The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/basics.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This
is the first of a
of articles on solving common problems between stepkids, stepparents, and
other family members. Many
of the ideas in this series also apply to
bioparents and their children. In reading these articles, keep in mind that
"problems with stepkids" are always
part of a larger mix of concurrent
and
problems in and between the network of homes that comprise any
stepfamily
|
This article provides (a) basic premises about understanding and
resolving most "stepparent-stepchild problems," and (b) general
suggestions
about effective stepparenting based on these premises.
|
To
get the most from this article and series, first read...
Before reading further,
to see whether your
is guiding
your
now. If not,
well-meaning subselves (a "false self") may hinder your learning from this
article.
|
If you're in a stepfamily
and seek a quick fix, I
respectfully suggest that you seek help elsewhere. Relationship-building takes time! I write that as a
veteran stepfather, stepson, step-brother, and step-grandson, and a stepfamily
therapist with 27 years' experience. |
I also suggest you look elsewhere if you believe that you
won't have to change something you value to fill your needs.
You
are probably a significant part of any "stepparenting problem." If you're
willing to
discover and improve your part, read on!
Let's start with some...
Foundations
See
if you agree with these basic premises: A = Agree, D =
Disagree, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on ____" Your version of
these will determine what stepfamily role and relationship
problems you have, and how effective you are at permanently resolving
them.
1) A stepparent
is an adult who (a) chooses a single parent as their primary
partner, and (b) wants to - and/or is expected to - accept responsibility
for co-nurturing their partner's child/ren
(stepchildren) from a prior relationship.
Stepparent is a role,
not a person. (A D ?)
2)
Common
role
problems occur when
an adult or child...
-
is unclear
what they're responsible for, to whom;
-
doesn't like
or want an assigned role (like stepchild)
-
feels unable
to perform their role adequately, by their and/or someone else's
standards
-
feels
by concurrent roles (e.g. stepmother + biomother + mate +
daughter + sibling + employee + neighbor + friend + pet owner + home
co-manager)
-
has
and standards about role performance (e.g. "I
must love my stepchild!"), and when an adult or stepchild...
-
with other key people (e.g. a spouse, ex mate, or parent) on what
their reciprocal roles entail, and/or how they should be performed
(A D ?)
3) A
relationship exists
when the presence and/or behavior of one person has a "significant" effect on another person. Relationships range from nurturing
(need-fulfilling) to toxic (need-blocking). They can be mutually-chosen,
ambivalent, or forced by "circumstances" - like dating,
re/marriage, and/or cohabiting.
Forced relationships are more apt
to have significant problems (unmet needs). Relationships among stepparents, stepkids, and
ex mates are often forced when a single bioparent and a new primary partner
commit to each other. (A D ?)
4)
Relationship problems occur
when the
and behaviors of one
person cause significant discomfort -
- in another
person. Two common sources of significant stepfamily-relationship discomfort are...
-
one or more adults or kids reject their stepfamily
("No, we're not a stepfamily") and/or what that
identity
and...
-
one or more stepfamily members are unaware of stepfamily
norms, and have
unrealistic expectations
about how the alien
of stepparent
and stepchild should be "performed." (A D
?)
More stepparent-stepchild foundation premises...
5) Solving role and
relationship problems
requires identifying and filling primary (vs. surface)
As long as
co-parents focus on surface needs, the primary needs will keep recurring in various
forms. The learnable skill of
helps to discern
current primary needs. (A D ?)
|
6) The
of every normal
adult and child is composed of semi-independent
like
the players in an orchestra or sports team. In any relationship and
situation, they range from focused and harmonious to disorganized and conflicted.
(A D ?) |
7) Subselves can have role or relationship problems with each other and
with other people - e.g. some subselves may feel compassion for a
wounded stepchild, and others may feel disinterest, irritation, and/or scorn. This
causes feelings of "ambivalence," confusion, and
(A
D ?)
8) Most relationship
and role problems have three
parts: (a) conflicts among your subselves, (b) conflicts among the
other person's
subselves, and (c)
conflicts between your groups of personality subselves. Lasting resolutions
require solving all three of these. (A D ?)
9) Typical
co-parents
and
supporters aren't aware
of stepkids' many concurrent
developmental and
family-adjustment needs
(discomforts).
The co-parents have their own sets of needs. Until adults (a) identify these
different needs clearly, and (b) agree
for filling each of
them, attempts to resolve stepfamily role and relationship
problems often don't work. (A D ?)
10)
Conflicts (clashing
needs, perceptions, priorities, and values) are inevitable in any
human group. Expecting or striving for a conflict-free home and
stepfamily will inevitably raise personal and family-member
frustration, anxiety, and doubts. A better goal is co-parents evolving
effective strategies to resolve inevitable role and relationship
problems. (A D ?)
11) To help fill
your adults' and kids' needs, your
need to develop
communication
among your (a) subselves
and (b) family members. Otherwise, stepparent-stepchild "problems" will be
caused or amplified by
family members
communicate. Co-parent
and
provide effective ways to
help each other grow these skills. (A D ?)
Premise 10) Effective
communication and problem-solving depends on each person (a) being guided by their
and (b)
feeling
enough by
themselves and the
other person/s (like your
stepchild/ren). Co-parents are responsible for maintaining both
factors. (A D ?)
11) Filling primary needs (problem solving) requires
First-order
change fills only surface needs, and usually means a protective
is in control.
Second-order (core-attitude) change satisfies
Diets that don't keep pounds off and
other
relapses (including nicotine) signal first-order changes. So do
stepparent-stepchild problems that keep recurring. (A D ?)
|
12)
Typical
dependent
stepkids in newly-divorcing and new stepfamilies
instinctively need to test for
(a) co-parental priorities
and (b) personal security
in their stepfamily ["Is this (step)family going to break up, too?"]. Unless
all your co-parents and supporters accept this necessary testing, you may mis-label
stepkids' behavior as rebellion, defiance, selfishness, and "acting
out." That increases kids' insecurities, and may prolong or escalate
their testing. (A D ?) |
13)
Stepkids who "reject"
(don't
with) a stepparent and/or stepsiblings and
stepkin may be...
Adults controlled by false selves often can't
mourn well, or show their kids how to do so.
(A D ?) See
14) Every relationship is
significantly affected by...
These depend on who guides each
- the resident
or other subselves (a
Implication: preventing and resolving
stepparent-stepchild problems starts with
all co-parents intentionally
reducing significant false-self wounds and empowering
their Selves (capital "S") to be steadily
of their personalities. (A D ?) See
Premise 15) Most
(all?) "stepparent-stepchild problems" involve all active adult caregivers,
not just the co-parent and child. Ignoring the needs,
attitudes, values, and behaviors of
other stepfamily adults (e.g. ex mates) and stepsiblings significantly raises the odds that such
problems will persist or escalate. That will inevitably stress co-parents' primary
relationships. Restated: "stepparent-stepchild problems" are really
problems. (A
D ?)
|
16) Co-parent disinterest in - or ambivalence about - these
premises suggests (a) they are significantly
and
(b)
primary-relationship commitments, and (c) significant risk of
unintentionally promoting a
home and
family environment. (A D ?)
|
Pause and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling? Do you agree with
most or all of these foundation premises? If not, are you clear on what you
do believe? Think of the reasons you began reading this - has
anything changed?
What follows builds on the premises above. Use these options like a buffet -
choose what's useful, and leave the rest...
General Stepparenting Suggestions
Adult patience, curiosity, humility, willingness
to experiment and change, and interest in learning are
major assets here. Do those describe you and other family adults now?
Though all stepparent-stepchild relationships and problems are unique, there
are some common principles that can raise your odds of evolving mutually-satisfying relationships with each minor or adult stepchild, with some limitations.
Option: edit these to suit your situation, and post
them where you can see them easily.
A) Maintain
a long-term outlook - e.g.
the next 15-20 years - as you work to resolve local role and relationship
problems. If you don't yet have a clear goal of what you want your
stepfamily to achieve across those years, invest time with your other
co-parents in negotiating a meaningful family
See
B) Periodically (or with major problems)
check your (a) co-parents'
acceptance of your stepfamily
and then (b) your stepfamily role
and relationship expectations.
In particular, avoid the trap of expecting you and your stepchild to
love each other.
Also review and discuss your key
attitudes
with your other co-parents. Ambivalence, vagueness, and/or co-parent
disagreements over these promote stepfamily role and relationship problems
in and between your stepkids' homes! See this
article and
and
C) Acknowledge that a powerful way to avoid and resolve many
stepparent-stepchild problems is to...
Often, stepparent-stepchild problems are symptoms of unresolved
(stressors) among
related caregivers. See these articles.
D) Work to agree with your other co-parents
what...
Use this as a
foundation for resolving local stepparent-stepchild problems. Option: use
this Project-10
article
and worksheet as
resources.
E) Help each other evolve fluency with these seven communication
and use them to
evolve effective strategies to
recognize and resolve stepfamily
and
conflicts, and
associated relationship
As a
foundation for all of these, help each other get clear about the difference
between
and these popular
(ineffective)
Experiment with
these tips and
phrases. See
F) Be alert
for
