The Web address of this page is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/religion2.htm
This concludes a two Web-page article exploring co-parents' options for
resolving significant stepfamily conflicts over "religion" or
"church." The first
page explores typical surface conflicts, their probable primary
causes, premises
underlying lasting conflict resolutions, and options for resolving your
"religion conflict." This page provides an example of these options in
action, and suggests options for dealing with other people's conflicts.
If
the "Religion" Conflict is Between Other
Family Members...
If you jumped here from above,
you've concluded that your tension or stress comes from other adults or kids
in your home or stepfamily are fighting over some religion "issues."
What hasn't changed is that your needs aren't getting met well enough. What has
changed is the awareness that your conflict is not about
"religion."
There are too many possible core causes of discomfort to summarize here.
Some typical ones are...
You're
losing
trust
in or respect for your
mate because of the way s/he is behaving in this family conflict; and/or...
You
feel
by your
mate, child, parent, or ex mate, in the
s/he communicates with you about this "religion problem;" and/or...
You may feel
"uneasy" (anxious or
that this conflict between other
members is powerful enough to wreck or lose something you value - like a
marriage, family bonding or peace, or a child's emotional security; and/or...
You disagree with the religious
instruction that your child is getting from his or her stepparent;
This "religion" conflict between other
family members may be bringing up unresolved
with a parent, sibling, or some other key person - and you're not sure what
to do about that; and/or...
The conflict between others is
preventing you from getting something you need or want - like going to the
church of your choice or studying a Holy Book with others, and/or...
The others' conflict is causing
anxious, guilty, shamed, or angry
to activate
and
your true Self so you lose your serenity.
There are many other possibilities. The good news is, whatever the
causes of your discomfort, you have options to reduce them.
See
which of these options feel relevant:
Start
by checking if your true
is
your personality. S/He will usually know what to do next, if you get quiet, listen, and trust what you hear! If a
well-meaning false self is
in charge, getting
your true Self back in command is your core problem. See
the Project-1 articles on
("parts work")
or this practical
guidebook
that integrates those articles and worksheets. And you may choose to...
Refer to your
or draw one if you
haven't yet. Identify clearly which family members are conflicted about
"religion." Then review these common
primary needs.
Then use
and
skills to clarify what you
need, relative to the other family-members' "religion" conflict. For
instance, you may need these people...
to
work on owning and
resolving their dispute, or stop inviting you to take sides, so you can have more peace;
to treat each other with
more respect, because you care for them both/all;
to stop endless bickering,
sniping, bellowing, slandering, or gossiping, so you can regain dwindling
respect for them;
to localize their
disagreement, and stop polarizing the whole family - which causes you
anxiety. And you may need them...
to stop teaching young
people (e.g. your child/ren) in your stepfamily that some
religious beliefs are better than others, and that people who
hold "wrong" religious ideas are inferior and bad.
There are many other possibilities. The keys
here are to get
clear on what you truly need, and then validate your needs as
being just as important as everyone else's! As you do this...
|
Check yourself for significant symptoms of
In my experience, many (most?) divorced and re/married
co-parents have them. If you do, it's a sure sign your
is governed (in this situation) by a
When this happens, our
subselves feel responsible for others' discomforts, and we feel great guilt and anxiety if we can't
"fix" their problem. |
Typical false selves are experts
at (well-meant) camouflage. If you're unsure if you have these
traits, or want to
confirm your judgment, seek a counselor
familiar with identifying and healing co-dependence. There
are now many helpful books,
tapes, and programs available to help you.
whether each family member you're conflicted about is guided by
their true Self or a protective false
self. If the latter, review these options.
If
you choose to confront others' false-self control, be alert: protective false selves commonly
so your family partner may misinterpret
your suggesting
personal healing as a put-down and attack. If you're sincere, respectful, and guided by
your true Self, and s/he misinterprets what you're
suggesting about being wounded, you can't
that. You can offer compassion, empathy, and encouragement,
while you keep your integrity and
clear.
An
implacable fact: if one or more of the people you're conflicted
with is
ruled by a false self, the odds of you doing effective
problem-solving with them plummet. If so, your best bet is
to...
use these
wise
and keep your personal boundaries and
integrity strong and clear,
stay clear
on your personal rights as a dignified,
worthy
person,
work steadily at your own
if needed,
and...
seek a compassionate
view of your
wounded family members without guilt, anxiety, or
them. "Tough love" (respectfully enforcing painful limits)
can sometimes help move tormented adults and kids toward
"hitting bottom," changing some
and beginning true recovery.
When you feel you've
(a) identified
your surface and underlying primary needs clearly enough, (b) ranked them, and
(c) checked for co-dependence, then (d)
pick one or more
family members and
prepare to
your key needs with them - one at a time. If you
don't feel fluent in all seven communication
invest time in building fluency and
confidence before you assert.
"Prepare" includes...
-
confirming
that you have a solid
(mutual respect) attitude,
-
calmly expecting responses
to your assertion to include attacks, fleeing, defensiveness, whining, subject-changing,
collapsing, guilt trips, and denials; and...
- coaching yourself to use patient
and reassertion with them to keep
you both on target.
Repeat
these steps with
each family member you need something from. Coach yourself and
others to be patient, for - like clashes over parenting
values - disputes over "religion" are
usually symptoms of underlying personal
which don't heal in
a few conversations...
As your Selves
(capital "S") work with your
inner and outer families to (re)build respect, trust, empathy, and tolerance, help
all of you stay aware that
you talk together is just as important
as what you talk about. "Talking" occurs to fill
and other
needs. Coach each other to use
and
skills to spot the difference between win-win
and the many seductive
A final powerful option you all have is...
Help each other
learn what (a)
and (b)
conflicts, and (c)
are, how they block you each from getting your needs met, and
how to spot and resolve them. Also encourage each other to become aware of your patterns and habits with
We've just outlined key strategies and options if (a) you are conflicted with
one or more family members about "religious issues," and/or
(b) you're "upset" (anxious, angry, frustrated, confused,...)
because other members of your family are conflicted. Each
set of strategies is more likely to fill your primary needs if you invest time
in identifying and resolving related
first. Note your option to print these two pages
(and others) and give copies to
your family members and supporters as discussion starters.
Recap
Surface conflicts over religion and personal
can be specially divisive
and stressful, because they involve core personal
and needs.
Members of typical new stepfamilies are more likely to have such conflicts
than people in intact biofamilies, because they're usually blends of
biofamilies with very different backgrounds
and beliefs.
Conflicts over religious beliefs and/or practices usually
occur among a web of stepfamily clashes over stepfamily
family
(inclusion/exclusion);
and
values, and
loyalties; communication
and
tangible assets like belongings, homes, and
money.
Combined, these conflicts can cause accumulating stepfamily tension,
distrust and dislike that can eventually overpower mates' re/wedding
commitments.
This article offers (a) premises about
conflicts over religion, (b) several ways co-parents can prepare to resolve such
emotionally-challenging disputes, and (c) specific options for resolving two
different conflict scenarios. Both
resolution strategies hinge on...
-
empowering family-members' true Selves,
-
identifying each person's
primary needs and ranking them as equally valid
and important; and...
- using the seven
communication
skills patiently and empathically to progress toward filling more of
everyone's primary needs.
This last key includes separating concurrent
internal and mutual conflicts, solving the former first, and working on the
latter one at a time together.
Bloody human history documents the depth and scope of human aggression and cruelty over
"religious differences." It testifies to the steep challenge of
resolving this special values
conflict. If the co-parents in your stepfamily are each committed
to personal
and
building a
stepfamily
together,
you all
together what
has defeated many kings, popes, nations, and armies.
Your kids and their
unborn descendents depend on you all to do so...
Pause and reflect why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? Has anything changed from reading this? Is there someone you'd like to
discuss this with? Why? If you haven't yet, see these related articles on
stepfamily spirituality
and adapting to significant family and/or social prejudices.
+ + +
<<
Prior page / Add to favorites
/ Print page
/ Email this article's address
>>
