The Web
address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spl/relocate.htm
This concludes an article exploring how to co-manage all the changes
that come from a co-parent's household relocating.
The first page outlines...
-
14
factors that determine whether major family changes like a
geographic move are smooth or traumatic,
-
the
elements of a
successful plan, and...
-
suggestions on how your
co-parents can
prepare
to draft an effective long range relocation plan.
This page
continues with a checklist of things to plan for, and ways to adjust
successfully to the relocation changes in your multi-home stepfamily
system. Clicking links below will open a popup or new browser window. Use
your browser's "back" button with the latter to return here.
Relocation-planning Checklist
Whether your household is moving or your kids' other home is,
there are up to 30 topics that will
need cooperative discussion
among you co-parents and kids. Many of these have no counterpart in an
intact-biofamily household move. The keys to a successful relocation plan
are each affected adult and child feeling that (a) their key needs and
opinions have been
considered, and that
(b) inevitable compromises are "fair enough."
See if you feel everyone affected by the move needs clear answers to - and
possible discussion on - these:
1) Why is this
move happening?
2) _ Who will
be most affected by it, and _ why?
3) Who's
responsible for managing the changes from this move in each co-parenting
home?
4) _ When and
_ how will the move take place?
5) What
questions do each of our affected children and relatives have about the
relocation?
6) Who
will each of us need to tell about the relocation, when, and why?
7)
How
will we all handle any
significant
and
conflicts and
relationship
that will
occur because of this move?
8) What are
the main
of each family
member affected by the move?
9) Are each of our
co-parents clear enough on how this move will affect...
|
_ our individual
? |
_ each of our
(re)marriages? |
_ our (step)family's
|
|
_ our (step)family and
individual
? |
_ our (step)family
|
_ the
in each
of our homes? |
|
_ the
of our
communications? |
_ each adult and
child's need for emotional
|
_
of each
of our co-parenting homes? |
|
_ each person's dreams
and hopes for the future? |
_ normal and special
child visitations? |
_ physical and
legal child
custody? |
|
_ who pays who how
much child support,
when, and for what? |
_ each affected
child's schooling, tutoring, friendships, and activities? |
_ existing
orders of protection, and wills? |
|
_ household chores and
in each
affected home? |
_ the effectiveness of
child
discipline
in each of our homes? |
_ medical and other
insurance coverages? |
|
_ relationships with
and among our
|
_ the daily and
special
in each of our
homes? |
_ the
in each of
our homes? |
|
_ legal or informal
names and role titles (e.g. "stepmom") of each child and
adult? |
_ pets, key
friendships, and community and church activities like scouting
and sports? |
_ anyone's needs or
decisions about legal
child adoption? |
|
_ Each person's
expectations about how this move will affect our stepfamily
long term? |
_ How this move will
affect each of our careers and jobs? |
_ how will we
among us
on any of these topics? |
|
_ how shall we
all
these factors in each of our co-parenting homes? |
_ what resources will
we need to make this relocation smooth enough? |
_ how will we
whether
each child and adult is
their
well
enough? |
|
_ what shifts in
personal space (privacy), freedoms, and
will
occur during and after this move? |
_ how will we judge
whether this move is successful? |
| _ |
_
|
_ |
What's your reaction to this checklist? Option: with these factors in mind,
review your
move-planning choices
again. Has anything changed?
Now
lets explore your options for...
Adjusting
Successfully to Move-related Changes
Remember how it felt the last time you adjusted to an important life change?
What did it take to adjust? How long did it take, and what affected that?
How does each resident of your nuclear stepfamily adjust to
changes? Some people adapt quickly, and others take longer to restabilize
their thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Do you agree that - like grieving -
there is no "best way" to adapt?
Adapting to major life changes has two domains for each child and grownup:
(re)gaining...
mental serenity
by identifying and answering significant questions we have about the
household relocation, and...
emotional
tranquility, by...
-
(a) feeling and (b) expressing the sadness, excitement, irritation,
frustration, resentment, relief, regret, and guilt that occur as our
lives are disturbed and we recover;
-
Rebuilding our
in (a) the
security of our homes and local environments; and (b) the
well-being of each of our key relatives, friends, and relationships;
-
Regaining any lost (a) financial and (b) legal stabilities; and...
-
Re-establishing comfortable, stable daily and weekly routines; and...
-
Clarifying and accepting any changes in major personal expectations and
goals for the future ("Now that we live near the ocean, I can learn to
scuba dive!")
Your
adults' and kids' emotional tranquilities are also strengthened by
regaining...
-
physical stability
- via returning to comfortable-enough sleep, work, rest, and sex cycles,
and having any relocation-related "worries" fall to "acceptable" levels
so physical symptoms (headaches, stomach upsets,...) abate; and...
-
social stability
- (a) clarifying and accepting which of our key
(person, spouse,
co-parent, child, student, neighbor, relative,...) and relationships
have changed; and (b)
key adjustments
(compromises) to these that we each need; and...
-
tranquility,
in case that got upset during the relocation.
If
each of your adults and kids is aware of these "adjustment realms" and feels
comfortable discussing them ("my body hasn't adjusted to our move yet"),
you'll adapt more easily. What might block any of your family members from
adapting to a household relocation "well enough"? If anyone does seem
"stuck" in adjusting, your co-parents and older kids can check for these:
1)
The person
unconsciously controlled by a well-meaning but myopic
which may be
living in the past.
This is likely to be the most
impactful cause of significant problems before, during, and after
co-parental household relocation. Option: Use
resources to...
2) S/He
can't name what s/he needs or feels. Options:
acknowledge that without blame, and work toward a
safe (respectful, stable)
environment where s/he can get clearer, and vent safely; Help your
person learn the seven Project-2
and use
them to become
and to assert
effectively. Also see 1) above;
3) S/He
is in the process of
normal
which can take many months or years to reach
stable acceptance; or s/he is
some major losses (broken bonds). Options:
use the articles in
and readings like
these to help promote or restart healthy grieving; and/or...
4) S/He
doesn't yet feel physically, emotionally, or spiritually safe enough
at home or in new environments like neighborhood, school, or work.
Options:
_ respectfully ask
about these safeties and what - specifically - s/he needs to feel
safer. A child may not know the answer.
_
whether the
person is ruled by a
false self.
If so, see if s/he's open to some version of
to help gain
security (reduce anxiety). See co-parent
_ assess honestly how
stable and healthy
the adult relationships are in the relocated home. If they're
significantly unstable and/or conflictual, everyone will probably feel
somewhat anxious, numb, and/or detached ("indifferent"). See
_ If you feel the
person's anxiety is significant,
consider
professional
help.
And if your family member is
having trouble adjusting to the household move...
5)
S/He may be unclear on or
conflicted about the post-move stepfamily "jobs" or
(who's responsible
for what) and/or
(when and
how). If this is a child, it's likely one or more of the adults (a) aren't
clear on or accepting of the revised family roles and/or rules in and
between homes, and (b) aren't able to
this yet. Options:
_ You co-parents
explore role and rule clarity (a) in and (b) between your
homes;
_ review and discuss
the idea of co-parent
and then use
this caregiving
inventory together to help negotiate who "should" do what;
_ draw and discuss
as
teammates
to see who's in charge of each of your homes; also...
_ see if each of your
adults and kids have
realistic expectations
about your stepfamily - your roles and rules are largely based on them;
and...
_ check to see if any
of these common
are hindering your adults from clarifying, negotiating, and accepting
the revised roles and rules. If they are, help each other do
together, over time; and/or...
"Household relocation" is a
deceptively simple phrase for a very complex shift and process
inside each affected adult and child, and between all of your bonded
relatives and friends. From first awareness to the last tremor subsiding
from the 32 factors above, a "simple dwelling change" may take several years
to regain family-system stability. Each member will have her/his own
view of this.
As
your relocation process moves through conception > discussion > planning >
moving > restabilizing stages, life is happening all the while. That
probably means each of your kids and grownups will experience other
significant changes concurrent with your relocation shifts. To minimize
stress, your co-parents can help everyone affected by the geographic move by
choosing options like these...
-
work to keep your true Selves
of your
personalities;
-
keep a wide angle, long-range perspective, and clear
and...
-
intentionally evolve an effective family-change
plan well before the actual move; and...
-
stay
of the difference
between surface needs and primary needs; and...
-
pace yourselves and
as your changes
unfold; and...
-
keep clear on everyone's equal
human rights
as problems occur; and...
-
find clarity, courage, and
lightness from inspirations like
these.
Enjoy realizing how many options
you co-parents have to co-create a successful household migration!
Recap
When
one of several related stepfamily households moves significantly closer or
farther away from the other/s, over
30 factors can change for all affected people. The composite effect
of these changes can cause everyone major stress, unless the move is
carefully planned by related co-parents. Whether household relocations are
planned ("We want to move where it's warmer") or not (e.g. a job relocation
or a natural or health crisis), co-parents in all affected homes have many
options toward adjusting to the web of life changes that result.
This
article...
As
with a minor child changing
primary residence, or shifts in child
custody,
visitation, or
financial support, the
effectiveness of your co-parents' communication and planning determine
whether you all rate a complex household relocation as "smooth" or not. Your
rating is a measure of how well each affected person feels their key
got filled during
and after the relocation. Household moves can help to heal past wounds and
strengthen stepfamily bonds, or amplify old
and wounds.
The
keys to a smooth-enough move are shared awareness + knowledge +
+ effective planning
and problem solving + whether each of your co-parent's
is guiding your
Pause and reflect - why did you take the time to read this article? Did you
get what you needed? If so, what do you want to do with this information? If
not - what more do you need?
+ + +
