The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/halfsib.htm
Continued from page 1...
You've just read about (a) key similarities and difference between people in the
roles of half and full siblings, and (b) brief perspectives on typical
half-siblings and stepfamily rank, status, membership, roles and role
titles, and personal identity. To nurture well, co-parents and supporters need to
factor in
several more things related to minor and grown half siblings, like...
Last-name Stressors
Last names can have powerful influence on family
rankings
and membership
(inclusion / exclusion). Typical stepfamily
half-siblings like Martin may not have the same last name
as (a) their biological mother, if she has not taken her new mate's last
name; and as (b) their mother's prior kids, ex mate/s, and their
biorelatives. This can promote complex inclusion and loyalty conflicts and
relationship triangles if the family adults...
-
aren't aware of
them, and/or...
-
are blocked in grieving prior losses, and/or...
-
don't
communicate and
problem-solve effectively.
For example, Martha's ex husband Jeff's
last name is Hendricks. Martin's last name is Barker.
Jeff probably doesn't include Martin or Alex and Frank's two
Barker stepsiblings Lou and Cathy as full member of his own biofamily - even if he accepts his own membership in the
multi-home Hendricks-Barker stepfamily.
This may cause favoritisms (loyalty conflicts),
implied or overt exclusions
("No, Martin, Lou, and Cathy aren't invited to our
Hendricks-clan reunion), hurts, resentments, and/or reliefs:
"Boy, I'm glad I don't have to go to that boring reunion. I don't know any
of those people, anyway."
Siblings and bioparents having different last names can promote (us vs.
them) divisions, comparisons, and competitions in a stepfamily, not unity.
This is specially likely if one or more co-parents are significantly wounded
(ruled by a false self) and unable to communicate and problem-solve
effectively. By itself, name conflicts may not be a significant problem.
When combined with the other six stressors summarized in this article, they
can become a flashpoint among a half-sibling's family members.
Reflect: what would it have been like growing up having a different last
name than your mother or a brother or sister? If you know a half-sibling,
ask them about this.
Options: ask each child in the family how they feel about having
different last names. They may not have thought about it, or don't really
care, or it may be causing significant discomfort they have repressed and
need to vent about. Also, be alert to how you introduce your family in
public. "We're the Barkers" is more apt to cause some kids
confusion and
resentment than "We're the Barker-Hendricks stepfamily."
Two
more factors that may cause some stepfamily discomfort are...
Kids' Birth Order and Ages
Half-siblings like Martin are usually the youngest child in their
unless an ex mate
re-couples and conceives a new person. Being "the baby of the family" can be
a mixed blessing. If each older child feels well-loved and secure in their
identities and family roles, having their adults give extra attention to the
youngest boy or girl can be OK. Otherwise, jealousies,
hurts, resentments, and rivalries can flourish
openly or covertly.
Because Nick and Martha are veteran parents and probably middle-aged, they
may parent their new son in a way that unintentionally causes pain to one or
more older kids. For example, if Nick is a demonstrative, loving man, he may
hold, caress, kiss, and show delight in young Martin in ways that his
stepsons never got from their biofather Jeff. If Nick's children were
spanked and shamed for acting badly and Martha won't permit Nick to do that
to young Martin (a
his older kids may
feel "That's not fair!" They may also resent their biomom Nina
not protecting them the way Martha shields Marty. The same is true of
grandparents' behavior and attitudes about a new half sibling, compared to
what they did as younger adults.
The
kids' age differences may or may not be a significant problem for some
stepfamily members. If all stepsibs and half-sibs are fairly close in age,
they can be playmates and share friends and common interests. A significant
age gap between the new child and her or his half-sibs (e.g. if they are all
teens or young adults), promotes a child like Martin feeling separate, alone,
and "different." Genuine bonding is more likely if the kids are closer in
age, though there are many exceptions.
Family Bonds and Loyalties
These two primal family-system factors simultaneously nurture family
relationships and unity, and - paradoxically - may also cause major family stress in and between
family homes. That's specially true in average stepfamilies, with or without
half-siblings.
Family Bonds (Attachments)
How
would you describe a bond between to people to an average 12-year-old?
Lets say that a "bond" is a felt spontaneous
emotional/spiritual connection with (attachment to, caring about) another
living thing, a ritual, place, or idea. Social bonds can be one-way or two-way (reciprocal), platonic
or romantic-erotic, short term to permanent, and minor to normal to
excessive - e.g. obsessions and/or codependence. Bonds differ from
dependencies in that the latter are more about need-fulfillment than selfless
appreciation of and caring concern for the other person.
Healthy
grandparents, bioparents, and their genetic kids - and
wholistically-healthy mates - share unusually strong, resilient,
long-term bonds. Best friends, and some owners and pets do too. Some people achieve a powerful
long-term bond with their Higher Power, and/or other responsive spiritual
entities like a Guardian Angel, Spirit Guide, Totem, or Higher Self. Do
you know anyone like that?
Bonds between pairs of
family members vary from strong
to weak to none. Many factors determine the pattern of these bond
intensities. In the Hendricks-Barker stepfamily, Nick Barker's strongest bonds are
with his wife and his three biokids, including Martin.
Martha's deepest
attachments are to her three sons and her husband Nick. Frank and Alex
Barker and Lou and Cathy Hendricks are most bonded with their respective
bioparents and each other. Their interest in and caring about their
stepparent and stepsiblings are weaker. Martin has no shared
experiences or bonds with either of his half-siblings' other parent (Jeff
Hendricks and Nina Barker) and their relatives, and vice versa.
When
co-parents and kin trivialize or ignore their stepfamily identity ["We're
just a normal (bio)family"], kids may assume or be told that they should
"love" their stepsibs, any half-siblings, and their stepparent and
step-relatives like (ideal) intact-biofamily members. The common reality is - they
don't. This promotes pretenses, insincerity, hurts, distrust,
confusions, and
until the co-parents
grow realistic
stepfamily expectations in themselves and other people.
"No, Alex Honey, you don't have to
love Nick, Cathy,
Lou, or Martin, and they don't have to love you, because we're a normal stepfamily. We're all learning to appreciate and respect each other as
we share experiences and get to know each other better. Hopefully we'll' all
learn to care about each other as good friends - and may even learn to love
each other, like your Dad and I love you and Frank, and Nick and I love
Martin."
Family Loyalty Conflicts
Pause
and reflect: who are you loyal to? Who among the many people you know
are loyal to you? Loyalty - a genuine (vs. dutiful) desire
to support, protect, and care for another person in conflict or chaos - is
proportional to how well-bonded two people are. Family identity, pride, and loyalties
vary by ethnic group, tradition, and local factors.
Part
of the complex, conflictual process of
several biofamilies
into a stable multi-
is
evolving shared senses of identity, bonding, friendships, and loyalties
among adults and kids who usually don't know each other; - i.e. developing a
sense of "our stepfamily" from "your biofamily and ours."
For
many years, this
merger process inevitably creates many situations where an adult or child
must choose whom to support between two or more conflicted family
members. Not choosing is not an option
and an unrealistic expectation.
Everyone in a typical
stepfamily -
including co-grandparents and ex mates - gets many chances to be "in the
middle."
Typical remarried mates like Martha and Nick aren't
prepared for the
ceaseless need to choose between several people they care about - specially if
they ignore or discount their stepfamily identity.
Arguably, mates' inability to avoid
and resolve
major loyalty conflicts effectively is the biggest surface reason for
the U.S. re/divorce epidemic. Five
promote this.
Half-siblings can trigger webs of complex loyalty conflicts and triangles even
before they're conceived. For example, Frank Hendricks sees that his
Dad Jeff is upset when he learns that his ex Martha and Frank's
stepfather are considering having an "ours" child. Jeff feels an unexpected
surge of jealousy, hurt, and sadness facing the reality that his former
partner loves and is sexually intimate with another man, and may co-create a
child with him.
Frank is now in the middle between his bioparents - should
he be glad his mother may have another child, or support his father and oppose
it? Jeff's parents and adult siblings may also feel torn - should they feel
glad at having new grandchild and niece or nephew, or should they empathize
with Jeff? Frank's brother Alex may feel torn too - should he side with his
brother and biofather, or with his mother's pleasure in anticipating a new
baby? There are no widely-accepted social rules to tell each person how they
"should" feel and act in loyalty conflicts like these, partly because our
society trivializes stepfamilies, so far.
Ex Mates and Their Relatives
Previously-divorced stepfamily co-parents and their new mates can discount
or ignore the feelings, values, rights, and needs of their kids' "other
bioparent/s" and/or their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Minor and grown stepkids are affected by both
genetic parents and
their living and dead kin in many ways.
Two
key variables are whether...
-
each re/married mate genuinely accepts each
stepchild's other living or dead (bio)parent and related genetic
relatives as a full member of their stepfamily, and whether...
-
each "other parent" or relative acknowledges
their stepfamily identity and wants to accept membership in it.
Note that
divorcing parents like Jeff
Hendricks and Nina Barker adults didn't choose their stepfamily membership,
their ex mate's re/marriage imposed it.
If
any adults or kids are conflicted about ex-mates' (and their new mates and
stepkids, if any) family membership, everyone - including half-sibs like
Martin - will get confused and tangled loyalty and family-role conflicts,
and associated relationship triangles, for years. Useful options for
identifying and resolving significant membership conflicts are having
everyone evolve and discuss a multi-generational "genogram"
(family map) and/or a
family-structure diagram.
A second common surface
source of ex mate stressors is money-related issues. If there is
harmony and cooperation among divorcing and new mates and relatives over
child support, pre-re/marital debts, insurance, and estate plans, then no
problem. The more common case is significant
conflict over one or more of
these.
Where
true, many adults waste time and energy fruitlessly arguing over the surface
symptoms of "money battles" because they're unaware of what's really
causing them. These battles get amplified if kids are asked to - or choose
to - take sides. ("Dad says he won't increase child support because you blow
it on stupid luxuries instead of spending it on us like you should!")
Thirdly,
(wounded, unaware) ex mates and/or their relatives can promote major loyalty
and values conflicts and triangles in and between co-parenting homes if they
imply or tell their biokids that their younger ("spoiled") half-sibling is
getting preferential treatment by their parents and/or some relatives
("Marty's grandparents shower him with birthday and year-end holiday gifts,
and give you guys almost nothing!") If half-sibs hear this, they may
feel confused and unwarranted guilt over their relative's priorities, though
they're not responsible for them.
|
Until
new mates like Nick and Martha proactively (a) forge an effective strategy
to expect, avoid, and resolve these common stressors, and (b) acknowledger
and reduce the
that cause them, the
stressors will relentlessly lower their stepfamily's nurturance level and
promote their kids developing protective
and related
psychological
|
Bottom line: uneven bondings among stepfamily members are inevitable,
and guarantee
webs of stressful values, membership (inclusion), role, and loyalty conflicts triggered by many things.
These start in courtship, and include financial assets and debts; child
support, visitations, custody, education, friends, activities, and adoption; pets;
space and privacy; food and meals; household chores; religion and
worship, family celebrations and vacations; changing homes; first and last
names; and so on. Having one or more "ours" children like Martin increases these
conflicts in many unexpected ways.
Suggestions to Co-parents of Half-Siblings
Though every stepfamily is unique, there all co-parents
can do things before and after exchanging vows to promote a high nurturance-level in and between homes that include
one or more half-siblings:
During Courtship (Ideally)...
-
Accept your stepfamily
and learn what
that
- including
stepfamily myths and
norms. Then patiently teach
these to your other members and family supporters.
-
Agree on
who belongs to your
stepfamily; and work patiently to help all your family members form
realistic role and relationship expectations of yourselves and each
other. This includes
-
studying and discussing the
you all will
have to merge, problem-solve, and stabilize over many years if you
choose to join your biofamilies. It also includes...
-
drafting effective strategies on how to (a) avoid
and (b) recognize, discuss, and resolve inevitable
and
conflicts
and divisive
-
Help
each other and each kids develop an awareness of human
and of
why
they exist, and how they operate.
-
Discuss and compare key
attitudes like these with your other adults and kids. They'll
affect the quality of your stepfamily-members' communications and degree
of harmony or conflict among you all.
-
Discuss having "ours" kids honestly. If one partner wants to
conceive and the other is ambivalent or doesn't, don't underestimate
this values-conflict's power to erode your relationship! Beware assuming
that having one or more "ours" children will guarantee re/marital
security. There are many more
complexities to
child conception in a stepfamily compared to an average intact biofamily!
-
Learn about the [wounds + unawareness]
and how to
reduce or break it by patiently creating
co-parenting
homes for you and your kids. This requires each partner to...
-
want to
yourself
and each other for
and commit
to helping each other
any you find;
and to...
-
work patiently help each other to learn,
apply, and model (a) healthy
and (b)
effective communication
basics and problem-solving
among all
your members - including ex mates. Check all your adults and kids -
including yourselves - for
of
incomplete or blocked grief, and learn and discuss your
options if you find any.
-
Learn (a) kids' normal
developmental needs and (b) special
family-adjustment needs
following parental divorce or death, re/marriage, co-habiting,
and merging your biofamilies into a stable stepfamily. Family adults
assess each minor child's
status with these overlapping sets of needs, and negotiate who is
responsible for helping to fill which needs for which child. This often
requires divorcing parents to commit to patiently reducing any
to
effective co-parenting.
Option - evolve and use meaningful adult
to promote co-parenting teamwork and cooperation
-
When each courting partner (and perhaps an
informed pre-re/marital
feels satisfied
they both have progressed well enough on these tasks (i.e. on
each partner
honestly make three wise
stepfamily-courtship decisions - i.e. do
These
are illustrative suggestions, not a thorough or absolute list. If
you haven't done any of these during courtship, do them as soon as you can!
After You Commit and Cohabit...
Steadily
prize and nourish your primary relationship.
Partners guard all of you by (a) clarifying what
you each want to
fill with your primary relationship, and then by (b) intentionally helping
each other fill these needs well enough, a day at a time - i.e. work
steadily at
together. The common
alternative is to mistakenly assume "Love will conquer all, and our
marriage will take care of itself."
Reality: stepfamilies don't
fail - re/marriages do! In major conflicts where you can't find viable
compromises, agree to put your wholistic health (including
wound-recovery), personal rights, and
first, your
primary relationship second, and all else third, except in emergencies.
Explain to your kids and anyone who questions this ranking that you're
really putting the kids first long term by guarding against
possible divorce.
As you mates
discuss the complex pros
and cons of having an "ours" child, give special emphasis to "How will
we know we're all (not just you two) are ready?" The sooner a
new child is conceived after committing and cohabiting, the more likely
major compound stresses will result in and between mates and co-parenting
homes.
New
stepfamilies need several years to...
-
develop bonds, friendships,
and stable routines and home and family rituals;
-
replace stepfamily myths with realistic role
and relationship expectations, as you all...
-
merge co-parenting, financial,
communication, and home-management values and styles, and...
-
sort out and reduce inevitable
conflicts and co-parenting barriers, while you all help each other...
-
grieve many old and new
(broken bonds), and
adjust to webs of physical and invisible
changes.
Some new stepfamilies progress on and stabilize
these concurrent factors faster than others. The time they take is shaped by the slowest" family member to
accept and adapt to all of these complex issues. Can you name the "slowest"
member of your family to accept major personal and family-system changes?
Expect
waves of concurrent, stressful new values and loyalty conflicts and
relationship triangles when you first discuss having an ours child,
and for years afterwards. This implies you mates and other adults first
need to learn and agree on what each of these factors is, and how they all
would combine to affect
your family's development, nurturance, and stability.
The overarching task is for family adults to intentionally evolve effective
strategies to (a) avoid and (b) spot and resolve these conflicts and
triangles - as teammates, not opponents. This is no small challenge amidst the
ongoing daily welter of activities, responsibilities, and problems!
Finally...
Help each other to remain sensitive and responsive to each
half-sibling's needs and feelings related to personal and family identity;
family rank, status, role confusion, inclusion and membership; last names;
and values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. "Being
responsive" can manifest as you adults periodically asking kids like Martin
and his siblings things like this...
-
Do you understand what a stepfamily is, and
how it's different from other kinds of family?
-
How do you feel about belonging to a
stepfamily when you are not a stepchild (don't have a stepparent)?
-
Do you understand what a half brother/sister
is? What a stepbrother/sister is?
-
Do you feel that half siblings and step
siblings are just as
good as full siblings?
-
What do you like about having (half
siblings)? Be prepared for "Nothing" or "I don't know."
-
How do you feel about being a
half-sister/brother in our home and stepfamily? How do you think each
other child feels about this?
-
Do you know that it's OK and normal for
stepkids and stepparents not to love each other right away, and
that they should work at learning to know, respect, and make friends
with each other?
-
How do you feel about your (half-sibs) going
to visit their other parent when you live with both of (your bioparents)
and aren't included in the visitations?
-
How do you feel when your bioparent/s, half
sibling/s and their relatives talk about experiences in their first
family which didn't include you?
-
How does it feel to have a different last
name than your (half sib and her or his biofamily)?
-
Do you ever feel caught in the middle
between two or more people in our home and family?
-
What would you like the grownups in our
family to know about being a half brother/sister in our family?
-
Are any of your friends half-sisters or
brothers? If so, do you ever talk about this with each other?
-
Do you tell people at school that you have
(half siblings)? If so, how do they react?
You
all will probably develop other questions about specific stepfamily role and
relationship issues like
Incidentally,
note your options of (a) asking other family adults similar questions and
discussing them, and (b) discussing topics like these in dinner
conversations and/or family
meetings.
If this seems like a lot of things
to juggle and manage amidst other complex stepfamily-merger
tasks and daily life - it
is!
Suggestions if You're a Half-sibling
These ideas assume you're a teen-ager or older. If you're not, ask your adults to explain them...
-
Work to evolve a
view of your
multi-home stepfamily and how it will
develop over time,
rather than focusing on current problems with one or a few members (like
your nosey, self-centered half-sister or how rude she is to your
mother).
-
Help all of your family members stay aware that
half sister or brother (and
stepbrother, stepsister, and stepparent) are
not people.
This shared awareness can help you all (a) clarify your expectations and
primary needs of each other, and (b) focus on identifying and resolving role
(responsibility, values, and behavior) conflicts, vs. getting tangled up in personal
criticisms, defenses, and counterattacks.
-
Study and
tailor these
similarities and differences between half and full siblings to fit your
situation, and study these
questions and answers. Then invite other family members to study, tailor,
and discuss the ideas on these articles with you and each other.
-
Choose to
use appropriate
with family members and supporters, even if
they ignore, discount, or criticize you for doing so. Start by respectfully reminding
people you all are a stepfamily - e.g. "My Mom is Cathy's
stepmother." If someone refers to a sibling as "your brother (or sister),"
consider whether it's worth clarifying that s/he is your half-brother or
sister. Expect that some people won't understand or care what that is, and/or why
you're clarifying these titles.
-
Accept your stepfamily identity, and learn what it
One
meaning is that your
stepfamily members don't "have to" love each other -
i.e. you half-siblings don't have to expect each other to feel and
act like full siblings, and you don't have to love their
other parent and his or her relatives, and vice versa. Also, your
half sibs who are stepkids don't "have to" love each other, or their
stepparent (your biomom or biodad).
Shoot for patiently earning
mutual respect, empathy, and potential friendship. Some degree of
love may or may not develop, as you all merge your biofamilies and share life experiences a day
at a time - that's a bonus!
-
Familiarize yourself with your and your
half-sibs' developmental
and family-adjustment
needs, and decide (a) how you're each doing at filling them -
specifically, and (b) which you need informed adult help to fill.
-
(a)
Evolve and use a Personal Bill
of Rights, and encourage your family adults and kids to do the same.
Then (b) work to acquire effective
and
and (c) learn
how to
and respectfully
your primary
needs and negotiate filling them with your other family members and
others. Then (d) learn how to spot, describe, and resolve values and
loyalty conflicts and associated relationship triangles; and (e)
encourage your family adults to
do the same.
-
To raise your awareness of - and empathy for -
problems your half-sibs are having with their stepparent (your biodad or
mom), scan this perspective
and any relevant
for options.
Option - ask them to do the same, and then discuss what you all
learn. Stay clear on your
- you are probably
not responsible to solve their problems (fill their primary
needs) - they are!
-
Read these ideas about co-parents
having an "ours" child,
and notice your reactions. Discuss the article and/or your reactions with
your parents or other family adults or supporters.
-
Stay alert to ask other family members how they feel
about your role as a half-sibling, and how they see your role as being the same
as, and different from, the role of a full genetic sibling and/or a step-sibling.
-
Periodically assess and affirm what you like about being a half-sister or
brother in your stepfamily, and let people know about this!
Recap
Half-siblings have the same mother or father, but different fathers or
mothers. being a half sibling in a typical multi-home stepfamily with older
kids can cause minor to major personal, household, and family-system
problems.
This article summarizes perspective on seven inter-related factors that can
range from "no problem" to "major stressor" for typical half-siblings and
their family members:
The article then offers
courtship and post-commitment suggests
for typical
co-parents of half-siblings,
and for teen or young-adult
half-sisters and brothers.
For more perspective, read these articles on stepfamily
and
and these answers to
common related questions.
+ + +
