Whatever the mosaic of reasons each adoptive
adult has, they're collectively powerful enough to justify taking on major
co-parenting, financial, social, and legal responsibilities. It may be a boon that most childless adults are often
unaware of the long-term complexity and scope of these responsibilities vs. their payoffs,
and what's needed to harvest them!
To
set the stage for exploring "successful stepchild adoption," let's
consider...
What
Is "Stepchild Adoption"?
"Stepchild adoption" is a
process with two phases
- psychological and legal. The first phase occurs in all
stepfamilies, when a bioparent and stepparent (or two single bioparents)
commit to a primary relationship and living together. In effect, the bioparent
"adopts" their new partner and any child/ren into their home and
- with or without the consent of each dependent biochild (stepchild) and the
child's other bioparent.
Psychological
Adoption
By
agreeing to be "adopted" (included) by their partner, a stepparent implies s/he will
contribute personal energy, time, and financial resources for the welfare of
each residential or visiting stepchild. Typical new partners usually haven't clearly assessed and agreed on (a) the amounts and frequencies of these
contributions, and (b) what the stepparent needs and expects from the
bioparents and stepchildren in return.
In
the delicious courtship mind-state of neediness + romantic love + attraction
+ optimism, the stepparent agrees vaguely to "help you raise your
child/ren," and the bioparent says or implies "I invite you to share some
responsibility for co-raising my child/ren." A given child may or may not
want a new stepparent to help them prepare for adult independence - specially
if (a) their other bioparent and/or key relatives are ambivalent or opposed
to this, and/or (b) the child is slow or stuck
major
from parent death or their biofamily splitting into two homes.
This
psychological-adoption phase evolves over time. It ranges from harmonious to
highly conflictual, depending on how well each adult's and child's needs are
met. In this phase, stepparents (a) have no legal responsibility
for supporting their stepkids financially or psychologically, (b) are often
unsure of their role, (c) are unaware of stepfamily realities and
implications, and (c) have different
last names than their stepkid/s'.
The child may
call the stepparent by a first name, or some title like "Mom's boyfriend,"
rather than "my parent / Dad / Mom / stepparent." In many states,
non-adoptive stepparents have no
legal rights or responsibilities in their stepchild's education or medical
care, nor any liability for the child's actions (e.g. law-breaking).
Typical psychological or legal stepparents are (wrongly) excluded from any
legal actions between divorced bioparents over child custody, visitation,
and finances.
Usually, a
new stepchild feels no bond with or loyalty to the stepparent, nor any need to obey her or him -
unless the child is very young. Conversely, typical stepparents are cautious
about disciplining
their partner's minor kids, unless the partner is absent. Even then, typical
stepparents feel ambivalent about their authority to set limits and
consequences for resident or visiting stepkids. Even if they're confident of
their authority, their stepkids may
not grant them the right to "tell me what to do." This
can be specially conflictual if the stepparent disciplines children of their
own.
In this
inclusion phase of adoption, the stepparent, bioparent/s, and each
stepchild unconsciously evolve family-
and
related set of rules that regulate their expectations and how they behave
together.
In a
minority
of American stepfamilies, the stepparent and bioparent mates eventually decide to shift
their family roles via...
Legal Stepchild
Adoption
Ideally, legal adoption of a stepchild implies that after significant
meditation and discussion, the stepmom or stepdad feels...
"I acknowledge that (a) my mate and I have chosen to co-create (or
expand) a
stepfamily, and (b) we adults are each responsible for understanding what
that
to all of us - including your other bioparent and relatives."
"I freely choose to share the legal and financial responsibility for
helping you meet your many
developmental and
family-adjustment needs, and
preparing you for successful independent living. I accept responsibility for
learning what legal (parental) rights and obligations I have because of this
decision."
"I am very clear on what needs I want to fill by adopting you. I'm
not doing so to (a) gain someone's approval or acceptance; (b) make our
stepfamily feel like a biofamily, or (c) to strengthen a fragile
re/marriage."
"I
pledge to respect your (the stepchild's) Rights as a unique,
dignified human person, and I need you to respect my equivalent
rights. Part of what this means is I pledge to respect your needs and
reactions to my legally adopting you, even if they differ from mine."
"I
accept that you will always have one or two living biological parents who
(a) share memories, genes, and an ancestry with you that I don't, (b) have a
deeper bond with you than you and I will ever have, and (c) who's needs,
values, and opinions about co-parenting you are just as valid as mine."
"You and
I will probably never develop the same degree or quality of mutual
love and bonding that you and your
bioparents share, regardless of my choosing to share legal responsibility
for your welfare."
"If
there is a legally-binding parental agreement between your mother and father
about child-visitations, financial responsibilities, and custody status, I
acknowledge my responsibility to determine whether I need to negotiate
inclusion in that contract or not."
"I
accept that this adoption decision will affect (a) my biochild/ren (if any),
and (b) active relatives in each of our three or more biofamilies. I'll try
to respect their values and needs according to my and my partner's main
as we all
our biofamilies over many years."
Note
your reaction to these stepparent ideals. How often do you think typical
adopting stepfamily mates could spontaneously describe them?
Do you agree that legal stepchild adoption can (a) strengthen or stress
re/marriages, and (b) raise or lower the stepfamily's
Let's explore the key factors that affect these outcomes...
What's a
Successful Adoption?
Legally adopting a stepchild changes the whole multi-home stepfamily
To judge
whether an adoption is "successful" or "beneficial," (a) some years must
pass, and (b) each co-parent must agree that the nuclear-stepfamily's
nurturance level stayed steady
or improved. In other words, some years after the adoption, all members of
the nuclear stepfamily must agree that this change improved, or didn't
affect...
each primary adult relationship (e.g.
re/marriage) in the stepfamily; and...
the
personal happiness and well-being of all members of the stepfamily,
not just several; and...
the relationships between the adopted
child/ren and each co-parent and (step)sibling.
Another way to gauge adoption success is for co-parents to assess whether it
created any significant unresolved conflicts over
and/or
and
associated relationship
"Significant"
is a subjective judgment beyond logic or "reasoning."
Note that these criteria focus is
the whole nuclear stepfamily, not just on the stepchild and/or
adopting stepparent, or one home.
How
does this definition of "successful adoption" compare to yours?
Your other co-parents' definitions? Your stepchild/rens' ? Do you think
average family-law attorneys and stepfamily counselors would agree with this
definition?
|
The odds of long-term
success of a complex decision like legal stepchild adoption go way up if
all co-parents want to discuss thoroughly and honestly who needs
to adopt, why, and how will this change affect the
nuclear-stepfamily system. |
This
deliberation is far more complex in typical stepfamilies vs. intact
biofamilies because
(a) more
people,
and
are affected, (b) there are more personal and
group merger-tasks to balance,
and (c) average stepkids need informed adult guidance on
special needs that
intact-biofamily youngsters don't have. Because most divorced and re/married
American co-parents seem to be wounded
of childhood
there is also a significantly higher chance that there are major unconscious
agendas shaping each stepfamily-member's reaction to a
stepchild adoption.
With
this in mind, let's now look at...
Who Needs to
Adopt - and Why?
People "behave" in order to
increase current comfort and pleasure - i.e. to fill or satisfy their
To make a successful long-term adoption decision, co-parents
need to be clear (a) who needs this family change, (b) what their primary
needs are, and (c)
whether the affected adults'
are free to
guide their debate and decision.
Who Needs to Adopt?
Several possibilities are...
-
A stepparent is the prime mover;
-
either or both of the stepchild's bioparents want the adoption;
-
a vocal (needy) stepchild or involved
relative is promoting
adoption; or...
-
all these people want the adoption.
Another way of assessing who needs to adopt is to determine who makes the
major decisions in the multi-home stepfamily.
This
(diagramming) technique can reveal who is really in charge of your
stepfamily.
Depending on state
laws, legal stepchild adoption usually requires the written consent of both
bioparents or other legal guardians. If divorced bioparents are
hostile, such consent can become a weapon or bargaining chip.
For
clearer appreciation of (a) the imagined rewards from adoption and (b) the
factors that shape whether co-parents and kids reap the rewards, read...
If
you read all these, you're already beginning to experience
one theme of stepchild
adoption: it's much more emotionally and logistically complex than
biofamily
child adoption!
It
helps to note the distinction between "first order" (superficial) human
and "second order" shifts in a
person's basic attitudes, values, or beliefs. Recall how diets or quit-smoking
gimmicks rarely produce the lasting lifestyle changes without core attitude
shifts about personal health, overeating and under-exercising, and nicotine-poisoning.
This
distinction can help co-parents avoid adopting a stepchild for surface
reasons. Co-parents' protective
will fiercely
try to deny, invalidate, minimize, or ignore the relevance and impact of
surface and primary needs, and first and second-order changes.
Do
you heed a stretch break before continuing? Pause and reflect: can you say
why you're reading this article? Are you getting what you need, so far?
Continue
with surface and primary reasons
to adopt ...
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/adopt.htm