This site proposes that typical adults
and kids have
and underlying
primary
(motivations).
Let's review common surface reasons for adopting a stepchild.
They usually indicate that the
co-parent/s are unaware of - or denying (a) false-self dominance and
(b) stepfamily
and (c) their unawareness.
1)
One or more
co-parents want to feel more like a
"real" (bio)family, and believe that adoption will yield
that. A variation occurs when co-parents hope that stepparental
adoption will motivate rejecting grandparents to finally accept their
divorce, their re/marriage, and/or
accept the stepparent and their kin as full members of the merging
families.
My clinical experience is that stepchild adoption probably won't
bring these outcomes. Option:
Investigate
to see if you all
have really
accepted that you are a
multi-home stepfamily. If you haven't, look for co-parent false-self wounds
and blocked grief
Also look
for major loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles to resolve (3 below),
and underlying problems with ineffective stepfamily communication
Another common surface reason for adoption is...
2) The stepparent wants to feel more legitimate about saying and feeling "I'm
your Mom / Dad now, and you're my son / daughter,"
rather than feeling weird, unsure, or inauthentic as a
"stepparent." This is often a factor ambivalence and discomfort about
disciplining "someone else's child."
Legal adoption will not fully fill this need. The lack of shared ancestry, history,
child-conception and birth, and genes will always combine to promote a
stepparent feeling "different" than a bioparent, and a stepchild
feeling "I am not of you." Even if adoption helps the stepparent feel more "legitimate" and
"normal" in their caregiving role, it may
not strengthen the child's
relation with their stepparent - specially if s/he's ambivalent about or
disinterested in the adoption, or hasn't been respectfully consulted.
3) Someone hopes
that adoption will reduce stressful
and relationship
involving the stepparent and stepchild. For example,
someone thinks that by legal stepchild adoption, the re/married
biomom or biodad will no longer feel emotionally trapped in the middle of
stepparent-stepchild conflicts, the stepparent won't feel so guilty, and the
stepchild won't feel so anxious about abandonment and possible new losses.
A
specially toxic form of this illusion is a stepparent offering to adopt a
stepchild to shore up a wobbly re/marriage to prove commitment
to their doubting bioparent partner and/or their partner's child. Adoption
rarely resolves
typical
and
may
increase them. Working patiently at these safeguard
is a better long-term investment than
stepchild adoption.
Gaining legal status as adoptive stepparent will rarely raise low trust
in co-parental and/or re/marital relationships, or diffuse major loyalty conflicts.
Typical loyalty conflicts are complex
psychological struggles, not
logical ones. Stepchild adoption may increase existing
and
interpersonal loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles, and foster new ones - specially if one or more
bio or step relatives c/overtly oppose an adoption.
More
common surface reasons for stepchild-adoption...
4) One or both co-parents want to reduce
guilts, hurts, frustrations, and resentments from favoring
an "ours" child
over one or more
stepkids - e.g. "I hate being called a 'half sister!'" Adoption may or may not help with
this, because of the primal (instinctual) preference for one's own offspring
and other factors.
5) One or both
re/married co-parents may see adoption as a way of
gaining an advantage in relations with the stepchild's other
bioparent and/or biorelatives - e.g. a legal advantage in
court
fights, or an emotional power boost to legitimize the stepparent's rights,
opinions, and needs in inter-home co-parenting conflicts. A
similar illusion is that adoption will (a) reduce unwanted telephone, mail, and/or
physical household intrusions by the stepchild's antagonistic other
bioparent or blood relative (like a grandparent), or (b) justify putting up
thicker barriers against unwanted communications.
If this is one of your un/conscious
reasons, you're probably in one or more conflictual
relationship
and
(b) aren't
doing
effective win-win-win
If adoption aims
to gain
power (1-up status), efforts toward it will likely increase your inter-home
The
primary problems are
probably that one or more of the co-parents...
-
doesn't
respect
the rights, dignity, and needs of another as a
person,
-
doesn't
acknowledge being in a stepfamily or what that
-
has unrealistic
stepfamily role expectations, and/or
ineffective co-parental communication
"Seeking respect" includes the stepparent not respecting
themselves as a
person, a (wo)man, a mate, and/or in their co-parenting role. Where true, that suggests a
Grown Wounded Child needing real
By itself,
stepchild adoption is unlikely to create the missing respect that
personality and prior actions haven't earned.
Reason 6) A stepparent and/or
bioparent feels that somehow legal stepchild
adoption will resolve the
stepparent's ambivalence
about caregiving
responsibilities and/or about
"loving" the stepchild.
It probably won't. Ambivalence about stepparenting and stepchild
is usually a sign of
(a) psychological
plus (b) confusion about, or
ignoring
as a stepfamily,
and maybe (c) secret adult fear of being trapped long-term in a toxic
primary relationship by committing legally to co-parental responsibility.
By
itself, adoption will not magically create love
and harmony between a
stepparent and their stepchild. It may increase (a) the
stepparent's feeling legitimate in disciplining their stepdaughter or
stepson, and (b) some c/overt adult/child
trust that their stepfamily won't break up.
and stepfamily
realities suggest that a
better solution is for co-parents (and kin) shifting their aim to building
long-term stepparent - stepchild respect.
7) Someone thinks that
stepchild adoption will resolve the youngster's "illogical" longing to have their bioparents and biofamily reunite.
A symptom of that longing is often galling
indifference to or caustic
rejection of a stepparent, stepsiblings, and/or step-kin.
Again, adoption probably won't solve this common
"reunion
fantasy," because the underlying problem is probably
- i.e.
ignorance of grieving basics +
denied or unseen false-self
Adoption may bring the child closer to admitting their
fantasy, and starting to face and accept the horror and permanence of their
(broken bonds) from biofamily break-up and parental re/marriage.
Four more possible surface reasons for adopting a stepchild...
8)
Someone sees a financial
- e.g. child-support and/or tax - advantage to adoption. Adoption may reduce some
stepfamily financial conflicts, but risks creating new values and loyalty
conflicts and relationship triangles in their place. And/or...
9) Someone thinks that
some
or all stepfamily members will "feel better and closer" if a child
legally adopts their stepfather's last name
- specially if (a) their biomom uses it, and/or (b) has conceived an "ours" child
with the stepfather, and/or (c) the stepparent has biokids of their own.
If this is a major (conscious) reason for adoption, it may
ease the surface problem, (the common "we're not an 'us'
yet" stressor), but at the high cost of new resentments, hurts, and
stressful relationship triangles. See 1
above. And/or...
10)
Someone thinks that a
stepchild's confusion and anxiety over their personal and family identity and
role will be relieved by being legally adopted by their
stepparent. The odds are against this, because the roots of role and identity confusion are
false-self
+
+ ignorance or
rejection of stepfamily identity and realities + blocked grief + unresolved
among stepfamily
adults.
A
final adoption-decision scenario:
| 11) After deep
reflection and much honest discussion of all the factors above, all
affected stepfamily adults and kids feel clearly that legal stepchild adoption will strengthen the
bonding and
(functioning) in and among their
related
homes. |
Symptoms of this scenario: there are no significant ambivalences, resentments, or
major doubts about the adoption or how it was decided, or what to expect from implementing it. All
affected stepfamily adults and kids feel
heard
and respected
well enough by other members as to their
feelings, needs, and opinions. The re/married couple is clear and unified on
how they think this complex stepfamily-system
change will affect their
and their
re/marriage, in that order.
This is the best case. It
illustrates that carefully researched, deliberated, and discussed stepchild
adoption really can bring significant new strength, warmth, and unity
to everyone in the
merging
biofamilies.
We've just reviewed 10 common surface reasons
typical co-parents to seek legal adoption of one or more
stepkids. Note these themes...
Legal child adoption in general is a very
complex personal and family decision with far-reaching emotional, relationship, financial, social, and spiritual
impacts;
Typical stepchild adoption is even
more complex. Hastily or impulsively made, this decision has a
high chance of increasing re/marital and stepfamily stress, because it involves more people and
family-adjustment tasks, fundamentally alters the stepfamily
and
usually does not
reduce
and...
Stepchild adoption can be
successful, long-term, truly bringing benefits to all concerned.
This
can happen if all affected co-parents, minor and grown kids, and
genetic and legal relatives are clear on (a) who they are (a multi-home stepfamily), (b) what they're doing (resolving
a stream of conflicts from a complex multi-year merger),
(c) their
(needs) for adoption, and
(d) have realistic expectations of what it will and won't provide.
How
can average co-parents raise their odds for a successful long-term
stepchild adoption?
Improve Your Odds for Deciding Wisely
Though every stepfamily is unique, some adoption-recommendations apply
to most of them. The
real target here is your co-parents helping each other to make an informed,
wide-angle, long-range adoption decision. The real questions are:
-
(a) Who
needs to adopt, and (b) why?
-
What are the risks of legal adoption, if
any?
-
What is the right time to consider adoption?,
and...
-
What are the right reasons to adopt a
stepchild?
Notice your reaction to
each of these
suggestions:
Get very clear
on who is promoting stepchild adoption: one or more
or
If your co-parents aren't motivated to
work at
for all your
sakes, you risk...
-
escalating stepfamily stress and possible re/divorce,
and...
-
acting on unrealistic adoption expectations (above) and being
disappointed and frustrated, and...
-
unintentionally passing on false-self
wounds to your descendents.
If any of you
are skeptical about the reality of personality subselves and false-self
wounds, try this interesting exercise, and read and discuss
this open letter.
Ensure
that all of your co-parents fully accept that (a) you're a
stepfamily,
and (b) what that
Discuss
together, and
use this worksheet.
If this raises any significant conflict or stress among your co-parents,
defer any adoption decisions until you resolve them. If you're evaluating
this before re/marriage, commit to making significant progress on Projects
before
seriously debating stepchild adoption. Ignoring
these suggestions signals that false-selves are controlling one or more of
you.
Include your stepchild's
other bioparent, if alive and accessible, as a full partner in your
evaluation process. Try to see him or her as a resource,
vs. an opponent or non-participant. If you really accept
that you're a stepfamily, you'll accept the necessity of including this co-parent.
Doing this honestly leads to confronting any significant
to co-parenting
teamwork in and between your several homes. Best case: reduce these
before evaluating stepchild adoption.
Review your co-parental
As a foundation for making important
family decisions like
stepchild adoption, I suggest consistently putting (a) your individual
integrity and wholistic health first, (b) your primary relationships second, and (c) all else
third, except in emergencies. If any co-parent balks at this, s/he's
probably ruled by a false self.
Get clear on the scope of
your decision. If your co-parents see stepchild adoption as a
change rather
than just a affecting one or more kids or one home, then go ahead. If any of
you disagree, yellow light!
After doing these
five things, then
and discuss
the
you're trying to
fill by legal adoption. The examples above illustrate some seductive surface
reasons to adopt a
stepchild. Most
aim to reduce significant personal or relationship tensions. A better option is
identifying and
resolving unmet primary needs one at a time, and then using
adoption to strengthen your stabilized stepfamily.
Get clear
on the pros and cons of stepchild
adoption in your unique stepfamily. If all your co-parents
agree that adoption will probably yield more pros than cons long term,
then go ahead. Option: have each co-parent and any active co-grandparents
read this article and then discuss how it applies to all your adults and
kids. Disinterest or resistance to this suggests false-self wounds and/or
Deliberate "When is the right time for us all to
decide on stepchild
adoption?" Stepfamily researchers agree it usually takes four or
more years after re/wedding to stabilize the complex
of three or more
biofamilies. The further along you all are with your set of concurrent
merger-adjustment
tasks and these 12 safeguard
the more
likely it is you all can make a wise adoption decision. Option: adapt
these four "Right Time"
worksheets to help you all answer this key question.
Take your time! Because this
decision will affect so many kids and adults in many ways, help each other to
be patient at polling and processing each affected adult's and child's
feelings, needs, and opinions, over time. A stepchild-adoption decision is at
least as complex as buying or building a house, or planning a round-the-world sailboat
cruise. If any co-parent is
confused or unsure about adoption, resolve that first!
Consider
informed peer and
counsel
to help your co-parents evaluate the short term and long-term effects of stepchild adoption. The complexity of this
decision warrants experienced, objective, informed legal and stepfamily
guidance. A
great resource is other stable (vs. new) stepfamilies who
have gone through this evaluation process. Though their circumstances
and structure will differ from yours, the core pros and cons are probably similar.
Is there a
co-parent
support group near you? If not, explore some of the many co-parent forums
and chat groups on the
Web. Also, use several Web search programs like
lycos.com,
yahoo.com,
google.com, and
askjeeves.com
and see what "adoption," "child adoption," and
"stepchild adoption" bring
you.
Finally, as you do these things, choose to ...
Keep your balances.
offers a
framework to help you do that amidst your many ongoing tasks and
responsibilities. If one
of your overarching
is to help each
other patiently evolve your
and a
stepfamily, you'll
want to pace yourselves a day at a time.
Resource: "Stepparent
Adoption, a Resource Book, by Tim O'Hanlon, PhD; Adoption Shop; 2004
Recap
A minority of typical U.S. stepparents choose to legally adopt
one or more stepkids. In the best cases, such complex choices are well researched and deliberated by all
affected
co-parents, kids and, supporters. The decision they reach together is not meant
primarily to solve one or more existing role or relationship problems via
adoption, but to strengthen an already
healthy, stable
This
two-page article defines adoption, hilights typical reasons adults adopt minor
kids, proposes a four-factor definition of successful
adoption, and outlines 11 typical stepchild-adoption motives. Ten of them aim
to fill alluring surface needs,
and often don't turn out the way co-parents hope, long term. Uninformed,
premature
stepchild-adoption decisions can reduce re/marital health and the
stepfamily's nurturance level. The
article closes with 11 suggestions toward making wise, timely adoption
decisions.
Reflect: why did you
read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? What
do you want to do with the ideas here?
+ + +
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The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/adopt.htm