The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/sibs/lust.htm
Continued...
Toward co-parents making wise decisions about sexuality between
stepsiblings, we just explored basic family "sex education" topics." Let's
build on that by considering...
2) What's Different
About Sex Education in Stepfamilies?
Just
as typical stepfamilies are
intact
biofamilies in some ways and very
different in others, some things are the
same about stepfamily sex education, and some things aren't. As they
approach and experience puberty, kids in all families need
thoughtful, informed answers to questions like those above.
See how you feel about this summary
of key environmental
sex-education differences between typical stepfamilies and biofamilies:
A = "I agree," D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not
sure," or "It depends on (what?)"...
Difference 1) Again, the normal incest taboo is considerably weaker in
average stepfamilies compared to healthy biofamilies. Average stepsiblings, and
stepkids and their stepparents, haven't grown up with each other, so they're
more apt to feel sexual with each other than biofamily peers. That means
the family needs for adult (a) clarity and harmony on (b) accurate adult sexual knowledge, values, limits, and
policies, are higher in typical stepfamilies.
It also means that
stepparents, stepkids, and stepsiblings are more apt to have sexual feelings for
each other. That can significantly affect if, when, and how new stepparents and
relatives (a) provide needed sexual guidance and
limits, and (b) react to their stepkids' sexual beliefs, values and
behaviors. (A D ?)
Difference 2) Typical stepfamilies have
co-parents in several different homes, and six or more co-grandparents. This
means (a) there are more people to
provide support (+), and (b) higher odds for serious (sexual and other)
among several or all of these people (-). (A D ?)
Difference 3) While child-care goals
are pretty similar between stepparents and bioparents, there are ~
40
environmental differences (psychologically, legally, financially, and
socially) between those
That means that typical stepfamily
members can judge a stepparent's sex-education responsibilities, values, and
actions differently than "standard" bioparents.
That
invites stepparent confusion
and anxiety, and
and
conflicts and associated
with
other stepfamily members ("Ellie has no right to talk to your daughter about her
menstruation. That's Jackie's (biological) Mother's job!"). Typical bioparents
don't experience these as often or as intensely. (A D ?) See
Difference 5 below.
Difference 4) Most typical
divorced-family and stepfamily adults, kids, and kin seem to suffer from
significant psychological
This means that if adults'
are often in charge, the adults more apt to be psychologically disturbed and
reactive and reactive about many issues, including sex edu-cation and
effective limit-setting. To see if this applies to you and/or your
kids, invest time and energy doing
(A D ?)
Difference 5) Typical people in
stepfamilies are more prone than peers in intact
biofamilies to re/maritally-toxic
and divisive relationship
Sexual
behaviors be-tween stepsiblings (or any kids) guarantees complex interactive
groups of these stressors! (A D ?) If your co-parents are
unclear about them and options for combating them, follow the links.
Bottom line: educating minor kids on healthy sensuality and sexuality in
stepfamilies is similar in some ways to any family, and unique in at least
five important ways that co-parents need to help each other be aware of.
This implies that your co-parents must be able to communicate effectively
together on these sensitive topics. Can your co-parents do that, so far? If
not, see this.
3) What If We Co-parents
Disagree Over Sexual Matters?
The larger problem you all face is "How
can we co-parents effectively resolve any major disagree-ment over family
roles, relationships, values, loyalties, and resources?" The universal
answer is: "Help each other to...
-
and keep your true Selves
of your
(work at
-
learn and use these key
attitudes and Project-2
communication
and...
-
admit and patiently work to reduce any major
to co-parenting teamwork
and...
-
stay clear on the difference between surface
and primary problems, and...
-
adapt these
premises to
and
your
problems, one or a few at a time." Option: use this
problem-solving checklist as a
group resource.
Notice
what your inner voices (subselves) are
now... Do you know who is "speaking"?
But What if We Have a Stepsibling Crisis Now?
Crisis usually implies someone feels there is significant danger now
to someone or something important. In your stepsibling situation, can you name (a)
who is in immediate danger (b) of what, in (c) whose
opinion? Then select among or adapt these options for resolving any personal or
group "crisis":
-
Unless someone's
health or life are threatened now,
STOP. Slow down,
and breathe well...
-
Decide whether your
is
your other personality
If not, you may have trouble thinking
and problem-solving effectively .
-
Keep your perspective: this is
(probably) a short-term situation that's part
of a complex multi-year stepfamily
If you
focus on
building some strong foundations now, you
raise everyone's odds of not living from one stepfamily crisis to
the next for the next decade or more.
-
Reaffirm that each person
involved in this situation - regardless of age, genes, or gender -
has
dignity, and
equally-valid human needs, values, feelings, human
rights, and opinions. Also - some of you have more life
wisdom than others...
-
Get
undistracted, and use this
technique with other family adults to...
-
identify what each of the
current primary problems are, and rank-order them;
-
who is responsible for
solving each identified problem. Then...
-
use
your win-win problem-solving skills to brainstorm a best-fit short-term
solution.
