The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/religion1.htm
This
is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family
relationships and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each
article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs.
replace,
other
professional help. The
"/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents"
means both bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a
multi-home nuclear stepfamily. Clicking links below will open an
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Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
To
get the most from this article, first read...
-
These thoughts on the difference between
spirituality and religion,
-
this perspective on nurturing vs. toxic
spiritual and religious beliefs
and practices, and..
-
this brief sketch of your
For "extra
credit," read...
-
this article on the mental, emotional, and
spiritual levels of
healthy grief.
Typical American re/marriers are more likely to have different
religious beliefs and practices than first marriers. A re/marriage
involving prior kids triggers the merger of
multi-generational biofamilies - yours, mine, and
one or more ex mates'. The chance for moderate to major religious conflicts
in and between related co-parenting homes is higher in typical
stepfamilies than in average biofamilies. This article explores (a)
why arguments over religion (vs. spirituality) are specially
intense, (b) common surface disputes, (c) underlying primary problems,
(d) basic premises about reducing family "religion" disputes, and
(e) options for reducing or resolving primary problems effectively.
|
To permanently reduce any significant family conflict over
"religion," you'll probably have to
want to
some core
values and/or attitudes. So will other involved family members.
For
more perspective, read about
prejudice in stepfamilies. |
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this? What do you need?
Option: say out loud what you believe religion is. Then compare
that to this...
What is Religion?
What
does the word religion bring to your mind? Do you see yourself as a religious
person? Does your partner? Were you raised in a religious family?
Are you teaching the young people in your life to be religious? Can
you define the difference between religion and spirituality to
an average 12-year-old?
Microsoft Bookshelf 2000 defines "religion" as " a.
Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator
and governor of the universe. b. A personal or institutionalized system
grounded in such belief and worship." For
our purposes, let's say that a personal or family religion is...
-
a set of comparative (right/wrong)
beliefs about God,
worship, good and evil, the origin of the universe and the Earth, and
what happens to your soul after physical death; which are...
-
based on someone's interpretation of
Holy scriptures
(the authentic teachings of God or God's representative/s),
rather than personal life experience; and religion (usually)
includes...
-
a
church
organization of lay and trained persons who (a) teach
religious beliefs (the "Truth") and practices, and (b) provide worship
sites, rituals, codes of morality and conduct, and social services. And
personal or family religion includes...
-
a set of private and public
worship behaviors and
practices designed to please God and gain self respect and social
approval.
How
does this compare with your definition?
Most people acquire their initial religious beliefs from the teaching and
behavior of early caregivers, teachers, hero/ines, and any church-based
experiences and religious education programs. As people (you) mature, they
may (a) live by and preach original beliefs to others without any critical
examination, and/or (b) adopt new religious beliefs ("convert") for various
reasons, and/or (c) intentionally meditate and deepen their spiritual
awareness and contact with their Higher Power, and/or (d) have "spiritual
awakenings" or "epiphanies" that strengthen or change their beliefs, and/or
(e) change the importance (priority) of religion in their hectic daily life.
Proclaiming "I
(or my family) see and worship God the right
way, and you (and/or your family) don't" can cause stepfamily members to
attack, shun, or revile each other with unique fervor. Why?
What's Unique About Fights Over "Religion"?
When
someone feels (a) "I'm right and you're wrong about (something)" or (b) "You
(or your family) are inferior to me (and my family) because of your
beliefs, customs, and values," then hurt, resentment, anger, counterattacks,
arguments, and avoidances bloom. When the "something" is religion (e.g.
"Jews are God's chosen people (i.e. are better), not Muslims"),
conflicts can be specially intense and bitter. I assume that because you're
reading this, your stepfamily members may be significantly stressed by some of
these.
Several things can combine to make
conflicts over religious beliefs and practices specially galling:
"righteousness"
- using Holy scriptures (The Bible, Torah, Koran, Upanishads) as absolute proof that you are right and the other person is wrong,
"because God says so." There is no room for debate. The real issue is a
values conflict over which scriptures are "right," which is beyond "proof."
faith that
"my religion's teachings and practices guarantee me salvation from death
and/or Hell", so the possibility that my faith is wrong and yours is right
is intolerable (terrifying) to me;
fear of
painful rejection from relatives, friends, and neighbors
who scorn or pity "nonbelievers;"
and...
-
kids
and grownups who unconsciously equate being wrong with being bad (inferior),
can't tolerate others' implying their
religious beliefs are wrong. This is specially true for many of us who were
significantly shamed as young kids.
In my clinical experience, that is true of most divorced and stepfamily
co-parents;
And disputes over religion are bitter because of...
the insoluble paradox that "I'm not disrespecting you (by saying you're wrong),
I'm compassionately trying to save your Soul (as God instructs me) by
offering you the truth (my superior faith) - can't you see accept that?"; and...
conflicts
over religion or worship can't be resolved by logic,
explanation, or "proof." Most (all?) religious arguments net out to "My
Holy
book says that God said (something), so you and other unbelievers
are wrong (and inferior);" and...
confusion
between religion (man-made scriptures, rituals and rules),
and
(the relationship between a
person and their Higher Power); and...
many
"defenders of (their) faith" are...
-
ignorant of
other religious beliefs and practices, and how to judge whether these are
psychologically and socially
healthy or toxic,
-
unaware of being
ruled by shamed, fearful, guilty
who need to deny
or reject the factors above ("I am not religiously biased - just
faithful!"); and...
-
people who
argue (or preach) about who's religion is "right" are often
that
they're
communicating amplifies or becomes the problem.
So - to reduce the "religion
conflict/s" in your stepfamily, co-parents and relatives will need to acknowledge and
want to reduce...
Note the implication - your "religion problem" is
not about religion! Before
looking at your options, see if you recognize any of these...
Typical
Surface Religion Conflicts
A "surface conflict" is a symptom of deeper problems. With
in mind, see which
religion disputes you recognize...
"I or we significantly disagree with, resent,
and/or disapprove of...
what you believe
about God and worship, or related ideas, and/or why
you believe it; and/or...
how, when,
and/or where you (a) worship your God
and/or (b) express your faith - (e.g. preaching, handing out
pamphlets, disparaging other faiths...); and/or...
the priority you assign
to practicing your religion, ("Worship should come before your hobbies."); and/or
I or my relatives disagree with...
your attitude
about my (family's) choices of religious beliefs and
practices (e.g. your intolerance, ridicule, scorn, indifference,
hypocrisy, or
bigotry);
and/or with...
the religious
ideas and practices you're teaching the young
people in our home or lives, and/or how
you're teaching them - e.g. by scaring or shaming them, and/or not permitting
questions, doubts, or disputes; and/ or I disagree with...
the
you communicate
with me (or don't) about our religious differences - e.g. you
won't take personal responsibility for your beliefs and/or
behaviors, and insist you're only following God's word (as written in
your holy book); and...
And
most of all, I resent...
your
implying or saying your religious preferences and beliefs are "better" or
"more correct" than mine or my family's.
I feel disrespected by you, and I resent your not caring enough about me and our
relationship to accept my beliefs as legitimate even though they're
different than yours..
Add your own causes of stepfamily
religious conflict...
Do
these describe your stepfamily "religion conflicts"?
These are all surface
conflicts caused by
primary needs like these:
The
Primary Conflicts (Needs)
People who get "upset" when their spiritual and/or religious beliefs or practices are
criticized or disrespected usually need to...
feel
right - normal, "regular," and OK;
feel powerful - i.e.
to control your perceptions,
beliefs, and actions. "When I do the Lord's work" by 'bringing the
Light' to you and others, I feel the power of God!"
trust
their own judgment and reasoning, or else they feel unsafe in a dangerous
world;
avoid
the horror of aloneness by
being accepted by a group of other people
(like a church community). Such acceptance depends partly on politely or aggressively
showing you
that our beliefs are right and yours are wrong.
And people who argue religious beliefs need to...
find an
effective way to live with the horror of
death and the (learned)
threat of 'eternal damnation;'
and they need to...
feel
"I am a good person in the eyes of a
judgmental God, myself, and my relatives and friends." Good depends on "saving your soul," and
"believing and doing the 'right' religious things - according to (a
Holy book);" and...
preserve my
(acting on my core beliefs),
my dignity
(respecting my self), and my identity (knowing clearly who I am).
These all are affected by what I believe about
God, worship, good and evil, and
"religion;" and finally, people who argue about religion need to...
feel
respectable and reasonable, by
my primary
needs (above). Otherwise (my ruling subselves) feel ashamed and
guilty.
|
Needs like these are primal, intense, and semi-conscious, so using logic and "reason" to change
another's religious faith can never work. Neither can threats,
demands, or punishments. Criticizing another's religion or
spirituality is as silly and arrogant as believing your fingerprints or ear
lobes are superior to
theirs. |
Does
it seem reasonable that your stepfamily members who argue about religion
have some mix of the primary needs above? If so, are they able to describe
and own these needs? Can you?
Do
you need a stretch break? When you're ready, let's use the ideas above to
identify
some options for reducing "religion" conflicts
in and between your family homes. Let's add some more...
Premises About Conflicts over "Religion"
Use
your version of these premises to evolve an effective
conflict-resolution strategy. If you don't agree with
these ideas, identify what you do believe...
Conflict over
"religion" (beliefs, practices, holy book, God, language) is a
Values conflicts are resolved
differently than disputes over provable "facts" and physical things. The key to resolving them is
each person genuinely
agreeing to disagree, to fill other needs for peace, harmony,
inclusion, loyalty, acceptance, and companionship.
The claim that any Holy book is the
true word of God cannot be verified or "proved."
All
young children need spiritual (vs. religious)
encouragement, education, and
guidance to help them grow into
independent young
adults. Typical kids of
and/or parental re/marriage are specially
apt to be confused and needy if any of
their several
hold significantly-different
religious faiths and customs.
Each adult and child has the innate right to evolve and live by their
own beliefs about God, worship, good and evil, the origin of the universe
and the Earth, and what happens to your soul after physical death.
Implication: co-parents are responsible for encouraging their children
to do this over time, without
imposing their own religious beliefs;
|
To genuinely agree to disagree, each person must be consistently
by
their
Restated: to
maintain mutual compromise over different religious beliefs and
practices, each conflicted person needs to be free of significant
|
Continue with
(a)