The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/custody.htm
Continued...
This is the last of three pages that explore factors underlying typical
child-custody conflicts, and options for lasting conflict resolutions. The
first
two pages propose 12 premises about all custody situ-ations, three
goals of effective child-custody arrangements, common needs that minor
kids
and co-parents need to fill, and a
common type of custody conflict. This page summarizes two
more types, and some general options for resolving major custody
disputes.
2) A
Stepparent Demands a Custody
Change
Some custody battles occur because a child's custodial stepparent gives an
ultimatum to their mate: "Either your child goes to live with
their other bioparent, or I leave." A child can issue the reverse ultimatum:
"Either my stepparent leaves, or I'm going to (a) live with my other
parent or (b) run away." Though there can be many surface reasons for this,
the primary causes are usually some mix of these:
the mates haven't accepted their
as a stepfamily,
and/or what it
and/or...
one or both mates are
+
+ haven't learned how to
and evolve
effective strategies to master
and
conflicts and
associated relationship
Symptom:
the stepparent feels their mate puts a stepchild's needs first
too often, despite the stepparent's hints or protests; and/or...
the custodial biomom or dad is wounded,
blocked in
(a)
prior losses and/or
(b) reducing major
and (c) s/he
is unaware of this, minimizes it, or
it; and/or...
one or both mates chose the wrong
to commit to,
for the wrong
at the
wrong
If a stepparent is the primary instigator of
your custody dispute, know that the
real problem is
not child custody!
Follow the links.
3) A
Mental-health Professional Recommends a Custody Change
The
most complex and often the bitterest legal child-custody disputes follow an attempt to resolve the
with
(a) psychological evaluations of each bioparent, and/or (b) professional mediation. A
family-law judge rules that the conflicted co-parents must comply
with a formal competency evaluation by a court-appointed professional, at
the co-parents' expense.
The
professional is often a veteran family therapist or Ph.D. psychologist who
specializes in evaluating which co-parent's home is more likely to fill a
child's developmental needs. Co-parents often feel they're being forced to
accept a stranger they didn't choose invading their privacy and assessing
who is the better parent - with too little understanding of family history
and realities, and probable alien biases.
No
matter how competent, compassionate, or neutral the professional is,
court-ordered psychological evaluations
are expensive, prolong stress for weeks or months,
often increase co-parental
and lower the family's
nurturance level. The latter is
specially likely if one or both bioparents have new (stepparent) partners,
and the evaluator has no informed training in stepfamily
basics. This seems to be the current U.S.
norm.
In my
professional experience since 1981, the evaluator, judge, and attorneys make
a formal custody recommendation often discounting or ignoring a stepparent's
presence, needs, and role-competency (or lack of same). This is like
mechanics and their supervisor agreeing to ignore the function and status of
one engine on a multi-engine jetliner.
A
court-ordered psychological evaluation of conflicted co-parents
guarantees that the presiding judge...
-
doesn't know the co-parents need
help learning how to identify and resolve their mix of these
and/or...
-
lacks
informed training, experience, resources, and time to make an appropriate
ruling. It can also mean...
-
the judge and attorneys are focused on just the
child, or just on one home in the near future, rather than evaluating
how to
help the co-parents in both homes learn to resolve their
problems as informed co-parenting teammates - i.e. ruling
what's best
long-term for the
not just a child.
Three preventable social causes of this problem are...
-
U.S. clergy not being required by law and/or
denominational policy to evaluate and
confront couples who are probably making wrong re/marital choices,
-
marriage licenses being routinely granted without competently assessing
whether couples - specially parents - can demonstrate their relationship and
co-parenting competences;
and...
-
family-law professionals and psychological evaluators being
untrained in ex-mate needs and barriers, divorced-child needs, stepfamily
basics, and how to help families with these
By themselves, these premises and ideas will change nothing. When you digest
and discuss them and are ready to act, you'll need to review your...
Custody-resolution Options
The following ideas are a buffet of possibilities to choose from, rather than must-do's...
If you have a significant
dispute over child custody now, it's probably a
symptom of some mix of
these
For
perspective and options, see where
this leads you.
Accept that
you will have to
something
comfortable
(or at least familiar) to reduce the custody conflict. As long
as you blame or criticize your ex, a parent, a lawyer, or someone else, your chances of
lasting resolution stay low. That puts your kids at
long-term risk of anguish and (more?) psychological wounding.
Experience
Try this
safe exercise: Get quiet, undistracted, and comfortable. Imagine yourself and your
present and/or ex mate
as mellow old people - well past old hostilities and hurts. You're looking back on
your lives to evaluate your parenting choices before and after your
divorce/s and/or re/marriage/s. You have no more time to "make things better,"
only to evaluate and experience.
Now imagine your
present child/ren vividly as being middle-aged and probably parents
themselves. Picture you two co-parents sitting with each adult child, one at a
time, and learning how they felt about your personal parenting choices during
their first 25 years. Be your older Self, don't observe him or her.
Hear and see your son or daughter speaking his or her heart honestly
- not politely or kindly. This is not about right or wrong, or
blame and guilt - it's about acknowledging what happened to you all, and
why, and feeling.
Take your time with
this imaging. Repeat it several times, if helpful. Consider journaling about your
experience, including writing down or tape-recording the dialog that emerges
between you aged co-parents and each of your future adult children.
When you return to
current reality, note the potential value of "wakeful dreams" like these.
Hopefully, you have many years to shape how a future real discussion might
turn out, as you approach your death. If you choose to avoid this
experience, imagine sitting with your dying
self, looking into her or his
wise eyes, and asking for an honest reaction to your avoidance.
Another option is
to calmly imagine your
Spiritual self, guardian angel, Soul, Higher Self,
and/or
joining your future discussions, or being in separate
discussions. The object of all these
options is to give you experiential awareness of the long-range
implications of your current co-parenting choices, including your
child-custody
decisions.
A third option you
co-parents have is to ...
|
Check your
Except
for crises, if your personal
and integrity comes first, your
primary relationship (if any) second, and
your family's long-term nurturance level is third, you're most likely to evolve healthy
long-term
co-parenting
decisions, including child-custody resolutions.
|
Raise
your
My
clinical experience is that typical caregivers try to make effective long-term childcare decisions
without knowing what they need to
To find out what you co-parents do
know, read and discuss each recommended article
here.
Ignorance (lack of knowledge) will
reduce the wholistic health and happiness of each of your co-parents
and kids. The good news: if you
partners are
by your
you
can intentionally change ignorance into shared
That empowers you to make
healthy co-parenting decisions (including
about custody), and keep
your
as you implement them.
Another powerful option you co-parents have is to intentionally...
Increase your
communication effectiveness! My consistent experience
as a therapist with over 1,000
conflicted family adults since 1981 is that they
fight, argue, debate, explain, and avoid, rather than
Can you define the difference? Can you name the seven communication
that your kids
depend on you
adults using to help fill everyone's needs?
If you've
had
legal and counseling expenses in resolving child-related conflicts, estimate how much you've
already paid, and may pay in the future. Now imagine vividly what you'd rather have done
with that money. That's the cost of
(a) your false-self wounds, and (b) not
knowing and using these learnable
skills. Notice your
reaction...
And on your child(ren)'s behalf, you may choose to ...
See your
custody battle as a symptom of the real problem, like insomnia and
some headaches are often a symptom of personality-
distress. If you try this, notice what happens to your focus.
From long experience, I propose that
your primary "child custody" problem is adults' wounds + unawareness
+ ignorance + unresolved
As an investment in future (step)family peace, study these
articles, follow the links within them, and consult with your elderly
future self as you go. Then redirect your energy from surface conflicts to patiently reducing each barrier among your co-parents for all your
sakes. Reducing each barrier and building effective teamwork will take many months. Keep a
long-range
view, and consider using
professional help
along the way.
Invite your ex to
read these articles and to join you in healing your co-parental
relationship. Offer this, rather than demand it, if you can do so without
implying blame or contempt. If either of you is
psychologically
you may have trouble
doing this. If so, refocus your energy on
for your and your descendents' sakes.
Another
challenging custody-resolution option you have is to ...
Pick your
family supporters and resources carefully. Disregard well-meaning relatives,
friends, authors, and Webmasters who advocate aggressive (vs.
stances
and actions with your child's other co-parents. Choose people who understand ...
what kids of divorce and/or
parental re/marriage really
need,
and ...
common stepfamily
basics,
realities,
and
merger tasks; and...
what
when kids are
unintentionally raised with too little psychological/spiritual
and choose
supporters who understand...
why
using
legal force to resolve
child-related disputes is a lose-lose-lose decision, unless
child
or
are probable or
sure.
People who promote
(a) mutually-respectful
vs. aggression
or avoidance, and (b) win-win
vs. fighting (with or without lawyers), are your
family's
best long-term helpers.
Unless a child is in clear risk of current physical and/or psychological harm, I urge you release any lawyers and
learn how to problem-solve effectively on your own - i.e. commit to
Child-custody
and other
co-parenting disputes will probably cause hurt, resentments, distrusts, and guilts for many years.
You can
learn to resolve family conflicts well together if you co-parents are
all
by your wise, far-seeing
Another option your co-parents have is ...
Be
cautious about using
co-parental child abuse, neglect, and/or
as the primary reasons for making a custody change. These provocative
(shaming) terms promote adults' false selves ruling their personalities. If
you feel any of these three terms may apply to your situation, make sure you clearly understand
what each of them is before acting to protect kids from them. Quick check: can you confidently name ...
-
the
that
must clearly exist before true abuse (vs. aggression or neglect)
occurs?
-
at least 15 of the ~30
nurturances that typical minor kids need to grow healthily?
"Child neglect" is being unable or unmotivated to provide most
of these
30 factors consistently.
-
the four types
of addiction, and the unconscious
that causes
each of them?
After patient fact-gathering and informed deliberation (perhaps with a
professional consultant's help) - if you conclude that a custodial co-parent
really is abusive, neglectful, and/or addicted,
then act swiftly to protect affected kids. Use
legal help to do this as a last resort,
unless someone is in immediate danger.
|
If you feel another co-parent or key relative in your family is abusive,
neglectful, or addicted, I urge you to view them compassionately
as
not bad
co-parents or persons. Scorning and blaming (feeling
to) a
wounded person suggests false-self dominance. It guarantees
(a) chronic ineffective communication; (b) defensiveness, distrust,
and reciprocal scorn; (c)
wounding dependent kids; and (d) stressing you all, long-term. |
This does not mean
you should condone, ignore, or
a wounded co-parent's actions.
It means that you should
enforce respectful
with
the wounded one/s, and avoid blaming, sarcasm,
ridicule,
exaggeration, and disparagement. Otherwise your kids
will be caught
you, which will encourage their
automatically developing
a false self to survive.
If you're involved in a child-custody battle now, or you expect one,
stay alert
for a "right time" to print some of these Web
articles and give copies to other co-parents, older kids, and any
professionals involved. If you do, stay aware of the important difference
between respectful
and
demands ("Marilyn, I expect you to read these
three articles by next Tuesday.") If you're in a co-parent support group, consider passing out copies for
discussion.
Whether you agree with the opinions here or not, offering copies of
these articles, and/or referring other co-parents to them on the Web -
will at least provide fertile ground for co-operative discussion among you all. Your kids will benefit, and probably
you adult partners will too.
Another useful custody-conflict option you co-parent partners have is ...
Reread
and discuss this article and relevant others
every several months. Many of these Web pages include or refer to checklists.
Use them to assess your current status, and gauge later how you're progressing. Relationship-building and healing after divorce
or parental death and re/marriage
is slow work. Not having clear evidence of your progress can be
discouraging, so periodic affirmations of your learning, healing, and bonding
can nurture you all.
Did you realize how many options you co-parents have to patiently evolve effective
child-custody arrangements? Help each other
spot and avoid "bi-polar" (two-option) thinking, which often
suggests false-self dominance. You always have many
options toward filling your subselves' and (step)family members' needs!
Pause and reflect: if you want to follow up on any of these options, (a)
which ones, (b) what - specifically - do you want to do with each of them
now, and (c) what, if anything, is in your way?
Recap
Many divorcing bioparents co-create prolonged, bitter fights over the custody of
one or more dependent children. This can happen as part of marital
separation, or later after a parent re/marries. Custody
battles can involve stepparents, stepkids, and biological, "ex," and
new in-laws psychologically, logistically, and financially.
Because minor kids' welfare evokes intense feelings and
different values, physical and legal custody disputes can be exceptionally complex and
hard to resolve. This is partly because they are (usually) one of many
concurrent (step)family role and relationship conflicts - specially in a new
stepfamily.
This three-page article begins with a set of basic
premises
underlying effective custody-conflict resolution. It continues by defining
three goals of a successful
child-custody arrangement, and outlining common primary
needs of typical kids
and co-parents. The article closes with ten resolution-options you
co-parents can tailor to fit your unique family
situation.
Several points merit emphasis here:
Long-lasting resolution
of any co-parental conflicts is
unlikely to impossible if one or more of your three or more co-parents is dominated by a
Co-parent
gives you
all an effective way to assess and reduce this dominance, over time;
Effective custody
negotiation is far more likely
if you co-parents view yourselves as (a) a
(step)family
system, and (b)
with common child-rearing
goals and
instead of opponents in two different families; and ...
Your collective odds for
long-term peace
and harmony rise if your divorced bioparents share responsibility for
patiently reducing
any significant
that block you from nurturing your dependent kids cooperatively.
Two keys to doing this are safeguard
Projects 1 and
and...
Do everything you
can to avoid using the legal system to force custody
resolutions, unless you're very sure a custodial parent is
and/or
If you are sure,
compassionately view that person as wounded, not bad, as you
act assertively to protect your child/ren!
|
In my 27-year clinical experience with over 1,000 typical co-parents,
major post-divorce conflicts over child custody,
visitation,
financial support, and/or
discipline
and education are always signs of false-self
+
(vs. stupidity). Once understood and acknowledged,
you co-parents can
stop each
of these from
stressing your family-members' lives. Your kids depend on you to do this
for all of your sakes! |
