The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/holidays.htm
Continued...
Another common primary problem causing surface celebration problems is...
5)
Unresolved
divorce and/or re/marriage
stressors:
Most divorces are caused by mixes of these relationship
If parents are
significantly
distracted, and/or overwhelmed,
the problems persist or increase after legal divorce, because of
continual (values) disputes over
child visita-tions,
custody,
education, health, activities,
money, discipline, boundaries, and
related issues.
This is specially likely if they can't
effectively, which
seems to be the U.S. norm. Relatives may detach or take sides, with kids being caught in the middle.
Family
celebrations confront ex mates, any new mates, kids, and relatives with the
dilemma of trying to "be a family together" despite significant distrust,
dislike, disrespect, resentments, and disinterest. If relatives come
together and pretend these stressors don't exist, they feel guilty and phony
(lose self-respect). If communications are poor, the stressors can
increase from family gatherings.
Based on
progress with
Projects,
and its
guidebook offer practical ways to reduce
teamwork
among stepfamily
co-parents and key
The kids in
your family depend on you adults to take responsibility for doing
this!
6)
Stepfamily membership,
identity, and role conflicts:
When single bioparents commit to new partners,
active relatives in three or more
have to (a)
agree on and stabilize up to 15 confusing new
and perhaps
(b) adjust 15 traditional biofamily roles, like mother, grandson, daughter, cousin,
etc. This is one part of a long, complex
of many facets of each
biofamily. Confusion and conflict over unclear roles (responsibilities), family
values, and family loyalties can make planning and enjoying holidays and
celebrations very hard, unless adults are proactive about reducing the
stressors. Most aren't.
Co-parent
and
provide practical
frameworks for identifying these conflicts.
offers the
skills and tools to help your family
members reduce them - and...
7)
and
conflicts and
relationship
these three
stressors are common in all human groups. They are specially
complex and frustrating in multi-home stepfamilies because they have more
members, relationships, family roles, and adjustment tasks than typical
intact-biofamily members. Typical co-parents and relatives are only vaguely
aware of these three dynamics, and haven't evolved a
family-wide strategy for avoiding or resolving them.
A final common primary reason for family-celebration discomfort is
8)
Unresolved
major guilts
- Guilt is the learned reaction to
perceiving that we have broken someone's
rules - shoulds, musts, have-to's, ought to's, and can'ts.
Typically, most adults in divorcing families and stepfamilies have many reasons for feeling significant guilt and
related shame. As you know, unresolved guilt causes social avoidances or
deceptions and hinders effective communication. True-Self
self-
and communication-skill
knowledge can empower anyone to
intentionally spot and reduce significant guilts to normal levels. It's
likely that none of your family adults - starting with you - know how
to do this. See this article to learn more.
Stretch, breathe, and recall that we've just reviewed common primary
reasons causing most (all?) discomforts around family gatherings. These
primary factors
combine to lower home and (step)family
Unaware caregivers pass
these factors on until enlightened
descendants commit to break the
for their kids' and future generations'
sakes.
Feeling overwhelmed by all the above is normal. This is
a lot to understand and integrate! Perspective: mastering these primary problems over time is no different than earning a college degree
or trade certificate or raising a child: you define your
and patiently tackle all the required steps
to attain them one at a time.
In
this site, that translates to your family adults helping each other work on
as
a day at a time.
How can co-parents reduce these primary problems, and
improve everyone's celebration enjoyment?
Options for Better Celebrations
Pause, breathe, and notice your reactions to these key premises.
If you and
your other co-parents agree
with them, you can help each
other...
-
adjust your
attitudes and expectations about holidays and family gatherings,
based on your situation; and...
-
use family gatherings and holidays as
chances to help each other
old traditions
and grow new ones together, and...
-
help each other clarify and assert what you each need from your family
gatherings, as you patiently
your biofamilies
and traditions over the years.
Doing these together over time can
grow your relationships, bonds, and shared comfort and enjoyment. Let's look at each of these more
closely.
1) Adjust Your Expectations
About Stepfamily Gatherings
Each of your adults and kids has their own attitudes, associations, and
expectations about "my family," "holidays," and "family celebrations." These
are probably based on (a) past biofamily experience, and (b) the
media's idealized images of biofamily celebrations. Options:
give all your adults a copy of this article
and this one for reference and
discussion. Then help your adults and kids adopt expectations like these:
Our stepfamily differs in
many ways from the biofamilies we
grew up with. We should not
expect to feel the same acceptance, loyalty, and closeness that healthy intact-biofamily members feel at special celebrations.
We do not have to pretend to
love or even like each other at our
celebrations. We should (a) expect to
feel like strangers with common interests and significant different backgrounds,
and (b) expect our gatherings to feel more like "getting-to-know-you" occasions
than celebrating familiar rituals. Our kids will need help in
understanding and accepting this.
We should expect that some or
many of our stepfamily members will be unclear (a) what it
to be in
a stepfamily, and (b) what their new stepfamily
and
are - so they
will feel confused and uncertain how
to act. This gives special importance to our family members being clear on
what they need at family gatherings, rather than assuming what to expect
from past experiences.
We should expect that some of our stepfamily members will be unsure what to call each other
(names and role
It's OK to be unsure,
and to say so!
We should expect some family
members will feel ambivalent about, or resistant to,
attending - because they (a) may not have
accepted our stepfamily
identity yet, and/or (b) have not progressed enough in grieving their
from divorce or death, and stepfamily formation. We should
further expect that it may take us
months or years to feel comfortable talking with each other
about our losses and how we feel.
We
should expect each of our adults and kids to have their own pace and style
(overt, private, "depressed," angry,...)
of grieving their sets of
losses
from divorce and
stepfamily formation. This means we should compassionately accept members
who are quiet, sad, or "distant," rather than nagging them to "have fun,"
"lighten up," and "get into the spirit of the occasion."
We should
expect our minor (and some
adult) kids to
be shy, guarded, or "formal" with new steprelatives. We should not
expect or demand them to feel or act like they would with biorelatives - e.g. hugging
or kissing, or discussing personal subjects.
We
should expect all of us to (a) experience clusters of
and
conflicts and
associated relationship
and to (b) feel
confused about how to identify and handle them.
We should
expect that it will take several
annual cycles of holidays and celebrations for us all to stabilize these
things and evolve more shared comfort with our stepfamily gatherings.
Add any other related expectations that fit your unique
situation...
Do these sample expectations seems reasonable and
realistic to you? Which of your family members are most likely to be
receptive to expectations like these, and which will have the most trouble
adjusting their old (biofamily) expectations? Is there a best way for you adults to help
your kids start to understand and adopt expectations like these?
If your glass is half full vs. half empty, you'll agree that stepfamily celebrations
offer you all valuable opportunities to...
2) Help Each Other Grieve and Start New Traditions
Divorce or death, re/marriage, and merging households and biofamilies
each cause sets of minor to major
for each of your
stepfamily members. Family
celebrations offer you chances to help each other balance celebrating and mourning key losses. To
gain perspective on your family's options, read and discuss these resources:
-
An overview of co-parent
-
An
introduction to healthy grief
-
An overview of a family "Good Grief"
policy, including ways to
support a mourner effectively
-
Worksheets to identify
invisible and
tangible losses that
holidays and
celebrations may remind your family members of
-
A worksheet to clarify someone's
values about grieving
-
Typical
of blocked grief, and...
-
Key
for effective grief
Now deliberate on which of these options
can help you all balance
mourning and celebrating, over time:
Acknowledge and discuss
(a) your stepfamily
(b)
what it
and (c) the five
you and your kids need to guard against. Blocked grief is a
widespread hazard that has many toxic psychological and physical
effects. Most adults and many human-service professionals have little
awareness of this, and what to do about it.
Discuss the
concept of
and false-self
with your family adults and supporters. These wounds are probably
the most
of the five hazards. They appear to be common in typical American divorcing families and stepfamilies, and promote or amplify all your
stepfamily role and relationship
problems -
including celebration stresses.
If you haven't yet, read this
introduction, this
example, these common
symptoms, and this overview of
co-parent
Use family celebrations to
discuss, evolve, and implement a
(step)family-wide Good-Grief
together. Ignoring or avoiding this
suggests
dominance and
To begin evolving your policy, ask all of your family adults to review
the articles above. Option: distribute copies of the articles or
a list of their Web addresses before or at family gatherings.
Include your kids by
teaching them grieving basics, illustrating them with real losses, and inviting the kids' ideas
on a family grieving policy, once they understand the concept. Does each of your minor and
grown kids understand (a) what
is, (b) a loss is, (c) what three-level grieving is,
and (d) why mourning is
essential? How do you know? Resource: see this article on helping
stepteens grieve during
holidays and
family gatherings.
|
Discuss
"What
traits
does an effective grief-supporter have, and how can we help each other grow these traits?" An
essential
family discussion topic is "Does each of us have consistent inner and outer
to grieve
well in each of our homes? If not, what are our options?"
|
Have
some fun discussing whether any adults in your
family would be an effective "good-grief coach" for other members
who need and want support. Your grief-coach can watch for chances to
respectfully ask others things like "What have you lost?",
"What does that mean to you?", and "Is anything in the way
of your grieving in your own way now?" If any of your
several biofamilies aren't used to helping each other grieve openly,
using a grief coach - and/or a blocked-grief "scout" - can be
specially helpful!
Before and/or during major celebrations, invite
your family members to
identify
their main life-losses (broken bonds) - specially those from family separation and divorce or death
+ re/marriage and/or co-habiting. Doing this will (a) help identify
false-self wounds and blocked grief, (b) focus everyone on this
essential stepfamily-wide
and (c) validate why family celebrations may evoke sadness, regret,
guilt, anger, "moodiness," and
in
some kids and adults. If your family members aren't used to identifying and/or
discussing their tangible and invisible losses together, discussing
that openly can help you all learn how to do those. Consider this
wisdom:
"Each of us is the only
person who can give
what each of us needs to get."
Try playing the
Ungame
or
LifeStories
at your next gathering. These are safe, fun, non-competitive board games which help
people get to know each other and themselves! Patiently building familiarity and trust among you will
make it easier for you to balance celebrating, merging your traditions,
and mourning together. Option: see evolving a healthy mourning
policy and living by it as a long-term all-family project, vs.
grieving as individual persons.
Consider discussing
forgiveness as a powerful aid to healthy grief. Option:
copy and distribute this article, and discuss it when you're all
together. Can each of your young people clearly describe what
forgiveness is yet? Do they know what it feels like? Do they know
who benefits from it, and how?
Adult fluency with these communication
can help you all
discuss your losses and celebration and support
needs more effectively -
if your
guide your
Related learning includes knowing these
tips, and avoiding
these common
Who would you say is your stepfamily's most effective communicator? The
least effective? What's a practical way to motivate your adults to
upgrade their effectiveness - and teach your kids?
Discuss together: who is
responsible, specifically, for...
-
each family adult getting their primary grieving and holiday or celebration
met, and...
-
discerning what each of your kids
need; and...
-
when
celebration (or other) conflicts occur, who's needs really
with each of you -
honestly?
Encourage
discussion on (a) what a
tradition is, and (b) how family traditions come to be. A
benefit of being a stepfamily is that you have three or more biofamily
styles of forming traditions to draw on. Enjoy living in an age
where recording special events visually and audibly has never been so
cheap and easy!
What's your reaction to these
holiday grieving options? Useful? Intriguing? Waste of time? Too
"touchy-feely"? Recall why you began reading this article. What
do you need?
|
If you adults all (a)
your true Selves
of your personalities, (b) revise your celebration expectations and (c)
use family gatherings to help everyone grieve, then you can
(d) improve your special occasions by helping each other and your kids to...
|
3) Clarify and Assert What You Each Need
For any holiday or special celebration, each adult and child will have a mix
of his or her own surface and primary needs. Options:
Do a
stepfamily identity check
- i.e. investigate whether each participating adult (a) accepts that you
all are in a
and (b) knows
what that identity
This will help
everyone understand why the following options are useful.
Invite your adults to learn (a) the difference between surface
needs and
and (b) how to
to discern the
primary needs that cause the surface problems. Then (c) invite everyone
to dig down and identify what they need relative to the next holiday or
special family occasion.
Invite your adults and older kids to use this sample
Bill of Personal Rights, and to draft
their own. Then use your Bills to validate your celebration
and other needs. Option: alert everyone to their attitude about everyone's
needs: are they of equal worth, or are some people's needs more
important than others? If the latter, lower your celebration
expectations.
Invite your adults to review
and effective
skills. Option: print and distribute the linked articles
to raise family awareness. Use these skills to help each of you state
your celebration needs, including significant boundaries. For example:
"I
need you all to not joke and hassle
me about eating too much, or being so fat."
"I
need Marv to not be offended if
I say I've heard him tell his appendix saga many times before, and
I can't get interested in a replay."
"I
need you all to accept that I don't want to sing with everyone."
"I
need you to not rag or judge me
because I choose to (not) go to church."
"I
need you all to accept that I'm uncomfortable giving
or getting dutiful hugs and phony kisses."
"I
need you to accept that even if I'm
quiet, I'm glad to be here."
"I need to talk about how much I
miss __________."
"I
need to come in my car,
because I may want to leave early."
"I need you to accept that I feel best if we're
doing something, not just
sitting around going blah blah blah. Let's play cards, or
The
Ungame, or
charades for part of the
time!"
"I need your uncle to stop
calling me by your ex-wife's name."
Finally...
Help
each family member identify and discuss key losses they need to mourn,
and encourage them to ask for grieving
support at any
family gatherings, without
Continue
with more ways to improve your family
celebrations...
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