressful life events
that each take adults and kids several years to adjust to. Even
if both parents want to conceive, taking on the added responsibilities,
losses, and changes of a new baby too soon after these major life
adjustments may
the mates and/or
other family members. Implication: mates' wholistic healths,
awareness, planning, and timing the conception of every "ours child"
(half-sibling) will have major effects on the well-being and growth of
all family members, and on their
functioning -
including admitting and adapting to the other half-sibling stressors
summarized below.
Before continuing, pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and
feelings...
Two impactful factors related to being a half-sister or half-brother
are...
Family Status or Rank
Have
you noticed that in families with several kids, one or more may
be favored or dubbed "the problem child" by other family members and supporters?
Was that true as you grew up? Can you name someone who
was or is the family Hero, Prince/ss, or Star? The "black sheep" or
"troublemaker"? Daddy's little girl? Such rankings are
inevitable (normal) in any family, and may cause minor to major resentments,
competitions, anxieties, hurt, anger, and conflicts.
In
typical stepfamilies, this ranking can
be amplified because there are two or three "types" of kids: (a) stepkids,
(b) half siblings (who are usually not stepkids, though their brothers
and sisters may be), and maybe (c) "ours" kids, born to a re/married couple.
Each family adult and child may un/consciously rank the importance of each type of child to them and to the whole family (e.g.
"stepkids aren't as good as, or are less important than, biokids.")
bioparents and
biochildren are deeply bonded, even if their personalities clash.
Genuine (vs. dutiful) bonding (caring, liking, and respecting, vs.
love) between stepparents and stepkids
usually takes years to evolve - and may never develop. This implies that
despite their good intentions, Nick and Martha would each have weaker bonds with
their two stepkids (rank their needs and feelings lower, in conflicts) than their genetic
children - including Martin. Reality check:
if you were Martha or Nick and your house was burning, which
child would you want to save
first?
Three
interactive factors that can cause family problems or teamwork in and
between related homes are (a) the type of child (above), (b) the quality of the
member-member bond, and (c) each person's ranking themselves in
relative family importance and status. ["I deserve more (or less) of
something than (another member) because (of some reason/s)."] So everyone in
the family must grapple with minor to major confusion,
and possible
resentment at the inevitable preferences of each family member toward each other
member.
This unconscious ranking is
strongly affected by each member's self esteem as
(a) a person, (b) a male or female, and (c) in each of their several family roles. Research
suggests that typical children of parental emotional and legal
may
feel less self-confidence, self-respect, and self-love ("self
esteem") compared to kids in intact high-nurturance biofamilies. That's often true of each of their
parents and some
ancestors, too - partly because of inherited excessive
and
partly from the traditional (unfounded) religious and social attitude that
divorce is a shameful personal and parental "failure."
A
common (surface) question this poses Martin and his family members is
"Are half siblings 'as
good as'
full siblings?" Each family member will evolve their own
answer. Pause and notice your own response, and
guess how any half-sibling you know would answer. Most lay people and
many family-professionals don't objectively analyze what
"as good as" means, or how each family member's opinion may
affect their family's roles, relationships, and
Two more potentially stressful differences between half, full, and step siblings
are...
Family Membership and Personal Identity
Try
saying out loud what "belonging to a family" and "being a
of my
family" mean to you. Most people feel that being a member means to feel as noticed,
valued, included, loved, and respected as each other member, and perhaps to
have the same last name. Think of someone else's family now, and notice how it
feels to not belong to, or be included as a member of, that group.
Family Membership
Psychologist Abraham
Maslow suggested that after needing current and near-term physical comfort
and security, the third and fourth highest
are
to (a) belong to (feel
accepted in) some social group, and then to (b) feel recognized and special (unique,
admired, and valuable) in that
group. Do you agree?
Typical half-siblings in high-nurturance families feel fully accepted by
their parents and genetic relatives. They often don't feel full
members in their half-siblings' biofamilies, because they have no genetic
connection to or history with their sibling's other bioparent/s. Thus Martin
did not feel a legitimate, full member of either Frank and Alex Hendricks'
or Lou and Cathy Barker's biofamilies, despite having the same last name as
the latter. This semiconscious confusion about belonging to part of your
stepfamily but not other parts can be hard to articulate and empathize with.
It can add to the discomfort of not "feeling socially normal."
Other
than hermits, saints, visionaries, and mystics, most people (like you) need to feel "regular" and
"normal" enough - i.e. "as good as" others in their society. Because most
brothers and sisters are full genetic siblings, half-siblings like Martin
may feel subliminally or consciously irregular and abnormal
(uncomfortable) - specially if other people hold this bias. Paradoxically,
"ours" kids can also feel "better than" their half-siblings because their
parents are living together and married and/or committed (more normal, and
superior), not divorced and living separately (less normal, and inferior).
Personal Identity
Would you agree that every child and
adult has a unique
and that people range from confused to
vague to clear on knowing how they differ from every other human? Before reading further, try saying out loud what mix of traits create your
unique
identity. This can be hard to
answer for typical half-sibs like Martin - specially during the confusing
teen years. His accurate answer would include: "... and part of who I am is a full
male
member of my Mom and Dad's biofamilies, and I am not a full member
of my half-siblings' biofamilies." Ideally, Martin's
half-siblings' answers would include: "...and part of who I am is (a) the
daughter / son of
bioparents who is (b)
my many
(broken bonds); and I
am (c) a full member of, and am learning the roles of, stepchild and
stepsibling in the extended Hendricks - Barker stepfamily."
When
he was old enough to understand the concepts, Martin also felt confused abut whether he was a stepchild
and a member of a stepfamily like his sister and brothers were.
He was not a
stepchild, because he was the genetic son of Nick and Martha,
unlike his four half-siblings. Despite this,
Martin was a
member of a three-home nuclear stepfamily which included four
kids assigned the roles of stepchild, step-grandchild, and
stepsibling, and two adults
choosing to accept the complex, alien role of stepparent.
The clarity and relative value of a half-sibling's personal identity -
as defined by her/himself and each other family member - can range form "no problem" to "So I'm not as 'good' as'
- and don't deserve equal treatment as - one or more of my half sibs -
i.e. my dignity, rights,
needs, and opinions are worth less than his or hers." The
latter
attitude guarantees stressful household and stepfamily
and
conflicts, and
associated relationship
Typical
stepfamily adults
(including stepkids' "other bioparents" and their relatives) aren't
prepared to avoid or manage
these stressors effectively together. Can you define each of these four
stressors and
describe how to avoid or resolve them? Do you think typical
stepfamily adults like Nick and Martha could do so?
My consistent clinical and personal
experience with ~1,000 typical
and stepfamily
co-parents like them is "No."
Bottom line:
defining and agreeing on (a) personal identity and (b) family
membership can cause significant confusion and
personal and mutual stress for half siblings and their
family members. Often, they have difficulty clearly articulating their
discomfort and what they need ("I, uh, just wish I was part of a regular
[intact (bio)family..."].
Ideally, co-parents,
including ex mates, will anticipate and learn how to begin discussing
identity and family-membership confusions, conflicts, and needs thoroughly with each of
their family's kids and adults before having an "ours" child like
Martin. This can be a productive topic for a family meeting before or after a half-sibling arrives!
Before continuing, do you need a stretch break? Are you getting what you
need from this article so far? If not, refresh yourself on what you
and why...
In addition to planned or surprise conceptions, family status or rank, personal identity, and family
membership, two more potentially-stressful aspects of being a
half brother or half sister in a stepfamily are...
Family
Roles and Role-titles
A
role is an in/formal set of expected responsibilities and behaviors in a social or natural environment.
From childhood training, the media, and social experience, we each form
expectations of (a) ourselves and (b) other people in various situations -
e.g. "As a patient, I'm supposed to..., " and my doctor is supposed
to...,").
Family Role Confusion or Clarity
If
you are or were employed, how clear were or are you on what your executives
and co-workers expected of you - i.e. what the felt your specific responsibilities
and priorities were in your role as employee? Can you recall a time
you felt confused, frustrated, and anxious because you weren't sure what was
expected of you by some person or group? Many organizations now dictate or
negotiate in/formal "job descriptions" to fill the mutual need to agree on
(a) what - specifically - is expected of each employee in his or her
role, and (b) how will her or his performance be judged. If you've ever
had an verbal or written job description, was it useful? Who designed it - a
superior, you, both of you, or someone else?
Each person in any family
(like yours) has several vague or clear
roles relative to the other members - e.g. grandmother, daughter, sister,
wife, To illustrate this, say out loud your definition of the main responsibilities
of a woman in
the roles of mother, adult daughter, and wife. What specific
attitudes and behaviors do you expect from a
woman that distinguishes each of these roles from, say, uncle, spinster, or
sister in
law?
For
perspective, average intact biofamilies can have up to 15 standard roles,
like uncle, niece, Mom, daughter, grandfather and brother.
Most adults and
kids have several concurrent roles, like daughter, sister, granddaughter,
stepsister, niece, friend, student, school clarinet player, church member,
cat lover, and teenager. Typical divorcing families have several additional
roles, like custodial father, ex wife, and ex sister-in law.
Typical stepfamilies have up to
- at least half of
which are new and often alien and confusing to people like Martha,
Nick, and their kids, kin, and supporters.
Role-title Confusion and Conflict
To help negotiate and harmonize our roles with other people, we need
to agree on what each role will be called or titled.
each family evolves its
own role-title conventions over time - e.g. is Alex Martha's "stepson,"
"Alex," "my husband's younger son," "my kids' (step)brother, " or "our
son."? Family role-titles shift as shared experiences increase - e.g. Martha
may initially call Alex "Nick's son," then "my stepson Alex," then
"our boy Alex, and maybe "my son Alex." Each title evokes a
unique family
ranking (superior - inferior), associations (better - worse), role-expectations
[should (nots), musts, and have to's], and social meanings. Do you think
typical stepfamily members, including non-custodial parents and their
relatives, (a) discuss family role titles and (b) admit and resolve conflicts over
them effectively ("Alex is not 'your son,' he's your stepson!")?
Because being a "half" anything can un/consciously promote feeling
inferior and excluded, family members and supporters may avoid using the
role titles "half-brother and half-sister." Such denial often
promotes unintended personal or family role confusion, misunderstanding, and conflicts. These can be
amplified if family adults...
-
are significantly
and
-
minimize, intellectualize, or deny their
stepfamily
and what that
-
aren't clear on what the role of half-sibling is, how a half-sib "should feel and act," and
what typical half-sibs need, and don't want to admit or demonstrate
these;
-
are too distracted and/or disinterested to
ask about - and
to - kids' thoughts, feelings, and needs about
their identities, family membership and role confusions, and role-titles;
And/or family
adults and supporters may...
-
un/consciously rank half-siblings "not as
good as," and/or feel kids in that role symbolize some personal failure or lack: e.g. "I
really didn't want another child but Nick did, so I went along - and I
privately feel really guilty about (violating my integrity)
and pretending that I don't feel ambivalent about wanting Martin;" and/or
co-parents may...
-
feel
because they
honestly feel a stronger bond with an "ours" child than with one or more
stepkids or prior biochildren, and feel this is 'wrong'; and/or they...
-
feel conflicted internally and/or with other
family members [specially a mate, and or their child ("I don't want to
be called a half anything!")] over what role-title to use for a
half-sib, and/or what a role title means; and/or react to...
-
some other unique personal or family
factors.
Bottom line - significant personal, household, and stepfamily
role-stress (confusion and
conflicts) can occur when adults and kids (a) aren't clear and agreed on their
family roles
(responsibilities, priorities, and standards); and/or they (b) confuse the roles with people, (c) are
conflicted over some family responsibilities and/or who's responsible for
performing them; and/or (d) what to call one or more
of the roles. These stressors are
specially likely in families with half siblings like Martin because...
-
adult wounds, unawareness, ignorance (lack of
relevant knowledge), and biases, and
adults'...
-
inabilities to
respect and empathize with the unique feelings and needs of half-sibs and other members,
and co-parents'...
-
inabilities to
and
as co-parenting
Once
co-parents like Nick and Martha and their ex mates and relatives are
aware of and accept these stressors, they can help each other avoid or reduce each
of them if (a) their
usually
their
and (b) they're
steadily motivated to learn and accept stepfamily
realities and effective-communication
basics and skills (work patiently at Project 2).
Note that
typical minor stepfamily kids like Lou, Cathy, Frank, Alex, and Martin can't understand these concepts or ask clearly
for what they need about family roles and role titles - they depend on their
adults to know this and take responsibility for minimizing role-related
stresses among them all. Note that
in this non-profit Web site is
about evolving a meaningful stepfamily mission (vision) statement - early,
and using it together to negotiate effective family
and related rules and
Before continuing, reflect - why are you reading this? Are you getting what
you need yet? Do you need a stretch break before reading page 2?
Continued...
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