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The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/holidays1.htm
This is one of a series of Web articles suggesting
solutions for common divorced-family and step-family
relationship problems. This gives perspective on this non-profit educational site and its author. The ideas
below aim to
augment, not replace, appropriate professional
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back button to return from the latter.
For many reasons, members of typical stepfamilies and divorcing families
have
major discomforts with some or all holidays and family celebrations. Kids and adults
can feel mixes of
dread, anxiety, hurt, frustration, sadness, confusion, guilt, anger, boredom,
and depression. These feelings affect other family members and
friends, so ideal feelings of family warmth, closeness, and cheer are
fragmented at best. This happens in typical
biofamilies too.
This three-page article for
co-parents
and supporters...
-
Invites you to clarify what you believe
about family celebrations,
-
identifies common
surface and
primary
stepfamily-celebration problems;
-
suggests ways to improve your
family gatherings,
-
proposes some
realistic expectations about
step-celebrations, and...
-
provides a checklist to help you clarify
your key beliefs and attitudes about family celebrations.
Your Attitudes and Expectations
Attitudes and expectations we're taught as young kids
(and later by the media) can make potentially
enjoyable family celebrations uncomfortable or awful. To avoid or
reduce stress, divorce and
stepfamily formation require all adults and kids to update some traditional attitudes and
expectations.
Learn what you believe by finishing these sentences naturally, without editing.
Option: respond out loud...
A celebration is ______________
A holiday is
____________
A family is _______________
At celebrations and holiday times, healthy families
should
_____________
Family traditions are ______________
In a holiday gathering, family members should
_______________
When families celebrate something,
they ought to _____________
At holidays and family celebrations, kids
should ______________
The best place to be 'for the holidays' is
_________________
What
did you discover? Though every culture and family is different,
some shoulds
and oughts are very common. See how your beliefs compare to
these: A="I agree," D= "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not
sure," or "It depends on (what?)"...
Family events
should fill everyone's
(vs.
surface) needs well enough, as judged by each child and adult; (A
D ?)
A holiday means legitimate time off
from work or school, and the daily routine. Normal people
should want to
(a) relax and (b) enjoy time and special
meals and activities (c) with family and friends. (A D
?)
Family adults and kids
should want to be together for holidays and celebrations. (A
D ?)
People with families
should want
to include lone (family-less) friends and even strangers in public holiday gatherings.
(A D ?)
People
should put aside
their problems, and really
enjoy being with each other and have fun at family celebrations. (A
D ?)
People should want to
maintain family
and do holiday things and family celebrations "the way we've always done
them." (A D ?)
You should attend
family gatherings to avoid hurting some relative's feelings, even if you
don't want to. (A D ?)
A
family celebration
must include lots of food and drink,
and sometimes wanting to
exchange cards and gifts. (A D ?)
The degree to which adults and kids enjoy
a family gathering depends on how clearly they (a) know and (b) assert their
needs and boundaries, and (c) how realistic their expectations are. (A
D ?)
After
parent-death, divorce, and re/marriage, all
adults and
kids have
personal
family-adjustment needs, including the need to
their major
(broken bonds). (A D ?)
Stepfamily
gatherings will inevitably confront our kids and adults with some lost dreams, rituals, relationships, traditions, and roles
which they need to mourn. (A D ?)
Grieving is a natural
human healing process
which can be
and
intentionally
once identified.
(A D ?)
Our family members can
help each other grieve well - specially our kids -
without having it
dominate our celebration. Doing this can build the family closeness
that each of us longs to have! (A D ?)
Social
rules and ideals like these are powered by our primal
longing for family warmth and closeness - i.e. comfort, security, and
Because
family rules like these
become semi-conscious, we're often unaware of how powerfully they shape our
holiday expectations and decisions. Seeking social acceptance and approval, we have learned to feel guilty, ashamed, and anxious when we
don't comply or agree with social and/or family "traditions" - shoulds,
musts, oughts, have to's, and supposed to's.
For more perspective on
important
co-parental attitudes, see
this.
Pause and recall vividly the best and worst family celebrations you've
experienced as a child and an adult. Refer to these memories as you read this article. Now reflect: what needs
do you hope to fill by reading this article?
Is your
(capital "S")
or are some
Common Surface and Primary Problems
A core premise in this divorce-prevention Website is that
most personal and
interpersonal "problems" are usually surface symptoms of
unmet
Let's
apply that idea here: see which of these factors contributed to your best
and worst family festivities:
-
The preparations were
(not) enjoyable
-
I was (not) with people I
respect and care about
-
I was (not) in a mood to be social
-
The event's location and/or
physical setting was (not) comfortable and/or safe enough
for me
-
I was (not) physically and/or
emotional distracted from being really present.
-
The reasons for
our gathering were (not) important to me
-
I was (not) clear on the
(a) roles of the family members present, and/or (b)
how I was "supposed to" behave with them
-
I felt (un)accepted and (un)valued by the
other people there
-
I was (not) free to express my
true needs, feelings, and opinions to other family members
-
All the people I
wanted to be with were (not) able to attend.
-
My
needs, if any, were (not) met
at this event.
-
I felt (un)comfortable with the activities
and/or conversational topics we shared.
-
The length of time
I or we spent
(a) traveling and/or (b) socializing was (un)comfortable.
-
The food and drink, if any, were (not)
plentiful and/or enjoyable.
-
The event included activities and
I (didn't) prize and cherish.
-
I felt (un)comfortable with
what others expected of me at this event.
-
My expenses
related to this event (if any) were (not) a problem.
-
I was (not) bored during this event.
-
I was (not) able
to bring the partner or companion I wanted to be with.
-
Most of my expectations were (not) met
during and after this event.
-
I felt the other people I cared about were
(not) having a good-enough time;
-
I participated to
avoid significant
and/or to please
someone else
-
(add your own
factors)...
Did you realize how many factors affect family-celebration satisfaction? Did
some mix of these factors cause your happiest and worst family gatherings? Try out the idea that
none of these factors are the
true sources of family-gathering
pleasure or discomfort - some mix of the underlying factors below usually cause the
surface problems above:
Common
Primary Celebration Problems
In
a post-divorce and stepfamily context, many factors can reduce family-celebration enjoyment.
An unavoidable conflict for most people is trying to balance the painful
causes and effects of (a) divorce or death and (b) co-parent re/marriage and
cohabiting, with the warmth and satisfactions of "being together" with
family members. The more your family
adults and kids are aware of these primary factors and what to do about
them, the higher the odds you can enjoy gathering together...
-
adult unawareness of (a)
in adults and
kids, (b) what the wounds
and (c) how to acknowledge and
the wounds;
and...
-
of (step)family
realities, causing unrealistic
attitudes and expectations,
and...
-
family adults' inability to (a) respect each others'
needs
(b)
validate, and
their primary
needs, and (c)
these primary
problems
as teammates;
and...
-
incomplete or blocked
in some adults
and kids, and...
-
unresolved
and/or
re/marriage
and...
-
inability to resolve stepfamily
and
confusions and conflicts,
and...
-
inability to resolve family
and
conflicts,
and associated relationship
and...
-
co-parents not knowing how to avoid - or
spot and reduce - significant
Each of these problems can be
reduced, with awareness, co-parental teamwork, shared focus, and
adult willingness to learn and change. Before reviewing your short and long-term improvement-options,
let's explore these primary problems in...
More Detail
1) False-self
wounds: To survive a
childhood,
normal children seem to automatically
develop a fragmented, disorganized
and up to five
related psychological
Until spotted, admitted, and
reduced, these wounds have significant effects on
health, relationships,
work,
and child care. Key among these effects are...
-
being repeatedly
attracted to other wounded people and low-nurturance settings,
-
unintentionally
dependent children,
and...
-
being unable to communicate and problem-solve
seems to be a
reliable indicator of these wounds - and over half of recent American marriages
have failed legally or psychologically...
Implication: a major cause of conflict and discomfort in
divorced-family and stepfamily homes, relationships,
and celebrations
can stem in/directly from unseen false-self wounds. The wounds will amplify all
seven other primary problems below, until they are admitted and
reduced over time.
in this site and its
related
guidebook focus on
and reducing false
self wounds.
For more perspective,
study (a) this introduction to
(GWCs), (b) these
common wound-symptoms,
and (c) these options for relating
well to significantly-wounded people.
2) Unawareness: adults who (a) hold scornful
attitudes about
divorce, re/marriage, and stepfamilies, and/or who (b) deny or ignore
their stepfamily
and what it
are at high risk of
(c) not knowing or accepting stepfamily
realities, and (d) having
unrealistic expectations about stepfamily relationships, roles, and rituals
- like family celebrations.
The first step to overcome this is your co-parents wanting to learn what you
all need to know. To
raise your motivation to learn, try these basic
Then invite
all your adults to study and apply these
foundation articles.
Another widespread primary problem is...
3) Ineffective communication: I've studied and taught communication
for over 35 years.
After observing and listening to over 1,000 typical Midwestern-US
co-parents, I conclude that most Americans - with or without higher
education - don't know what they don't know about how to assert, listen,
negotiate and problem-solve effectively. Inevitably, this deficit makes it
hard or impossible for average family members to really resolve the seven
other primary causes of holiday and celebration stress. Implication:
this applies to you
and your relatives and kids.
To learn what you (don't)
know about this basic relationship ability,
try this
quiz.
in this site, and
the related guidebook
Satisfactions, offer a practical framework of ideas and tools to
help interested people improve their communication
and problem-solving effectiveness, over time.
Another common primary factor causing celebration stress is...
4) Incomplete or blocked grief: typical divorced and stepfamily
co-parents and their supporters don't know...
-
the
principles
of attachment (bonding) and healthy three-level
grieving,
-
what
each adult and child have
lost
from prior (a) divorce or death, (b) remarriage and
cohabiting, and (c)
perhaps other personal traumas;
-
the
and
of blocked grief,
and...
-
what to do if you spot these
symptoms
among your family members;
A common group of losses for adults and kids is around familiar ways of celebrating national and religious holidays and special
family events like birthdays, graduations, reunions, Christenings, Bas
Mitzvahs, retirements, weddings, wakes, and anniversaries. For most
divorced, widowed, and stepfamily members, major
holidays and other gatherings are bittersweet.
They confront everyone with what
used to be, but will never be again. The new family structure, roles, and relationships created by
a separation, divorce, death, re/marriage, and/or co-habiting cause -
and are affected by this grief-pain in many ways.
My
clinical experience with over 1,000 average American divorced and
re/married co-parents since 1981 is that typical co-parents survive
childhoods. Most of us don't want to admit that,
and/or we protectively minimize what it
The psychological and social
are profound.
One
common implication is that we
don't grieve very well. Often the
adults who raised us
and their ancestors didn't either. We reflexively
don't think about (deny) our
tangible and
invisible losses,
"get going," and
"put on a happy face." From early training, social norms, and old habit, we don't
encourage ourselves or each other to (a) identify our divorce and remarriage
losses and their impacts, or to
(b)
feel and express the normal confusions, anger, and
deep sadness - specially at family gatherings!
Family members and supporters may unconsciously discourage
us "losers" from healthy
because our
grief (and/or theirs) makes
them uncomfortable. This is
specially true for people with the psychological condition of
We
co-dependents are relentless at (fruitlessly) wanting to reduce others'
for noble reasons.
Lacking inner and outer
and encouragements to mourn well, many of us grownups and kids block our natural
loss-acceptance process without knowing it. Because it takes
significant energy to repress grief anger and sadness, we're hindered at
growing healthy new
- e.g. with new
step-relatives
Dr.
M. Scott Peck's helpful book
The
Road Less Traveled proposes that all lives include
suffering; and when we take responsibility for
doing something about our suffering, it may abate. The application here is: if you or your loved ones are sad at
family gatherings,
do something about it besides
pretending,
with
chemicals (including sugar and fat), or distracting via frantic activity and
false cheer. Avoidances, and sadness and anger from major losses will
probably recur year after
year until you do.
in
this site offers options for evolving a pro-grief stepfamily.
Continue
with four more primary causes of
family-celebration stress
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