The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/addicted_kid.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing
divorce. This introduction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas,
so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This two-page article is written to co-parents and concerned supporters who worry
about a minor child's probable addiction, and how that may be
affecting their family. The article
applies to all families, not just stepfamilies. If you're
concerned about an addicted child, picture him or her as you read...
To
get the most from reading this,
study these resources before
reading this article...
these slide presentations
on...
If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
these introductory articles on
addiction basics,
codependence, and "hitting
bottom;"
this brief
research summary suggesting that
most U.S. mental illness" begins by age 14;
this brief research summary reporting
that alcoholism damages female brains
faster than male brains and...
if relevant - these
foundation ideas on stepparent-stepchild roles
and relationships.
This article offers...
-
A review of (a) key addiction basics, (b)
reasons minor kids become addicted, and (c) key
implications for you and your family;
-
Perspective on what's
unique about adapting
to an addicted child vs. an adult, and...
-
Key
action-options if you feel the child is
addicted (wounded) now.
Other articles in this series
describe
options for managing your own addiction,
and adapting to an addicted mate,
ex mate,
or
relative. There are many hyperlinks in
this article. To optimize your focusing and learning, you may want to ignore
the links first, and then go back and follow any of interest after you
finish scanning or reading.
Why Does This Article Exist?
Widespread chemical addiction in adults and kids has become a tragic, costly
American norm in the last several generations. True addictions always
(a) indicate and (b) promote serious family
and stress. This nonprofit Web site is dedicated to breaking the epidemic
[wounds + ignorance]
that causes this dysfunction, and is silently
spreading and weakening our society and ecology.
|
This article is a summary introduction to a complex subject. I
hope it will motivate you to learn more about breaking and
preventing the silent
[wounds + ignorance] cycle that may be affecting you, your
family and its descendents, and other people you care about.
|
To
lay a foundation for the assessment and action options below, see if you
agree with these...
Basic Concepts
A habit is a sequence of thoughts and actions that can be
intentionally changed, like learning to chew with your mouth closed.
A compulsion is an uncontrollable repeating sequence of thoughts
and behaviors that yields some predictable emotional / physical results.
"Uncontrollable" means that reasoning (logic), willpower, and resulting pain
will not stop the sequence. All addictions are compulsions, but not all
compulsions are addictions - e.g. uncontrollable hand-washing,
house-cleaning, perseverating, or nail-biting.
Chemical addiction spans the compulsive, harmful overuse of food (sugar and
fats), nicotine and other inhalants, varieties of ethyl alcohol, and a wide
range of legal and illegal drugs. All of these reliably cause enjoyable
shifts in brain and body chemistry, "mood," and sensory awareness and
perception.
True (vs pseudo) addiction to substances, activities, relationships,
and/or mood states is a sure symptom of...
-
a significantly
family and ancestry;
-
chronic
major inner pain - i.e. [hurts + guilts + shame ("low self-esteem") +
anger + confusion + anxiety (fear) + sadness + despair (hopelessness) + frustrations];
-
significant
dominance and related (psychological)
and...
-
personal, family, and societal
Pre-teens and teens in all socio-economic settings (like your family)
may become addicted because of a mix of powerful factors like these...
-
our society allows couples to conceive
children without checking to see if they're ready to nurture them
effectively; so...
-
typical wounded, unaware, over-busy
caregivers give minor kids inadequate supervision and nurturance (i.e.
them and their developmental needs),
causing significant
One result is...
-
most
kids don't know how to (a)
their developmental and special needs
and (b) ask for adult help in filling them in healthy ways. This is specially true for
children in troubled and
families, and
and...
-
drugs (including sugar and fats) reliably change brain/body chemistry
and reduce inner pain; and...
-
acquired cellular craving for some drugs
like nicotine, alcohol, and some street drugs can turn experimental and
recreational use into a compulsive dependence; and...
-
normal kids impulsively seek adventure,
excitement, and peer acceptance and approval; and...
-
many kids get too little factual information
about addiction and its effects; and...
-
pandemic global demand for addictive
chemicals makes providing them highly profitable, despite legal and
social sanctions.
Without (a) family (vs. personal)
awareness of these things and (b) true (vs. pseudo)
from adult psychological wounds (and any addictions)
these factors relentlessly
the generations
and are spreading in our society.
Addictions can be controlled, vs.
cured, once the person hits true (vs. pseudo)
and chooses to learn healthier ways of managing their pain
and reducing the inner wounds and ignorance that cause it.
Until choosing true recovery, typical
childhood-neglect survivors
unconsciously choose other psychologically-wounded people as mates
and associates over and over again, despite painful results.
I
offer these premises from almost 30 years of professional clinical research
and experience. If you're undecided on or dispute any of them, this article
will probably be of limited or no practical use to you. Recall that we're
laying the foundation for an array of action-options if you have an
addicted child in your family.
What do these realities mean to you and your family?
Implications
Together, these premises suggest some unpleasant possibilities about you and
your ancestors and current family. Ignoring, discounting, or rationalizing
these realities suggests you and/or other family adults (a) are
ruled by a protective
and have not hit
yet; and you (b) are
of some vital realities.
If
you're concerned about the possible addiction of one of your family's young
people (or adults), imagine calling
all your family adults together and discussing these implications:
-
One or more of us adults is a Grown Wounded
Child, and needs to want to admit and reduce significant
false-self dominance and wounds.
-
As long as we ignore or defer doing that, we
all risk maintaining a low-nurturance family, and psychological wounds
and addictions among us all - including (the child you're concerned
about);
-
If
we focus only on trying to get (the child) to manage her (his)
addiction, we're missing the underlying problems. This is like
painting a house when it's infested with termites.
-
All of us adults bear equal responsibility
for
our wounds and reducing any we find. This is not about
blame or failure, it's about discovery, recovery, and
protecting our living and unborn descendents from inheriting the effects
of the [wounds + ignorance] cycle.
-
Our living and unborn children depend on us
to accept these realities and take responsible action to guard (nurture)
them. They cannot say this to us.
How would your family adults feel and react
to these implications? What reaction would your addicted child benefit the
most from?
Who's Responsible for Addictions?
Our society expects healthy adults to (a) be responsible (accountable)
for their actions, and (b) take adequate
of themselves and dependent children. Society also decrees that before minor
kids "leave the nest," they're not fully responsibility for some actions,
and cannot nurture themselves adequately without competent adult help.
One implication of this is that we (society) hold addicted adults
responsible for their choices and actions, but are conflicted about who's
responsible for (a) addicted children's behaviors, and (b) helping them to
recover.
An implacable reality is that most addicted adults and kids
cannot control their toxic compulsions until they hit true bottom,
regardless of what society and family members expect and demand. Other
realities are (a) family caregivers cannot "forbid" a child's need to
self-medicate their inner pain; and (b)
shaming and punishing them for doing so makes the pain
worse for all
family members.
So
a fundamental difference in adapting to addicted kids vs. adults is in
choosing whom to confront. The most powerful, caring way to help an adult
addict is to hold a well-planned family
intervention. It is
based on compassionately forcing the addicted adult to hit bottom and
take responsibility for their actions and self care. Similar interventions
with addicted kids are much less likely to help them hit bottom because
their family (i.e. wounded, ignorant caregivers) usually causes their
inner pain - and kids are not responsible for that.
Restated: the best caring response to an adult's addiction
(self-medication) is an intervention focused on the adult. The most
effective response to an addicted child is (a) an intervention
focused on his or her wounded caregivers, and (b) the caregivers wanting to
provide _ appropriate limits and consequences for the child's behaviors, and
_ appropriate education and therapy to help the child learn better ways of
managing their pain while caregivers take responsibility for reducing their
own respective wounds, pain, and ignorance.
How does this proposal compare with what you believed before reading this
article? What would your other family adults and supporters - including
clergy and other family professionals - say about what you just read? The
rest of this article is based on the idea that a child is not responsible
for admitting and choosing to reducing their addiction -
their caregivers
are responsible for improving (most of) the conditions that
cause the child's addiction. Society is (we all
are) responsible for admitting and reducing the causes of addictions and
false-self wounds that caregivers cannot control.
Note - this does not mean family adults should not set and enforce caring
limits with an addicted child's behaviors while they improve their own
wounds and ignorances!
Based on these fundamentals, what practical options do you have if a family
child seems to be addicted?
Action Options
What follows is a skeleton outline, not a comprehensive review or cookbook
plan. Some options apply to all kids, and some depend on whose child it is
- i.e. depends on your and the child's family roles.
Universal
Options
Regardless of whose child you're concerned about, your best odds to fill
your needs depend on preparing well. Check (a) yourself; (b) your primary
relationship, if any; and (c) your family for several factors.
1) Check Yourself for
three things...
-
false-self wounds and addiction - specially
codependence. If you (a) ignore,
minimize, or defer this, or (b) you have significant
and perhaps your own
addiction/s, and (c) you're not steadily giving high priority to reducing
them, this article will probably be of little practical use to
you.
-
check your knowledge. Get undistracted, and reflect honestly on these
statements. T
= true; F = false,
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
I can describe the concepts of _
_
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I
accept
that personality subselves are normal and real, not
"pathological." (T F ?) If you don't,
read this memo to you, and try
this interesting, safe exercise.
I can
_ clearly explain the difference between a
low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and _ I can describe at
least 10 typical traits of the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that _ a true
addiction is a sign of a low-nurturance family, and that
_ addiction is a family problem, not a personal
one. (T F ?)
I believe addicts are wounded
and cannot control their compulsion without help, not weak-willed, sick,
immoral, a "loser," or
irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can
clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to personality subselves.
(T F ?)
I can clearly define _ what an
addiction is, and
_ the four kinds of addiction. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe _ what
psychological
is, and
_ what needs it serves in an addict’s family. (T F ?)
I can
describe at least four of the common
symptoms of a true addiction now. (T F ?)
I can describe the main difference between preliminary
(addiction) recovery and full (inner-wound)
and why the former is required for the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having "an addictive
personality" really means "having a
(being
controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or what to do about
it." (T F ?)
I can clearly
describe _ the difference between
and _ what it means to have an active relationship with a
responsive Higher power (T F ?)
I can
describe _
pseudo recovery from addiction, _
_
_
cross addiction, _ addiction
relapses, and
_ how well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F
?)
I understand the 12 "Anonymous"
steps for addiction-management now. (T
F ?) .
My
true Self is
to these items now or I know which other subself is responding. (T
F ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling and thinking now...When you
have _ assessed yourself for
false-self wounds, and _ can confidently answer T(rue)
to each of the items above, you're ready to...
I need...
_ to
or protect this child from local and long-term stress and heartache;
_ to ease someone' s
about "causing" this child's addiction, and/or failing to reduce it;
_ to reduce a major stressor between me and
my mate and/or another family adult;
_ to protect my partner and/or another adult
(e.g. a grandparent or ex mate) from guilt, shame, hurt, and/or anxiety
about this child's welfare;
_ to "prove something" to someone relative to
this child's welfare and/or our family;
_ to earn my self-respect and/or preserve my
as a caring person and a responsible
family adult;
_ to focus on this child as a way of avoiding
something uncomfortable about me or our family; and/or I need...
_ something else (what?).
Note that your motivations to "do something"
about the addicted child originate with the personality
that currently rule your life. Do you know who they are yet?
Continue preparing to act...
2) Check Your
Primary Relationship (if
any)
If a child is harming themselves and/or chronically stressing their family
members, their caregivers are wounded and unaware. Mates in such families
often focus on one or more children's "problem behavior" (like addiction) to
avoid acknowledging that one or both partners aren't getting their
filled well enough. If this is true for you now,
you can best help the child long term by intentionally working to improve
your primary relationship.
If your Self (capital S") is
other protective subselves will probably (a) urge you to deny, minimize, or
ignore assessing for significant relationship problems, and (b) deny or
justify doing this. Notice your subselves' reaction to taking these three
assessment steps:
-
When you're not distracted and your Self is
your personality, thoughtfully fill out this
inventory of relationship
strengths and stressors. Then invite your partner to do the same, and
the two of you honestly discuss your results.
-
Review this
profile of a satisfying
relationship, and discuss how it relates to your situation with your
mate;
-
Review these common
with your mate, and discuss whether any of them apply to you now.
Now
apply your results. Rank yourselves on a scale of
one (I am clearly
trying to avoid admitting and acting on significant relationship problems
now) to ten (My mate and I agree that we're not trying to avoid
serious relationship problems now) ___. What does your Self (capital "S") think is the
next right thing to do now?
The
last preparation to make is to ...
3) Check Your
Adult Relatives for
false-self wounds, knowledge, priorities, and recent nurturance-level.
Pause and identify the addicted child's primary caregivers now. If these
adults are wounded, unaware, and unable to nurture effectively, that's a
higher-priority problem for you all than the effects of the child's
toxic self-medication - unless the child's health or life is at immediate
risk. Typical near-sighted false selves will strongly
disagree with this, and/or insist that you must focus on the addicted child.
Reality: excessive inner pain
and addiction (compulsive self-medication) is a family problem.
Assessment options
-
-
use these
worksheets to assess each
of the child's main caregivers for significant false-self wounds. If you
find any, then assess whether the person is in true wound-
yet.
-
honestly rate your present family for these
high-nurturance traits.
-
use these
this inventory, and these articles and slide
presentations to assess each caregiver's
knowledge of personalities; subselves and wounds;
wound recovery; and effective
grieving,
communication,
problem-solving; and
addiction basics.
-
use this
article to assess how satisfied the target child and each main
caregiver is with their recent relationship. To do this, try to imagine
how the child and each adult would honestly rate each relationship
factor with the other person.
-
Discuss the implied or stated purpose
of your family with the child's caregivers. If you adults don't share a
clear family purpose, the wry title of David Campbell's
book probably applies - "If
You Don't Know Where You're Going, You'll Probably End Up Somewhere
Else."
Finally...
|
Apply your results: rank
your status on a scale of one (our family has far
more urgent problems than just this child's addiction)
to 10
(our family's nurturance level is high enough for all of us
adults to focus on deciding if and how best to help this child
hit true bottom) ___. |
Pause, breathe, and notice what your subselves are
.
+ + +
We've just reviewed three ways to prepare to effectively assess if someone's
child in your family may be self-medicating inner pain. Is this what you
expected when you began reading this article?
The
next step is to consider who's child you're concerned about -
your own genetic offspring or someone else's - e.g. a stepchild, adopted
child, or foster child. The assessment and action stakes, risks, and options
differ for each of these. Do you need a break before continuing?
