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Continued...
Resolve the Primary Problems
If you haven't recently, review these
primary-relationship and
stepparent-stepchild
basics. Then note the distinction between ineffective first-order (surface behavior)
and second-order (core attitude) changes.
The reason is - if you want something to change permanently with an adult
stepchild, you will have to change something!
Next, mull these
premises
about resolving relationship conflicts. Note how you feel about the
difference between surface (secondary) needs, and underlying primary needs. Finally,
read this example of
universal human rights out loud.
They are the basis for effective
See if
you feel each of the rights applies to each of your stepfamily members equally.
Now you're better prepared to improve the eight primary "adult stepchild" problems
below - except #2. If you're thinking something like "I'll read those
articles later," or "I don't need all that stuff," a
may be dominating you. To find out, try this simple
and then see if you feel a mix of these true-Self
now... The primary problems:
1) one or more of you carries
significant psychological
from a
childhood, and doesn't (want to ) know that or what it
2) you and/or your mate made up to
three wrong commitment choices, and don't want to admit that;
3) two or more of you don't know how
to communicate and problem-solve effectively, or what to do about that;
4) one or more of you is focusing on
surface problems, not the
causing them;
5) one or more of you is unable to
resolve
first, and then work to reduce interpersonal conflicts;
6) one or more of you is minimizing
or denying your identity as a stepfamily, and/or what that identity
means.
7)
some of your stepfamily members
are stressed with a mix of values and loyalty conflicts and associated
relationship triangles, and you don't know that, or what to do about it;
8) one or more of your adults is
blocked in
major
from (a) childhood, (b) biofamily break-up, and/or (c) stepfamily
formation - and that is hinders forming genuine (vs pseudo or dutiful)
stepfamily bonds.
Several
of these problems are probably combining to cause stress in and among your
stepfamily
now. The good news is - once you all are aware of these problems, you
can resolve seven of them together, a few at a time. Note that
mixes of these eight primary
problems cause most role and relationship problems among any
stepfamily adults and kids.
Let's
survey your options for resolving these core problems:
|
Problem 1) One or more of you adults is
unaware of being often controlled by a protective
After studying divorced-family and stepfamily problems since 1979, I believe this
and
cause
most family (and other) relationship problems. |
Problem
2) You and/or your partner chose the wrong
(including stepkids) to commit to, for the
wrong
at the wrong
Trying to
improve relations with an adult stepchild probably can't undo this, and
is less important than confronting this primary (re/marital)
problem.
Options: If
your true Self (capital "S")
your personality (1 above), then review
The concepts and worksheets there can suggest whether you made
unwise re/marital choices.
If you feel you did, refocus from your stepchild, (re)define your current
and
and review your
options.
Problem 3) One or
more family members aren't communicating
and may not know that
- or what to do about it. A variation is your conflicted people aren't
aware of
they're trying to resolve their (surface) problems.
Options:
-
(diagram) your recent communication
between the
conflicted people to see if there's a problem.
As you do...
-
check for any of these common
- as teammates, not opponents. All of you
-
study
and...
-
help each other apply seven communication
and these
tips to
fill your respective primary needs.
Note that
these skills work best when each person
is
by their true Self, and genuinely
the other as having equal dignity, worth, and
human rights. If they
don't (want to), that's part of your primary problem.
A related
primary problem
may be that...
Problem 4) One or more of the people who "have a problem" can't yet accurately name what
they and/or other family members involved really need.
They're focusing ineffectually on surface needs. A variation is one or more conflicted people are focusing only on
- and may or may
not acknowledge that.
Options: all you
adults (a) read, discuss, and practice
to clarify your current
and (b) decide who's responsible for filling each of them. "Digging down" and the
companion skills
work best if each person is guided by their true Self (1 above), and
respects each other's rights, needs, and
dignity
equally.
Another related problem may be that...
Primary Problem 5) One or more of
your adults isn't yet able to...
-
sort out
conflicts from
mutual (interpersonal) conflicts, and then...
-
focus on resolving the former first. Or if they can, they...
-
don't yet
have an effective way of resolving major internal conflicts (among their
subselves).
A
variation is the participants (d) can't respectfully
each other about communication-process problems, and/or
(e) offer or request effective (non-threatening)
feedback.
Options: select among options
1-4 above, and explore
(harmonizing your subselves). And/or you may face...
Problem 6) One or more
of you adults may be rejecting or minimizing your
as a stepfamily,
and what that identity
- and are using inappropriate
biofamily expectations without knowing it. This
usually indicates (a) a lack of basic stepfamily
knowledge and/or (b) false-self
(Problem 1 above).
Options: read and
discuss
and this
worksheet together. Then review these
common stepfamily myths and realities, and
help each other revise your expectations and
lost dreams as appropriate. It may help to also
review your basic
attitudes about some key things. And/or...
Problem 7) You all are
stressed by one or more
and/or
conflicts
and associated relationship
and (a) you
don't know it or (b) how to avoid or resolve each of these common
stressors Loyalty conflicts (e.g. a bioparent feeling torn
between a child and a new partner) often occur because a bioparent
hasn't faced and reduced their divorce-related
guilts, and/or they or their child have not grieved their many major
broken bonds (below).
Options: Study this overview
example, and this detailed one. Then follow the links
above, and discuss and apply what you find, while helping each other learn to use the seven communication skills
(3 above).
And finally, you may have...
Primary
Problem 8) One or more of
you adults is blocked in
major
and (a) doesn't know that or (b) how to unblock, or
(c) isn't motivated
to do so now. Blocked grief is common in typical divorcing families and
stepfamilies, and inhibits accepting family changes and forming new stepfamily bonds
and realities.
This usually manifests as the new person (e.g. a stepparent) feeling unfairly rejected and
disrespected over time, and growing hurt, resentful, and eventually
disinterested in trying to relate. This guarantees
and mutual
conflicts among your stepfamily members
who want everyone to "bond" and "be a happy family
together." Blocked grief is a symptom of up to three deeper problems:
false-self wounds + good-grief ignorance + an anti-grief
family environment.
Options: try this quiz to see if you
(all) need to brush up on good-grief basics. If you do, read and discuss these
articles. Then use these
loss-inventory and
symptoms
worksheets to thoughtfully assess what you and your adult
stepchild(ren) may have lost from divorce, death, and/or re/marriage, and
whether someone may be stuck in mourning them. Start by assessing yourself!
If you think someone
is
blocked, then
for false-self wounds
as part of Project 1. Copy the relevant Web articles and ask
him or her to
read and discuss them. Expect and respect (false self) resistances. Whether the
other person/s comply or not, invest
some time with your co-parenting partners discussing what your
stepfamily
is, and whether it's contributing to your
collective
or not.
Note
that "no policy" is a policy! Take comfort in knowing
that there are many helpful
books and other
resources about the natural reflex of healthy grieving, and how to be an
effective
grief supporter. Are you one?
Recap