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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/boundaries.htm

       This is one of a series of  Web pages suggesting solutions for common divorced-family and stepfamily relationship problems. This Solutions sub-series focuses on solving common problems between stepkids and stepparents. Most ideas apply equally to single parents and their kids. The introduction gives perspec-tive on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and how to best use it.  Use these ideas to augment, not replace, other qualified counsel.

        This article assumes you are familiar with these concepts:

• key factors promoting a high-nurturance family and a healthy relationship;...

• these stepfamily basics and their implications;

• this introduction to normal personality subselves (like yours) - slides or text.

• five reasons many stepfamily couples are significantly stressed, and the common problems they cause;

• the 12 safeguard projects partners can work at together to build a thriving stepfamily over time;

• basic suggestions about stepparent-stepchild relations, and...

• these questions and answers about stepparenting and stepkids..

        For more perspective and ideas, also see this two-page article on stepfamily child-discipline.

What's the (Surface) Problem?

        Can you define clearly what boundary is in a two-person relationship, and why we all create them? Does your stepchild know what an interpersonal boundary is? S/He'll need to know how to set and assert them successfully in every relationship.

        Let's say that a boundary is an interpersonal limit that an adult or child defines to maintain their current emotional and physical comfort. Comfort measures how well our web of concurrent primary needs are filled, moment to moment. If another person exceeds our limit, we may take some verbal or physical action - or grumble, curse, seethe, whine, blame, or complain.

        You and your stepchild each have (a) a set of boundaries, and (b) a style of reacting when you feel your boundaries aren't respected. As in any new relationship, "getting to know you" includes  learning each other's limits and what you each do when they're exceeded. 

        Most of us aren't conscious of this automatic comfort-regulating process, except when we have significant internal or mutual conflict. Part of our relationship-building process is accidentally or intentionally exceeding the other's limits. Ideally, the better we know each other, the less we discount each other's boundaries because of empathy and mutual respect.

        Typical boundaries come in many flavors:
 

unconscious and conscious physical, emotional, and spiritual vague to intense

minor to major situational and universal internal (among personality subselves)  and interpersonal

In typical stepparent-stepchild relationships, boundary conflicts over privacy, space, noise, money, touching, possessions, child discipline, honesty, anger, and respect are as common as spring dandelions. 

        Loyalty and values conflicts can lead to boundary conflicts - e.g. "I disagree with your choice to smoke (value conflict), and I need you to smoke outside our home (boundary)." Typical multi-home stepfamilies are riddled with these conflicts! 

        Stepfamily boundary conflicts usually come in clusters among several family members, with one or several conflicts being specially annoying ("Your son keeps rudely interrupting me when I'm talking.").

        I assume you're reading this because you or someone you care about feels a personal boundary is disrespected "too much." I also assume you and/or they haven't found an effective way to resolve this. So I suspect that your surface problems here are that (a) a stepparent and/or a stepchild you care about feels their personal limits aren't respected well enough often enough, and (b) they're looking for a way to reduce their discomfort without creating other relationship conflicts. Does that fit your situation?

Solutions to Typical Primary Boundary Problems

        This site proposes that most social role and relationship problems are symptoms of unfilled primary needs. Two related surface problems are defining boundaries and enforcing them. When stepfamily kids and adults first live together, they often discover intolerances (boundaries) they didn't know they had. This is specially true for childless stepparents, kids used to living with one parent and/or no siblings, and new step-relatives.

        A "simple" example: some weeks after returning from her honeymoon, Susan realizes that she's increasingly irritated that her 12 year old visiting stepson Andy chews with his mouth open, and often eats with his fingers. Andy's father Jeff seems unconcerned - a values conflict. She silently endured the boy's behaviors during courtship, feeling "It's not my place to teach Andy table manners."

        Susan can sacrifice her dining comfort to avoid conflict, or she can "say something" to Jeff or Andy about the boy's eating behavior. The first step in resolving any boundary conflict is realizing that you're significantly uncomfortable with someone's behavior - including something they're not doing. The next step is deciding if, how, and when, to assert your needs and opinions to the people involved. Both steps usually evolve over time, unless the boundary violation is too upsetting the first time - "Melissa, you will not go through my bureau drawers again!"

        If Andy were her biological son, Susan wouldn't hesitate to set limits with his "cave man" chewing and using fingers as utensils. Because she's unsure of her new authority and concerned about Jeff's feelings, she does hesitate. Setting stepfamily relationship boundaries is often more complex than in biofamilies because (a) there are more people involved, (b) more clashing values to balance, and (c) family roles, rules, and traditions are less clear.

        As her discomfort accumulates, Susan's false self activates: one part of her begins to dread visitation meals together, while another part values their meals as times of sharing and stepfamily bonding. If she was a biomom, Susan would also feel guilty about setting eating-behavior limits with her child/ren but not her stepson. Double standards like this usually create one or more loyalty conflicts and associated relationship triangles.

        Susan, Andy, and Jeff have a boundary problem because Susan hasn't clearly asserted her value (people should chew with their mouth closed) and needs (respect my values and dignity) yet. Because of false-self numbing and/or reality distortion, typical wounded stepparents and stepkids may not be aware that they're uncomfortable.

        Susan can (a) procrastinate (avoid conflict), (b) act impulsively (sulk, criticize, or rant), or (c) dig down to learn why she's uncomfortable, and what she really needs from Andy and his father (respect). She may discuss her discomfort and needs with her husband, or act directly with her stepson. If she takes the second route, she has (at least) three choices: declare her discomfort and needs...

vaguely and submissively "Andy, if you don't mind, I wonder if you'd consider trying to eat more politely once in a while" (implied R-message: "I'm 1-down here");

sarcastically and aggressively "Andy you eat like a disgusting slob. No sane girl is ever going to want you as a boyfriend if you eat like a cave man" (manipulative, insulting R-message: "I'm 1-up."); or...

clearly, with mutual respect, and without a long lecture or explanation - "Andy, it distracts me from enjoying our meal when you chew with your mouth open and eat with your fingers. I'd like you eat with a closed mouth, and use your fork. Will you do that, please?" (A mutually-respectful R-message: "Our dignities and human worth are of equal value to me here.")

        Because a typical insecure stepchild's unconscious need is to test, Andy might respond to any of these by asking his Dad "Do I have to?" (test question: "Are you with her or with me?") Unless both Jeff and Susan are alert for loyalty conflicts and have a joint strategy for managing them (Project 9), they'll fall into one here. That will probably create a divisive relationship triangle with Susan as the Persecutor, Andy the Victim, and Jeff as the Rescuer. This example illustrates a general truth: most stepfamily role and relationship "problems" are really sets of values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Did you know that?
 

The real problems causing typical stepparent-stepchild (or other) boundary conflicts are usually a mix of co-parents' personal and shared unawareness of these key topics:

1) Personal Unawareness of...

current emotions (like discomfort) and primary needs. Solution: assess for false-self wounds, and if warranted, evolve and work at an effective personal recovery plan. Recovery lowers emotional numbing and reality distortions, and raises personal awareness over time. And...

internal conflicts contributing to the surface boundary problems. Solution: work at Project 1,  identify and meet the subselves comprising your personality, and work patiently to build their trust in your true Self's ability to resolve your inner conflicts effectively. And most co-parents are unaware of...

how nonverbal behaviors like 1-up or 1-down R(espect) messages and double messages unconsciously amplify stepparent-stepchild boundary (and most other) conflicts. Solution: work at Project 2 together, model and teach the seven communication skills to your kids, and map typical boundary-related communication sequences between stepparent and stepchild - to learn and problem-solve, vs. to win.

And co-parents can be unaware of...

blocked grief  in the stepparent and/or the stepchild. If either person is frozen in the anger or sadness phases of mourning prior losses, setting and enforcing mutually respectful boundaries will be hard. Solution: co-parents help each other progress at safeguard- Project 5, create a pro-grief home, and thaw any blocked grief you find; and co-parents aren't aware of...

some mix of other current stepparent-stepchild problems - specially disrespect and distrust.

        A second primary cause of typical stepchild-stepparent boundary problems is...

        2) Co-parents' Unawareness of...

the signs that a false self is dominating your stepparent's and/or stepchild's personalities. Solution: co-parents do Project 1 together, and strategize how to raise your family's nurturance level over time; and/or...

what an interpersonal boundary is, and why they're normal and useful in any healthy relationship. Solution: read and discuss this and the linked articles; and/or...

how to distinguish accurately between surface needs and primary needs. Solution: read this, practice digging down and discussing your needs as partners (vs. opponents), and teach your kids what you learn;

        and/or typical co-parents like Susan and Jeff don't know...

how to distinguish between first-order (superficial or cosmetic) changes, and second-order (core values and attitudes) personal and group changes. Solution: read and discuss this overview, and apply it to your situation as fellow explorers; and/or... how to assert their personal rights and primary needs, and how to hear and resolve resistances effectively. Partial solution: partners learn and use the seven Project-2 communication skills; and/or typical co-parents need to learn... what codependence is, and what to do about it. This common psychological condition is a symptom of false-self dominance. It can block asserting personal boundaries and enforcing them effectively. Solution: assess for codependence traits, learn more about relationship addiction and its toxic effects, and evolve an effective recovery plan as part of co-parent Project 1;

and average co-parents are ignorant of...

what internal and interpersonal values and loyalty conflicts are, and how to recognize and resolve them effectively. Solution: partners work at Projects 1, 2, and 9 together, over time. And average co-parents aren't aware of...

stepfamily myths and realities, including typical stepkids' family-adjustment needs. Solution: co-parents do Projects 6, 10, and 11 together, tailor the ideas to fit, and teach kids and kin; and/or they can't name...

the specific responsibilities of their stepmother or stepfather role/s, and how they fit with the bioparents' responsibilities. Solution: co-parents identify each minor child's key developmental and family-adjustment needs, and evolve co-parent job descriptions for each caregiver.

        One more primary problem contributing to your boundary conflicts may be...

3) Adult and/or child ambivalence and confusion about...

personal priorities - like "Which ranks highest for me: acting on my values, despite risk of pain, or my needs for acceptance, peace (conflict avoidance), and bonding in our home and family? Premise: stepfamilies flourish long term if conflicted adults who can't compromise want to put their integrity and wholistic health first, their primary relationship (usually) second, and all else third, except in emergencies.

who is causing this problem? Most shame-based adults and kids automatically blame others to avoid feeling wrong and bad. That promotes escalating sequences of "It's your fault." "No it's not!"  [attack > defend > counterattack > defend... ], which are the polar opposite of win-win problem-solving. Adults' subselves aren't aware that how they're reacting to the "stepchild boundary problem" is the problem. The probable reality is "We're all causing our boundary clash. Solving this is a stepfamily project!" And your family members may be unclear or torn about...

stepparental role-responsibilities and authority. A related adult confusion is "Where does my right to assert my own dignity and needs as a person end, and my responsibilities and rights as a well-meaning stepparent begin?" A complementary confusion can be...

stepchild home and stepfamily responsibilities. Clarifying these can be challenging if another co-parent (usually their other bioparent) is urging the stepchild to ignore or disrespect the stepparent's authority, dignity, and/or boundaries;

        The real problems beneath all these and similar boundary confusions is false-self wounding and unawarenesses (above) in one or more co-parents. Again, the solution starts with co-parent partners helping each other do Project 1 honestly, without undue guilt, shame, or anxiety. Then follow where it leads - towards personal healing and  empowering the true-Self in your adults, and then your kids.

Bottom line: "Boundary problems" between stepparents and minor and grown stepkids (and others) are not the problem. The primary target for co-parents to identify and resolve is some mix of these factors...

Personal and shared unawareness + ignorance (lack of knowledge); and...

Ambivalences and confusions in one or more stepfamily adults. The root problem underneath these is always significant false-self wounds; and...

Lack of consistent, respectful boundary enforcement. Let's look at this last factor...

Continue...

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