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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction describes the Web
site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is
part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Some years ago, a research study estimated that
in about one of every three U.S.
stepfamilies, a minor child went to live permanently with their other bioparent
at some point. This is one of the many divorced-family and stepfamily dynamics
that intact-biofamily members don't encounter. Typical adults in both homes and their relatives and supporters
have no experience in anticipating and managing the many
impacts of such a residence change.
This two-page article...
-
overviews common family impacts of a minor child's
long-term change in
primary residence,
-
highlights what typical kids need, and...
-
suggests options for managing
your complex set of changes well.
You'll get more from this article if you read these first:
-
Factors that promote
high-nurturance
and
relationships;
-
This array of
stepfamily
basics and
-
An overview of
many U.S. stepfamily re/marriages eventually fail
psychologically or legally, and the core
they cause;
-
how
typical stepfamily co-parenting environments
differ from traditional intact bioparenting;
-
The
developmental and special
family-adjustment needs
typical minor stepkids must fill;
-
This overview of
co-parent
learn what your dependent kids need, and form an
effective co-parenting team to help fill them; and...
-
These suggestions on
managing complex
changes well.
The process of a minor stepchild changing their custodial residence can vary
between "very harmonious" and "very conflictual."
The degree of harmony or conflict depends largely on how much co-parent
communication and planning went into deciding if, when, how, and why to
make this important family change.
Other key factors are whether all
co-parents (a) accept their stepfamily
and what it
(b) have
resolved any serious
to caregiving
(c) understand
the special needs of the child/ren involved, and (d) know how to resolve
and
conflicts and
associated relationship
We'll start exploring how to make a harmonious
residence shift by hilighting typical changes you'll want to plan for.
Then we'll look at options for making the best of an unplanned child-residence
change.
Basic
Premises
Three keys to successfully
three or more
biofamilies over many years are co-parent
planning, and
change
management. Helping everyone keep their
during a child's residence change is a subset
of this overall challenge.
One way of managing change effectively to clarify "who needs
what, before, during, and after the child moves?" Another way is to
assess "Who
will lose things they value, and who will gain?" A third approach is
"Which of our stepfamily
will be most
impacted by
our child(ren) changing homes?"
Compare your beliefs to these: note whether you
A(gree), D(isagree), or (?) aren't sure...
1) The degree of harmony or heartburn that results from a minor
child changing homes is directly
proportional to who's really making
this change: co-parents'
or their
true Selves. Implication: co-parents who have
worked patiently at
for
false-self
have the best chances for managing a residence transfer that fills everyone's
primary needs well enough. (A D ?)
|
2) Residence changes are best viewed as
changes, not
just "address changes" for the relocating child/ren. Implication: residence
shifts work best long-term when everyone affected feels their needs and opinions have been
thoughtfully respected are easier to adjust to than unplanned or
forced changes.
(A D ?)
3) Child-dwelling and custody
changes should be made by all
affected co-parents, including stepparents - not by minor kids,
siblings, legal or counseling professionals, or relatives. Asking a child
"Do you want to live with me or your Mom / Dad?" abdicates parental
responsibility and risks overwhelming a child with confusion, guilt, and
anxiety. Learning and considering
kids' feelings and wishes in choosing their primary residence is important and respectful.
(A D ?)
Premise 4)
With enough (a)
(b) respectful
(vs. demands or ultimatums), and
(c) empathic
everyone affected by a child shifting homes can feel
"reasonably OK" with their version of the web of changes below. Restated:
all co-parents feeling balanced self
and mutual
raises the odds for
a harmonious residence and custody change. (A D ?)
5) Bioparent (and grandparent)
can be minimized by
choosing not to see this residence shift
as some kind of caregiving "failure" in the original home. The
surface reason for some crisis-based dwelling changes is "I or we (bioparent and stepparent)
can't handle this child - you (the receiving co-parent/s)
do it." (A D ?).
6) Co-parents
who know how to
to discern the
(plural) that motivate
a child's residence change have better chances for a smooth transition
than adults who focus only on surface needs. (A D ?) A final
premise:
7) Co-parents who (a) understand
and
conflicts and
relationship
(b) expect
them to erupt before, during, and after a child changes homes, and who (c)
can use effective-communication
knowledge and
to resolve all three
stressors are more likely to have smooth transitions. (A D ?)
Notice
what you're thinking and feeling. How do your beliefs compare with
these premises? What do the other
adults taking part in your child's residence change believe? Your beliefs
govern your behavior.
Why Change Residences?
Premise: there are healthy and unhealthy reasons to change. Healthy means "the overall long-term quality of everyone's
(a) personal growth and (b) stepfamily relationships is improved by this change."
An alternative definition is "the
of both homes
remains the same or improves over time because of this change." Reasons
refer to the co-parents' primary needs that cause the child to
change homes. What are some healthy primary needs (reasons)?
We co-parents need the safety and the
of all our kids to increase.
We need the frequency
and intensity of child-related conflicts in and between both homes to
decrease.
We need this child to
experience a balance of nurturing from male and female co-parents.
We need to protect and
strengthen the primary relationship/s (e.g. re/marriage) in each
co-parenting home, long term.
We need to resolve a
local family crisis (e.g. a disabled custodial parent), and can see no
better solution than a (temporary or permanent) residence change.
Do you see other healthy reasons for a child's residence change? Here
are some unhealthy primary reasons...
-
To
punish or get revenge on someone
-
To
improve
someone's financial security
-
To appease an
aggressive family member or other person
-
To
accommodate a child's desires for more freedom, less limits, and/or
things like a bigger room, a PC, car, TV, phone, pet, "better school,"
different friends, "more fun,"...
-
To
provide companionship and/or life-purpose for the receiving
co-parent
-
To
lower conflicts between a stepparent and a
stepchild and/or stepsiblings who "don't like each other" and
"can't get along"
-
To
avoid admitting that someone made
-
To
avoid responsibility for improving co-parents'
-
To
appease someone who feels strongly that some
child "needs a sibling"
-
To reduce
a co-parent's excessive
-
To
follow the advice of some lay or professional "expert"
-
To avoid
challenging co-parental responsibilities
-
To end
stressful co-parenting court battles and legal expenses
-
To
avoid someone's grief over major losses (broken bonds)
-
(Add your own)
Do you agree that some primary reasons for a child's residence change
are healthier than others? Note that there are more unhealthy
reasons than healthy ones; and there are lots of chances for
here - i.e. co-parents' masking
or ignoring their real motives for a residence change. Such denials
occur when one or more co-parents are ruled by a
false
self and don't
know it, or aren't ready to face it.
Whether your adults have healthy reasons and an effective
change-management plan or not...
What
Changes Can You Expect?
Each resident in your two homes will experience subtle to jarring changes
as
the child's relocation "sinks in." The combined changes will affect your individual and
family
harmony or stress. See which of these shifts in and between
both
your homes are likely to be significant in your unique
situation...
- who's needs get the most attention,
from whom, and what needs?
Daily
and special routines - like who
gets the bathroom first, getting ready for school and work, rejoining after
school or work, who watches what
on TV, dinner times, home-maintenance chores, laundry, grocery shopping, getting ready for bed, and what happens in the house on typical
weekends.
Household
- a
role is a
set of home and family responsibilities, like taking out the trash, paying the bills,
feeding pets, and setting and enforcing disciplinary limits. Your child's
moving will alter many responsibilities and
rules (how roles are
performed, and by whom) in both homes - specially if accompanied by a
legal-custody change. Role and rule changes will probably
create some disputes over who gets to do what, or doesn't have to do
what.
Finances - this may be a
significant source of transitional conflict, as regular and special child-support and living expenses shift
and stabilize.
Insurance coverages and/or visitation expenses may shift. Conflicts are specially likely if the child's
residence,
custody, and child-support
changes are court-ordered. Conflicts over "money" are never
really about money!
Companionships and alliances
- residents in each home will adjust who they spend time with, and how.
Siblings may lose or gain a playmate, or a nurturing or antagonistic older
(step)brother or sister.
More changes to expect from a child changing homes...
Personal
and couple privacies - adults and kids all will experience a little to a
lot more "alone time." The noise level in both homes may shift,
which may affect privacies and intimacy.
Space - A bed, closet, drawers, and part or all of a bedroom will empty in the
original dwelling, and fill up in the receiving home. Kids may gain or lose a
roommate, wanted or not. Meals will feature an empty chair in one home, and a
filled chair in the other.
Household
conversational focus - the pattern of what residents talk about, and with
whom, will change - probably including telephone and e-mail patterns.
Household
relationship
- the complex pattern
of roles, boundaries, ranks, and communication dynamics - i.e. how each home "runs"
- will alter. So will the
emotional "tone" - the sets of most-prevalent emotions in
adults and kids. The [peace > stress], [secure > anxious], and
[fun
> serious]
balances are likely to shift in one or both dwellings.
Child-visitations routines - the frequency, duration, and logistics (like who
plans, packs, and drives), of shuttling one or more kids to visit their other
parent will change.
Legal
parenting responsibilities and documents -
child
custody and
may shift informally or by court order. So will primary adult
supervision of the child's schooling, church, hygiene, health, socializing,
and special activities. Day-care and/or baby sitting details may
change.
Daily
and special meals - the patterns of grocery shopping, food
preparation, eating and "table-talk," snacking, and cleaning up will
transform.
Holidays
and special
(both homes)
- birthdays, anniversaries, graduations,
vacations, prayers, and other traditional events will change;
Relations
with some relatives, friends, and acquaintances will change. Adults may lose or gain
relationships with the child's friends' parents; the child will probably gain
new friends and lose old ones. The frequency and nature of contact with some
relatives may grow or shrink for each person in both homes. If a bioparent is
single, their dating attitudes and behaviors may change.
Personal
identities - here, identity is how each adult and child
labels themselves as individuals. "I'm the
custodial father of two sons" becomes "... of one son." "I'm a
full-time stepmom" turns into "...a part time..." "I live
with my two sisters, my mom, and my stepdad," shifts to "I live with
my dad and his Basset Hound."
School routines and study habits
- the child may shift schools, courses and teachers. The attitudes and rules
about homework and school performance in the receiving home may be
significantly different.
Respect - co-parents and co-grandparents may gain or lose
self respect when a
child changes homes, as in "I've done a good/bad job as
a caregiver." Relatives and family friends may shift their
opinions of the child's co-parents as persons, and/or in their
caregiving roles. Custodial stepparents may feel
differently about themselves and/or their partner, too.
Expectations, hopes, and fears about the future
-
changes in these can range from minor to major, as in "This summer won't be the
same," to "I thought I'd be able to use my sister's car when I got
my license," to "Now we can (or can't) think about moving to
Colorado and having a baby!"
Each
person's set of
to
grieve -
dwelling changes usually cause
tangible and
invisible
losses (broken attachments, or bonds). These add to each child's and adult's
set of prior childhood, divorce or death, and stepfamily-formation losses
that need to be mourned and accepted. And...
Participation
in child-related activities or groups
will shift, like T-ball, church groups, Rainbows, Indian Princesses or
Scouts, school bands or teams, etc.
Add your own changes...
Did you realize how many things would change when your child
relocates? Like dominos, each of these 20 (!) shifts causes secondary changes to ripple through your
multi-generational stepfamily's
The whole intricate web of your emotional lives and
relationships will oscillate for months or years, until each of your stepfamily
members
what they've lost
well enough and stabilizes their new routines, plans, and expectations.
This is another reason for you co-parents to assess
for
and invest conscious
effort in evolving a meaningful
for your homes and family (i.e. to
work at
The more change-planning discussions your
co-parents and kids have had, the more chance you've had to do anticipatory grief
(mourning before your losses occur), and the faster you
may recover your personal and household
and move on. Does
anything hinder such discussions among you?
I hope this summary of changes motivates you co-parents to (a) plan the change
well, (b) be
of your thoughts, feelings, and needs while the residence-change is
stabilizing, and (c)
the
support you need from each other without
undue anxiety, guilt, or shame.
Each of your adults and kids will adjust to
all these changes at their own pace, in their own way - e.g. privately or
socially, quickly or slowly, intellectually or emotionally, dramatically or
calmly... There is no "best" way to adjust, like there is no
"best" fingerprint.
Before continuing, reflect: why did you begin reading this article - what
did you need? Are you getting what you needed yet?
Continue by exploring
(a) what typical kids need in making a residence change, and (b) options for
managing unplanned dwelling changes well enough.
