The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/boundaries.htm
Concluded...
Enforcing Your
Boundaries
If Susan never does anything about Andy's distracting (vs. "gross") eating habits,
her needs will probably go unfilled. Her resentments will fester and grow,
lowering her self-respect and stressing her re/marriage. As in effective
child discipline,
interpersonal boundaries
need meaningful, respectful con-sequences to fill the needs that
cause them.
Three common surface problems: the stepparent...
-
provides inconsistent, vague, delayed, or no consequences,
-
provides unreasonable or
unfair consequences
in someone's opinion (a values conflict),
and/or the stepparent...
-
implements consequences
Each of these stems from (a) co-parent ignorance
(lack of knowledge), (b) personal and communication-process unawareness,
and (c)
A fourth surface problem
occurs when
co-parents don't discuss and resolve these
three topics as
because of unresolved
These three problems and the relationship
and
they cause combine to block effective
problem solving.
If Susan provides vague or no consequences to Andy, or doesn't
act
on them, it probably means that...
-
her governing subselves aren't clear on her
right
to do so as a person or a stepmom, and/or...
-
her subselves fear internal
and/or interpersonal conflict and discomforts. It can also mean...
-
she isn't
of their communication process,
and/or...
-
she doesn't know how to
her needs and...
-
handle expected resistance.
Long-term solution: Jeff and Susan
do
together.
Other possibilities are that Susan perceives, rightly or not, that Andy's
biomom and/or Jeff disapproves of her disciplining the boy. Fearing her husband's disapproval and/or
conflict with his ex, the stepmom avoids clearly declaring and enforcing her
boundaries and consequences. This is a mix of personal and re/marital
problems, not a stepmom-stepchild one!
|
What qualifies as
a "reasonable consequence" depends on the
unique values and histories of all
involved. Generally,
reasonable means all
people involved can (a) accept the consequence without significant
upset, and (b) keep or grow their self and mutual respect. |
Ideally, co-parents
like Susan and Jeff will agree together on what's reasonable before she
asserts her (or their) consequence to Andy.
Typical new stepfamilies have to experiment a lot before everyone gets the
hang of what "reasonable" consequences are. This is harder in
stepfamilies than healthy intact biofamilies partly because
most stepkids will dispute the "fairness" of
a reasonable boundary consequence to test (a) who's really in charge of their
homes, (b) who their bioparent/s side with, and (c) how much power the child has in
each of their homes.
If Susan doesn't respect herself and/or Andy as a person
and a co-parent, she may deliver her consequence sarcastically,
unempathically, timidly, or aggressively -
e.g. "So if you keep eating like an ignorant jerk, you're allowance
stops." The consequence may be reasonable, but the disrespectful
will create a web of new conflicts in and among adult partners and the
stepchild.
A key here is the stepparent holding a genuine
(mutually respectful) attitude about
herself
and the stepchild. This is specially hard if the stepparent doesn't feel
respected
enough. Typical divorced and stepfamily co-parents are
and have trouble with
genuine mutual respect until well into Project-1
Stepkids Have
Boundaries Too!
Most co-parents will read this article because they feel their stepdaughter or
stepson doesn't respect their or their mate's boundaries. I've
never heard of any minor child who could say to a stepparent "I'm upset because you're
violating my boundaries, and I often feel really discounted and disrespected. I need you to..."
Your minor and grown kids
have the same need for comfort, safety, and
dignity that you co-parents do. Yet they probably don't know how to
respectfully that their
personal limits be honored. Yes, healthy kids have little trouble saying what
they do and don't like - but they haven't learned how to assert their needs
and opinions respectfully, and be equally concerned about yours as they
do.
Premise: co-parents have implicit responsibilities to...
treat any child with dignity and
respect, regardless of her or his behavior; and to...
empathize with
each child's values, needs, and boundaries, and to...
help empower their young people to recognize,
assert, and enforce these without excessive anxiety, guilt, or shame.
Distracted,
unaware co-parents can unintentionally
minimize or ignore minor kids' boundaries. This usually confuses, frustrates, and shames the
youngsters.
One way to empower your minor (or
grown) kids is to help each one learn how to
their current surface
and primary
Then help them build and
use a
Bill
of Personal Rights as the basis for guilt-free
Then teach
them what assertive
are, and when to use them.
Another option: patiently model and teach
empathy by identifying and affirming kids' needs
and your own. Encourage family-member
awareness by
about this
process. If you listed the families you know who
regularly do some version of
these steps, including the family you grew up in, I suspect it would be a short list!
Putting It All Together
In this boundary-conflict example, an effective long-range solution is for Susan to
(a) tell
Jeff of her discomfort about stepson Andy's eating without hedging or
blaming, and (b) brainstorm resolution-options with him. This puts their
re/marriage in a healthy second place behind her
integrity (living from her own values.) Once they agree on what to do, Susan should
(c) respectfully assert
her boundaries
with Andy when neither are distracted, and (d) assert reasonable consequences, so
Andy can decide whether to test by not shifting his behavior.
If he
does test, Susan needs to deliver the consequences promptly and respectfully, as she described
them.
If this stepmother asks
her husband to assert limits and consequences for her, she risks defining herself as
(inferior) to him,
and losing her own and Andy's
respect. Ideally, Jeff would (a) be present as Susan asserts, (b) back
her up ("We're asking you to..."), and (c) mediate if Andy
tests by initiating or reinforcing a
or relationship
If Jeff insists on
speaking for Susan,
the partners have a power imbalance and a loyalty
conflict. These usually imply significant false-self
and
unawareness.
Be clear: these steps are not (step)parental
discipline
requiring underlying role authority. They are a dignified person asserting her need for
two other people (Andy and Jeff) to respect her values and tolerance limits.
Andy has the same right to have his values and needs be
respected by his Dad and stepmom. Mutually-respectful (win-win)
helps resolve limit-conflicts
effectively.
As with most
family role and relationship problems,
typical stepchild - stepparent
boundary
problems have no quick fixes or simple solutions. Once spotted, see them as signposts
pointing toward unmet primary needs meriting co-parents' united attention and effort.
Three conflict-resolution skills that can help greatly in resolving boundary
(and other) conflicts are
co-parents...
-
consciously
separating
tangles of surface and primary problems into smaller, clearer targets;
-
helping each other maintain a
long-range view
(e.g. the next 15-20 years); and then...
-
focusing
on patiently resolving few conflicts at a time.
Is this what you usually do in
and between your stepfamily homes?
Our American obsessions with speed, pleasure, and activity can make
these three skills elusive, unless aware partners steadily want to give them
enough priority.
Recap
Interpersonal boundaries are personal-discomfort tolerance limits. Adults
and kids can (a) ignore, discount, or repress their and others' boundaries; or
(b) assert
theirs
timidly, respectfully, or disrespectfully. Typical wounded, unaware co-parents
and young people ignore their boundaries and/or don't enforce them (self neglect),
or they declare their limits and consequences disrespectfully. This
usually causes
webs of loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles.
Members of new stepfamilies gradually learn each other's boundaries over years
of shared experiences and - hopefully - honest discussions of everyone's
feelings and needs. Because they haven't grown up together, typical new
stepparents and visiting or residential stepkids can often exceed each other's
comfort-limits, causing
and
mutual conflicts. This is equally true with
adult stepkids and with
stepgrandkids.
Co-parenting partners can minimize internal and mutual "boundary conflicts" by
being aware of...
-
what boundaries are (tolerance limits),
and...
-
why they're valuable (to preserve
personal dignity and family harmony), and...
-
how to (a) identify, (b) assert,
and (c) enforce them clearly and respectfully.
A major difference between
adult-adult and adult-child boundary conflicts is that
(step)kids have less experience, a smaller vocabulary, and fewer relationship
skills to declare and enforce their boundaries effectively. Another is that
typical stepkids have a sobering array of
developmental and
family-adjustment needs to fill
that typical co-parents don't have.
This article outlines (a) typical primary problems causing surface boundary
conflicts between stepparents and minor and grown stepkids, and (b) how united
co-parents can resolve these primary problems over time. Other Solutions
articles explore resolving boundary-conflicts between co-parent
mates,
divorced bioparents, and stepfamily
relatives. The
principles are the same as in this article. Typical
new multi-home stepfamilies have all four kinds of boundary conflicts concurrently!
For more perspective, read and
discuss this three-page article on effective
child discipline
in stepfamilies.
Pause and reflect: can you say out loud why you read this article? Did
you get what you needed? If not, what more do you need now?
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