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This is one of a series of
Web articles suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily
relationship problems. This Solutions sub-series focuses on solving
common
between stepfamily siblings. Most
ideas apply equally to divorced or widowed parents and their minor and grown
kids.
This gives perspective on this
nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best use it.
These
ideas aim to augment, not replace, other qualified professional
The
"/" in re/marriage notes it may be a stepparent's first union.
Get the most from reading this by first reading...
Our
English word hostile comes from the Latin root hostis, which
meant "enemy." We use that
label to describe someone who intentionally wants to harm, reject, and/or
control one or more other persons.
All families have the potential for hostility between
members who deny significant
and
Because typical
are
bigger and more
complex than intact biofamilies, their potential for significant
inter-member hostility is
higher.
or widowed bioparents who remarry someone with kids normally want their kids
and relatives to learn to care about
with) each
other. This article offers
perspective and action options
if you have
one or more minor or grown kids who feel major hostility toward a biological
or stepsibling.
Note
the other articles about reducing hostility between
ex
mates, and between
stepkids and a
stepparent. The same principles apply, with some key differences.
Before exploring options for resolving five possible causes of excessive stepsibling hostility, let's build some...
Perspective
Every relationship falls somewhere on the
spectrum between [ love - like - indifference - dislike -
hostility - hate ]. This article is about
reacting to stepsibling relationships which have graduated from
dislike to passive or
active hostility, in someone's opinion.
Premise: hostility differs from dislike in
the conscious desire to aggressively inflict physical and/or psychological discomfort on another
person. So a "hostile" stepsibling may need...
-
to punish or
gain revenge ("You hurt me, so I'll hurt you); and/or...
-
to defend
against a perceived threat, like the loss of belongings, safety,
privacy, and/or household or family favor, status, freedom, or
privilege); and/or they may need to...
-
enforce a
personal
(limit) to keep
their personal
and
self-respect; and/or a hostile stepchild may need to...
-
get a
response from someone else, like attention from a disinterested
or distracted parent, relief from an aggressor, or impressing a peer; and/or
s/he may need to...
-
reduce anxiety by
feeling powerful and potent - "See - I do exist, and I can make you react (hurt)!"
Bottom
line: "hostility" is a
normal human
reaction to threatened or actual major discomfort or injury. It may also be an
unconscious way of releasing rage over some major losses.
The source of the threatened pain (the "enemy") may be internal
(e.g. shame and guilt), external, or both at once. Hostile behavior fills one or more local needs, which
are often unconscious. aren't. How
does this opinion compare to yours?
Two Kinds of Enemies
Kids and adults can experience temporary and long term
hostility. Modern "road rage" is temporary: normally-pleasant adults scream primal threats and curses, and even pursue and/or
shoot bullets at offensive fellow vehicle drivers. The surface threat
that triggers typical road rage incidents is anxiety about possible
injury or death caused by reckless, disrespectful fellow driver.
The intense rage bursts really come from (a) feeling disrespected - decoding other
drivers' actions as meaning something like "I care nothing about you,
your passengers, and other drivers right now," and/or from (b) repressed
anger and frustrations that aren't safe to express otherwise. When the
self-centered or distracted person drives
away
and the threat and implied disrespect fade, so (usually) does our temporary hostility.
In contrast, our media chronicles the "endless" mutual enmity and violence
between Israelis and some Arabian neighbors. Closer to home, long-term enmity
between slave owners and abolitionists caused over 600,000 people to die over the Civil War years. Since 1981, I've seen hundreds of
divorced parents choose to stay bitterly hostile to each other for years, despite
the deep psychological wounding that was causing the minor kids they each
genuinely loved. This is obviously not a "logical" or "rational" choice.
How Do (Some) People Heal
Hostility?
Reader's Digest, historians, and religious media provide inspiring stories of people
who have found ways to overcome long-term hostility, for a
"greater good." These stories prove that humans
(like your stepsiblings) do have the capacity to convert
bitter enmity into mutual tolerance and respect - or even cooperation. What's needed to activate that capacity
between
hostile kids? See how your answer compares to these premises:
-
People change
their values and
attitudes all the time - e.g. "When
I was younger, I respected people for how much money they earned and how
attractive they were. Now I respect people who focus their lives on helping
other living things."
-
Attitude changes happen
gradually or suddenly, when our (a) experience and knowledge, (b) personal needs, and/or (c)
our internal and/or outer environments change "enough."
-
The attitude of
hostility in one or two related people can be intentionally
converted into some degree of mutual tolerance and cooperation - if
each hostile person...
sees meaningful benefits to converting
their attitude; and...
wants to learn and use the seven
Project-2 communication
and...
sees the "enemy" as a
wounded person of
equal dignity, instead of bad; and...
identifies and
respectfully
what s/he
needs now from the "enemy" - e.g. respectful
and an admission, apology, explanation, or
a believable promise; and if s/he...
believes that the threat of discomfort originally
posed by the "enemy" is reliably gone.
Two final key
premises about converting hostility to mutual acceptance...
-
A child or adult is most apt to
choose these options if they're
their
rather than a protective
false self; and...
-
Kids are most apt to be free of
false-self dominance if their
primary
caregivers are and have been guided by their true Selves for some time.
Pause and breathe. Do you
think these premises could apply to your
co-parents and your "hostile" kids? If so, note the implication: each
premise is a place you can promote constructive change. If you don't
feel these premises apply, can you say why?
This site proposes that most social role and relationship problems are
surface symptoms of unmet
Trying to resolve the surface problems usually means they will keep
recurring in one form or another, until the underlying
are filled. Let's apply this idea to your "stepsib hostility problems":
Surface Symptoms
If one or more of your stepsiblings feel significant
chronic hostility toward another, some basic themes will probably be true:
-
The
child will repeatedly act in direct or indirect ways that cause a
stepbrother or sister significant discomfort;
and...
-
s/he
will steadily ignore the sibling's protests and other reactions,
despite (possible) comments or warnings by one or more of you
co-parents. The hostile child...
-
may deny, minimize,
or rationalize her or his hostile behaviors ("Lynnie makes me hit
her, because..."); and...
-
(a) neither child knows better
strategies for getting their needs met peacefully, and/or (b) the
"hostile" child/ren may not want to. Finally...
-
These recurring themes,
compounded by other household and stepfamily stressors, are probably causing
minor to major conflicts (a) within one or more co-parents, and
(b) between two or more of you. You may be enduring these, or
"fighting" about them, vs.
as care-giving teammates.
If
you have some version of these symptoms recurring in or between your co-parenting homes,
how can you reduce the resulting
stresses? Start with the idea that "excessive stepsibling hostility" is a
symptom of deeper unmet needs like these:
Identify
and Resolve the Primary Problems
If
your co-parents' best efforts to convert "stepsib hostility" into mutual acceptance and
tolerance (vs. friendship) aren't working, one or more of these may be
blocking you...
1) The "hostile" child may be stuck in
major prior
(broken bonds) from (a) biofamily separation and/or (b) parental
re/marriage and (c) stepfamily cohabiting and
A
common sign
of active or frozen mourning is significant "irritability" or
explosions.
For example, if the "hostile" child is still angry at her or his parents for divorcing and/or
re/marrying, it may be safer to express this anger at a stepsibling rather
than at a volatile or fragile bioparent.
If
this is true, it implies that you co-parents haven't yet (a) discussed
and evolved or (b) implemented an effective Good Grief
- and perhaps that
(c) one or more of you
are
in your own mourning.
This appears to be one of five common family
Solution option - ask your co-parenting
partners to review these
physical and
invisible loss inventories and then do
with you
- i.e. (a) learn good-grief
basics together, (b) assess your kids and adults for
blocked grief, and (c) patiently unblock any you find by evolving a
stepfamily policy
on admitting and accepting broken bonds. Can you describe your present
personal and family policies on how to handle major losses?
Another primary problem may be...
2)
Your "hostile" child/ren may expressing major anxiety because they
feel no adult/s are reliably in charge of their several homes.
If your child discipline is lax, inconsistent, ineffective, and/or
conflictual, resident and visiting kids often feel anxious, unsafe,
frustrated, and disrespectful. That may manifest as defiance, rebellion,
indifference, and/or hostility - specially in adolescents.
One
goal of child discipline is to provide order and security for
all regular household members, via clear rules and predictable, meaningful
consequences. A primal need that
typical stepkids have in any new situation
(like adjusting to a two-home divorced-family or stepfamily) is to test and retest.
They need to learn if (a) some
adult/s are reliably setting and enforcing
effective
and if
(b) they (the child) are safe from another family breakup. A nifty
way to test for safety is to "pick on" a vulnerable stepsib, and watch what
the co-parents do about it. None of this is conscious, so "hostile"
kids who lack awareness, knowledge, and vocabulary will sincerely deny they're
testing for security - specially if they have insecure co-parents in one or
both homes!
Solution options: As caregiving
teammates, you co-parents draw
of your two
or more nuclear-stepfamily homes. The goal is to determine who is really
in charge of
each home, not to fault anyone. If someone other than resident adults is
making major home and family decisions about time, money,
scheduling, boundaries, and chores, that usually excites and/or scares
resident and visiting kids. Paradox: if it scares them, they'll often be
unable to say so!
Next, read and discuss these
several articles on
effective
child discipline together, as co-parenting teammates. Clarify if you all feel
that the limit-setting and
enforcing in your homes is (a) respectful (vs. shaming), (b)
consistent, and (c) effective. Doing
this honestly will probably reveal
significant
and
conflicts, and associated relationship
Follow the links for perspective and options on these three universal family
stressors, and use the seven
communication
together to resolve these respectfully.
A third primary
problem that may be contributing to your surface "stepsibling hostility"
problem/s may be...
3) The
child receiving the hostility doesn't know how to confidently
and enforce their rights and personal
(limits) with the "hostile" sibling. If so, that implies that
you co-parents (a) don't know those things either, and/or
(b) don't know how to effectively teach them to your kids.
Solution options: you adults (a) read, edit, and discuss this sample
Bill of Personal Rights.
Tailor them to fit your personal values, and then (b) encourage all
your adults and kids to help each other evolve and act on their own Bills. Next,
(c) teach your kids how to (a) assert their rights and
boundaries respectfully (vs.
timidly or aggressively), (b) expect and
to
resistances empathically, and to (c)
effectively, vs. fight, argue, or
avoid. intentionally model this sequence for your kids, and point out
what' you're doing.
Pause and consider what you're learning here: we're reviewing probable
primary problem causing the surface symptom of excessive stepsibling
hostility. Do you need a stretch break before continuing? Another possible
primary problem is...
4) Your "hostile" child is
getting what psychologists call a "secondary gain" from his or her
aggression. Secondary refers to a response from one or more people
around the child that satisfies an important hidden need which they don't see
a better way of filling. For
example, the primary hostility response s/he gets may be adult and/or
sibling irritation, protest, uproar, counterattack, and/or criticism. The
secondary (unconscious) payoff may be satisfying one or more of these
needs. This is one reason "logic" and "reasoning"
won't work, for they don't validate and fill the primary (unconscious)
needs causing the "hostile" behavior.
Behaving to get "secondary gains" implies several things:
_ your
(step)child isn't aware of what s/he
really needs; and/or...
_ s/he doesn't know how to
describe or ask for it clearly, and/or...
_ a
false
self is directing her or his personality; and/or...
_ none
of you are aware
of some or all of these things, or you co-parents...
_ don't know what to do about them.
Solution options: (a)
review these common primary needs with your co-parenting partners, and
(b) discuss whether your "hostile" child may be unconsciously seeking to fill
some via her or his behavior. If so, consider validating your
opinion via some empathic talks (and
non-defensively)
to your child, and/or getting appropriate
5) Most of the solutions above involve you
co-parents "talking together as caregiving
If
you aren't or can't, (a) your stepsiblings are at risk of
getting inconsistent help in their two homes, and (b) your odds of
spotting and resolving primary problems like these plummet.
Inability to talk and problem-solve as
caregiving teammates has several causes like
these:
One or more of your
co-parents (a) hasn't really accepted your
as a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily (vs. two opposing we/they homes), or (b)
what your identity means; and/or (c) you all haven't yet converted your
stepfamily
myths into realistic expectations. Solution - Help each other
progress at
and
over
time, and invite your other co-parents to do the same - for
all of your long-term well-being; and/or...
One or more of your co-parents
(a) don't know or
(b) aren't using these seven communication
to negotiate effective inner-family and/or co-parenting
conflict-resolutions. Solution: Help each other work at
together, and
intentionally model and teach communication
basics and skills to each child; and/or...
Any divorced ex mates
among you haven't found effective ways yet to permanently resolve one or
more of these relationship
Solution:
follow the link and selectively implement the options you find for each
barrier; and/or...
One or more of your
co-parents isn't yet clear on (a) the specific
four
sets of needs of each of your stepsiblings, and/or
on (b) your own and (c) the other adults' specific corresponding
child-care
responsibilities (roles); and/or...
One or more of your
caregivers isn't clear yet on (a) the traits of a
high-nurturance
family or (b) an effective
parent, or the (c)
basics
needed to resolve any relationship problem. Or you all may feel fairly clear on these, but
(d) are at odds
(conflict) with each other because you lack a meaningful stepfamily mission statement,
and/or you don't yet know how to spot and resolve values and loyalty conflicts, and
related relationship
triangles. If true, your kids surely can't do those either.
Follow each of these links, and patiently study, tailor, and apply the
suggestions and options you find there. Then teach your kids and selected lay and
professional family supporters, including members of any family
support
group you belong to.
Yes,
this is a lot of work! So is reacting to constant relationship
conflicts in and between your homes, for years. Your eventual rewards from
these solutions - personally, re/maritally, and co-parentally - are
beyond price. Can you envision your future satisfactions, and help each other
hold on to the vision?
6)
Another possible cause of hostile stepsib behavior is that your
aggressive child has lacked enough emotional
nurturance,
and is dominated by a protective
false self.
If so, your girl or boy will manifest other telltale
symptoms
besides excessive stepsibling hostility.
|
Where true, this means that (a) implementing other solutions
above will probably have limited, temporary, or no results; and that
(b) one or more of the child's prior or present caregivers and have lost their
true
Self's wise "wide-angle" guidance. The normal adult
(false self) response to this is to anxiously or indignantly deny
it. |
Solution options: Since you care
enough to be reading this article, I suggest that you scan the articles
comprising co-parent Project 1 (assess for
false-self wounds and recover). Then do the six evaluation
worksheets
separately for (a) yourself, (b) your "hostile"
stepsibling, and (c) each of your related co-parents.
Consider using
qualified
clinical help to backstop you, and shrink the chance you're making
protective distortions as you evaluate for inner wounds. Depending
on what you find, give copies* of relevant Project-1 materials to your
co-parenting partners and supporters, starting with your mate. Ask their help
- i.e. ask if they'll learn about and evaluate false-self dominance too. in
the spirit of caregiving teamwork.
Take
your time here! This assessment is probably the most difficult
challenge that typical divorced and re/married co-parents face. It's
also potentially the most valuable thing they (you) can do, long range, for
each of the kids depending on you for nurturance and protection.
These are five common primary problems that may lie hidden beneath the
surface symptom of major stepsibling hostility.
Where present, these five multi-factor problems will often cause complex
interactive groups of ongoing inner-family and mutual relationship
problems - so you co-parents helping each other patiently resolve them can
bring more relief than you expect!
Recap
Hostility
is a primal human response to perceived threat of emotional or physical pain.
In stepfamilies, excessive hostility between stepbrothers and
stepsisters can also suggest personal insecurity and normal stepchild testing,
co-parenting role conflicts and confusion, ineffective communication
skills, wounded co-parents and/or kids, and possible blocked grieving
This
article offers perspective on what causes hostility, how it differs
from dislike, and outlines typical surface symptoms that accompany it
in a blended stepfamily. The rest of the article suggests
(a) six common primary
problems that often cause the surface symptoms of "excessive
hostility between stepsiblings," and (b) co-parents' options for resolving
each one of them as teammates, over time.
Recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If not, what
more
you need now?
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