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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This two-page Solutions article for
co-parent mates is one of a sub-series that explores special stepfamily
problems. It focuses on a decision that can
wreck or strengthen a re/marriage:
whether or not to conceive an
"ours" child together. This choice is far more complex in
typical stepfamilies than average intact biofamilies! The article covers (a)
perspective, (b) four key questions about conception, and (c) co-parent
options for making wise long-term decisions.
The
ideas here will make more sense if you first read...
-
This research summary about
U.S. parents' lack of knowledge
-
This worksheet for couples considering
child conception or adoption
-
These stepfamily
basics and
and the...
-
millions of U.S.
stepfamilies ultimately break up; and...
-
Factors that create a
("functional") family; and read...
-
Key components of a
healthy relationship,
and...
-
The primary
of most stepfamily problems,
and...
-
These
premises
about all stepfamily relationship problems.
Stepfamilies
Are Complex!
By definition, a multi-generational
is composed of one or more minor or grown stepkids, plus their one or two
living bioparents, plus one or two stepparents, plus all the legal and blood
relatives of three or more co-parents. Each stepparent may or may not have
prior kids and living or dead former mates of their own.
Forming of a stable extended stepfamily requires the enormously complex
physical, emotional, and legal
of three
or more multi-generational biofamilies. This blending process usually takes four
or more years to stabilize after re/wedding - longer, if both of a stepchild's divorced parents re/marry.
As the merger proceeds, typical minor stepkids have four sets of concurrent
developmental and family-adjustment needs, totaling (worst case)
40 to 60 concurrent
needs they must fill for healthy young-adult independence.
While helping your minor kids fill their mix of these overlapping needs,
your co-parents face at least 30
adjustment needs that your peers in healthy intact biofamilies don't have
- on top of your normal aging and personal-growth needs. Your extended
stepfamily has up to 15
(e.g.
step-uncle, half sister, non-custodial biodad,...) to negotiate, clarify, and
stabilize, as you adjust the "regular" 15 biofamily roles (mother, niece,
grandfather, cousin, son...).
Your stepfamily is amazingly complicated in
structure and dynamics.
It will takes a long time after cohabiting and re/wedding to stabilize. Some
stepfamilies never stabilize psychologically, financially, logistically,
and legally. Millions re/divorce within
10 years after commitment, and
millions more endure ongoing stress and discomfort rather than divorce.
This inherent complexity makes deciding if and when to add a new child to
the stepfamily unusually challenging and impactful. One way of adapting to
that is to break the decision into parts:
Four Basic Questions
Few typical co-parents are adequately
informed of and prepared
for the complexities and difficulties in merging their several families. One
implication is that new partners should be extra thoughtful and honest about...
-
who wants to have a child?
-
why do you want an "ours" (vs. his or hers) child?
-
when?; and
-
how likely it is that you and your relatives
can provide a consistently
environment
for a baby and all other
members?
Before looking at each of these, consider: "having a baby" really
means "creating a human who will probably have kids, who will have
kids, who..." Most babies will probably pass genes, values, traditions,
and beliefs to a vast
fan of offspring across many future generations.
If you have two kids, and each new generation bears two kids, in 12
generations your genetic progeny will number over 8,000 people,
excluding death and infertility! So the
of the adult
your baby becomes will genetically and socially affect thousands
of future people. Notice your reaction!
|
With that in mind, take a look at...
Who Wants a Baby?
"Motivation" is the quenchless human urge to fill significant current
- emotional,
physical, and spiritual discomforts. Each moment, you're aware of some needs, and
unconscious of
For you and your mate, making complex decisions like "Should I re/marry?" and "Shall we have a baby?" involves a mosaic
of conscious (surface) and unconscious (primary) needs. These often oppose
each other
and between
you, which causes doubt, confusion, and stress.
The complexity of your stepfamily
makes it vital that you partners are as clear as possible on your
primary needs before making a conception decision that will
change your and your kids' lives forever. Have you ever
and talked honestly about your
respective needs? Did you see and hear your key caregivers do that when you
were a child?
My clinical experience with over 1,000 typical
U.S. co-parents is that a high
majority of us
(unintentionally)
childhoods.
That usually means our thoughts, behaviors, and decisions are dominated by a
without our
knowing it. Among other things, that often means we...
-
automatically minimize and
ignore our primary needs; or we...
-
assert them with
significant
ambivalence,
and anxiety; or we...
-
often rank our needs as
than other
peoples' needs, and deny or justify that.
If you and/or your partner are ruled by a false self, you
risk not knowing your combined current primary needs; often
without knowing it; and making impulsive or
skewed decisions that you regret later. That's not a great
framework for evaluating whether to co-create a new person!
Has your mind ever created convincing reasons or impulses to act in
ways you knew "weren't right"? Our well-intentioned false selves are wizards at conning
us and each other into thinking, believing, and doing unhealthy and
harmful things to gain short-term relief or pleasure. The preferable
alternative is having your wise
true Self make wise short and long-term decisions
|
How can you and your
mate tell whether your false self or true Self is urging you to conceive a
child? Do safeguard
together
honestly. It provides an effective way to
for false-self
and
any you
find. |
If you conclude that one or both of
you has been controlled by a false self, then be skeptical about the
long-term wisdom of your child-conception reasoning. When your true Selves are solidly
of your
review the
pros and cons above again thoroughly. See if you reach a different
conclusion together.
Incidentally, if other adults and kids have
significantly intense
feelings and opinions about you mates possibly conceiving a child, use the 12 Project-1
checklists to estimate
whether they are controlled by a
Your best
stepfamily advisors will be
solidly guided by their
and a benign
(vs. "wrathful, jealous")
A premise here is that a stepfamily "ours" child-conception decision is
far more complex than in typical young biofamilies. Part of the complexity
involves evaluating...
2) Why Do We Want An Ours
Child?
See how you feel about these premises:
Some reasons for conceiving a
child are healthier (promoting personal growth, happiness, productivity,
and serenity) than others;
Some conception reasons are universal,
and others are unique and situational;
Ideally, child-conception
decisions should consider (a) the wholistic health and welfare of the
future child /adult; (b) plus conception and birth impacts on each
bioparent + their relationship + others "significantly" affected by the
new child's existence.
See which of these co-parent reasons for conceiving an ours child
are "healthy" for all four of these domains, in your situation: "I want us to
conceive a baby to...
|
_ Please my mate
_ Give my child
a brother/sister
_ Feel like a
full, real wo/man
_ End my
loneliness / emptiness
_ Please my (grand)parent/s
_ Pass on my
genes, name, and wisdom
_ Have a
life-long companion
_ Get or keep
financial child support
_ Avoid missing
one aspect of being fully human
_ See what it's
like
_ (Re)gain
stepfamily status and approval
_ Share one of
life's most profound challenges
and joys with my beloved partner
_ Improve the
world
_ Get it right,
this time
_ I reject
abortion and/or adoption
_ |
_ Be socially
normal
_ Feel like a
regular family
_ Fulfill God's
purpose
_ Give me
something to do
_ Strengthen our
marriage
_ Avoid being
old, sick, and alone
_ Avoid major
regret when I'm old
_ Give me a life
purpose
_ Match my
sibling/s or friend/s
_ Beat the
biological time clock
_ Get even with someone, or prove something to someone
_ Have the son/daughter
I've longed for
_ I want what
your ex spouse had with you, so I can feel "equal"
_
Renew or save my marriage - ensure my mate doesn't abandon me/us
_ |
Which of these conscious child-conception motivations do you feel are
"healthy" for you all? Are you ambivalent on any of them? Which of
these motivates your partner? Whose motives (needs) are stronger? If you're a parent already, how have your child-conception
motivations shifted since the first birth? Can you rank-order your reasons? Can
your partner? Have
you talked about your motives enough?
Now consider...
Why
We
Shouldn't Have an
"Ours" Child (Now)
|
_ I / you
don't want a(nother) child
_ We can't
afford the expense
_ I'm / you
seem too overwhelmed
_ We're not stable enough as a new couple, home, and stepfamily
_ I'm not clear
on what really want, now
_ You're saying
"yes" to please (someone)
_ We haven't
enough family support
_ People I trust
advise against it
_ It's too big a
genetic risk
_ I / you
really don't want to go through the effort again
_ Child
conception
just doesn't "feel right" to me now
_ My son / daughter
is strongly opposed to us having
a baby
_ I dreamed /
had a vision / have a strong hunch that (conception) isn't
right for me / us
_ I am /
you are too old
_ |
_ We haven't got
enough space
_ Your (my) ex mate may/will go ballistic
_ I'm not really
sure we'll stay together
_ I don't trust
you and/or myself to be an adequate parent, in our situation
_ I'm not
convinced you really want a child with me
_ Our parenting
values are too different, and we can't seem to compromise
_ My / your
health is too weak / fragile
_ We'd risk
unacceptable disapproval and rejection from (who?)
_ I
don't trust (or agree with) your decision here
_ My and/or
your existing child(ren) are too needy and unstable
_ I / you
don't really want to quit work / school
_ We're responsible for not adding another Earth-resource
consumer
_ I don't trust
our decision process; I'm / you're / we're too impulsive
or needy
_
|
Only you mates can decide how to rank and mix these pros and cons, and what's
healthy enough for you each and all, short and long term. As you
decide, you mates will want to know...
When Is The
Right Time to Have
an Ours Child?
Reflect for a moment on your initial answer to that question. Is it general,
like "When everyone's ready for it."? Though every stepfamily is unique,
some universal factors shape the best time to conceive an "ours" child...
1)
Whether either of you
carry significant false-self
My
experience since 1979 suggests
that until well along in personal
healing, wounded mates are at high risk of
unintentionally being
parents. So the best time to
conceive is when you each agree your true Selves are solidly
If either
of you has a significantly wounded ex mate, that will almost surely
lower the
of the
family your baby will grow up in.
2) How
knowledgeable
your co-parents are. I propose that one of the
for widespread American
psychological and legal re/divorce is co-parent
of
how to cope effectively with these 11 core
When
all three or more of your co-parents can (a) describe each
stressor knowledgeably as it pertains to you all, and (b) outline
specifically what to do about it, you may be prepared to decide
on having a child together.
Another conception-timing
factor is...
3) How well
along you all are in
your several
biofamilies and stabilizing your complex
web of
and
A newborn will send emotional, financial, logistic, structural, and perhaps legal
shockwaves throughout your
If your scores of
steprelatives are "pretty well
adjusted" to your complex biofamily
then having an "ours" child probably won't swamp your stepfamily boat.
A specially important factor here is how well ex mates and stepparents have
overcome their mix of these typical co-parental
so far.
Measuring these stabilities
objectively isn't easy. A rough rule of thumb is - if it takes average
stepfamilies at least four years to stabilize after each
co-parent re/wedding, then having an "ours" child within
about three years after your nuptials is significantly risky. |
Another way of estimating
whether the safety and stability of your stepfamily environment is high
enough to support all the changes an "ours" baby will bring is
to assess your stepfamily strengths
now. If they're low, I recommend holding off on cribs and
diapers. That's specially true if your four levels of personal and
stepfamily
support are "low" also.
A final conception-timing
factor is...
4)
How well you mates have considered everyone's
in
this complex stepfamily decision. Some co-parents false selves feel child conception is
"nobody's business but ours." That's risky in a
multi-home stepfamily where many kids and adults will be
significantly affected for many years.
If you choose to conceive, you won't know the wisdom of
your decision for some years. Your long-range
outcome will be directly proportion to (a) how well you've informed all
affected family members of your conception evaluation, and (b) how well you've learned
and balanced their primary (vs. surface) needs with yours. It takes time
to do that thoroughly! This is not giving the decision to other people
(specially kids!), but it is deepening the knowledge base from which to make
your impactful decision.
Continue
with the fourth basic conception question, and a summary of key options...
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